The last time I was on here was February. My W was having several relationships at the time. I did LB and finally confronted her just before Valentines Day. She was very sorry and the spring and summer were great. I learned a lot about myself and have improved my life to meet her needs.

She works at a university and this fall, one of her colleagues asked her to get a room. She didn't, but this triggered some sort of response that has consumed her. She went to counseling and we have discovered that she has a sexual addiction. She is chatting on the internet and meeting men. She is currently meeting a guy that she is falling for pretty hard.

We have a 3 year old and I don't want to lose either my wife or my daughter. How understanding should I be since she has an actual addiction? Any advice from anyone? I am getting really frustrated and don't know how much longer I can take it. I don't want anything to happen to my daughter.

Thanks,

WH2U

The problem with living with someone that has an addiction, such as SA, is that unless they admit that they have a problem and seek out help to address it thru therapy, they will continue with their addiction whether their loved ones are suffering or not.

My previous M was to a woman that also suffered from SA (read my story) and no amount of pleading or threatening was sufficient to make her see what she was not only doing to herself but to her family as well. She did not want to leave her addiction and so I came to the conclusion that the only person that I could control was myself and so I took myself and our daughters out of the picture and filed for divorce.

If you don't take steps, a la plan B or tough love, your WW will continue with her addiction. Your love for her will die and if she finally wants to seek help, it might be too little too late for you to care. How do I know this? it happened to me when after my divorce was finalized, my WW finally crashed and burned, sought and got treatment and later on pleaded with me to let her come back. Too late, by the time she told me she wanted to start over with me, I had already moved on and I had started another relationship with a healthier woman.

Plan A is fine, for a time, but if she continues with her behavior eventually all your love for her will be gone. That's where plan B comes in, and tries to save what little love you have left for her so that if she finally is serious about rebuilding the M, you will have that necessary love for her to help you thru the recovery phase.

Please consider getting in touch with the Counseling Center.

Good luck and God bless.

Thanks for the reply! This time I can say that the nice thing (if you can really call it nice) is that my WW is being very open with me about her relationships. She is not keeping it in the dark and sneaking around.

Last night she told me that she considered her OM and her to be in a dating relationship. She has not made love to him, but she is falling for him. I know that she has a tendency to romanticize things and have told her to keep that in mind.

She went to church with me last night and we spend about 2 hours praying with our pastor. After a short time of prayer we talked and I told her that she was destroying her life and that our daughter and I may have to move on. Some sort of spiritual bondage broke at that point and she talked with the pastor for a long time while I stayed with our daughter.

As for right now, she wants to stay with me. She loves me and wants to go to counseling. She has become affectionate toward me again, but is not guaranteeing to quit seeing the OM.

Any comments on the situation?

WH2U

You are creating a safe environment where she feels safe in opening up to you regarding her feelings for OM. But understand that she may become what is referred to here as a 'cake woman' that likes to have two men, you and OM, satisfy different EN's of hers. Unfortunately, they become MORE addicted to this kind of setup than just being in an A with OM.

Does your WW show any interest in going to therapy for her SA?

My wife wants to get over the SA, but she has little hope since she has been counseled on and off for 16 years.

As I mentioned, things were great this morning. She however saw OM during her lunch. I talked to her recently and she didn't sound very encouraging. She did however agree to go speak with our pastor again next week.

Any other ideas? What is the likelyhood that I would be able to keep our daughter in a situation like this if D happens?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whathappenedtous:
My wife wants to get over the SA, but she has little hope since she has been counseled on and off for 16 years.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Was she a victim of sexual abuse?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I mentioned, things were great this morning. She however saw OM during her lunch. I talked to her recently and she didn't sound very encouraging. She did however agree to go speak with our pastor again next week.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds like there is a struggle going on inside of her. I hope your pastor can help her see that she needs to stop this self destructive behavior and that she has people (you and D) that love her and are willing to help her during the rough times. But in the end it is her responsibility to take the steps to get well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Any other ideas? What is the likelyhood that I would be able to keep our daughter in a situation like this if D happens?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not a piece of cake that's for sure because unless you can prove to the court that she is an abusive or negligent mother, the court will more than likely give custody to the one that has been the stay at home parent(usually the mother). If you read my story, I got lucky (if that can be called lucky <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) and her over the top behavior was documented by a third party (social worker). Talk to an attorney with a proven track record for helping to win custody cases (I had one, she was a real pitbull)and explain your situation to see what you can do to enhance your chances of getting custody of your D.

Good luck and God bless.

My WW was a vicim of sexual abuse at age 13. That has really made things difficult for her.

It doesn't really seem that she is involved with the SA right now. She has been seeing this guy for less than a week and they are talking about M and how he feels about being a father. Pretty serious stuff for only meeting 3 times. She wants to continue seeing him to figure out if he is the one. What do you think the chances are of this working out?

Crazy thing is that her parents got D earlier this year. She says that this guy reminders her of her father in many ways (smell, looks, etc). Sounds like she is looking for someone to replace her father. I don't know!

I am feeling a little hopeless right now because I feel like she has already sort of decided that he is what she wants, but she wants to keep me around as a consolation prize in case things don't work out.

I really appreciate the replies. Keep them coming. It really helps me to know that someone is reading the messages and listening to my story.

Just wanted to bump this up to see if anyone had any replies to the previous message. I am getting pretty hopeless.

Thanks!

All I can read in your posts on this thread is how much you love your W, and are enabling her. It's hard. I know all too well. I have only just this week come to the acceptance that my H is a SA.

From what I've learned of SA so far, the bottom line is that there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO to help her, UNLESS she is aware she has a problem, and is willing to seek help for it. Not because you want her to, but b/c SHE wants to, for herself.

I am living proof of Dr.Harley's knowledge that his plans will NOT work if there is another addiction (other than the A) present in the M. It's true, so very true. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I had 1 1/2 yrs of what I thought was recovery.... but underlying it all, was and is my H's SA. Sure, he got rid of the other women. He made some significant changes too (eventually... but I expected that since I had a head start, thanks to MB).

Granted, I have had my chance of no OP's in the picture. I have tried to work on my M. And I did. But my H didn't. He CAN'T! He may want to, but his addiction is so strong, that he just can't.

And now I know that the only way I can help him, is to leave him. And even that scenerio may not help him. But I have to protect myself, and our sons from his addiction. It's a toxic environment in this house now. It's very sad. And it's only b/c I didn't have my boundaries in tact, and I enabled his behaviour.

You have to decide if you are willing to accept your W's SA if she never gets help. It is an incurable disease, and it is always a threat. It's okay if you want to accept it. However, you must prepare yourself for no improvment in your M - UNLESS she is seeking help. That's the key.

I'm sorry... I know I'm talking in circles here. It's all part of my trying to understand all of this too. It's really frustrating.

I found a support group for SA's and their S's, and one poster (a recovering SA) talked about his experience. He noted that having an addiction is like being insane. And the spouse of that addict is doing their best to understand the insanity, and in return, becomes insane in a way. They become a co-dependant, and the cycle continues, and the family deteriorates. The thing to do is to break that cycle. And if that means leaving your W, then so be it. She must learn that her actions come with consequences.

A lot of what I've said is irrelevant if your W is truly aware of her SA, and is seeking help. But I didn't gather that she is, based on what I read. (did I miss it?).

Karen

"I am feeling a little hopeless right now because I feel like she has already sort of decided that he is what she wants, but she wants to keep me around as a consolation prize in case things don't work out."

As long as she sses that you are willing to stick around she will continue to have multiple affairs. What she needs to see is that you are unwilling to accept this kind of marriage and that you are ready to move on without her. Otherwise you will be enabling her to continue her affairs. You should get legal advice to get full custody of your child.Your child should not have to be exposed to seeing her mother sleeping with many different men.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am feeling a little hopeless right now because I feel like she has already sort of decided that he is what she wants, but she wants to keep me around as a consolation prize in case things don't work out.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You feel that way because you truly love her and you miss the woman she was before all of this happened. But there is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do to force her to come back to you to rebuild the M. IF you want to try to save your M, the only thing you can do is avoid love busting and plan A/plan B to make yourself much more an attractive choice for her. IF you don't want to save your M, then go to an attorney and file for divorce. These choices might s**k but they are your choices nonetheless, choose wisely.

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 09:53 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Thanks to everyone for the input!! It truly is sad to think that there is little that MB can do. I don't think I am ready to accept that fact yet.

My WW still tells me that she loves me and she kisses and hugs me. Maybe I am just being hopeful, but I think that there is still something there.

From what I can tell, my WW has cut off all other men and focused on one inparticular. She has told me that they are not talking about sex, but that she wants to wait until they are married....that doesn't sound like a SA to me. Totally unlike my WW.

I chatted with the OM last night for few minutes. Told him that my WW accidently left chat open and sorry to dissapoint him, but it was her H. I also told him that I would like to meet him. I told my WW that I did this and she was amazed at my love for her and that I didn't rip the OM to shreds. I think this helped build some trust in me and show that I am truly a caring person. Am I nuts or what?