O.K. My spouse left the house on Monday. He stated he loved me, but just couldn't stay here. I heard nothing from him until I phoned him on Wednesday to see if he was coming home to talk to me. He agreed. We talked and he said he felt there was no hope. He didn't want to really try anymore. In the back of his mind things would just go back to the way things were before. I made him tell the kids. It was heart-wretching. Everyone sitting around the table which is normally full of laughter and conversation, yet now in tears. He held my hand. He told me he loved me. I had to let him go. Before he left to take his daughters back to their mother's he hugged me and told me he loved me and kissed me. About two hours later he returned and asked to sleep here. I agreed to let him. The following morning I asked him why he had returned and he said that he was tired. I told him that I couldn't have him here anymore if it was just out of convenience. I wanted him to be here and I loved him very much but if he has made the choice to end the relationship then it would be best if he not come around and ask to stay just because he has no where else to go. He shook his head in understanding. I again stressed my love for him and my desire to save our marriage but told him I couldn't live with mixed signals. He picked up his things and cupped it all in one hand and then reached for me and gave me a hug and told me that he loved me again.

He hasn't come home since. I saw him briefly later yesterday morning when I took him some money from his paycheck that he allowed me to cash and briefly last evening during trick-or-treating.

Do you believe that he's confused or has he made up his mind? What is the typical reaction here? A little info....there is/was an emotional affair going on with a younger woman who is also married and has a child. I found out about it and emailed/called her. He got upset with me saying I was controlling his life and then left.

So, what do you all think. Hope or no hope?

There is always hope. Sometimes false hope, but in your case, it seems to be real. He is confused! He's hurting and he's hurting you. At the least he is still talking, that's a plus. Give him some time and some space and keep those love deposits going.

You've intruded into his hidden life before things got completely out of hand. Believe it or not, this gives him some extra breathing room in which to make some decisions. Everything is out in the open now. Don't push! Being "needy" is a sure way of pushing someone away as they began to feel overwhelmed by your need, when their own needs are in a state of confusion.

Hang in there, but keep your boundaries. You don't have to throw your values out the door, but be sure to try and give him a safe environment when with you.

Good Luck!

I truly feel that there is hope, but I'm also scared that there is not. The distance that he's placing between us is a scary thing. I'm afraid it will backfire. I've read the things on this site and I've read several books including Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Dobson. I believe that everywhere I read it shows you to let the spouse go and stay strong and leave them be and they will soon come back. That's what I am trying to do, but how the heck do I continue when I want to call him or email him so badly?!

I'm in counselling and I just contacted the pastor of the church that I use to attend. I'm going back. He's thinking of contacting DH, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. There is a man at church that my husband use to be very very close with years ago, I spoke with his wife today and they had been praying for us without even knowing anything was going on. Hopefully, God will bring my husband and him together and the Lord will begin to work on him. I pray for my husband and the restoration of our marriage. I'm trying to trust not only in the love my husband speaks to me, but in the fact that GOD can take that love and make it grow again.

I pray others will read this and respond and give me something else to cling to.

Thank you for your response.

It sounds like he is confused. If you want him, I would Plan A him. I think you still have a chance.

After D-Day, my WS also moved out. But, I did my Plan A and said things like "I will always be your friend". I listened a lot more than I had in the past and let him talk about all his feelings and concerns.

When he left I told him that I loved him and that I would always be here as his friend. When he came back a few days later, I welcomed him like an old friend had come to visit. I gave him my complete attention as we talked on the couch. He stayed and we started to rebuild our relationship.

I've read plan A and B. I'm not sure that I follow everything clearly. I think I've done skipped over A and went to B. Or maybe I've gone through A without even realizing it. At any rate, I have told him that I would always be here for him. I've told him that I love him and I want to make this work, but I can't force him to stay. I've told him that I was going to give him time and not contact him and that if he ever needed to talk, I would be here.

Is that Plan B? Am I doing it? What happens if he doesn't contact me? I've not contacted him and don't plan to even though it's going to be SOO hard. What happens if he does contact me? Do I talk at all about our relationship or just be his friend and try to start over again?! I'm so afraid right now.

Please help calm my fears.

ferbie,

There is no plan B w/o plan A !!!. You are not doing plan B ... you could contact H again. Plan B should be after plan A and followed by plan B letter.

Now, you should take a breather. Don't contact H for a few days, you need it to re-energized yourself. Read plan A, doormat ... by Zorweb.

If H does call, don't talk R at all unless H brought it up.brought it up. Question for you ... how is your M before d-day ?. What are H's complain about you in M ?. If you have to compete w/ OW ... what do you have to do ?. Do you know this OW ? ... send an annom. letter w/ copy of H's email to OW to OW'H. If H talk about R ... does the same thing again ... Told H that you still love him but you can't take his action and disrespect of M & you. You still beleive if both of you try , you could have a better M than this.

Is there any hope ? ... who knows but you have to expose his A to OW'H !. Let A be exposed in the day light. There are more likely that OW'H doesn't know.

-rh-

H feels that I control him and that I'm untrusting and jealous of everything. I have issues from my previous marriage and I admit to be questioning much of the time. I personally do not know the OW, but have spoken to her. She sounded scared and swore that nothing physically had happened or ever was going to happen. She said she'd do anything, stop the emails, phone calls, etc. I told her if she didn't I would contact her H, however, I doubt I will. H looked at my email to OW as being controlling. He stated that I should have just let him handle it. His life is going to be alone with or without this OW if he leaves our marriage completely. I really don't see her leaving her marraige the way she sounded. He's been staying at his sisters. I believe that. I saw, however, that he's been visiting porn sites while there. That's disturbing to me, but he's not out on the town searching out for women and he's not with OW, that I feel safe in. I've read plan A. To me, I felt it stated that we were to try to negotiate with spouse to leave the A and come home, etc. and that plan B was to have no contact with H. Well, I'm not having any contact with H and it's harder than I expected. I do want to call him, but know that I shouldn't. I do believe he's hurting.

As far as my marriage before D-day? I thought it was going great. I was starting to deal more and more with my inner issues, we were always extremely loving, hugging and kissing a lot. Even the evening it all happened we were holding hands in the car, telling each other we loved each other, winking and joking around. Then it just mushroomed like a huge black cloud over us. The following night is when I found the emails and it's went on downhill from there. I had no clue whatsoever. DH was loving. Always saying he loved me when hanging up the phone. Always saying he loved me when we would part or go to sleep. Always coming up to me just for a quick kiss throughout the day. It's sad, you know.

It's been nearly 36 hours without talking to him. It's hard. We've never had a night a part before he left on Monday. Never!

Any other advise on how to work out these plans would be greatly appreciated. I guess my mind is so full of thoughts and worry that I'm having a hard time reading to comprehend.

Thank you for your replies.

Ferbie,

Your H is displaying the standard WS signs. Right now he is in guilt. See one can not sleep in 2 beds at the same. Having and EA/PA whether it is by visiting porn sites, ONS, having an A with a particular OP or multiple OPs are all causing them to lead separate lives.

Ask him this (later on of course), ask him if he would tolerate his type of conduct if you did it or anyone else? More than likely he would be highly offended. MOst WS' are, yet they try very hard to justify themselves.

Now you can use this type of logic in other areas.....it is very very easy for the WS to pass judgement on others. In fact that is what they do best at this time. You can't really fight it, just remind him that when he tries to deflect his guilt by putting the blame or attention on other's faults, he has 3 fingers of blame point back right at him. Go ahead, let him try to do it without some repercussion coming back to him... Can't be done. That is a fact of life.

However, you don't have to be the one who bears the brunt of showing all this to him. He has to realize it himself but every so often you will have an opportunity. So learn about plan A , plan B and tough love. Be strategic, you have been forced into a war that may result in the recovery of your M or a D. That is not the end of your life. But it may very well be the downfall of his. If so, that is his choice.

You know, it is possible to get him and the OW to fight. You dont have to put yourself in the middle of them. That piece will come later.

Right now, you have to let him deal with his guilt. He may feel sooo worthless that he will do even more foolish things. Let him know that continuing the pain is not healthy nor safe for either of you. Do this without talking about his problem. Just let him know that being healthy and safe is important to you. You are concerned about all family members. Be a bit general. It is like you are helping an injured animal who can't communicate and snaps back. You are not sure if he will rip you to shreads or allow you to help him. So for now, err on the side of caution. Let him know you are there but don't inundate him with love and kindness, it tends to make them feel more guilty.

At least that is my opinion.

take care,
L.

ferbie,

This is my 2 ¢. Take this time to heal yourself. Read as much MB as you can, specially on How A should end, it is a must reading and you have to follow it to the dotted lines. Second, please send an annom. email to OW'H or annom. letter to OW'H. I doesn't need to be you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Forget about what H said ... H just try to extend his A. He can't handle A what do you think he could handle OW.

He is in his guilt trip and nothing you could do ... when he is ready he will call you. However when WH calls, don't roll a red carpet to him and w/ open arm. Tell him what you feel about the whole thing w/ no LB and one requirement to come back home is WH has to follow MB's principal to end A and to follow MB principal to implement 4 rules of recovery. Please hold your self and get ready for that time, it might come and it might not be. However judging from OW is M, she is not ready to take H ... so why would you. Please safe your self for more heartache down the road by sticking up for your M. WH is a cake eater and will always be if you allow it. WH has to earn it to be H.

-rh-