H has recently confessed to having a year-long A with a girl he has a strong emotional attachment to.

He says they began as friends and then gradually a physical R developed.

He has previously told the OW the PA is over but that he wanted to remain plaonic friends.
I am not happy with this as I see her as a threat, so now he has told me he will try and stop seeing this OW, as he realises it would be a possible hinderance to us trying to rebuild our M.

How should I make he sure he *really* has told the OW in a way that leaves no doubt in her mind, that he does not wish to see her again? What sort of thing does he need to say to make this clear to her?
I'm not sure I like the idea of him only making a half-hearted effort, and then to have her trying to resume contact with him at a later date.

I feel that for her sake as much as ours she should try and move on.

Should I either witness or be part of the process of H terminating his R with the OW?

And lastly what should I (we) do if she does not take no for an answer, and continues to try and resume contact with H?

Thank you for your advice.

Hi,

There are several ways. In most cases, when the BS tries to control the situation, there tends to be more backlash and the Ws/OP sees it as a controlling problem, not recovery action.

So the burden of proof is from your H to U. He needs to restore his trust to you. Ask him for suggestions as to how he can do this.

Get MC support, read his needs/her needs, take the EN questionnaire and see how much he will allow you to participate in ending contact. Some have written letters together, others have made a joing phone call, a few have even met as a couple with the OP.

That is just the beginning. Ending the A will take as long as the A lasted if not longer. So be prepared for life to still be a bit rough. Taking the EN questionnaire will help if both of you have the right attitude. Where one loses focus, backslide in marital recovery may result.

There is no quick fix.

L.

First...well there is no sure way. Sorry, I'm sure that isn't what you wanted to know...but it's the truth. But, also be assured...if it continues...you will find out. I know...not much comfort in this. At least you will have your eyes open this time around. It's awfully hard for a betrayer to continue to secretly betray if the spouse is aware and is unwilling to overlook any longer those little "red flags".

Talk to your H about how he is going to handle this ending. Find out if he is willing to either do a NC letter (you can find examples here) which you would like to read before sending or if he feels a phone call is a must...can you quietly listen. This is something he MUST be willing to do to show he's recommitting to your marriage and to you. You can push and pull and he might do it, but if it's done in a half-hearted way, you're right it likely won't mean much.

At least one of the ex-affair partners do seem to attempt at some point to re-contact even after the affair is over. It can come from the MM/MW or the OP. If either your H or his xOW re-contact, there is NOTHING you can do to change this fact. You can however choose what you want to do about it.

If xOW contacts H...this is NOT in his power to control. He does have the responsibility of telling you and of responding in an acceptable manner (to both of you). He can attempt to make it difficult; changing phone numbers, blocking her email address, etc. But, if someone is determined to intrude it's d*mn hard to avoid it. Last resort...a RO.

IF your H attempts to re-connect with xOW, then the ball is in your court as to what you can live with and what you will accept in your marriage. Make sure that your H knows where those boundaries are...and then...YOU have to stick to them if he goes outside the line. jmho

Good Luck!

Thank you for that advice. i will try and repare myself before the event and approach it in the right way now