If you did, what was the reaction? Did any of you receive threats or abuse from the betrayed spouse (I am assuming you told this person in a fair and kindly manner)?

<small>[ October 30, 2002, 07:12 PM: Message edited by: MJay ]</small>

OOPSIE! please read the following post, sorry.
Harold

<small>[ October 30, 2002, 07:05 PM: Message edited by: DJ T-Bird ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DJ T-Bird:
<strong>Hi, yes I did tell my wife back in '94 - even though we didn't go all the way - what one HE!L of a mistake that was!! She wanted to know every single detail, over and over and over and over and over, etc. ad nauseaum. She never let me forget it - not even when she went out and had a full blown PA on me the following year. Then she had the audacity to say it was a 'story' her and her neighbour made up! I should have told her very basic points, and said no details. She kept in like a police detective over and over and over examining every facet of my story from every angle, comparing it to what I had told her just before, picking it apart and blasting me when I had problems remembering every single day of our 2 month Affair. This crap went on for 2 months, until I was deployed to another city on a Humanitarian Peace Keeping Mission (I was in the Army at the time). Let me back up: Yes I am glad I told her, I was in the wrong and should have, BUTT, my mistake was letting her hound me into giving her the sordid details over and over again...
Sadder but wiser, Harold</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Sorry, D J T-Bird, I am asking if any of the Other Women or Other Men told the lover's spouse about the affair. Thanks, though, for your contribution.

I'll answer from a BS's point of view. And I can only speak for myself.

I would have appreciated it if my ex-h's ow'en, any of them, would have told me of the affair. I had the right to know what was going on in my life. But no one seemed to give a rat's you know what about that. I had the right to decide for myself if I wanted to remain married to a man who was cheating.

My current H's ow'en told me when I asked them. They were very open about it.

To tell her would be to show her some respect, the only respect she'll probably ever get from the enter thing. I assume you are contemplating this. Just do it breifly with simple details.

<small>[ October 30, 2002, 07:48 PM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>

Zorweb, thank you for your response. Actually, after trying to convince my ex-Lover for most of the year that he MUST tell her, and after yielding to his threats ("She will hunt for you and we own firearms") for long enough, I finally wrote a very careful letter. I let 2 men and 1 woman read it first, to tell me if it was "gentle" and fair enough. The one woman, a friend who had been cheated on for a year till she caught her husband, told me she wished she had received such a letter. Anyway, I sent it. A malestrom followed, with ex-Lover calling making threats (he said his wife was threatening suicide, and he left me a message saying if she did it, he would find a legal way to make me responsible; note, he was making these messages to me rather than rushing home to comfort her). She on the other hand sent me 3 abusive emails. I had given her my return email address in case she wanted to ask questions (such as was he with me at such and such a time, whatever might alleviate her anxiety). The emails were simply 2 lines each with curses and vulgar words to me. She seemed to entirely blame me for the adultery.

I finally put them all on email block and didn't answer the phone for a while. My question was, will he make it seem like I am a "common enemy" and provoke her to some kind of retribution? I really thought I did the right thing by telling her (he lied to me too, about being separated, and essentially tricked me into an affair).

I wonder whether I should be taking steps to protect myself, or will I just never hear from them again? What do you think?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MJay:
<strong>Sorry, D J T-Bird, I am asking if any of the Other Women or Other Men told the lover's spouse about the affair. Thanks, though, for your contribution.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did we? Did we? Sure we did, in a nice way too. 10 minutes after I admitted my Affair, my (then) wife had us down there talking to her Husband, then she got on the phone and proceeded to (from Germany, mind you) call: Her Family, My Family, My Sister, each of her brothers and sisters, the Pastor of our old church, and even our old neighbour from where we were just stationed at in Arizona. So, yes, everybody found out about it. I'm surprised she didn't call the local TV Station too LOLOL.
Everybody was nice about it, though...
Harold

MJ...often when the BW first discovers the affair her anger is turned toward the OW...more so then the WS. It's just plain easier to be in a rage at someone you don't know, don't care about...then someone who you love and have trusted. Just human nature. Hopefully, she'll direct her anger towards the one who deserves it...her H. But, it may take a long while for her to get to that point.

Her H is now in a position of defending himself, if he's staying in the marriage. He'll have no problem laying as much of the blame for his actions on your door step as possible. He'll also be angry at you for "outing" him to his W and making him deal with the results of his actions.

Likely, he is now dealing with a W who is "off the wall"...I sure was. Her emotions will be all over and he'll be ducking and trying to appease her...all of which he will now blame you for...instead of taking responsiblity for what he has caused.

Yes, you may well become the "common enemy"...sure wouldn't be the first time this has happened in a betrayal situation. You're the "outsider"...they're the "couple".

You let her know...she isn't interested and may not be capable of listening to you....Therefore...continue to block, don't intrude into their lives. It's now his mess...let him clean it up.

You move on with your life and I pray that you heal from this experience and find happiness and love in your future.

Good Luck!

DJT...while I can understand your frustration at your W for wanting details...I can also understand her need for them. It really doesn't matter the length of the affair, whatever time that the affair lasted is time where the BS feels as if they were being kept in the dark. The going over and over details is a way of putting the light on during a time when you believed one thing, but what you believed was not correct. Plus...often it is getting those little details right time and time again, which gives us the security that we are hearing the truth. When the details change from one time to another...it leads to mistrust of what we have been told in total. Believe it or not...you were lucky that it went on only two months...my H would have kissed my feet if I had stopped after two months. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But it does seem that this is something where the sexes part company, most men don't seen to have the need to "pick it apart" the way that women do.

As for your W and her affair...revenge affairs do happen...and one betrayal NEVER makes a second one right. (Altho, I've often said...I couldn't truly understand why my H had his affair...but during those first months of trying to rebuild after d-day...if an affair had happened for either of us...I could have understood. The stress that we both went through was overwhelming, the distance the betrayal created between us, the plain hateful things we said..then we had a marriage in crisis.)

Mjay, you did what you did. IMHO it was the right thing. I know that others may not agree. But from my experience knowing is very important. How they handle it their business. Anytime someone delivers bad news they should expect just about anything. His wife was probably in shock and reacted badly. Very often, when a person finds out that their spouse has had an affair their first reaction is very strong. You have heard of crimes of passion right? That’s where they come from.

It was not a pretty screen in my house the night I found out that my current husband was having an affair. His mom was visiting… it’s a very good thing that she is deaf. There are few hurts that are deeper. I know it’s the most painful thing I’ve ever been through. And the good Lord has not spared me from crisis in this life.

So she let out some of her anger on you. Let that go. Blocking her was the right thing to do.

"She will hunt for you and we own firearms.”

I remember you saying this before. And I recall telling you that it was a veiled threat from him, not her.

If he gives you any further grief about this, just get a restraining order against him. You may want to remind him too that if she commits suicide or whatever other pain she goes through, he is the one who betrayed her. Not you. I’d probably just wait until the next time you hear from them, if there is a next time.

By now they should be busy working on their marriage and too preoccupied to bother you. And yes, I’d bet my bottom dollar that he’s working full time to make you the victim. And she may very well buy into it as it may help her deal with the infidelity. But again this is not your issue. She will never understand your part in having an affair with her husband. So the flavor of not understanding is probably not all that important. At least that’s my take on it.

Seems it’s time for you to close the door on this unfortunate chapter.

MJ,

You did the right thing. Just because she is upset does not change that fact. You are only responsible for doing the right thing, not the RESULTS. Just remember, she is not upset because you told her the truth but because he had an affair. And its much easier to make you the villan than him.

Thanks all of you for your support of my very-long-in-coming decision to tell her. I am long over him, and had ended it when it was clear that he WANTED to stay married and WANTED to continue to have an affair with me.

My concern is very simply: AM I IN DANGER? Was that firearms thing an idle threat? Or will she fester about me and "come after me"? I was also concerned about his lawsuit threats, although, wouldn't HE be the one who is liable, for keeping firearms in the house when his wife is unstable? Do I need to be looking over my shoulder?

I should mention that I live several states away, so when they blame me for being a wiley female (if that is what they do) it is pretty hard to force a man to drive 10 hours to see you unless he is really motivated.

You know what really pushed me over the edge about coming clean? I saw the movie "Sliding Doors" and the situation and the character were sooo similar.

My other question is, as time goes by, is it more likely or less likely they will seek some kind of "vengeance" (because he insisted I would only tell her out of "vengeance" which, while it is not true, gives me an idea of how HE thinks). I have NO contact with them, and as I said, live very far away. But can I relax or should I be concerned for the future?

Thanks again.

As an OW, I have been hesitant to post but read here on a regular basis.

The married man I was involved with had a history of cheating. Not until it ended did I find out about his long history of affairs. This when was I started to think his wife needed to know the truth about him. She had caught him once and probably suspected him of cheating many times.

I didn't tell her because I wasn't sure she would even want to talk to me - why should she? I wouldn't have blamed her if she hated me. Even though her husband pursued me, I was just as guilty. I thought she'd blame it all on me and knew she was very angry at him.

I felt sorry for her because he often told me how she asked questions, suspected him of lying, thought he was making an effort to reconcile with her, while he continued having a love affair with me.

There will likely be responses from some of you who will not want to hear from an OW and I can't blame you. Do you want the OW to tell you things when its over? Are you willing to listen, even if it might not be what you think happened? I'm not claiming to be innocent and have to find a way tolive with myself for getting involved with another woman's husband. I have seen this man lie to his wife and decieve her, while at the same time pretending to recommit himself to their marriage. In fact, his wife thinks he was involved with a woman he knew many years ago anddoes not know about me. She assumed he was still seeing the OW she had caught him with before not realizing he's moved on to another ow.

What bothers me most is that I saw how she struggled - her instrincts must have been telling her that things didn't add up, that he must be involved with another woman, that she was not getting the truth. He has an answer for everything and a long llist of excuses to use when she becomes suspicious.

How would you suggest that you tell a betrayed spouse if you are the other person? Do you call them on the phone? Do you ask them to meet you? Should you wait until things calm down? Or, do you leave it alone and let the cheating spouse deal with it, knowing the bs may never know the truth.

Layla:
"I felt sorry for her because he often told me how she asked questions, suspected him of lying, thought he was making an effort to reconcile with her, while he continued having a love affair with me. "

Boy, you sound like me! Mine used to say to me with total bewilderment "She doesn't trust me!" Well, duh! He had no idea that there was a connection between being worthy of trust, and having her trust him.

And he did the same bit about trying to "reconcile", while telling ME all the stuff he took from our love affair and was using to recreate his marriage, even down to sex stuff!!

What I did was try to convince HIM to tell her, that no matter how nice he was to her now, if he continued to try to fix his marriage using our romance as a template, then no matter how good it got, his marriage was a sham, based on a lie, forever.

He told me he wouldn't tell her because then she would divorce him, he also told me he wouldn't tell her because it would hurt her. I think he knew she would never divorce him, but he didn't want to tell her because he knew there would be consequences and he didn't want consequences. I finally got sick of hearing him continue to whine about his marriage after going back to it. I wanted her to know all along, but I was both protecting him PLUS he had bullied me with threats into silence. Finally, I got tired of protecting him.

Personally, I sent a long email that I worked on for a week. Have others read it if possible, to make sure it is as kind and compassionate as possible. Or a letter. For me, direct contact such as phone was impossible, because of the death threats by him on her behalf against me. Email was anonymous.

I do think the wife has a right to know, so she can chose whether to stay married to him or not. In my case, I hope they DO stay married, I sure wouldn't have him now. He had cheated on her before they were married, while they were living together, and after they were married. He told me she didn't know about most of them, but stayed insecure and jealous forever.

I wish you luck, and decide carefully if you feel safe, what type of communication to offer her.

Best wishes,
MJay

Layli,

I agree with your instincts to tell the wife. To me knowing is better than what my imagination conjures up.

My concern for you is that what will the WH think/do when he finds out that you've told her.

When my H told OW that he was telling me about the affair, he said she expressed concern about my feelings and that she felt remorse.

I wouldn't be totally surprised if I hear from her at some point. From my position I would welcome it. H has been confused/doesn't remember details in areas that I can't believe he's forgotten.

Blessings to you! You were brave to post! CSue