Froz,
my thoughts are with you. You might want to look at the following.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3901_honesty.html

You might even consider to print it out and just put it somewhere where you wife will find it. Just a thought, you know your situation better.

I have posted in Recovery, so that others might be able to give you more advise.

Take care of yourself
bb

bump

Froz, I dont' understand why you chose to tell your wife about your affair. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have confessed, but I really don't read anything from what you've posted so far that leads me to believe that you prepared yourself for what could happen as a result of confessing.

Froz, you probably won't like what I have to say right now, so feel free to skip it if you prefer to not hear someone say...."dummy, there's nothing you can do right now". It is not my intention to offend you. It is my intention to say you've set events in motion that are temporarily out of your control. Feel free to "yell back at me" if you'd like. Simply venting our rage and frustrations here is MUCH better than targeting them at our spouse.

You stated that the A happened a couple of years ago. You've apparantly ended it for quite some time, decided that it was wrong, have been "chewing on it" for years, and probably due to guilty feelings decided to help yourself by "coming clean".

I may sound sort of harsh here, but for someone who seems to be claiming to be a Christian, you have no seeming idea of what such a "confession" would do to your wife and marriage. You broke the marriage covenant. So now that the "cat's out of the bag", we will try to help you, and you need to understand that you will like, and not like, some of the things that will be said.

If you and your wife are Christians, then there is a lot of hope for you in the form of help and guidance from God. But that comes a little later. Right now, allow me to smack you over the head with an electronic 2X4. You won't like, probably, what I'm going to say, but since you've already dropped the bomb on your wife whether you like it or not, it's reality.

You have no control. All of your wishes, desires, hopes, etc. don't amount to a hill of beans right now. You've had a couple of years to wrestle with whatever demons you had to wrestle with. Your wife has just been hit with the most devastating bomb that a marriage can be hit with. Her ENTIRE life and belief system just went to the bottom with the Titanic. She trusts no one, including God, right now. She believes NOTHING you say right now. Her flood of emotions will rage and range from suicidal thoughts to murder to hopelessless to despair to hate to fear for the kids to fear of what others will think because she "wasn't good enough" for you, ad nauseum. In short, she is an emotional wreck and it it TOTALLY unreasonable for you to want her to get a "grip" on it and discuss things rationally. She can't. There are only momentary flashes of rationality going through her mind right now. You really have to understand that what you have done is destroy her ENTIRE belief system. A person does not react rationally when everything they have ever believed in is lieing at their feet burned, twisted, mangled, and utterly destroyed.

You need to back off right now and just hold on. You started the rollercoaster ride and the terrifying experience has begun. But, just like on a real rollercoaster, you are not in control and you can't end the ride when you want to. It will go through all the ups, downs, twists, gut wrenching highs and lows, etc. until it reaches the end in it's own good time.

Here's the reality that you need to deal with now. Your wife, as an emotional basket case as she is right now, is in total control of what happens. There are no guarantees that your marriage will survive. She can, and has the biblical right to, end your marriage if she can't find a way to deal with this devastation.

For now, I'd strongly suggest that you refrain from telling any more people about your affair. At this point it is none of their business and the business is no longer about helping you feel better, it is about saving your wife from the emotional hell she finds herself in.

You need to spend a lot of time in prayer seeking God's help for your wife. You need to stand by patiently waiting for her to reach some level of clarity. You need to do nothing in the way of trying to "teach" her or "educate" her right now. Right now all you can do is be there for her, knowing there is little that you can do, just like you might stand by patiently waiting for her to heal from major trauma inflicted on her by a devastating auto accident. She is alive. She is in the Intensive Care Unit, but her recovery for now is out of your hands. She may survive or she might die. Only God has the answers. You are going to have to trust Him, because there really is no one else you can trust at this time.

Froz, this is going to be a nightmare for both of you. Post all you want and need to. We will try to offer what support and advice we can, but right now, just hang on. The turmoil will be greater than anything you can imagine.

Please read as much as you can.

Read "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder
Read "Surviving An Affair, by Harley
Read "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring
Read The Bible daily for help and guidance.

When the time comes, you both need to be in joint Christian counseling to help work through the issues and to learn to obey God's commands even when you might not feel like doing so.

I hope that I have not offended you too terribly. There is hope and there is help, but your key word for now and for months to come is PATIENCE. You will need a ton of it. Resist the urge to add fuel to the fire through lovebusting when she rants and raves at you.

ForeverHers,

I understand what you have said and agree with most of it. We have a very strong Christian community and are using it too it's fullest potential. I must fire back at you for one issue

You stated you don't know why I chose to tell my wife about the affair? As a Christian one must confess their sins to God, and depending on the circumstances, to the offended person.

God requires confession of sins, but a complete confession includes retribution for a commited sin. Retribution for this sin can only come from MW. She has to know to decide what the retribution will be.

I am now, and was, fully aware that I have violated my marriage vows and given my wife a Biblical reason for ending this marriage by confessing. Since I have told her I have stood there head bowed and listened to every word she has said to me, angry, despaired, confused, etc. and I will continue. I have not offered one excuse, and one harsh word to here.

I pray for God's and MW grace...

opps

<small>[ November 04, 2002, 08:05 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

Just a quick update, when I was getting ready to leave, she started talking to me again. We talked about a lot of things... Us, the A, our life, etc.

She is taken this to God and God has given her very clear instructions on what he wants her to do but the decision is still hers.

She has a decision to make, I will abide by whatever her decision is. I am comfortable with this, and it wouldn't really matter if I wasn't anyway.

I will keep you all up to date with any new details.

Thank you all very very much for being here!

Froz,

ForeverHers gave you very good advice. He can express himself much better in words than I.

No matter what, I do understand that you needed to confess and I still believe that this was the right thing to do.
Other than that, I think that Forever said it all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care of yourself and keep us updated
bb

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{FROZ}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Are you my husband?? lol. He did the exact same thing.. confessed 3 yrs after the fact.

I am your wife! I hit him, I threw things... and the things I said! I swore I hated him, more than I had ever hated anyone. I swore we would get divorced, he knew this was the one thing I would not tolerate, I wanted him out!! I couldn't touch him, look at him, I was disgusted, I was angry, and I was unbelievably sad. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I lost 20 lbs in about 2 weeks... I could barely function. I turned into a zombie. My emotions were like a ping pong ball... I never knew which emotions were going to come next. It was the worst time of life, And do you know why? BECAUSE I LOVE MY HUSBAND! And that is why your wife is hurting.. she LOVES you. Give her time, be there for her, hold her, apologize, tell her you love her, promise her you will never do it again... be patient. It will take time.

You know there is one thing my H told me, that has stuck in my head, and he has been true to his word. I told him, that I was not "in love" with him and didn't know if I could EVER be "in love" with him again. He told me, that he was "in love" with me enough for both of us, and remain that way until I was ready to fall in love with him again.... It's been 8 mos, and sometimes I feel like I could fall in love with him again, and sometimes I STILL get mad or sad because of this.. but we will make it. I know that now. But it's a loooong hard road. You've only just begun.

Hang in there, and have faith. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Baby

Edited to add: Telling her was the right thing to do. A marriage based on lies, is not a marriage. Honesty is essential to trust. You did the right thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 04, 2002, 08:47 AM: Message edited by: Baby Blue ]</small>

Froz, I think you may have misunderstood me. I did NOT say that you should not have confessed. What I said was that I don't think you adequately prepared for the conflagration that would ensue when the "bomb" was dropped.

Regardless, it is out in the open now even if the timing was a bit out of kilter. So now the issue is one of damage control, getting though the initial mess, and if your wife is willing, working to build the sort of marriage that honors God and follows Him in obedience.

Since it may take a little while to do what I am contemplating doing, I am going to go off-line for a while. What I am thinking about doing is writing a message to your wife. Since she is taking this mess to God, which is good and the proper thing to do, I think that maybe the thoughts of another betrayed spouse who is also a Christian might give her a little help.

If you think this might help, please print it out after I post it and let her read it if she is willing. I don't have all the answers, but God does. I am now in my sixth month since my wife and I decided to recover our marriage. My situation was a little different from yours in that my wife was deeply into her affair and planning to divorce me this month (November) when I discovered her ongoing 6 year affair. So, please, if you decide to pass on what I write to your wife, let her know that she is not alone, that others have faced the same devastation, and that God is faithful to restore a covenant marriage to His children who choose to walk with Him in obedience, even when doing so seems tough.

God bless. Wait on the Lord's timing. He can use even this mess to build a marriage that "sings" and brings honor to His name.

In the meantime, if you'd like to know a little more about this stranger and his journey and that God IS faithful, let me give you my first two threads to read. God can take "hopeless" and turn it into a real lesson in hope and love.

The End of Marriage and God is Faithful

Miracles happen when you are obedient to God

Froz,

Please come over to "Recovery" and post. You will surely be getting alot more replys and many positive input to your situation.

I truely hope that this is helping you. Even though it was a bad decision that you once made, you are now on the right road and I believe you deserve to have a second chance. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think that ForeverHers is wonderful and I really like his suggestions.

I wish you the best and keep us updated!!!!

bb

Dear Sister in Christ,

Few things in life are more devastating than infidelity. I, too, am what is often referred to as a &#8220;betrayed spouse&#8221;. My wife and I are also Christians. I begin this way to try to let you know that I understand the shock and devastation that you are feeling. I understand the wildly swinging emotions and thoughts that you are feeling. I also want you to know that God is there to help you, and your husband, along every step of the way.

Right now you are probably feeling every emotion known to man or woman. One moment you love your husband and the next you want to throw him out of the house and be rid of him. I&#8217;ve been there with the same thoughts. In fact, at one point I did tell my wife to leave and we separated for a month. Our circumstances were different from yours in that I found out about her affair while it was ongoing and she chose the Other Man over me and our family. Today, six months later, through the grace of God and our commitment to obediently doing what He commands, we are well along the road to recovery of our marriage and are both walking closer with God. My children have seen the devastation of infidelity and have seen the healing power of Christ-like forgiveness and commitment to following God, even in the worst of times. Had we been able to spare them the knowledge, we would have. But even in this God is faithful to use this for good and as a witness to His love and faithfulness and to give them lessons in forgiveness and living for God.

I know that this may be hard to understand at this time, but your husband has given you a great gift in confessing to you. He loves you, recognizes what a terrible sin he has committed against God and you. He has sought forgiveness from God through repenting and confessing his sin to God and is now seeking the same from you. While doing this, he is risking everything because he knows that he loves you and cannot have his sin remain as a wall between you. He is placing his trust and love of God and you into your hands. He knows that you have the right to toss him out and divorce him. It is a huge risk that he is taking, even though it is the right one to take.

Yes, he brought this risk upon himself through his actions. But what becomes of your marriage from this day forward is up to you. One thing that I learned in going through a similar mess is that if I love God then I must be obedient to God. Satan is the one who has attacked your marriage and would like nothing better than to see your marriage destroyed. Since marriage is a covenant between God and you and your husband, nothing would please Satan more than to see you decide to put your marriage &#8220;asunder&#8221;. When we promised &#8220;for better or for worse&#8221; we did not imagine infidelity as one of the possibilities, but it is definitely one of the &#8220;worst&#8221;. The human side of us feels all the betrayal, all the rage, all the hopelessness, and all the fears. But as Christians we also have the indwelling Holy Spirit in us. We have the unlimited resources of God available to us, and God&#8217;s promise to help us with ALL of our needs.

This journey, which I pray you will undertake, will not happen overnight. You will continue to battle your normal human emotions, thoughts, doubts, etc. But now is the time when you can get a little rest and peace in knowing that God is in control and CAN help if you will allow Him to help. God has shown us the example of what loving THROUGH the pain is like. He did it in the person of Jesus Christ. Christ felt all the pain and suffering that you are feeling. He was fully man as well as fully God. He prayed in Gethsemane, as he was feeling the onslaught of all mankind&#8217;s sin, that if it was possible, to let the &#8220;cup&#8221; of his impending crucifixion pass from him. But Jesus also submitted in obedience to God in doing whatever the Father&#8217;s will was because he loved us regardless of our sins and loved and trusted the Father.

There are so many things that I&#8217;d like to share with you that have happened to my wife and I as we have journeyed along the path of recovering our marriage these past 5 months. We&#8217;ve had the ups and downs, the &#8220;two steps forward and one step back&#8221;, etc. I&#8217;ve wrestled with all the fears and doubts that you are undoubtedly feeling right now. If there is one piece of advice that I can give you right now to get you started it would be to make no major decisions right now. See your doctor for an antidepressant to help you level out the highs and lows of your emotions so you can think clearly. If it&#8217;s possible, do not ask your husband to move out of the house but to stay and try to help you deal with all of this. Please consider strongly joint Christian counseling to help you both deal with the issues and to stay committed to following God in obedience to His commands.

There are many sources that can help you. One that I would recommend is a book called &#8220;Torn Asunder&#8221; by Dave Carder. It deals with the mess of infidelity from a Christian perspective. There are many others that I could share with you, but the best source of all is the Bible. God speaks to us there and has the answers to our questions. The key is whether or not we are willing to follow God in obedience. I know that right now you may even be questioning God&#8217;s &#8220;goodness&#8221; for having allowed this to come into your life. I know I did. But it was Satan, not God, who encourages sin and who will try to use this to drive you away from God. From the midst of your pain and anguish, cling to God in the same manner that Job did.

Will you, sister, place your trust in God? I know that trust of any kind may be very difficult for you at this time. All that I want you to know is that you are NOT alone and that, if you want it, you can have a better, more God honoring, marriage than you had before you became aware of this assault on your marriage. As the fire refines gold, so God can use this mess to forge a better and more perfect marriage for you. The fire may be hot, and the mess painful, but what can come out on the other side is a much closer walk with God as the center of your marriage and a greater understanding of each other&#8217;s needs.

God bless you and give you comfort as you deal with each day.

In Christ's love, FH

Do you have children? Perhaps you can discuss with her the terrible affects on the children that this will have. She needs to feel validated in her feelings (rightly so). All you can ask her is that she rethink her stand on leaving. Just to postpone it for even a week at a time. It's best that she not make any hasty decisions right now. If she needs time alone that's understandable, but be there for her when she wants you. Wait..be patient..put it in God's hands. If your wife believes in God, she will know that your M vows mean something.

It's not nice to say now, but would she rather be right or rather save her M. She needs to explore the choices she has. If you show her that you are willing to earn her trust back there may be hope. Don't give up.

If you are both Christians you can get through this will the help of God. Pray constantly. Read Psalm for comfort. Both you and your wife will find help there.

I'd refrain from telling anyone about the A. There is no purpose to that at this point.

It's only been a few days for her. You've had years to get to the point you are (ready to accept the consequences.) She is not where you are. It takes time and she has to go through all the emotions associated with this.

This is such a horrible time. It will get better. I almost went to the ER as I thought I was having a heart attack or stroke. I couldn't eat or sleep. I thought I was going to die.

It is very normal to expect to never allow you to touch her again. If you start working on the marriage you will start small and eventually work your way up.

You can't control the reaction or her decisions but you can try to be calm, do everything you can to save the marriage and let her know that you aren't giving up on her. The last thing she wants to hear is that you will let her go, that you are throwing her away again.

How you doin', Froz?

I was thinking the same!!!!!
Froz how are you???????

bb

BTW ForeverHers: Schnaps war sehr gut, danke!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

HI Folks,

I just want to say THANK YOU for all your help and ideas!! You are an incredible pillar for me to lean on right now.

I haven't been posting, my W is almost catatonic, shes just lies on the couch and doesn't want to talk.

I am cooking, cleaning, working, laundry, shopping, etc. I also have a 1 hour commute each way.

I am going to contact some people from Chruch and see if they will come over and talk to her while everyone is out of the house.

Froz,

I'm happy to hear from you. I was worrying abit. You sound incredibally strong. This is good.

Have you thought of talking to a doctor about your wife. She might need to take some anti'depression med. to help her calm down abit.
The state she is in right now sounds very familiar to me.

She seems to be calming down and now beginning the next stage. She will be asking herself alot of questions.
I think I would try not to get too many people involved right now. She is extrememly hurt and she might just need to get through this on her own, with you of course at her side.
But you know your situation better.

In our situation, it was the other way around. My H was the one laying around and mourning. He went through this for approx. 2 days. I let him be. But in our situation he was the WS and I am the BS.

The situation switched when he was out of the fog and "withdrawel".
This is when I became extremely depressed and I laid around not able to do very much. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to see anyone. I was so full of pain. I just needed my H to be around, otherwise I felt very panicky and scared.
I can just say, it would of helped me immensely if he would of done the things you are doing, he didn't.
He just started doing things like cooking and cleaning up a few weeks ago. He has really made very positive changes.

I don't know if this could help in your situation, but how about going out and getting her a single red rose. Place it in the bedroom on her side of the bed.
You might start to do this and make it a tradition. Sometimes flowers speak more than words. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care
bb

Froz,

Your wife is going to suffer horribly for this. The pain I felt when I found out about my husband's infidelity was worse then the pain I felt from giving birth to still born twins. I just don’t know a nicer way to tell you of the depth of her pain. I too was catatonic and non functional for at least two weeks after discovery. And I’m not telling you this to make you feel badly. I’m telling you it so that you will realize the what your wife if going through. If I’d not been through it I would not have realized the depth of harm done by infidelity.

It’s one thing to loose children who we longed for but never knew. It’s another to loose the very person who we put all of our trust and love in. My husband was the one person who I thought would never hurt me. My one safe refuge in this world. In the weeks right after the discovery I felt as though my husband had died but I could not morn for him. I had to keep my sorrow and pain private. For 6 to 8 months after that I was totally non functional at work. I just sat there every day and stared at my computer screen. And I posted here on MB during the workday. I could have been fired for it. But it was the only way I could make it through the day. This place was my sanctuary.

It sounds like you are doing what you need to do. My counselor told me that the penalty one pays for infidelity is to have to answer their spouse’s questions over and over and over. And they also have to listen to their BS express their anger and hurt over and over until the BS has worked their way through the pain. As my husband told me, he caused the pain and damage to our marriage so it was his responsibility to help me heal. This approach worked very well. We are well in to recovery, now 21 months out from discovery and the end of his affairs.

From what you have said your wife has taken this very badly. She may need medical attention for a depression. Please take her to see a doctor. She should also not be left alone, as her state is not good. Make sure she eats and takes care of herself. She really needs you right now. You will go a long way in showing her that you have repented by helping her through this time in a loving manner.

Froz...

Listen to the others, they've all given good advice. I'm not sure you should send people over to talk to her tho. If she wants to talk to someone, she will call them.

I know this sounds confusing, but she needs YOU right now. I kicked my H out, then was mad he wasn't there for me. When he came home, I hated to look at him, but cried when he wasn't there because I needed him to hold me, but I didn't want him to touch me.. I know this is confusing for you. My poor H didn't have a clue what to do with me. But from my view... my h was my Best Friend... the only person in this world I loved and trusted completely, unconditionally. He was the one I always leaned on, confided in, etc. To be hurt by him... where was I supposed to turn??? It was very confusing for me, I needed him, but he was the one who hurt me, who betrayed me... I have never felt so lost and confused and betrayed in my life. It is truly the worst thing I have ever experienced. I can't even make it make sense to you. You cannot possibly imagine what she's going through. Just Please.. be patient, be there for her, remind you that you love her, that you're sorry, bring her flowers, soup, tea, anything. It will take a while, but she will come around. Pray for patience.... because God knows you're going to need it! Good luck, my prayers are with you.

Baby