I appreciate those of you that are supportive, but am still feeling a bit attacked.

Thanks. Have a great night!

<small>[ November 01, 2002, 06:39 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

Just thought I would send a [[]] <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I am sorry your having such a hard time. Hang in there.

Honey,

I am sorry that things didn't go well last night, and that you are hurting.

Hugs--

Kathi

Honey,
I'm a very stubborn person as well...one of the things I learned through the bad times is to try to do is to use my strong-will for positive things. Y'know, be too stubborn to fall into negativity and lovebusters when dealing with my H.

I found thinking of it that way did help me focus on better ways of communication and not simply rage or worse, play martyr, which I did fall into for awhile. Soaking up sympathy felt pretty good, better than constructive advice sometimes.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I don't know if I fall into the understanding group for you or the arguing one, but my intent is to support you, even if you don't like my advice.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Honey}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

<small>[ November 01, 2002, 06:38 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

I just want to say that I am sorry that you are hurting. Self-inflicted pain can be the worse kind.

I feel like a broken record but please get yourself some help, you have more serious issues than a failing marriage, and I am not saying that to be mean or hurt you. Just as he must first admit to himself his problems, you must admit to yourself the extent of your problems and get help for them. You really do deserve more than "crumbs." He throws you a crumb so he can kick you when you reach down to pick it up. Like I told you earlier, he will keep treating you this way as long as you ALLOW it. Only you can stop it. My opinion is that you can love him til the day that you die (and it's okay), but being around him may never be healthy for you. Only time will tell about that.

That said, I am sorry you are hurting. Spend this weekend concentrating on you and your kids. Have a good weekend.

<small>[ November 01, 2002, 06:37 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

I actually think becontent is caring and trying to be helpful....

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Why do your resent this post?

<small>[ November 01, 2002, 06:37 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

Well, I didn't know you were keeping score...but, please show me some grace. I personally am not starting anything.

I feel that becontent was merely trying to point out that selfinflicted pain is setting yourself/ourselves up to be hurt over and over.

You mention that each time you see your husband you are sad and hurtful things are said.

I think the whole point was ONLY to GUARD yourself from that pain. Don't put yourself in the position to be hurt.

Why do you have to get SO DEFENSIVE??

<small>[ November 01, 2002, 06:37 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

Honey

This is truly sad. People cannot even be courteous and caring now without an ugliness showing through. You do need to pull yourself together. Your typing shows you to be very irrational. Read it again...really look at it Honey. Do you see the ramblings? Do you see the haphazard typing? I can see the venom spewing in your post. You are not a Happy person and you know where your unhappiness lies.

You salve your pain by diverting the attention to others by your comments such as... however get yourself some help ... I see that your sig. line says NO AFFAIRS??/ .... Exactly why are you here- to study people who recover from affairs? .

These comments are all diversion tactics to take the attention away from the real issue...which is YOU. I really don't think that it's working because for some reason these people at MB still want to help you. Stop slapping their hands away.

The Childishness is getting old also, ... YOU KNOW VERY WELL.. from the post the other day, I don't want to hear this +_)+_)()*) OKEY DOKEY? You need to reach a maturity level that allows you to be a Parent. Be a PARENT Honey.

You do not have to bother to let me know that you do not welcome my responses. I already know because I feel like my initial post to you was the one that triggered you. All I can add and adding it with Christian kindness is.... Get Some Help.

Always,
committed

P.S. You were getting support...everyone that posted was giving you their support. I guess you want to decide what TYPE of support it is? You could not have found posts that were any more caring and supportive unless you had wrote them to yourself.

<small>[ November 01, 2002, 06:20 PM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

<small>[ November 01, 2002, 06:36 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

I ask for a certain kind of support

You are right Honey....you want a certain kind of support and when it is not forthcoming you get defensiveness.

I will therefore be leaving you alone to find your own way out of your unhappiness and despair.

Follow the Light Honey.

committed

To those who posted their support to Honey...

I apologize for any dispuption to the thread. I humbly beg pardon.

committed

<small>[ November 01, 2002, 06:48 PM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

I am just stumbling in here, never having read any of your posts Honey, and now they are all deleted, but maybe I can offer some useful advice....here's something to try....an MB vacation. A few days away from posting, and reflecting on things by yourself is sometimes the best thing possible.

Posting here can be addictive when you hear what you want to, and it can be very painful when you hear things you don't want to, but if you know you're not in a state where you can take some comments and leave others, then you just need to take some time away. I've been there! Try it!

(((((Honey)))))

Take care of yourself,

Jen

You know Honey, if you look at it calmly a lot of the suggestions are actually ones that can put your marriage back on the right path, a healthy path.

Right now you say h is a drinker and from all your accounts he seems like he's hard pressed to keep a job or have any true stability in his life.

From everything you write it's very easy to get the impression that you want him back in your life so he can be the man of the house and provide you with stability. Be the guy who used to take care of you.

Two negatives cannot make a positive no matter how much praying or hoping one does. He cannot be the man right now, he cannot provide you with stability and it may be your dependent personality which is making him leery of letting you back into his life fully. Deep down inside he may know that he is a mess and unable to give you what you desire. It also may anger him and make him resent you.

That is why seeking help for yourself, getting yourself emotionally/mentally healthy again may be exactly what your marriage needs to survive. It may have to take your letting go(NOT DIVORCE)of holding him so tightly and the win at all costs mentality to make him feel safe with you.

He cannot support you right now. He just can't and simply being nice to him and allowing him free access to you is not going to bring him back. He still views you as volitile, irrational and emotion driven. He's said as much himself. He might come visit but he probably will be afraid to live with you as husband and wife.

If this relationship is to have a chance to reconcile you must become the rock. You have to become the stability and you have to do so from a non-dependent, non-emotion driven place. You're not there right now and doing it on your own is going to be nearly impossible. There's no shame in it, so many of us get turned inside out by this. You know that, you read these boards enough.

It's clear that your entire identity is threatened by the specter of not having him in your life. You need to find out why and how to change it. Not just for you, but for your children and for your reconcilliation attempt.

When people tell you to get help there's many good reasons for it. Maybe one you haven't realized yet is that you becoming healthy yourself may just be what drives your h to come back fully and rebuild your marriage.

I just wanted to add that committedandlovingit and Nduli2 - I think you two are very knowledgable and I would look forward to any advice that you would love to give me... I have just loved your responses and I really think they are right on the money - I don't really like to give advice because I just don't know what I am doing in this situation - I make mistakes everyday - but I am divorced now - I do still love my husband - but - and I repeat but - my children became the top priority.. And you know my husband losing his mind - contributed - but I still find it hard everyday - missing him -wanting him - but definately knowing that he doesn't deserve me - and someday I will be happy again.. But I really love reading your posts because even if Honey doesn't want to hear them - I truly believe you two and so many other people are right on the money - so I would gladly welcome any response you ever want to give me.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Honey -so sorry that you took a post where I tried to tell you I was sorry you were hurting and responded in your typical way. I really felt sorry for you because NO one was posting to you. Your childishness is ridiculous, and I am going to be blunt, is not good marriage material. Every, and I mean every, time you have not liked the advice, you have attacked the advice giver with a statement about themselves. So childish.

I am here (and I certainly don't have to justify it) because:

1. Every marriage can be improved on.
2. I have boys that I would like to help getting started on the right foot in a relationship/marriage.
3. I like learning and growing.

I probably have one of the best husband's around. Would I like to change and improve some things? YES. I have a good marriage, not a perfect marriage.

One more thing, you can throw the Plan A suggestion out all you want. Plan A is not an indefinite plan. Read the materials. How long have you been separated - two years?

Well enough said, I am going to join Pepperband's band and declare you beyond what I can help.

Pepperband, can I join your band? I've beat this head against the wall til it hurts.

MAW, I really admire you putting your kids before yourself (as it should be). However, I know it is hard to do.

I wish you the best.

I'm one of the moderators for GQII.

MarriageBuilders is based on respectful, useful discussion.

Posting that you aren't going to post to another member isn't particularly useful.

Attacks, harrassment, insults, either initiated or returned are not acceptable.

Disagreeing is not necessarily an attack.

Let's all remember we're real people with real situations and real emotions.

Now, return to marriagebuilding.