Froz, hang in there buddy. It's going to be a rough ride, but commit your marriage to God's direction and seek His help and guidance.

You've been given some very good advice. I know it might not help you a lot right now, but hopefully it will give you some understanding of what your wife is feeling and that those feelings are fairly common following disclosure of an affair. It's not easy, and I'm concerned about your wife and her near catatonic state. While it is common, it is depression, plain and simple. I stongly encourage you get her on antidepressant meds. Have her, when you can, see her Doctor for a prescription. There are many types. Both my wife and I were on Welbutrin. I was on about 6 months and she is still on them (has been for about 2 years). They will smooth out the highs and lows of the depression and allow her to function more clearly. You may also want to get on some if your stress level gets too high.

If you think it might help, I'd be willing to email you a couple of pamphlets that our MC gave us when we began counseling. They really helped us to put our marriage in perspective and to begin the healing process according to God's plan, not ours. If you would like them, let me know your email address and I'll send them to you.

Right now all you can do is what the others have said. Be more patient than you have ever been in your life. Be ready to take any verbal abuse that might come your way. We all react differently, but it is not uncommon that one of the first things you will see is uncontrollable anger from your wife. The anger is justified, but the capability to temper it is often lost among the wildly swinging emotions.

I also do not think it's a good idea at this time for you to invite anyone to talk to her. Right now she probably feels very angry with God and this is not the time for others to try to talk to her about forgiveness or anything else. She needs to work through these initial feelings of being lost and hopeless before she will be willing to listen to anyone. The last thing she wants to hear right now is something like, "it'll be okay if you just forgive him and let God handle everything". While that is true, the time for that sort of thing lies in the future, not right now.

Just be there for her for whatever she needs. Right now, though, she has no idea what she needs. So she may very well want you one minute and the next minute will think she wants you gone forever. Let me caution you about wanting to hold and comfort her. She will want that, but it has to be on her terms. She will swing wildly on this point too. She'll go from "don't touch me" to just wanting to curl up into a ball and be gently held.

I know from what you have posted already that you will do whatever you can for her. The best thing right now is to just do what you can and don't force anything.

If you can, try to get on MB frequently. Post what's happening and you'll find a lot of support to help you both get through this.

God bless and lean on Phil. 4:13

I just wanted to chime in that her reations sound very normal. My dh was pretty out of it after I confessed to him. A few nights he totally blew up and called names I never thought i would ever hear. punched and kicked a few things and disocated a knuckel and toe. It was very hard. He still has a hard time touching me, but he is able to work thru it. Prayers to you and your wife.

Discovery is insane!

I would scream obsenities at DH at the top of my lungs .... then, as he'd start to leave the room, I would beg him to come hold me. I wanted him in the bed, but got mad at him when he was in the bed.

Insane .... and exhausting. I lost about 25 pounds in 2 months.

Keep your mouth shut and your arms open.

Listen without comment as much as possible. Most of her questions will be unanserable in the beginning.

Say to her, "I am so sorry. I'll do whatever it takes to restore our marriage" .... repeat this TEN MILLION TIMES ... or more. Whatever it takes.

Don't lie .... even a little one to protect her feelings ... if she discovers you lied now .... you're cooked!

Take care .... this too shall pass.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Froz,
Everyone has give you excellent advice. You have alot going for you becaue you DID confess and are willing to SHOW with your actions and words that you are willing to work on things.
I can't tell you how many times we went to church and I would have to leave because I was in such a state I was afraid I'd break down and sob uncontrollably. I'd drive around or go to the store and walk around until church was over and go back to pick them up. Even a couple times I sent H to church alone with the kids. None of my kids knew anything either and I wanted to protect them from that too.
Its exhausting to pretend everything is right with your world to the kids and everyone else (I have't told anyone around me except my C and the Dr. at the time.--Of course his whole office knew --I was barely coherent on the phone when I called for an appt--but they are 50 miles away anyway.)
Some have mentioned that your wife probably needs some anti-dpressants...I'd say so too, but it wouldn't hurt for you to ask for them if you feel you need them. You dont have to be on them forever, just to let you help cope for awhile until the "fallout" calms down somewhat.
In another post you asked by BS stay.
[1] Kids. We have a committment to them. It is too selfish to just throw the WS out although I think that is EVERYONE's FIRST reaction. Being a BS(wife)--we also tend to think of the ramifications in terms of kids not having a dad around, financial difficulty, coping with the kids, etc. FRankly I don't think I can raise my kids alone and really don't want to. My H is a good father when he is around. He gives me sanity with them and I need that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
[2] We love our spouses. We have a history with them and although everyone thinks its the end of the world, we have to back off, regroup and take time to really consider what we need to do. This takes time.
[3] Vows and Committment. Even though WS has broken their vows and committment, we haven't and although we would be justified in doing the big D as it states in the Bible, we have to process that within ourselves to know whether it is really in our character/make-up to be a partner in destroying a family. It often tells alot about who you really are.
[4] We realize we are humans too and therefore not perfect either. My initial thoughts on this were, if God could forgive ME, then who am I to say I am not willing to forgive my H for this travesty?

Continue to post and let us know how things are going. Some of us BS don't get the luxury of a FWS who is really ready to work with them and it makes the recovery process a much longer drawn-out process and sometimes we think we are never really going to get into recovery. Don't expect too much too soon. Don't expect alot for at least the first 6-8 months.

Adrift45

Pepper... are you my twin?? It sounds like we responded identically!

Froz.. hang in there. You're getting lots of good advice, please tell us how you are doing and how your wife is doing. We want to help!

{{{{{{{{{{Froz}}}}}}}}}}}} Hugs & Prayers to You!

Baby