Toolbox, First of all, I must commend you for breaking it off with the OW. Im still not sure if my husband has really broken it off. What I dont't understand is how and why your wife and the OW both ended up together to set you up. Were you lying to both of them? You say they are still talking. Do you know why this is? Im just trying to get a clear picture of the situation. Hope you don't mind my inquiring mind. Where is your home, and why are you so far away if you want to make this marriage work? Is it to give her time to calm down? I'm asking because I'm in a similar situation. My husband says he loves me, but all he's done is send cards, flowers, and jewelry. On the one hand I'd love for him to really prove his love for me by comming home. On the other hand, I know I'd eat him alive if he tried. This is so confusing to me. I love him, yet the thought of seeing him makes me sick to my stomach. Why did you have this affair? Was it the first or have there been others? MY husband had multiple affairs that lasted a long time. This is his 2nd marriage, and my first. he admitted he cheated on his first wife, so maybe he's just a loser, and I can't see it. I thought I was meeting all his emotional needs. I was there for him in every way, or so I thought. I thought I was special enough to be the one to last a lifetime. Maybe you can help me understand why he did this to me. Any man out there who might know this answer would be greatly appreciated. I'm so hurt and confused right now. I'm beginning to think all men are programed to cheat. Thank you for listening. Briana

Hi toolbox I'm glad our posts were helpfull to you.<BR>The first step is done. Now the hard work starts <BR>Keep trying to reconect, and don't discourage if your wife seems angry. Remember anger is better than indiference.<BR>I'm glad that you answer her within the time she gave you, and that you are willing to go trough all this rebuilding process.<BR>Please keep in mind that there will be highs and lows, don't let youself be sidetracked by this. Keep you goal in mind, show your wife consistent effort and understand that she has a lot to let out. She's hurt and she needs to see the right attitude from you.<BR>It is not possible for her now to understand the trouble you were having to end the affair, that will take a long time. And honestly sometimes I wonder if we will ever understand completely although I do think I can get the idea now ( but only now, almost one year after his affair ended )<BR>Please keep communication open, and try to answer all her questions. If you have trouble with any, explain to her why. If you're lucky she'll understand and keep that question for later.- sorry couldn't stop myself from adding this one -.<BR>Toolbox, I think yo're doing fine. Keep in this direction, and chances are you'll be able to rebuild.<BR>Keep us posted<P>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

KAT1<BR>thanks. 1 problem came up as i was ready to fax her a 4 page letter in resposne to her request. my atty called ( i had filed for div inJune, then put everything on hold) the aty told me he recd a call from atty who wife retained. i freaked out and didnt send the letter. i have a meeting with counselor tomorrow and ill see what he says. my wife called and said she made a simple request (a truth letter) and i failed a simple test (which she said she knew i would) and that was my last chance. she hung up, then called back, then i hung up and she paged me and we talked for over an hour, it wasx one of the most gut wrenching hours of my life, but again one of the most rewarding. not ony was it good to hear her voice, but she did a lot of venting to me which was good for her and me both. i told her that i thougt my 4 page letter to her wohich was between her, God and me, would be shared between, her and her atty. i feel we made a lot of progress, i asked her if i could tell her i loved her and shew said yes, so i did. needless to say it was a good hour talk, a start...im going to just keep doing what im doing. i told her i wanted to come and see her, but she said no, i asked her to dinner, she said no. i told her i posted here, so i dont know if she wil respond and/or reply. thanks for your advice. how r things going for you guys? thanks for your prayers and help.

Briana<BR>i didnt want to leave you hanging. i have toget some work done, so il be back later to give you my thoughts and advice...since you asked

TO BRIANA<BR>I promised to come back and give you my advice for what its worth. first, i tried tobreak it off but couldnt, i was addicted both emotionally and sexually. your H needs to do some soul searching and find out this first and admit that he has a problem. its commonly referred to as accepting responsibility for your actions. my wife had to know what was going on by my actions, i was acting very suspicious at times. she somehow traced my e mails to the OW, and then when ifinally sent the OW a goodby letter, the OW paged me and i returned the call, (my mistake). my wife and I had a big argument that same morning with her Dad invoolved whjich humiliated the hell out of me, soi was very angry and mad about that, so when i called the OW and she asked why i wrote the letter and what happened, i told her and she was very sympathetic and talked as though she wanted me to come back to her, after the fight with the W it sounded good, my W i guess called her or e mailed her and they came up with a plan that worked. Im happy now they did what they did, because it ended what i couldnt, (the affair) our home is in las vegas, but i have a bus assoc in pa. my W and i talked last night and i think resolved quite a bit, since we had not really spoken in 3 weeks. my W said that if i was serious, i would be in las vegas. i told her i had to do some growing and get my life straighted out first before i could be any goodto her, and i didnt think she wanted me to be around considering all i put her and her family through. at the end of our conversation last night she said she guessed me not being there was a good idea, she feeld like youdo upset to talk to me and really doesnt want to see me just yet. i had the affair because my emotional and sexual needs were not being me and i had a past behavorial cycle in affairs, this is my 3rd and final marriage ( ihave faith this will work for us) anyway, the thrill and feeling good about yourself was great. if one of you has a problem, then there is a problem. i just kept running from my problems. im glad it ended when it did, no telling where this would of gone. He is probably unaware of that hes doing this to you, no dont get mad at me for sayijng that but i would venture hes not aware of the hurt he's causing you, sure hes dnoe this in the past so he's showing a pattern. He first needs to admit he has a problem,seek professional help alone and with you. i would bet your H has a lot of hurt from the past that has never been resolved and he's looking for ways to heal that but he's looking in the wrong place and needs some serious help. by sending you gifts he's just going thru the routine and trying to justify what he's doing to you. i hope Briana what i have said help you some. the male ego and pride keeps us from admitting were wrong, and/or have a problem. If he's serious, tellhim totake the first step and seek professional help and then tell him you want to do couples counseling. why wont he come home? i would be ona plane tonight if my W called and said come home, well work this out. there must be a reason he wont come home? is he seeing another W? how far away is he from you? and do you talk onthe phone? does he let you know where he is? i hope i didnt get to carried away here, but you asked me so i gave you my dime's worth...i'll pray for you guys