Relatively new here, just looking for answers from WS or BS. My story...found out H had EA and PA with long distance co-worker at his office. We have been married 8 years, together 15, High School sweethearts, he my first and only love.
I have NO indication of problems except husband becomes more distant over past year. He works full time and is going to college so I chalk it up to just stress etc. Our sex life never falters. I come home from weekend trip to visit my Sis and whammo! "I love you, but not in love with you" "Don't know what I want" "Think I should move to my mom's". Before he left, I begged for counseling etc. He was cold. He even quit talking to me at all. Next weekend he packed and left. I suspected at this point OW. Why else would he suddenly pick up and leave? Asked WH repeatedly if OW was involved. TOld NO emphatically. Went to my OB-Gyn for STD screening because I didn't believe him. Sure enough, Positive results on one test. (BAS***D)Didn't even have enough respect for me to wear protection. When confronted with evidence, he confessed. One week away and he call begging to come home. I refused. Now its been over a month separated and I don't feel any closer to resolving what I want to do. He claims his EA/PA is over. She lives several states away (if I believe his story)He won't give me her name or phone number. I don't intend to contact her, but I wanted to see if she really doesn't live here. I did consider calling her and letting her hear my DD sobbing uncontrollably every night for her Daddy. I feel like I am on a terrible merry-go-round with my chance at happiness, just out of reach, and always flying past. H comes over crying and telling me he's changed. Will never do it again, he's realized what he has lost. I question his true motivation for returning. If his OW lives out of state, He is recieving no comfort from her physically. COuld this be his motivation? Or maybe tired of living out of suitcases in Mom's house? He is promising me things such as second baby that were once subjects of no discussion for him. I feel manipulated by his crying and promises. Can WH really be telling truth? HELP ME PLEASE. I want to take the slow boat to China. Oh another thing, the counselor I am seeing, has actually said to me ,"Run, Run while you still can". after hearing about this situation and my H's family patterns. This is my first experience with counseling. Is this normal attitude?

Hi Swt,

I have lurked on MB a lot but only posted a few times. I'm two years out from D-day, so I've worked through a lot of "stuff". Yes we are still together and have been married a long time (30+ years).

This time period (right after D-day) is by far the worst in terms of shock and pain. And I won't promise that it will get better quickly. There will be many ups and downs over the next couple of years, but healing CAN occur. Having said that, each situation is different. So much depends on your stage of life, your ability (his and yours) to do what is necessary to rebuild etc.

I question a counselor that would tell you on the first visit to RUN. She is not there to give advice but rather to help you work through your own solutions. My honest feeling is that at this point, you need to sit down with your H and figure out the following:

1. Is he willing to do the hard and long work that it might take to put the marriage back together and help you through the pain? Not just say the words, but walk the talk. That means couples counseling. The point is not to blame and point fingers, but to work together to make the marriage strong. Learn about the others needs, communicate better, get intimacy back, work on getting over your anger, working on issues of trust. it ain't easy.

2. Are you willing to join in with the work? You were hurt badly. You will have to work on forgiveness and some semblance of trust (100% probably won't be possible again, but that's OK). You surely have the right to set up guidelines within which you can operate in order to go back to living together (like NC with OW and his willingness to be honest about who she is. After all, she knows who YOU are). Openness and honesty is critical to healing. He should be willing to do whatever it takes to regain trust. But you also have to be willing to look at HIS needs and how you can meet them.

3, All of the above takes good communication skills. You will probably both have to work on learning those with the help of a counselor. Truly understanding and listening to what the other is saying is not always easy.

4. Find a good Marriage counselor.

It will be a long roller coaster ride but give it time before yout throw away a marriage that might work. Also realize that it might NOT work but at least you know you made the effort. Only you can decide how much time and effort you are willing to give.

Best of luck

SS