My wife told me on 10/21/02 that I need to let her go and that the next step she believes is a divorce. I convinced her to talk to Steve H. so Steve H. can help me out. How well can Steve H. make the WS confused or help the situation out for the BS? Is this possible? Will Steve H. make her think? I hear so much about WS being more confused after talking to Steve H. I was wondering if anyone can give me any feedback? I am hoping that Steve might get something through to her. Are there any WS that spoke to Steve and he changed something inside of you that made you start thinking differently?
I am hoping that my wifes (WS) session on Friday does something. I have been hoping for that something for a long time...

c_g

My WW and I talked with Steve about once every 10-14 days for 8 months. In this time my W moved from withdrawl dealing with separation from OM1 and moved into a relationship with OM2 and pursuing a relationship with OM3. Talking with Steve does not guarantee that a WS will come out of the fog. Now my WW says that the things that Steve asked her to do only made recovery worse. That is her story. However, Steve's ideas made a whole lot of sense to me.

Steve is not going to 'make' your W do anything. He is going to ask her think. He will try to make her stop thinking with her emotions and feelings. The WS may be confused after talking with Steve the first time but that is because they are usually still dealing with withdrawl and the fact that the BS is still not 'getting it' (understanding their contribution to the state of the marriage).

Relax and let Steve work. Don't expect him to tell you what he and your W talked about. Don't grill your W about their discussion after she is finished. It is a lot to comprehend. He will ask her if she wants to be happy and what it will take to get there. Pretty simple and logical stuff.

Good luck.

HoFS

<small>[ October 30, 2002, 01:36 PM: Message edited by: HofFenceSitter ]</small>

HofFenceSitter...
I hear what you are saying and there will be no drilling of my wife by me. We don't live together and we don't really talk much at all any more so there will be no conversation about her talking with Steve unless she brings it up. I am trying to Plan A but it is hard since she wants to stay away because she feels she is leading me on if she talks to me. I will admit I am hoping that something comes out of it either way. I know she isn't going to just run back into the relationship. I wish it was that way but I know that won't happen. Just like any other BS, I just keep on hoping for something. Sometimes I feel like I should just let go and quit trying. Then there are those times also I remember what we did have and it makes me keep going. I wish someone had an answer for me and could tell me what the future holds for me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confused_guy:
<strong> Just like any other BS, I just keep on hoping for something. Sometimes I feel like I should just let go and quit trying. Then there are those times also I remember what we did have and it makes me keep going. I wish someone had an answer for me and could tell me what the future holds for me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">c_g:

Yes I know, {{{{{{{{confused_guy}}}}}}}} If you are still talking with Steve, I know he will ask you about your energy level-how much do you have left? Be honest with him. I know he would not have recommended that you go into Plan A without a good reason. Are you scheduled for a follow up with Steve? You need to know what happens after he has talked with your W. If she is non-response, don't be surprised if he recommends a Plan B. When Steve asks you about your energy level, be honest. Don't let all of the love drain away before you try Plan B. I think I probably stayed in Plan A too long. Good luck.

HoFS

After taking some time to think more about what I said on my post am I just getting my hopes up for nothing? Like everyone has said before that until the WS chooses to change the situation nothing will happen. Am I wasting my money paying for my wife to have a session with Steve H? Am I hoping for something that isn't there but I am just too blind to see it? Lately I have been thinking like a typical BS as why am I holding on? Why am I doing this too myself. You talk about a difficult year I have experienced. In this year my wife moved out, my step-dad passed away due to cancer and now we just discovered that my grandpa's brain tumor is back. May I ask why life is so cruel? I am not a perfect person but due I deserve all of this?

Dear Guy

Of course you don't deserve this, no one does, i am sorry you are feeling down today. Maybe the sun will come out tomorrow. Let her talk to steve, what can it hurt. It sounds like you aren't sure what you want anymore either. That is the same place i am, except my husband hasn't moved out, he just keeps in contact with ow. .. Life can really be a mess can't it. S

Hey c_g, I can't really help you with your question but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

You said: I just keep on hoping for something. Sometimes I feel like I should just let go and quit trying. Then there are those times also I remember what we did have and it makes me keep going. I wish someone had an answer for me and could tell me what the future holds for me.

That's exactly the way I have been feeling and it really sux doesn't it? I lost my Dad in May so I know how you surely must feel about your step-dad.

I am sorry for your loss and for your grandfather's diagnosis.

All I can say to you is what I say to myself everyday and that is to keep with it until YOU are ready to move on. One day at a time...

The truth is no one has an answer for us except ourselves...that answer reveals itself in a time when we are ready. It is different for each of us and we just have to trust that whatever happens, happens for the best...

Take care...

E

notgoingtodothis...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds like you aren't sure what you want anymore either </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know what I want and have wanted for the past several months. I want my wife back so we can work on a future together. Sometimes what we want we never get especially when you are the BS....

confused_guy-

I can certainly relate to your story as I'm a BS hoping for a miracle as well. I guess what makes it so hard is when you think of all the good times and know that happines is not as easily attainable as the WW might think. I think the others put it correctly when they suggested you stick with it as long as you're good with. Good luck to you!

Just a quick reply to your question. Yes, I think Steve can help. My WH talked to him, and afterward he admitted to me he was comfortable talking to Steve, that Steve was a positive type of person (very different from our local counselor we had seen together), and very pro-active. He can give her "objective" food for thought before the D decision. I wish we had called MB when our problems first surfaced. I would consider it a stepping stone, and possibly an open door for your WS to interact with Steve again, whevever that may be.

And Hof was right, do a self-check for your energy level <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Make an appt with Steve after your WS to find out what happened. Good luck!

I just miss my wife. It is a hard night and just wanted to say that out here in the internet world. Tired of keeping that inside of me. I just miss her....

C_G:
I am sorry for all that you are going through. I know only too well the round and round going on in your head. People say this is like a rollercoaster, but I think it is this horrible roulette wheel that keeps landing on the same damned mind sets over and over: despair, sadness, hope, etc. It makes you crazy! Just see my post on the Recovery Board!

I am NO expert, I just wanted to give you my experience. My FWH never definitively said that he wanted to divorce, but he sat on the fence forever and denied, blamed and ate cake for over a year. I finally, in the second Plan B got wise and started talking to Steve. FWH was willing to talk to him to "give S the other side of the story in order to help me" After the call with S he accused me of trying to trick him into the session because what S told him was that it wasn't my fault FWH had the affair andthat he is a MC, not IC. I just repeated what S had told me to say to get FWH to talk. FWH admitted that some of the things S said made sense and really got him thinking. I believe S and a good Plan A and then Plan B started a change in him. There are no guarantees, but I figured at the time I had absolutely nothing to lose by trying to get FWH to talk to Steve and I certainly don't regret it. I think talking with S helped shake him loose from the same old thought patterns and the crap the OW was feeding him. Coming from an expert who had no personal stake in things helped as well.

Recently FWH said to me you knew all about SH and the MB methods and that he would lead me down this road, didn't you? I admitted that I had followed many of the strategies and philosophies here because I so wanted to save our marriage, is he sorry that I did? He laughed and said, nope!

Hang in there C_G, you know from all the stories here that it ain't over until it's over!