I am a WS about to confess an A. M (11), T (13).

I had a A a couple of years but have not confessed and must. I am scared, I want to confess; I want to rebuilt my marriage, this is not about guilt but true remorse!

My home has been in emotional distress non stop for a few years. Let me divuldge a few details.

My marriage has been troubled since we hit the altar, actually before. In addition to marital problems I have an SD that is totally out of control. This is NOT my excuse for what I've done.

SD is into stealing, lying, causing chaos, been raped, drugs, prostition, illicent internet sex, etc... She continously puts herself in situations that will cuase her to be raped or worse (these are a counselors words, not mine!) We have other children S (10) D(8) and in the last few months the SD has been removed from my home because she is a threat to herslef and everybody else. The SD casued total chaos in my house until she was about 9, said she wanted to live with her F, went to his house destroyed his house, then came back to my house. She isn't being thrown out, she causes chaos then SHE asks to go somewhere else.

My marriage; after 4 years of MC and the MC told us there was nothing more she could do for us, I gave up [my mistkae!]. I try to communicate in my M and make things better but at some point there was no return...

I began the A and felt like a total fool. The SD came home, I had to get my act together, ended the A and started trying to put my house in order. Totally filled with guilt!

Through all this chaos myslef, my W and kids have begun going to Church and coming closer together. I MUST divuldge the A, for many reasons... I feel I will be tossed right out on the street, the Bible even says, adultary is a valid reason for divorce! I do not want a divorce, I do not want to loss my wife and kids.

I want to be prepared to tell my W that we've never had a chance and if if we work at our M it will be great. The problem is my W can be very unforgiving... I want to tactfully show here that the A is mine I own it, but the state of our M is both our faults and we can fix it! She has told me in the past it is unfixable, I don't beleive that!

Any thoughts, ideas, prayers?

The fact that you've managed to come back to your marriage and not continue "playing the field" for 1-2 years might help her see that you are capable of making a mistake and not repeating it. While at first she'll be in shock, this fact will sink in after a while and will provide her with something to rebuild trust on. For most BSs, that is one of the utmost questions, is the WS even CAPABLE of reforming or will they run out again at the blow of the wind and do this to us again.

My suggestion:

Set aside a quiet time in a nonthreatening environment, if you're afraid she'll kick you out, be prepared to accept your "punishment". Tell her you've sinned against God and have repented of it and have settled it with God. Then tell her that you have also sinned against her, and need her forgiveness too. Also she needs to know about the A so that she can make a decision about rebuilding your marriage with full knowledge of all relative information. Be prepared, she may have something similar to confess. If your marriage is that bad, she may have sought solace too. She also may have suspected at the time that you were in an A, but did not want to face it. If you are at the point of D due to problems with how you deal with each other, etc. what do you have to lose by confessing and trying to get counseling started?

Tell her, "There are some problems in our marriage that I know you are aware of. I can tell that you are unhappy, and I think marriage is intended to be so much more, and that's what I want for us." Then go into the A. Don't hit her with the A before approaching her with repairing the marriage. As the WS, you MUST understand that the ball is totally in her court. No matter how much YOU want reconciliation, a strong marriage etc., SHE gets the privilege of making the final decision. If she chooses to seperate etc., then it is up to you to win her back, not vice versa. You have a long road ahead. With God's help, you'll come out of it more Christ-like than you ever thought possible - regardless of what decision your wife might make.

<small>[ October 31, 2002, 10:32 AM: Message edited by: jamup ]</small>

I understand the decision is now hers, but doesn't the Bible take about REPEATED infidelity? I don't want to start another Biblical discussion.

To the BS out there. Initial shock and initial reaction aside, wouldn't admission w/o being caught, complete remorse and hanging in there during excessively tough times count for much?

I got to this thread through your latest on recovery...but I don't know if you are there yet. Have you told your wife?

In response to this thread...

The initial reaction is the hard part right? In my case my H told me in Feb. I never thought of leaving him then...I did after repeated contact after DD1. The past struggles we had been through together did count for a LOT. Together we had been through deaths in the family, miscarriages, health problems and just plain life (16 years of it).

You say it is over that is a plus in your situation. I assumed it was over when he told me. It wasn't completely...he wasn't all the way out of the fog.

As for remorse...that took time. Time for him to be completely aware of what I was going through and what he had done. It took awhile for me to trust his remorse. To realize that he was here 100%. This is just a current realization on my part and I think we are both finally at the recovery phase. And he has not had an easy ride. He has had to face many things and deal with the ups and downs of my reaction.

I wish you strength. I will follow your journey.

It's going to be rough. Personally, I would have LOVED for my H to come to me, even after the fact instead of me having to discover it on my own. However, it's difficult no matter what. Yes, true remorse and honesty is the best way to began any rebuilding. And yes...it does count...altho, you may not notice this in the beginning.

How to tell her? I haven't a clue. There is no "good time" to bring up this subject. There is no "perfect setting" where it will make it easier. You just have to take your heart in your hand and do it.

You and your W have had a very tough time in your marriage. There were many issues that "got in the way" of the two of you joining in joy instead of having to join to go into "battle" with your SD's issues.

Most marriages do survive affairs. That's a fact! Even those whose spouse's are not the "forgiving" type. But...it ain't easy! Get ready for the hardest time your marriage has ever faced. Whatever problems you and your W had with dealing with your SD will pale.

Tips: Be honest until it hurts. Repeat details that your W needs to know...but do so in a kindly manner. (ie. Yes, we were at "x" hotel. Not..."we broke the bed".) When she asks questions, take time to THINK about your answers. Even ask her for time to reflect so that you can be sure to give her a completely honest answer. H and I tried writing things in the beginning, this allowed me to ask those questions which I wanted answers to in a clear manner and him time to think about them before answering...plus...he didn't have to look into my pain-filled eyes when telling me. It allowed me to "listen" (reading) to the answer over and over again if needed instead of mishearing through my pain when he spoke. It also allows for a lot of editting before the finish product. The writing allowed us to go into many face to face discussions on a much easier level.

Allow her free access into what has been up until now your private life. Hide NOTHING. On the computer...all passwords and email accounts. Cell phone...password into voice mail account. ect. Account for where you are, when you are, what you did, what you are doing. Let her "run her fingers" through whatever she needs to see. Prove to her that you are open and willing to share whatever she needs to feel secure.

She's about to take a very large hit on her own self-esteem. Make sure that you show her LOTS of attention. Do the little things, a touch when walking by, a kiss when leaving and coming home, sitting on the couch watching TV TOGETHER instead of sitting in different chairs. Do the LITTLE things that mean so much. Allow her to once again see herself through your eyes...and make sure that what she sees is a valuable person, one you love.

Good Luck!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but doesn't the Bible take about REPEATED infidelity? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me say this - hoping to avoid the Biblical discussion you don't want to have -

You CAN NOT force your beliefs on your wife. My H has mentioned forgiveness to me on more than one occasion. Do you realize how hypocritical that sounds coming from someone who just broke one of the 10 commandments, Thou shalt not commit adultery?!?!? Believe me a self-righteous attitude DOES NOT settle well with the offended party. You've already committed your sin, and if she wants to commit the sin of unforgiveness, then it is not up to you to stop her. She'll be much more accepting of you if you acknowledge her pain and help her through this than try to preach her to a higher plane of Christianity!!

If I choose to never forgive my H, that is not his sin, it is mine. However, I tolerated his sin, felt the pain of his sin, and somehow I feel like the "pain" he might feel from my unforgiveness could never touch the pain and misery HIS SIN put me through. (and yes, I'm trying to totally forgive him, but it takes a mighty strong Christian to immediately forgive the offense of adultery. That's why the Bible speaks so against it. Your offense causes her to commit a sin that she should not have ever had to commit!!)

Froz, I'm a BS and here are my feelings on this:

To the BS out there. Initial shock and initial reaction aside, wouldn't admission w/o being caught, complete remorse and hanging in there during excessively tough times count for much?
I found out myself, my H was a coward in that department however, let me ask you this.... Someone breaks into your home, steals the most valuable things you have, kills your favorite pet, then gets caught. That aside, he has complete remorse for killing the pet, and wants to pay you back for stealing your valuables and wants to help you through your excessively tough time because of his actions, would that count for much to you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> You can't unring a bell. I'm not trying to be nasty, just giving you my spin on your comment. That someone breaking into my home was the OW, whom my H allowed, the killing was my trust, they both killed it, it my marriage and with people in general,then they got caught. Yes, he's been remorseful and repentant, yes he has been a model H since, yes he's hung in there thru my excessively tough times, but does it hurt any less ABSOLUTELY NOT! And its over 2 years and there is not one day that goes by that I still don't think about it. Now, in fairness to him and you also, YES it does help the healing process, (NOT IN THE VERY BEGINNING) however the anger and pain are still there and they come out at the most inopportune times. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Can't help it. I wish my H had the courage that you do. I admire you for that. However, be prepared for the nightmare of your life. There is no worse pain then betrayal. The pain is worse then when my mother died. But on the bright side, it does get better with time. But it takes a lot of patience on your part and a lot of time.
If you have a strong foundation and a good relationship to start with its kind of like this:
you fall off a ladder, tear you Achilles tendon and have to have surgery. You come out of recovery in a GREAT DEAL OF PAIN, you get pain meds but they don't help it just hurts, then it starts to heal. It gets better and better, but every so often it throbs again. BUT its still improving. Now years later, you look at the scar. Its a big nasty scar, however, it doesn't hurt anymore you just have the scar left. Once in a while you look at it and remember the pain but for the most part, its gone. Thats how, in my opinion you heal from infidelity. Terrible pain, improvement, healing, and the scar. It never goes away and you will always remember but its not as painful anymore.
I wish you luck in your recovery and my prayers go out to you. Good luck, and GOD BLESS