This goes out to everyone and anyone,

I guess since I'm kinda new I should give some history. Me (32) W (33) S (5) D (3) married 13 together 14. W had PA with my so-called best friend and neighbor D-day was 4/23/02 no seperation trying to rebuild Started Counseling 4/24 but didn't agree with Counselor's ways. All she wanted to do is validate our feelings. I know that's part of counselling but needed more of a hands on type of approach not just being agreeable. W refused new Counselor because she thinks we can do it on our own. I disagree but I think it's part of her Withdrawl. Came across MB one night at work I agree with this style. W refuses to read print outs I made because she feels that MB is exactly how she felt during A and feels now. Can't get her to understand that if she read all of it she could understand how I feel too and that we can use this info to better our recovery. Well here's the problem.

Situation: Sometimes I think I'm at the end of my rope. W committed major LB tonight we're somewhat in recovery. I think I'm more into recovery than she is. Tonight I asked her to spend some time with me before I left to work. She knows that I start getting ready for work at 10:30 she comes to bed at 10:25 not much quality time but I was somewhat satisfied with 5 minutes. I know i'm settling but I guess that's all part of a slow recovery.

At 10:30 I looked her in the eye and told her I love her I went in to try to kiss her but was immediately told "I don't feel like kissing" She realized that this hurt my feelings and followed up with "I'm sorry". I don't know what to do I love her and have forgiven her for A but, she has the (if I don't do anything about recovery it will eventually fix itself) attitude. I keep telling her that ignoring the A is not a healthy way to recover. I want to work together to get over the feelings that we both have about A. I know that she's trying but her way of trying isn't producing any good results.

Anyone have any suggestions about how to proceed. Is a separation in order? I just don't know anymore. Sometimes I feel that if we separate that maybe she'll miss me enough to try harder. But I don't want to chance her becoming less motivated to work at our M. I still love her very much but I don't know how much more I can take.

Please help with any and all advice

Hi therod,

Have you and your W taken the Emotional needs questionnaire? If so what are her top 3 ENs vs yours?

Work with that first. If she doesn't want to counsel with Steve or Jennifer, then you go ahead and have IC sessions with them.

How dependent is your W on you?

Just questions that may help you plan your next move. I certainly understand about being good, rejected and tired.

Is there a chance that the A (ea or pa) still continuing or she is still pining away for the OM?

take care,
L.

Orchid,

Getting her to look at the EN questionaire is almost impossible. I'm pretty sure that neither EA, PA or pinning is the problem. Of course I could be wrong (maybe pinning) she says no but I'm trying real hard to believe her.

I think that it's more of a (how can you love me so much after I hurt you so much) issue, that's what she's told me sooo many times. I think part of the problem is also that she feels like she stopped loving me and fell in love with OM (sorry &@#*&^*#) oops couldn't help that little outburst. To tell the truth if I wouldn't get arrested or even suspected the sorry !#(*(Y%!( would not be breathing today. Anyway, What is the best way to deal with this rejection. Any suggestions? Last week or so we had a major blow up and after that fiasco when the waters calmed I asked her to be honest with me. So keeping in line with promise of honesty she tells me tonight "aren't you glad I'm being honest about not wanting to kiss?" In my eyes this was a minor LB on her part.

I do want her to be honest but most of all I want her to LOVE me like she did before. I appreciated her honesty but I also told her that what I preferred was her to try and figure out how she/I/we could work through this me so that she could love me and want to kiss not just be honest about not wanting to kiss (or anything else) for that matter.

There are days when I can kiss her, hug her, hold her and even satisfy one of my EN <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . For the record that EN doesn't hit the top three on my list. At this point in my life my most important EN is affection <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . But she can't understand why in her words "that's ALL I think of" the dreaded S.E.X. word. Seems that she associates affection with intimacy. Because our previous Counselor was being so agreeable she had her convinced that her not wanting to be intimate with me was because "SEX" is what got her into this mess to begin with.

Like I told W that's partly wrong. SEX did cause all of this mess but it was sex with OM not SEX with me. But, Now you know why it is that I didn't want to see that (counselor) either right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I know that her wanting to be completely intimate is going to take some time but I guess I kinda expect intimacy when I deposit Major LOVE UNITS. Maybe that's where I'm wrong.

bump! Any others w/advice?

Hi Therod,

I just read your response but need time to digest it and reply. I will get back to you soon, ok?

In the meantime, let's see what the others have to say.

take care,
L.

Again feeling at the end of my rope anyone have any helpful insight. I will accept all suggestions. I just want to go on. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

therod

I would like to suggest you consider the following list from Michele Weiner Davis Divorce Busting:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow her around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation), be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. show him someone he would want to be around.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

TMCM,

Thanks that sounds like good advice. I've done most of what was suggested but man does it still hurt. With us it's not so much the fighting it's the LB'ing especially when she doesn't meet my EN of re-assurance. Thanks for the reply.