Well..for any of you who have been reading my thread called 'Advice Appreciated', no need to input re my letter now.

Our kids fell apart emotionally again last night. My H had them at hockey practice and when they were dropped home my S was sobbing. Apparently he asked my H on the way home if he was happier without him, my D, and me. My H said he wasn't happier without them but sometimes you think a marriage will last forever but it just ends.

It took about an hour to calm my S down enough to get him to try to sleep and during that time I talked to him and reassured him that his Daddy loved him and it was nothing to do with him or my D. I told my S that when he was with Daddy he and my D were a family, and when they're with me, we're a family. I told him that we share their time equally so they get to see both parents alot. I also said that perhaps until he gets used to it, perhaps he could pretend Daddy was out of town on those nights he didn't see him. My S (11) said that wasn't good enough and he didn't understand why Daddy was happier without me as I was always nice to Daddy, etc. He then told me he's been praying! This floored me as my S has never been one interested in church much. It was a heart breaking hour and I was just at my wit's end and so mad at my H.

I know my kids are taking it hard because they have nothing tangible to justify this. They have not lived in a home where there was fighting, or yelling, they only lived in a home where two parents did everything together, and were happy, and they as the kids were involved in a family that did everything together. So..how do you deal with the fact that Daddy just made an announcement one day and left?!

Tonight my H came to pick up the kids for overnight (he told them he'd discuss this further with them tonight..who knows what he'll say) and I asked him privately if he could think long and hard about what he's doing because the kids are suffering big time.

My H looked at me and said 'I'm sorry, but I'll never change my mind about you. We're over'.

I told him I loved him and didn't want this and he said 'I know you don't', and he left.

So..I now have to be strong and follow through and get the separation stuff done and also get him to take all his belongings as not only is it not good for me, I don't think it's good for the kids either to be surrounded by it. And, at least after the work of the separation stuff is done, we'll be organized here to move on.

I'm devastated but that's it. He did have a teary moment there, but that's it. Even the fact that his kids are falling apart does nothing. So much for 14 years of marriage and just to be 'thrown' away like something you don't want anymore.

Kimmy -- No advice, just a big hug. Your post hit home when you said you felt discarded. I know it doesn't help, but I don't think the WH view it at all as discarding someone (in their messed up mental state). Not to be flippant, but "one man's trash is another man's treasure". I am sure you are a treasure and your WH just is not able to see it right now. I like to view it that WH is not the man I married and I am still a treasure. You are too.

God bless you and your children right now.

kimmy1...

I have so many hugs and prayers for you.

Yes, it is so hard to understand... and it does sound as if it is time for you to "go dark," implement "plan B" with your H. Limit your contact with him to just what is necessary... it is more difficult to go completely dark w/ young children... but if you have family or friends to help as intermediaries... it can be done.

Emphasize that it is NOT to hurt him... or manipulate him... but that it is for YOU... because it is just to PAINFUL... and YOU need some time COMPLETELY away from him to heal.

again, hugs and prayers.

Cali

((Kimmy)): I really don't have any advice but wanted to send wishes and prayers for comfort for you and the kids.

I'm so sorry you are going through this pain.

Hugs. Remember you are loved. Your kids are suffering but you will all get through somehow. It's horrible to be without your H and them without their Dad but let's hope that you and the kids grow closer through this difficult season of life.

Kimmy,

Just read your story and wanted to let you know I'll keep you in my prayers. Only God can make any kind of sense out of this chaos we're all involved in. Take good care of yourself, as your children will need you now more than ever. All the best to you!

Kimmy Sweetheart- THis is FOG TALK.. you can still save your M.. tell the kids that... it is not gone... no D yet.. even with D marriage can be restored. Turn to your Lord and Saviour- you will b ok.

Do not take him seriously- he is confused by this ea. Let him know your love for him in the best plan a you can do.

Hugs, HONEY

Oh my gosh! Thank you so much for the amazing responses. I am so blessed to have people that I don't even know say such kind, encouraging words.

I don't know what 'going dark' means..I guess it means no contact? But, yes...I have to now be strong and determined.

Absolutely I know that I do not want to hurt my H. I definitely need as little contact as possible with him to heal. I am worried about him, even after all this. I worry about my H in that the man I knew and respected and admired, and loved, has become this shell. What happened to his soul?

I just got off the phone with two good friends and got all my emotions and tears out with them. How blessed I am that I have such good friends who will listen to me and be so compassionate and reassuring. And that is for everyone who has responded to me as well. Thank you so much.

I'm going to have something to eat now and just get to bed. I need to just get through tonight and start again tomorrow.

Thank you for your kind words.

Honey: thanks for your post. I have already turned to the Lord, asking for guidance and strength. I pray to Him to look after my H, and give him guidance. I pray to Him to give my children peace and protection as they are suffering, and I pray for strength for myself. I can only continue to pray and hope He is leading me down this path for a reason.

I do love my H and he knows that. I told him I don't want this and he said he knows that too. I feel there's not much I can do at this point but start to close down to him and get things moving. He knows I'm committed to him and our marriage. I will do as much no contact as I can and hope I have the determination to persevere and be strong.

Kimmy - I read your post and my god it home - it is exactly what my husband says and did - I had been with him for 19 years - married for 15 years in August last October he told me he had an affair...with someone I didn't know - then he came left, came left - trying to make a long story short - I ended up finding out in April that he has been talking with the lady next door for a year and that she well indeed may have been the other woman - so my children started (9 & 12 girls) freaking out because I was freaking out - and then my husband decided he wanted a divorce that - it was over - I would never forgive him - that the feeling wasn't there anymore - and let me tell you this all just came out of no where - we didn't even really ever fight and let me tell you I have been devestated - I was divorced on September 18 - and I have good days and bad days - I love him very much and I know that I didn't want this divorce but I have done everything that I could to prevent it and it wasn't enough - I am at the point now that I am mad if he ignores me, I am mad if he talks to me.. I just wanted to let you know that I can totally relate to feeling like you have just been thrown away for no apparent reason - People keep telling me it will get better and I will admit I am much better - but still not there yet - hang in there - You are worthy.. I keep trying to remember that myself -

Kimmy,

you have been so great...it is so tough and you are on the right track. I know others have said it but it really is true-he is in the fog bad. Maybe you have no real confirmation of any affair but something is in his head. It may all be onesided but most affairs are. The spouse who is cheating either emotionally or physically really does not care for anyone but themselves...i.e. your husband-they dont care about their spouse, their kids, or the person they once were. It is terrible but it doesnt mean it is over. If you get a chance read mortarman he has been through hell and back but he is now at a place where he knows everything really is in God's hands. My husband hit that low as well. We sold our house, he stopped seeing our daughter, his parents even told me he was so lost that he would never see the light. They told him they couldnt understand his behavior and they would never be able to face me or my parents because he had shamed them so much. Nothing would sway him. I just had to do what your doing now. Cry, vent, get up the next day and start again. I wanted desperately for him to see what he was throwing away but nothing I could do mattered. He had to open his own eyes. Do what you must for yourself and your children. You have no control over him. We are here for you. And you and yours are always in my prayers.

ayslyne

Well..again..thank you for the responses. Gives me some encouragement to get through tonight.

I do know that this H is not the one I loved and lived with for 14 years. He is like a shell with someone else's personality inside. I know I must do what's best for me and my children, and that's why I'm hanging in there. I just don't understand how my H can just overlook his children falling apart emotionally.

I will continue to pray and look to my friends and all of you who are so helpful here in this site.

I read Mortarman's posts today and was very inspired. I hope it works out for him!

Kimmy1 dont give up, 'fog talk' is the most horrible words on earth, the most hurtful, in March of this yr my H, totally out of the blue told me he wanted a D. I was absolutely blindsided. He moved into a separate bedroom while he was looking for a place to stay, he didnt want any of our friends to know, hint 1 that he wasnt sure of what he was doing... then all of a sudden I was exactly what he needed and wanted to stay,,, then he wanted to go again.... In May I found out about an EA with a married coworker, he was trying to find a place to stay so she could move in with him..... She told him NO WAY that he wasnt worth losing her H of 20 yrs for... then he thought we could work things out but this time I was the one who didnt want to,,,, I wasnt going to win by default, it was like 'I cant have her so I'll just stick you'''' No way,,,, I'm worth more than that the next few months were absolute hell, He decided he didnt want either of us,,, I decided if he wasnt gonna go then I was,,, When he realized I had found a place to stay, his world shattered,,,, funny how when he realized I was getting my life back together, his fell apart,,,,, anyway, we're 5 months past d-day, and into recovery, we have our good days and our bad days but, since he's realized that I really was going to be ok going on without him, he has been a totally different person,,, actually, I'm the one who still has most of the problem.... but I'm working on it..... so Kimmy1, build yourself back up,,, go on w/your life and your children, believe in yourself, there is still hope for you and your H, but if it doesnt work, Life will go on, and you'll only be stronger because of it............ good luck and God Bless

Kimmy1
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. Please take care of yourself and your kids right now. Read Dr. Dobson's Love Must Be Tough and SAA--Plan A and B and decide for yourself how you want to handle things. You are on the right track to pray. God will give you strength you didn't know you were capable of! I know, it happened for me. Read the inspirational stories on here. It ain't over until its over and even then, it might not be over forever! Right now you must protect yourself and your love for H. Sounds like you have more left in you, maybe get an appointment with Steve Harley for advice? Know that others care and are praying for you.

Dear Kim,

I am sorry to hear of your H's babble cruely taken out even on the children. It is not fair and his decision and the effect on them will be for life. My son was 6 when d/d hit, his dad told him in tears that he loved us but had to move out. Crocodile tears combined with guilt. That little guy saw right through all that and after a bit of time, composed the most compelling but short (4 sentence) letter to his dad that hit the heart.....if it didn't that meant he didn't have one.

Anyway, it helped jolt some sense into him but recovery was still far away. The pain he caused our child is something I will never ever forgive him for. He is home now but he is having to deal with his actions. Trust between us and between him and his son is in the repair stage.

For me at that time, I had to find my own support group, MB here helped me. In turn I gave my son his support group. I notified the school, day care, friends and family. See I had to tell to protect him. Children in school unload a lot on each other. Even if our children did not go through this, more than likely they have already see other children suffer. While our incident was going on, our son's best friend in school whose mom had abandoned her 3 children all 7 and under to live a life of 'fun'. That fun cost her her life and she was killed in a motorcycle accident. That little boy is an honor student. He unloaded his feelings on my son and now my child carried the burden of both of them. When I learned of it (about 1 week later), I spoke to his father and my H. It was a healing process for all but a real lesson in life for the Ws. The A still continued but real life scenarios carried a strong message.

So, let your H carry the burden of telling the kids. When they ask questions, give them love, encourage them to communicate but direct their questions to their dad. He needs to be able to answer them. Don't hide stuff from them. Your honesty right now is important. Be cautious but honest. Let them know that you will not leave them. If they compare or say things to their dad in your defense, let them.....don't scold them.

Let your children be your support also. They have a powerful tool (the ability to love a stupid parent), let them do what they do best.

Hugz,
L.

<small>[ October 31, 2002, 01:06 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Going dark means taking a holiday in Malysia, Indonesia, Thailand, Philipines etc.

I have read SAA and also His Needs/Her Needs. In addition I've read Divorce Busters and Divorce Remedy. I've also read many more and constantly do research on the web and have been to therapy.

I wish I could take a vacation..a long one!

At least I have a bit of inner peace that I've at least tried to work out my marriage. Now the only way to continue seems to be no contact as much as possible and to stay focussed and disciplined.

Thanks for everyone's input. Please keep responding. I will need help getting through this hard time.

Kimmy,

Allow me to send you {{Kimmy}}. I am sorry you are going through this pain. A lot has been said here so I don't think I can add anything else.

My pain is not as big as yours, but it hurt me to know my W told our son we would be living in separate houses when they return. He was sad and cried. We had agreed to talk to him together and she did it by herself. My son now knows that I love his mom and she does not love his dad.

It is terrible! How can you hurt the innocent ones? What fault do they have in all this.

But know this, you are doing great! and God will remember that and recognize it. You should be proud because you have done nothing wrong and you are doing right by trying to save your M.

Be well and keep the faith.

<small>[ October 31, 2002, 03:43 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

Utterly Confused: I don't know how WS's can hurt the 'innocent' ones..the kids. That's why I referred to my H in a previous post as someone without a soul. It's like there's this body, with no soul.

Today I was pretty good. My H was originally going to come here tonight to do my kids' make up for Halloween. After last night I decided that wouldn't be the best thing for me, so I left him a message saying that I thought he should pick them up and take them to his place and do the makeup there.

He arrived to pick them up and when he did I left the room until they had gone. I also asked my kids to tell him to just drop them outside when they're finished trick or treating. I feel really good about that and I really feel that by not seeing his face as much will help me. Because we've decided to share out kids equally, I see his face every other day, and as you know, when you see them it just hurts so much.

I am going to avoid contact as much as possible and I have written my letter re the separation agreement and I will leave it for him to pickup when he comes to be with the kids after I've left for work tomorrow morning.

I need to start healing, so I must start to close down. Thanks for your post, Utterly Confused. And..I bet your hurt IS as big as mine. You hang in there. I keep reading your thread.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kimmy1:
<strong>I need to start healing, so I must start to close down.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know if there is a way to do Plan B or to "close down" without giving up. I agree you need to concentrate on yourself and do everything for you and your kids. Stop worrying about him, if he notices you, if he feels something, etc. I know this is easier said than done. I can't seem to do it.

Go out and do something nice for yourself. Have your nails done, your hair, I don't know, spend some time by the lake alone, whatever you liked to do before you were married. Start living the life you want with your kids. I know the life you want includes him but that can't be right now. Be patient, do plan B but don't give up hope.

Be well.

Utterly Confused: I know what you're saying, and I will try to do stuff for myself. I wish I had a place by a lake to go to!

Before I got married I used to go to disco's with my friends and dance!. Do you remember discos? Maybe you're younger than me. It's not the same at bars nowadays, that's for sure.

I worked alot before I met my H, and didn't have alot of hobbies, although I loved to do crafts and art stuff, so I'm planning on doing stuff like that for myself again.

I am going to stop worrying about him, definitely. But...no...I haven't given up hope..at least for now.

You take care.