Hmmm, I don’t think I have ever met a BS on MB that told their WS from d-day that they were done with the marriage and wanted a divorce and separation started immediately. Have any of you met any BSs like this? If so, what are their names? I’d like to do a search on them and read their posts (to get some insight into my H).

It just seems that any and all of the BSs on this board are the very forgiving kind, in fact the kind that is working their a$$ off (usually in plan A or plan B) to persuade their WS to return to them.

I suppose I should also try posting this on the Divorced/Divorcing forum, because it’s more likely that I’ll find BSs like that over there.

Let me know if you can think of any BSs like that!

Jen

Hi Jen,
My exH found out about the A after separation, and from that point on has thus far not wanted to work on the marriage . Our divorce was final in August, and DDay was in February 2001. I was with OM until this summer. I had asked ExH to try again with me several times beginning two months after DDay. The answer has always been , "No".

I am still holding out hope that he'll change his mind someday. He says he might, but that I shouldn't think it's going to happen.

I hope that helps.

In a rush here or I'd figure out how to put a 'link' to my first posting, main story. It's called, "The Nightmare I've Created", in this topic area.

Take care,
H_P

PS- It's hard sometimes to see so many forgiving BS's here, but that's the way it goes. I'm sure many do feel as my exH does, they just don't come to a site such as MB.

I think this would be against human nature, unless of course the BS also has decided the marriage is over and has found a love interest of his/her own.

I read of a senario like this on the Other Woman board, where on D-day the WS found out that the BS also had a love interest and the two couples worked things out very cordially.

I suspect they're out there - just not likely to be on this forum. Why would they be here? No reason to be here if they don't want to save the marriage.

That said, seems I have read one BS poster who's WS came here and convinced him to post. I think I remember who they both are, but I'm not sure. If you e-mail me at DCScandals@yahoo.com, I'll share who I think they are - don't want to mention it here as I may be wrong.

Well,,, I'm new here, so I don't have any old posts for you to read. But on our Dday... which was at night.. I told my H to leave and not come back. He did leave the next morning... At that point I had said alot of things, including divorce. I really thought I was going to divorce him...

But he's back now. Maybe it was different for us tho, His A, was more of a ONS, he has no contact with her, doesn't want contact with her.. and made it very clear that he was sorry and wanted to be with me. I did let him come home with the understanding that I would try for the sake of the children, but I wouldn't stay married to him for the sake of the children. Does that make sense? I gave him a second chance because I felt we owed the children to at least try and save our marriage, but if we can't make it work for "us".. then I wouldn't stay together in a loveless marriage. It's been 8 mos. Things are slowly getting better.

Baby Blue

Hi Jen...I still am praying for you and your H.

OK, now for my wise-a## answer: if I were a BS and didn't want to work on my M, why would I be here at MB?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Jen,

I was that kind of BS. I lost all respect when I found out about the affair and wanted to be done with it. I had no interest in him anymore. I made arrangements to sell the house, move, etc. I was done. He begged me to stay and go to counseling with him and I decided to go to counseling a few times just so I could say that I "tried" when I dumped him. Anyway, here I am 2 years later.

I think that probably a high percentage of BS do dump the WS, but we only see the ones who are trying to work it out HERE. If a BS just dumps and moves on they would have no reason to come here and seek help. Thats why it seems that there is a preponderance of BS' who try to save the marriage.

Jen,

Being sort of an oldtimer here, I would say that there has been few if ANY BS's posting here who decided upon finding out about the affair that the marriage is over. There have however, been more than a few WS's over the years posting here, trying to regain what was lost, with BS's that did not want to continue the marriage or relationship.

So, if you are seeking the BS point of view, from someone who has given up and just decided that divorce is the only way, I am afrain you won't get much. However, if you are seeking help advice from people whose spouse has given up on the marriage then you do have a lot of people here that can help.

Some of them are BSs and others WSs. At this point the distinction sort of blurs doesn't it? I mean one of the spouses feels so wounded/neglected/hurt/unloved/etc that they want out of the marriage. I think the cause is less relavent than the goal that one spouse seeks.

So perhaps you can cast your search net a bit wider and get the advice you seek.

By the way, since your H has imposed this 3 month separation, I would suspect he isn't THAT sure he wants a divorce. But, he does have some serious issues based on his rather personal knowledge of what you and his best friend did. I would imagine the images are/were getting to him.

Personally, I think you have done well. I also think that you will get your chance to rebuild this marriage so have your head screwed on straight and tight with regard to what you want out of a marriage to him and why you want to continue such a marriage.

Must go. But hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Indeed, I realize there are likely VERY few posters here on MB that fit the description I gave. The very nature of this site goes against walking away from it and forgetting about forgiving.

I was wondering if there were any people who originally took as hard a stance as my H and then maybe changed their minds....

Hopeful_person: thanks for your post. I am amazed you still want your ExH back though! I will try and find some time this weekend to read over your story...I think I read parts of it before, but it's been awhile.

Relate: Are you trying to say that if my H is or was having an affair too this would be easier to work out???

Riff, you are so right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks for the encouraging remarks JL, and I am screwing my head on straight, and carefully making a list of what I want out of a marriage to my H in order to be willing to stick around.

A few months ago I would have run blindly towards whatever crumbs my H was willing to throw me. Now I know so much more about what I need to make me happy. To an extent, I don't really regret these months apart, because I've learned so much about myself. BUT who knows, this time apart has also seen us grow apart, and who knows if we'll ever cross that chasm....

Jen

Jen,

Just remember you crossed that chasm once before, when you first met. Yes, there is more history good and bad. So the growing apart, if it is coupled with both of you growing( he needs to do some as well that is for sure), might not be as bad as you think.

My suggestion is act with confidence Jen. When the 3 months are up all will not magically come together as you well know, but perhaps the beginnings of a renegotiation can begin, that is why you need to understand what you want, why you did what you did, and where you want the relationship to be. He needs to know that. He doesn't need to be married to a woman that is walking behind him and two steps to the left.

I don't mean get cocky here Jen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I mean that a woman with some confidence and a definite idea of what she wants is something that many men find attractive, if for no other reason they know where they stand and what this woman's needs are.

Your H may decide to chuck it over the wall. It is his choice, just as you had a choice to end the marriage or try and rebuild. So don't be afraid of his choice even if you don't like it. Be afraid if neither of you can talk to each other and explain to each other where you are in your thinking. That is something to worry about.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks again JL, indeed, I will try my hardest to act with confidence. It's one of the traits my H always found attractive about me, he has said so.

One thing I have been told over on the D/D message board is to have no expectations about the convo with my H, that way I won't be disappointed. I am actually trying to wrap my head around that one too. I would like to focus on what I want to say, and forget getting my hopes up or speculating about what he'll have to say.

My biggest fear right now, beyond him saying he just wants a divorce, is if he brings back up the "you have to be friends with C" crap - his female colleague and probably new best friend. He told me he isn't willing to be married to me if I won't a) let him be friends with her, and b) be friends with her myself. I want to avoid even dealing with the issue of her until we have tried to work on things as just the 2 of us, H and W. But if he brings her up right away, and asks if I am willing to be friends with her, I can't lie to him and say yes. I have to be completely honest with him from here on out, for so many reasons. So I am thinking my answer would be to say, "I can't lie to you, right now I don't think I can ever be friends with her. But, other than that, I want to do everything in my power to be a good wife to you and make this marriage work."

Any thoughts on that one?

Jen

Jen,
It sounds to me that your husband is interested in staying with you. Even though you're separated, he set the timeline.

I guess I don't consider it amazing that I still want my exH. We've known each other 29 years, have children, and I love him. We were married almost 17 years when I began the A. This month we would have been married 21 years. Maybe I am hopeless to still want him since he's never made a move in my direction since DDay. If that's the case, I'll have to accept that to be the truth in time. For now, I will wait this out and continue my attempts to show him my caring and remorse. (hard to do when they're not wanted)

It's hard to come to MB at times, and see all the BS's here who want their WS to return and love them again. Mine didn't ever express that at all.

JL talked here about at some point the WS and BS being in more or less the same boat as far as in the case when the other spouse doesn't want to work on it. Thanks, JL- for mentioning that, I'd never thought of it that way in such concrete terms.

God Bless, Jen
H_P

Jen I beleive that BryanP is one BS that fits your search. Why don't you post a thread asking him to answer your question?

hopeful_person, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's hard to come to MB at times, and see all the BS's here who want their WS to return and love them again. Mine didn't ever express that at all. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Indeed, this is why I started this thread. But I guess you and I stick around here because we still love our H's and want to work things out!

TMCM, thanks for the suggestion! I've made a post with BryanP in the subject line. Any insight into a BSs state of mind may help me to better understand my H.

Jen

I guess I somewhat fit the description of the BS in your post. I had NO intention of rebuilding. I had NO desire to have him back. And when I discovered he had actually been involved with an OW, and found him at her home, I knocked on the door, told him and her "I wish you could have been honest with me. It would have been so much easier if you two had not lied."..........and walked away.

Beg him to stay with me? To try again? To make a "choice"? NO. I made the choice to walk away and had NO intention of ever seeing him again except through lawyers. He knew that. He knew how I felt about infidelity. I had always told him "If you EVER cheat on me...I'm gone." 30 years of marriage gone. But in my mind, at that time, he had already made that choice when he was unfaithful.

And yet here we are---4 1/2 years later, still together, still rebuilding,,and FAR better than we were in the past.

Why would a BS that had NO intention of saving her marriage be on MB?

I hadn't discovered MB when I found out about the affair. I didn't find it until 2 months later, 3/1998, when I was still having great difficulty dealing with the hurt and anger. I found MB to help us rebuild the marriage and to help me rid myself of the pain. And at this point, it has been a successful 4 1/2 years!

And, by the way, I am not criticising anybody that asks for another chance, that asks their spouse to make a choice. I'm only stating that, for me, having had no prior knowledge about affairs, (afterall, my H wouldn't do that!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) I strictly REACTED. No prior planning or thoughts. I was totally taken by suprise and did whatever seemed right at the moment.