I have no idea what I am doing anymore. I need to spill it and I found this website and read some things and I can't take it anymore. This is going to be very long but please keep reading. I need input (and lots of therapy). We do have a counseling session (the 1st one) on November 12 but I can't wait that long. I guess I should give everyone some background information first. I am 33 years old, my husband is 35. We have been together since I was 15 and he was 16. I don't know if that was a good thing or a not so good thing. I never dated anyone else, probably because he wouldn't let me. I remember trying to break up with him numerous times but every time he wouldn't leave me alone. He followed me everywhere, drove past my house thousands of times, etc. My parents couldn't stand him and my mom was always asking me to go out with other people. I don't know if I just kept going back to him because he just wore me down or what. I can't even remember anymore. He was also (still is but not so much, I think he learned how to contain it) very jealous of anybody of the opposite sex talking to me. In my senior year my parents sent out of the state to visit my sister who I never knew. I was out there a month and he never stopped calling me, everyday, 2-3 times, sending me stuff. When I came home and my parents picked me up from the airport he was waiting for me outside my house. I don't know if that is/was part of our problems or not. Anyway, years go on to 1994 and I marry him. We had our first child in November, 95. At that time, the house we were living in was for sale. We ended up selling it when my daughter was a couple of months old. Our new house wasn't finished yet so we had to move in with his parents. Big mistake. I love his parents but his mother drives me crazy. She did back then and still does. She can be sooo sweet but don't let her do anything for you or let her give anything to you because she will never let you forget it. His mother was babysitting our child. One of the conditions of me having a child was that if I couldn't stay at home and I had to work, either my parents or his parents would watch the baby. I just could not let a stranger watch them. Since we were already living there I didn't have to take the baby anywhere I would just leave for work. I worked at a construction supply company. Lots of men. Never looked at any of them like "that". No interest at all. That spring of 96 the company hires this new salesman. His wife also had a baby in November 95. He was very nice, funny, we talked everyday, about anything, he was so easy to talk to and I felt like I knew him forever. Nothing happened for maybe the first month (I really can't remember how long it was). One day he is out of town on a site and he needs something brought up to him. There are three other people in the office but I go. I didn't have to beg to go but maybe I didn't give anyone else a chance to volunteer. So I go, it's about an hour drive. in the process my car gets a flat, i have to hitch a ride to where he is, he has to leave get me back to my car, he looks at tire and takes it to a gas station down the street so that they could fix that and put my spare on. While this is being done we are waiting outside. Next thing I know, I am kissing him or he is kissing me. I really don't know who did what first and it probably doesn't matter. But there we were. It was unbelievable. Instead of pulling ourselves together and forgetting that it ever happened we kept doing it everytime we had a chance. Not that this makes it any better but we never had sex. My husband found out about it, I didn't come out and tell him, I was trying to protect the other guy to, I guess he was picking up on signels I was sending, actually his father was the one that picked up on it and told him that something was definetly going on. He came in to my office, threatend the manager that he would charge him with sexually harrasment if this guy didn't get fired. The other guy wasn't there at the time that this happend so I called him on his cell phone and warned him. He ended up quitting and told his wife what happened. He lives about an hour away from us. Anyway, we end up filing for a divorce, we had the court date and everything. At the same time, everyone is convinced that I am suffering from Post Partum Depression and that is why I did what I did. So my husband decides that he better haul building that new house (he is a residential contractor) for us so that we can get out of his parent's house. We moved in and it wasn't long after that is when we filed for the divorce. I moved back in with my parents and then the ppd thing came up. My husband now says that he was so busy concentrating on my well being that he did not notice what his mother was doing. But I did and my mother did. While I was living with my parents I was not "allowed" to see my daughter unsupervised. No court order nothing. I am not sure exactly who decided to order this, my husband or his mother, but probably his mother. My mother would have to go get my daughter and bring her over and I couldn't have her overnight either. Just a few hours. Again, my husband was over there with or without the baby, everyday. I knew that his mother was going in the direction of having me declared an unfit mother so that they could get custody of my daughter, she always wanted a daughter but had two boys instead. But I could not stand to be without my baby. Looking back at it now, I feel like I should have risked the court fight and just kept going with the divorce but I didn't and less than a week later I moved back in. We did go to a couple of counseling sessions which did help for awhile but it didn't seem to last too long. Before I go further, Oh Yeah there is more, I just it to be known that my husband is great. He is. He does try to support me no matter what, he doesn't sit in the bars, basically gives me his check every week, loves his kids, etc. I don't have any contact with the other guy at all. In spring of 97 I find a new job, and later that summer I find out I am pregnant again. I have that baby in april 98. I am now working in a professional enviroment. There are 7 secretaries here. There is a guy at this office. He is the ex-marine, funny, perverted, this guy could be the poster child for sexual harrasment in the work place because if any one of us was out to get someone this guy would be it. But most of the time we teased him as much as he teased us. Long story short, one day we end up together, well actually it was twice. My husband never finds out about that one. My husband, his father and his brother own their own construction company. His mother handles the office part of the business. My husbands whole family are big hunters. He did get me involved and I do love it it was something that we could do together. We have gone on trips a number of times. Went to Vegas, seen a couple Nascar races, stuff that we love to do. We went on a cruise back in 00 and even then, I knew that it meant something more to my husband than to me. He was looking at it as another honeymoon. I was looking at it as getting away from the kids for a week. I know this is going to sound mean but I would have been even better if he didn't go with me. From september 25 to December 1 he is gone every weekend. Hunting one thing or another, which has always been ok with me. I would never ask him to stop doing something that he has been doing and loves since he could walk. But yet he never asks if it is ok to go which I would prefer that he would go because I can't imagine the amount of grumbling that would be taking place knowing that he could be hunting but he is not. Now he also goes to Mexico once a year which again I say it is ok because someone we know there owns a house and all he has to do is pay for his flight and that is it and he gets to ocean fish for a week. It is a great opportunity. But I really don't do anything, go anywhere, I don't have any friends other than the girls I work with. The few times that I wanted to go out with the girls I hear nothing but complaints. Plus I don't want to subject the kids to having him yell at them all night since I am not there. Back in 01 I started thinking about that salesman (I'll call him #1) anyway I think I had also thought about him every now and then. Wondering how he was doing, did he get divorced, did he and his wife work it out. I called him. He called me back. Said that he thinks about me to and was wondering what was going on. We talked by phone a few times. He found a job in his home town which again is about an hour away from me. I guess every couple of weeks he makes a delivery up in my town. One day he called me from my area. I told him he should stop by. I guess I never thought he would but he did. I couldn't believe it. I hadn't seen him in what? 4 years? We went into one of the conference rooms and we talked I showed him the pictures of my kids, etc. As we were getting ready to leave the room, he kissed me. I kissed him back. Right now, as of today, I have seen him about 5 times. I saw him twice while my husband was in Mexico and a couple of weekends that he was hunting. We haven't had sex but first, what is the difference and second we might as well have. I don't know what I am doing anymore. My husband does not deserve any of this and I certainly do not deserve the husband that I have. He is too good for me and to me to do this to. if I got into the things me and #1 talk about I could be typing for ever. I do feel that if I didn't have the kids I would have left a long time ago. Last sunday, my husband got the hint that something is definetly wrong. The house is trashed, I can't keep up with it anymore, when he does come home he doesn't do anything. I know he busts his butt everyday and somedays he can't walk by the time he gets home, but there are two kids and a million other things that need to be done. I might as well be living by myself. I don't have enough time to get into the discussion of his mother, family, business, etc., but I don't know what to do anymore. I feel numb. I don't care about anything anymore. The only thing I care about are the kids. I don't care about the business, I don't care about what he did that day, some days I can't stand his voice, I just want him to leave me alone. We started talking about things on 10/27, he always comes home to take the kids trick or treating. I mean this is what confuses me. He would drop everything for the kids, he would die for them, he would die for me, he worships the ground I walk on, never complains about anything I buy or how much money I spend (which I don't buy anything) but yet I keep doing this. He doesn't know about me seeing #1 again. I think if he did he would do definetly injure someone and it wouldn't be me. He said that he would sell every gone and never go hunting or fishing again if it meant keeping his family. I know he means it but I would never ask him to do that, he loves that. Every now and then he does throw that affair in my face even though he tries really really hard not to. But he does admit that is one of the reasons why he doesn't want me to go out with the girls because I would get nothing but hit on all night. Then I say well since you don't trust me you automatically think that I will do something. I don't know in what capacity I love him anymore and that breaks my heart. He is so good and I don't want to hurt him or my children. While we were talking he says that he will not give me a separation. Its we stick together or we get a divorce. There is no in between. He can't sit around wondering if this is the night that I don't come home and that this is the day that I ask for a divorce. He loves me but he wants me to be happy. I don't know what that means anymore. What will make me happy? I don't even know. He keeps asking me if there is someone else, of course, I said no. I don't want to admit it, I don't want him to know who it is, that its the same guy from the first time. My husband has always thought that he is superior to other men, well most men anyway, and I know that he thinks that #1 is at the bottom of the pile. He says that he won't give me a separation so that I can date again if that is what I want to do. Again? Again? I asked when did I date the first time? He said that he would not give me a separation so that I can be single again. Again? Again? When was I single. I haven't been on a date since I was 15 and I only had one date. Is this part of my problem? Does it really go back that far? Was my mother right? I know where #1 stands. He will never leave his wife because of the kids. I don't know if I am kidding myself or if I really believe that it doesn't matter what #1 does, I want some me time. I know this sounds terrible and I can't stand to think it but at least if we did get a divorce I would have one week to myself. He can figuire out for that week what it is like. I feel like he is on one page and I am on the other. I worry about things and he worries about the total opposite of the things I worry about. We are never worried about the same thing. I don't want to deal with his mother, the business, nothing. I am just sick of it all. I think maybe I do feel like I missed out on something in my life and I don't want my kids to suffer because of it. I just don't know why I keep doing this, why do I keep thinking about #1 all the time, talk to him, even love him, want to be with him, even though I know it will never be quite what I expect it to be. Maybe I want to trade my current problems for a whole new set of problems. Suddenly my husband is doing everything around the house that I have been asking him to do for the last 2 years. Amazingly it is all getting done. Without a fight. Funny how it always, always has to get to this point, where I am down to the lowest point I can go, ready to leave, that he suddenly sees the error of his ways and now everything is going to change. This isn't the first time we have had this discussion, everything we have talked about in the last few days we have talked about a thousand times before but yet he waits til I get to this point. Now I feel like I am at the point of I just don't care anymore. I am so closed to hating him but I don't want to hate him. I mentioned to him the fact that I believed that his mother was trying to get me declared an unfit mother so that she could get custody of my daughter. He couldn't believe that even though he doesn know how his mother is but he says that he was so concentrated on getting me better that he did not notice it. How couldn't he. He asked if I resented him for that and if I was still carrying around that resentment. I guess I do and I am. I just can't believe that he would let that happen. There is so much more than I can even get into. I think that he is to good of a man to keep doing this even though I have no idea why I am doing this and maybe I should get a divorce even though he does not want one and wants to go to counseling and since I haven't told him he really doesn't know why I am leaning towards a divorce even though I know nothing will probably ever come from #1 but why should I stay with my husband when I truly don't deserve him and that he needs to find someone who loves him just as much as he loves me. I sometimes think that I was never in love with him and I right now I can't tell you what that is. I just don't know about anything.

I appreciate anyone reading this and maybe giving another way of looking at this.

Sav, whoa!

Welcome to MB.

You live in a world full of control freaks...(I don't mean your family are freaks--just majorly into control.) I think you are trying to retaliate by having affairs.

It's good that you have read some of the things here--read as much as you can.

Really think about what you are doing. Your husband is good, worships the ground you walk on, has indicated more than strongly he would give up his major love--hunting--in order to help you. Why would you alienate this man further?

He is willing to go to counselling. There are people here who envy you that luxury.

I'm sorry I didn't read right to the end..I tried to read as much as I could.

Your first step is to end it with #1. It will come to NO GOOD. How would you feel if your kids saw the way you behave with him rather than their daddy? How would you feel if your H walked in?

Be true to yourself. You are better than this.

I hope I'm not being harsh but it sounds urgent--there isn't much time before you slip over the edge completely and stop feeling guilty. Honesty is the only safe way to live.

You do have some real challenges but they do not justify having an affair. Please choose the man you married and work on recovery.

It's your decision whether you confess again.

I hope you choose the higher path.

I certainly don't condemn you. I had an affair myself. But life is much better now and I'm "in recovery." Life can get better. I hope it does for you.

Sav,
I concur with First Start's views and suggetsions.
To begin with you should initiate NC with #1 immediately. From what you have stated it seems you are on a "Guilt Trip" and not "Repentance". Somewhere in this site I have learnt "guilt" is wlf supporting where as "Repentance" supports the BS's plight.
You have to come up with the decision whether you wish to Swim or Sink. We are not here to condone or condemn, but only provide our point of view based on our experience.
Like you I too am going through a very stressful time. My PAs ( comprising of TWO ONS) were disclosed to my BS after 28Y of M. You can imagine how much pain my BS is undergoing for no fault of her. I am very repentant and would go all length to bring peace and relief to my BS's pain and suffering.
I am trying my best. Fortuntely for me, I have no continued contacts with OWs ( being ONS out of town). But I have to provide all possible support including answering to my wife with never-ending series of questions that keeps popping up in her mind every morning or night. It is not a comfortable situation. But it is something I have created, so I must face this bravely.
I pray that you overcome your present situation and rebuild your M. Thats what this site is all about. With best wishes.

Thank you Fresh Start for your reply. I don't know what to say. I know that if it weren't for the kids I would have been gone. So what does that say about me our marriage? We don't yell at each other, there is no sreaming match going on so the kids don't hear that but they are, at least my 6 year old, is definetly picking up on the fact that something is wrong. Me & H were talking last night and suddenly the 6yro starts crying and yelling at me that I always make her daddy sad and I am always yelling at him. Which I don't yell at him but I have been making him sad lately. I almost feel like I have no more feeling inside me. I feel numb. I don't know if I want to leave because I have never been "me" or alone or any of that. I don't think, however this may be clouded, that I necessarily want to leave so I can see other people. When he goes to Mexico and he comes back he always asks me if I missed him. HOnestly, I don't. I do care what happens to him and I certainely don't want any harm to come to him but no, I don't miss him. Again this may be me, but when he is gone the whole feeling in the house has changed. Sometimes I feel like when we are together that he is sitting on my chest and I am probably having an anxiety attack. I was on Zoloft during the ppd thing and my sex drive went out the window. And maybe this is a guy thing but I don't care about sex. In order to get him to do something around the house, I either have to do it myself and screw it up so badly that he has to fix it or I have to bribe him with sexual favors. I ask him to do something he says why can't you do it. Now granted in the last week that has changed and now he is doing everything but again it had to get to this point. I guess he responds to threats. But now I just don't feel like it will matter anyway. That to many things have happened, in the past in the present, and that no matter what he does I am afraid that I still won't care anymore. I feel like it is just to late. Been there done that been there again and I don't want to do this anymore. Again, our counseling session is not until the 12th. I don't know what to tell my husband in between now and then. I don't know how I feel about anything.

<small>[ November 01, 2002, 10:42 AM: Message edited by: Sav ]</small>

SAV,

I was in your shoes some time ago. It's probably hard for you to believe right now, but all of these things can turn around and you can find happiness again. the answer doesn't lie with another Man, it is inside of you.

You probably aren't going to want to hear what I have to say, but I hope you read and that it stirs something in you.

First of all, YOU ARE DEPRESSED! You need to consider seeing someone to get yourself on MEDS.

You are detached from your feelings because they are too painful for you to deal with right now and that is why you are feeling numb. Your thoughts about the OM is a FANTASY! It's the one thing in your life that is undemanding of you. This is why your thoughts turn there when you are under extreme stres. You believe that he makes you feel special and wanted, but it isn't real. You said yourself that he'd never leave his wife!! This should tell you something!

I recommend that you pick up Melody Beatty's book "CO-Dependant No More" and start reading it. I think that you may identify with some of the things that she has written in there.

I can share my own story with you if you're interested, and I did read your entire post. I'm here to listen and share my lessons with you.

Please consider giving OM up before you can't turn back!

First...you've got a lot of issues that are all yours. You need some individual counseling to help you see your options and help guide you to discover what you want out of life. Marriage counseling may also be of help to both of you...once you've discovered if you want to stay married.

Second...stop seeing MM#1. This is only going to confuse you more, interfer with your self-discovery. His presence is "mudding the waters" and will only increase the pressure you are under. As fast as he showed up...he's a player and you're going to get badly hurt...and in the process hurt your family.

Third...confusion is why so often we BS call the state of mind that the WS suffers from the infamous "fog". It's hard to see where you are going when all the confusion "fogs" up the path you are taking. Clear the confusion...then make a rational decision on where you want your life to lead.

Fourth...if you're worried about custody in the event of a divorce...do NOT do anything which can lead your spouse to claim that you are unfit. An affair is a perfect excuse in a court of law.

Fifth...please put paragraphs in your posts...makes it much easier to read! Thanx! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I don't know if your marriage should survive, but it sounds as if your H is a good man, doesn't mean he's the right man for you...but you can make that decision in the RIGHT way. With kindness, empathy, and caring. You don't have to "wound" him before you leave. And an affair is a cruel and unnecessarily harsh way to decide you want out. jmho

I know I need to go to counseling and that I have to break it off with #1. I just read citydweller's entry. His wife just told him she slept with 3 men. While I was reading it and the responses I could only think about my H. After reading many of the other discussions I know I should tell him but I can't bring myself up to it. He has often told me that there is not way that he could take another affair.

Even though I did this, to admit it to him, I could not stand to see the pain and hurt on his face.

So do I figuire out what I want first and go to counseling myself or do I go right to the marriage counselor and ignore the fact that I am seeing #1 again or even tell him that I desire to see him again. I have no idea what it would take to make me happy. How do I even go about finding that out? Sometimes I think that I stay because it is safe, comfortable, predictable.

As far as meds are concerned, right now I am taking Zyban to quite smoking, picked one heck of a time to do that, but I believe that is a anti-depressant anyway.

I can't remember if the counselor will eventually see us one by one or if he only sees us together. Maybe I should call over there and find out. How would or could I even tell my husband about this? Much less deal with everybody else knowing.

SAV,

ZYBAN and Wellbutrin are the same drug. If you can get Wellbutrin perscribed to you instead of Zyban, I believe it would be covered under most maedical plans. Yes, you're right, it is an anti-depressant.

I think that you are overwhelmed and you are trying to solve EVERYTHING all at once. I recommend going to MC with your husband, but also seek out an indepent counselor for yourself. I can guarantee you that OM is just a "fix" and it will slow your healing down!

In order to find out what it will take to make you happy, you need to be willing to FEEL again! This is a very scary thing and I was so terrified to FEEL again that I considered suicide rather than to have to deal with it. I destroyed my family, hurt my friends, and lost my self respect before I could heal. You have choices that can lead you down this path, or you can give him up and turn to your husband with your pain. If he loves you as much as I gather he does, he will be there for you to lean on.

While I am a firm believer that the BS should know...I'm not going to tell you to go to him and confess. That is up to you. You do need individual counseling either first or at the same time as MC. Usually MC will also involve some one on one counseling but each counselor has their own way of doing it. Research your area for counseling that seems to be aimed at helping you. Interview the counselor somewhat, find out what their POV is and what type of issues they most deal with. Not all counselors are even. For IC find one who you are comfortable with and can be completely open and honest with. For MC, you both need to feel comfortable and be willing to really work on whatever issues you have as a couple.

You can NOT find someone to make you happy. Your H can't do it, and neither can anyone else. Happiness comes from within. Discover yourself, learn what you need to make yourself happy.

Yes, the meds you are taking are used also for depression under the name of Wellbutrin (sp). It should help with depression along with your attempt to stop smoking. But you may need to talk to your doctor and see if the dosage is correct for you.

Rather you confess or not...stop the betrayal. You may not have become involved in an PA, but the EA is just as damaging to the marriage and to you. It is just not worth the pain and sorrow it will bring into your life and the lives of your children and spouse.

Good Luck!