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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 71
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OP
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 71 |
What is it with WS's who say they want to reconconcile the M but have no interest in reading books/articles or going to MC? Is it that they don't want to relive what they have done wrong? Is it pride? Is it selfishness? Any other ideas?
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 407
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 407 |
I think it's all of the above but I also think it's timing and how ready they are to do it. I think withdrawl is often so strong that they have to make it through that before they can start thinking clearly about the future.
My H has refused counselling and I think it is partly some kind of rebellious reaction to me. My counsellor suggested that we were often parenting each other rather than being each other's best friend and that his A could be some kind of rebellion. The solution is non-judgemental communication, which I've found is difficult to keep going.
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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060
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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060 |
Frequently it seems, it's a smoke screen or a delay tactic. They'll say they want to reconcile because they know it's the "right" thing to say, and they can easily pass this off to family, friends, etc., but their heart's not in it. It also sets up - conscious or not - their future accusation that they tried, but it didn't "work" due to some failing on the part of the BS.
Take it to the bank.
Remember, you are not dealing with a rational person, so your normal thought processes won't work.
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 71
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OP
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 71 |
We are over a year past D-day. My W has stated she wants to reconcile, wants our family to stay together, wants me as her H. But that is all I get from her...talk, not action. I have asked her to read things but she doesn't like to read. I have asked her to go to MC but she doesn't want to. She says she can't explain why. We have been much closer lately but I don't think you can truly move on without help from someone or something outside of the situation.
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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060
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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060 |
jetes - are you confident the affair is over? Should we interpret that it stopped at D-day?
If so, she may not want to perform introspection or allow examination by others because she can't accept what she did. If this is the case, at least she has some recognition that what she did was bad and she's not completely in denial like so many other WSs who "did nothing wrong."
I suggest you start counseling by yourself. Consider using Steve Harley or Jennifer Chalmers via MB as a start. Either one of them can guide you.
WAT
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 71
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 71 |
Thanks for all who have replied. Yes WAT I know the A has ended. The fallout probably didn't end on D-day, but it's definitely over now.
It just seems so obvious that once it's over, you start rebuilding what's been torn down. W just seems like it's not that important to do. Like maybe it should be automatically fixed when she decided to come back. I understand your reply about not wanting to be examined by others. That's probably what is going on. Thanks.
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