Is a ONS/no-sex an affair?? Is it a betrayal?

I would consider it a betrayal, not necessarily an affair. This is the situation I am in...

And I am having some trouble finding a community that I "fit" in. It appears most of the people on this board (and most of the boards) are people whose spouses had full-blown affairs.. emotional, physical, with repeated contact. Are there any BSs on this board who are victim of a ONS? Are there any articles or forums for the BS in this situation?

Just curious.. I'm trying to find a "home" forum that I can go to, to learn, contribute, and heal.

Thanks in advance for any and all responses.

BB <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You will probably find you do fit in here. The ONS was probably a kind of warning shot over the bow. Undiscovered or revealed, there's a significant chance it would have led to other As.

The core is what were the conditions in your marriage that led to the ONS?

Well....

What led to it? H and I were both aware that altho we had a great marriage, we were both missing the *excitement* or *high* that comes with a new relationship. We discussed it, and decided to try to put the romance back in our marriage. We spent a romantic night alone, no kids, and had a fantastic time.. went to dinner, stayed up all night talking, laughing, drinking wine, and making love in front of the fireplace, watched the sun come up together. I thought things were great... 10 days later H goes on a business trip, and cheats on me with a co-worker!! Apparently, he REALLY wanted the excitement that comes from a new relationship, and went out to get it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

He immediately felt guilty, knew that wasn;t the answer... came home moody and withdrawn, I tried to find out what was wrong, he wouldn't talk, this started a tug of war.. that literally lasted three years before he confessed. There was a lot of damage done in our marriage (on both sides) as we tumbled down this nasty road. So, there's two levels of betrayal (to me anyways) the ONS, and the 3 yrs of lying. I'm trying to rebuild our marriage, but there was so much damage done when we spent 3 yrs fighting.. me demanding to know what happened? an affair? a ONS? an emotional affair? did he just "fall out of love" w/me? All the time, him insisting I was crazy, I didn't trust him, I was insecure, etc.

Now where do we go from here? I'm completely lost <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Baby Blue

Start reading the web site. Like a lot of people here, you've had and heard much of what I've had and heard. I recall asking my S if she was having an A with just about every person she was, in fact, sleeping with. She said no every time and accused me of being jealous and suspicious.
So it's not unique, sadly, and part of the pathology. I did it myself.

You're in the right place. Start educating yourself, and start talking to your H.

Is a ONS an affair? No. It's a ONS. Is it a betrayal? You bet your life it is! So we definitely agree on this one!

You'll fit in just fine right here. The damage done by the years between the ONS and the confession are going to completely fit with those of us who dealt with any type of affair/ONS/betrayal.

Often it isn't the "sex" of the betrayal that is so difficult to overcome, it's the distance that the lies and the betrayal created between us as partners/spouses. This you've experienced just as we have.

Rebuilding is in some ways damaging. We attempt to rebuild, discover there is still flaws, have to tear down and rebuild again. This does take a toll on the marriage and both partners. There is so much sorrow and anger at the betrayal...the lies, the shadow life.

One of the oddest things is that the WS usually does love their spouse before, during, and after...if they didn't they wouldn't be having/had an affair, they'd be getting a divorce. It's hard for us BSs to accept this fact. But it is the main reason why most betrayals do not end a marriage.

Ask your questions, give your advice. You've found a "home" here.

Chorus and JAW...

Thank you so much for responding! I'm trying really hard to learn to trust again. DH is doing anything and everything to try to make up for it. It's just so sad that he's doing it now, when I always needed it. And now I'm afraid, what if this is just "honeymoon" time? What if he gets me to trust him again, then backs off and does it again? Is he working so hard because now I *am* a challenge? because now he fears he could lose me? Is it real or is it memorex?

I guess that should be a question to the people on this board who were the betrayers... do you really love your spouse and want to work it out? And if you do,, then how/why would you have cheated in the first place?? And how are we , the bs, supposed to know what to believe??

This is the scariest thing I've ever been through, wanting so much to trust him, and yet terrified to trust him. Does that make any sense at all?? Sometimes, I think I may have lost my mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />