I just confessed to my W I had an A a few years ago. As expected she is devestated. I just keep telling her I want to go to MC, IC, anything, I want to work things out, she's just saying, F*&^ you, you s***, you can tell the kids, as expected.

What can I say now that will make her realize I am serious, or do I just have to wait through the shock period. Or does it sound like I have no chance?

Please help!

obviously I don't know your W, but you did the right thing to tell her. My H didn't tell me he was having A until I found out from doc. The pain your wife is feeling is immense and confusing. She will lash out at you and feel justified in doing it. The day I found out about my H's A, I told him not to come home because I was so out of control. If your wife loves you, she will start to calm down and seriously question what she wants to do. I think many BS's have all thought they'd kick their WS to the curb, but when it happens to you it is much more confusing. Just because your A was several years ago, it doesn't change the hurt. When you are faced with such agonizing pain, your instinct is to get the source away from you. You cannot underestimate the agony your BS is in. You have rocked her world in a way she never expected and it calls everything she's ever known into question. Sadly, I know from experience. Just give her time.

Froz,

You don't really have to say much at the moment. The pain is great for her now. It will take time. Give her space and yet, be there for her.
I agree with what swtbonbon wrote.

I don't know your wife either but as a BS I would say she too will calm down. Everybody reacts differently. I was very calm when I found out about my H affair. He didn't tell me, I found out on my own.
I was so under shock at the beginning, I was numb. My anger came much later, but it came.

I have read a few times that when the BS reacts with anger at first, it is healthier than if it comes later. From my situation I can say, this is very true. I had to deal with depression first (this is anger kept inside) until I was able to let it out.

I found a few interesting things while I was reading: After the Affair.
You came into my mind. I will just share abit and I hope that this will give you abit comfort and reassurance that what you did was right.

ADVANTAGES OF TELLING:
1. Telling the truth is usually better than having your partner stumble on it.
2. Telling may increase your chances f staying faithful.
3.Telling may waken your partner to need to address what's upsetting you before it's too late.
4. Telling reestablishes the primacy of the relationship with your partner.

#1 If you end the affair and reveal it, your honesty may earn you a modicum of trust-certainly more than if you're caught in a lie. When your partner has to deal with a double deception-the afffair and the cover up-recovery becomes twice as hard.

#2 By telling the truth you're more likely to confront its meaning and avoid repeat performance. Without this kind of bold self-examination, you may dismiss the affair too lightly and maintain the fiction that everything is fine and back on track.

#3 Revealing your secret may sound an alarm that you're unhappy, and give your partner a chance to address your grievances.
Sometimes it takes a confession for your partner to hear your cry for help. Divulging your secret may hurt, but it may also be an act of kindness that your partner will come to appreciate if the alternative is to lose you, or to drift though life with someone who is only half there.

#4 When only you and your lover know the truth, you create a conspiracy of silence between you, even when the affair is over. By telling your partner, you align yourself more closely togethe, and give your relationship the primacy it deserves.
Knowledge is power, and when you share your secret, you give your partner both. Your confession says, in effect, "I don't have the right to control critical information about our relationship that I know would matter to you greatly.
I don't have the right to decide what's best for you. You should be able to decide whether to stay with me, knowing everything I know, with equal access to the truth." By revealing your secret, you put the two of you back on an equal footing and allow yourselves to reconnect in an authentic way.

When you divulge your secret, you allow your partner to know you. You also allow yourself to experience your partner's acceptance of you. Without this acceptance, you may never feel as close to your partner as you did to your lover.

Froz,
I know this is a very hard time for you right now. Don't make any life changing decisions at the moment. This is not the right time. You are both experiencing a very emotional time, right now.
Have patience, it will cool down.
Listen to what you W has to say. If she is raging, leave her space. If she is crying, give her a shoulder to lean on.
Let her decide right now, what she needs to get over the high state of pain she is now in.

Stay calm and don't get angry for what she might be saying. The pain is really overwhelming.
It does get better.

If you need someone to talk to, keep coming here.
I honestly admire the step you have made and even if you don't think so right now, you can be prowd of yourself.

take care
bb

I can't even begin to tell you how much patience you'll need for many months, even years ahead. You don't say how old the kids are, but the 2 of you shouldn't even consider telling them right now, if ever. It's one thing to tell them you're having problems, but details aren't necessarily their business. I just feel that kids don't need the burden, besides, if you do end up working things out, they may resent you for what you did, and an A in the family can have serious long term affects on the kids and their future relationships.

Your W is heartbroken! For me this has been worse than the sudden death of my mother (she was 45), and the drawn out cancer death of my father put together! To find out that the person you trusted most in the world betrayed you in such a way, is beyond words. For your W to know that she didn't matter enough to you for you to not cheat is beyond devastating! Did she suspect? If not, it's going to be even more difficult, since you were so good at lying and keeping secrets that she didn't know anything was up. She'll be wondering how she could possibly trust you again, and frightened because there aren't any signs to watch for in the future.

The important thing is to be there, and to give her time. She shouldn't make any decisions about your marriage for awhile (it's been 4 months since d-day for me, and I still have days when I think I can't do this!)

For you, if she won't go to counciling, go alone for now. And visit your local bookstore, or Amazon.com for some essential reading material - Surviving an Affair, and His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley for starters. Leave the books around while you're reading them, maybe she'll pick them up. If she won't talk to you right now, let her see you reading them. Actions speak louder than words! Be there and be understanding if she wants to talk. Let her know where you are, ALWAYS! Be accountable for your time, call from work to see how she is. Be sympathetic to her pain, and extremely remorseful for causing it!!!!! Answer her questions, there may be plenty. Be honest and open, but tactful. If she decides to try to work things out, don't ever treat her like she should just get over it, she may never fully recover.

Good luck

I sat down and told her the legnths I would go to work things out. She doesn't belive me it's understandable... I will intitiate counsleing throuhg my Church, I have already told her and some Chruch friends we know.

When she gets angry or starts throwing things I just bow my head and say nothing.

Thank you all for being there!

Froz,

how are you feeling yourself???? I mean do you sorta feel released now that it is out????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When she gets angry or starts throwing things I just bow my head and say nothing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">when she gets angry is one thing but I believe when she begins to get violent is another.
Her anger is acceptible, yes, but if she tends to get violent you might consider to remove yourself from the situation until she cools down.

I don't know if this would work for her but when I once had gotten to that point, my H held me very tightly. Not in a violent way but very loving. He didn't let me go. I almost went crazy and I then had a break-down. He held me throughout the whole time and didn't let me go.
I cryed and cryed until I was exhoisted and he was still there. Then he put me to bed and was there to comfort me. This really helped.
But if it doesn't fit to your moment situation you might consider to leave the house and go for a ride. Take you mobile phone with you just to be availablel.
Leave her a notice to what you are doing and that she can reach you on the phone, just in case. (this is very important!!!!)

If you find it difficult to talk and express yourself, try to write her your feelings until things cool down.

For your own sake you might consider to write your feelings in a diary. This will help alot to see the changes. When you read this weeks later, you will see the difference.

Your wife is not going to believe very much what you say right now. She is in deep pain but when she has gotten over the first stage of her shock, she will be able to see things abit clearer. She will then start to ask herself questions and she will then begin to evaluate the situation differently.

You have so many good aspects that are speaking for you. Think about that.

You have ended the affair on your own
You want your marriage to work
You are being open and honest
You are showing remorse
You want to go to counceling
You love your wife
You have chose to admit and stand up for the mistake you have made
You are not in the fog nor are you going through withdrawel, your thoughts are clear and you know you want to be with your wife and your family

These are all very positive aspects and they will make your situation much easier than what others have experienced. I'm not saying that your situation is not as bad as others, no indeed not. I can imagine the pain and aganizing feelings you are now going through.
Just hold on and it will eventually get better.

take care and we'll help you get through this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

bb

Ok, now she says she can never consider my putting my hands on her again and she can't have a marriage that way! Is this normal?

I'm hanging on well, God is giving me strength and humility.

Froz,

I consider this as completely normal, yes. I told my H terrible things, but this happened weeks after d-d. . I wish I hadn't.

Just be there for her, she will probably be telling you terrible things right now. This is the pain and her helplessness.
It takes so much time to even imagine that this has happened and it will take even more time to understand that what happened cannot be changed.
No one can change what has happened.
You can change things by changing yourself and you have already made the first step.

Just try to be her friend at the moment, there is nothing else you can do right now.

take care
bb

<small>[ November 02, 2002, 12:37 PM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

Froz,

Completely normal. Devastating, completely rocks your entire world but completely normal so far. Have you ever read "After the Affair" by Janis Spring? It describes so accurately the thoughts and feelings of all parties to the affair,,the BS, the WS and the OP. Until I read that book, I was sure I was totally losing it. It was such a comfort to read that as painful and confusing as my feelings were,,they WERE NORMAL.

Froz, she's going to going to rant and rave with comments and phrases that you had no idea were even in her vocabulary. I did. Let her get it out. Answer her questions honestly, even if you think it's gong to hurt her more. She needs the truth. She already knows the worst thing possible. The rest is just details. Explain but DO NOT try to justify, because, after reading this site, you know there is NO justification.

It's going to be hard Froz. But you are doing the right thing. And hopefully, as it begins to sink in, and she is able to form a clear thought, she will realize how much you want this marriage to work. I wish you luck,,,and keep coming back and posting...

Just to let you understand...your W is feeling emotions she's never felt before. She is INCAPABLE of dealing with them, controling them, or even understanding them. She'll jump from one emotional state to another in the blink of an eye. Uncontrollable crying...bam...rage!

Right now, all you can do is what you've been doing, being honest...painful so, being available emotionally and physically. Give her as much space as she needs, don't crowd, but don't become unavailable or let your emotions of defense make it difficult to empathize with her pain.

Remember...most marriages don't end because of an affair. That's on your side. Once she starts to get her feet under her again, she'll start seeing some of the options which she isn't capable of seeing now. The more honest and open you are...the more likely she will see that you and the marriage is the one she wants to take.

The one most important tip I can give to the WS is to be honest. There is going to be questions which your W will want answered. The sooner she feels she is getting the truth...the better. Make sure that you take time to give her an honest answer. Since this affair happened a few years ago, you may have trouble remembering some of the smaller details which she may wish to know, tell her that you will search your memory for whatever she needs and you will be as honest as possible. This open honesty is the beginning of rebuilding the trust that you have lost. It's a very important beginning. Don't blow it! If you do, even if your W and you stay together...the healing time will be much longer.

Be sure to be KIND with your honesty. ie...we were at "x" hotel...NOT...we broke the bed.

Your W, if/when she chooses to attempt rebuilding will need an access to your life as she has never needed before. She NEEDS this. She needs you to prove that you can be trusted...trust is no longer a gift...it must be earned. This can often make you feel as if you've lost control of your life, that she's watching every little thing you do, that she's snooping...and you're not doing anything. Well...she is! But this is an EN of hers that is connected to her sense of security. Love can't grow and flourish in a state of fear. You must make her environment within the marriage a safe one.

Good Luck...give her time.

Without getting into the details, our marriage has had etenuating circumstances. My wife had a very difficult relationship with her D, my SD. The effects are of the magnitude of the A.

We're 36 hours into DD (I confessed) and she jst says she doesn't have it in her to work at this. She's discouraged, depressed, despaired. She hasn't been able to sleep I'm right next to her talking if she can't sleep....

At this point we've talking a lot, there are a lot of things I can (and will do). I need to get SAA, etc. But I think to get this to work I just need to do everything. Is that reasonable? I'm going to try to do it. I'm hoping she'll soften over time.

She's also very adiment that she will NEVER let me touch her again! Because of this (lack of touch) our M will never work, again normal, right? She'll begin to cope?

She also says she can enver go to Church and liten to the Paster talk about A again. It ill hurt too much.

She I just step back and say nothing during this stage or should I try to reassure her I love her and want this to work?

Froz,

glad to hear from you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I just wanted to tell you what is on my mind right now.
You want your marriage to work? right?
You want to be happy and you want to be honest and open? right?
You have decided this and you have made the first steps. Right?
Your wife now knows.

36 hours after d-d is a terrible time. For BS and for WS it's like a dream. Rather say, it's like a night mare.
We have just found out about something terrible. Something that we never imagined would happen and it won't go away. We realize that it wasn't just a bad dream, it is reality.
The pain is immense, true.
But I would like to tell you, you have still made the right decision.

It is now up to your wife to decide (give her time) what she really wants.

I have learned since d-d that I too have made mistakes. I took this "wake up" call as an opputunity to make changes on myself and grow.
It is true that no one deserves to be betrayed and an affair is bluntly "WRONG", yes. It shows that you have made a bad choice and that you have to make changes too. But you have realized this and you are taking responsibility and showing changes.

If your wife decides to stay in the marriage, she too will have to realize that there are deep reasons for your unhappiness. You will both have to learn to communicate in a better manner.
Read all you can about Emotional Needs, this is the key to a happy marriage as I believe and I have learned.

Just a question. You mentioned that you've been talking alot. Is this the first time since a long time that you have been talking????
If so, I believe that this alone is very positive. Keep up with this.
Your wife is very confused right now and deeply hurt.

Give her reasssurance and yes tell her that you love her. Show her remorse and if you feel like crying, do that. Just don't get clingy. Be around for her and then back off abit. I hope that makes sence to you.

Your wife will be saying many things, she will be threatening you and then she might have a break down. She'll be crying and then she might turn around and rage at you. She might tell you that she hates you and that she wants a divorce. The next minute she might tell you that she loves you and now this. She might even tell you that she will never get over this, never.
Then she might start to ask questions, she'll be devasted how you could of done this and she never noticed. Slowly but surely she will start to have flash-backs. She might even tell you, that she thought that something was wrong and now she sees it. She's going to feel like a fool.
Reassure her that she wasn't the fool. Reassure her that lying to her was terrible for you and that you felt like a wimp and that you just couldn't keep this lie to yourself any longer.

Tell her that you love her so much and she deserves to know what you did. Let her know that you couldn't stand being unhonest any longer because you feel that your marriage and she deserves the best.
Let her know that your affair was a sign of your weakness and that you know that it is your wife that you love, no one other. She is the woman that you want to share your life with. No OW can give you what your wife does. Let her know how special and unique she is.

Sorry for babbling, I just hope that I can help you abit.

You sound very strong and very confident. How are you feeling?????

take care (big pat on the back for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

bb

Are these normal reactions.

- there is no way this M could ever work now, I'll see this everytime I look in your face

- this is the ultimate betryal, I NEVER thought you would do this

- I always said I never would accept this... I'm staying true to myslef

All I do is say, take it to God, I confessed because that is what he wanted and I was obedient. Just try and do the same, whatever that may be...

My feelings? Truth be told, I am pretty strong and am doing everything so she can just sit there, we talk then goes back to a catatonic look.

I am a believer and God was pressing me very hard to reveal this and let him take control of this M. It has been a tough road but I want to keep walking it.

My W is very proud and I am concerned she will make a decision based on pride, in which case I'm doomed.

My heart says relax, my head says panic city... No sure we're I stand, how does it sound to you?

Actually, I think I'm cooked, I think she will leave...

BlondBlossom,

I'm really beginning to feel making this admission was the second worst thing I ever could have done to my kids in my life... I should've confessed this in about 10 years when my youngest was 18...

Froz-

Don’t beat yourself up too much, ok. I’m glad that you came to MB, its nice to hear from “the other side” once in a while (lol). You will find the most beautiful people in the world here and will support you as you struggle to rebuild your M (regardless if you are the BS or WS).

You did the right thing by telling your W about the A. If my WW would have told me, it still would hurt, but would have meant so much more, would have shown me that she really did care and love me. Instead, I had to snoop around, install spy-software, ask relatives, confront her numerous times (and listen to her lies and denials) and finally having OM’s W walk down the street and tell me her H confessed to the whole thing. That’s not the way to find out, believe me.

Having the A was indeed a very selfish act, but confessing it to your W, well, that was done out of love and compassion. I am proud of ya, hang in there, it may get worse, but in the end, it will get better.

Froz,

Don't be so hard on yourself. Do you really think it would be better if you would of waited 10 years????? You'd have much more of a mess in 10 years from now. Have trust in yourself.
I will tell you my opinion. The fact that you have confessed and you are ready for what might come might show your kids something very important for their further life. I just think it is important to consider the age of the children and to keep them out of this as much as possible. They don't need to know scrawling details.
If you can find a way to get through to your wife and talk to her about this, try to. Children do feel when something is wrong, yes indeed, but it is a matter of letting them know that you will always be there for them and your wife too, no matter what.

My H told our children shortly after d-d what had happened. Of course this cleared up things right away, but I believe just the fact that someone comes clean and admits when he does something wrong is a sign of strength and it does deserve respect.
It would of been much easier to keep this for yourself and never tell anyone, but no one would of been able to know you from a weak side.
You are admitting that you have made a failure and that you will take what it needs to make things work.

Of course many reactions to your situation will be: A marriage will never survive an affair, but Froz, we here in MB are living exapmles and not fantasy.

But I know from my own experience that if both learn to make changes and except that each of us make mistakes and are weak at times, the marriage can become better than ever.
I will never acccept another affair to happen, very true. The pain was just so bad. But knowing what we now know has strengthed our relationship and has made it stronger than ever. No 3rd person will ever find a "leak" to step in again.

But I'm not sure if this will help you, it is my opinion and my point of view. I don't know your wife and yet I still see alot of hope and I think very positive for your future.

You said that she is very prowd and that she might make a decision based on pride. This is something that can be very positive. Difficult for you to understand, right???
Well I will again try to explain. Since you have confessed and you are willing to do everything, you have given your wife power.
What will come, will be "her "decision" not yours. She has the choice. You will read many stories that are the other way around. The WS cannot decide and just doesn't know what to do. The BS goes through $ell!!!!
The BS walks around on egg shells until the WS decides to end the affair. Most BS go through states of extreme panic and not knowing what the WS really wants. The WS will not open up nor will he be honest. This is agony.

Since you have decided to confess, she has power. She feels safe to decide. Give her time to "let it all out".

No one can say what will happen. But I think it is time for you now to listen to your heart. Calm down. No one told you that this was going to be easy and it sure isn't.

I just wanted to ask a few questions: What was it that got you attracted to one another???
What made your wife feel good about you???
Could you describe your wife abit just so that I can get more of a picture about your situation??
You said she was married before? or am I misunderstanding? Why did she get divorced??
Sorry for the questions, it just makes it abit easier.

I hope you are ok, don't give up. It's going to be hard but you're gonna make it one way or another. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care
bb

<small>[ November 03, 2002, 09:52 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

the details will have to waint until tomorrow, she just threw me out so I feel like I must leave... I'll be back (here at least)

I am sorry froz , i hope everything work out allright with you and your wife , i know what she must feel ,but i guess there are different reactions to the A , hang in there