I've written the update on the Recovery board. I finally decided it was time to move over there from here, and what happens? H's porn addiction resurfaces, and brings to light the fact that I MUST leave him.

I am so sad that our recovery has been false. I've been avoiding admitting it for so long. But I knew that he had an addiction, and hadn't sought after any help for himself. I now understand that it is because he doesn't believe he has a problem. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

What the Harley's say is SO TRUE!!! That a M cannot be repaired if there is still an addiction present (aside from the OP). My H's problems have been the underlying issues all along. I have tried to make it work, and I know that I have improved, but I also know that there is nothing more I can do. It's all up to him. And that makes me so sad. It really does.

This is not what I want!!! I want to be here with my H. I want to support him. I want to be a good wife to him. I want to grow old with him. I want to fulfil OUR dreams together, with him. But I can't. And only b/c he can't see that he has issues that need to be addressed.

I have hit a few jagged points this week. I wouldn't say I've hit rock bottom... but I'm getting close. That's why I've decided to leave my H. I cannot bear the pain of this any longer.

I am trying to hold on to the hope that he will see the error in his ways, and change them, but I don't believe he is anywhere near that point. He just doesn't see it.

This has always been about him. He has never truly cared about me. That is all too evident now. There is NOTHING that I could have done to prevent his selfish behaviour. NOTHING! For over a year and 1/2, nearing 2 yrs, I have been working on me. Making myself a better person. Finding the real me again. H has been wanting that for himself too. Only he's expected it to come to his feet. I don't think he realizes that he is the one who has to find it, embrace it, and make it all happen. And sadly, I don't think he'll ever realize that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I called a local women's shelter, and they will help me to get out of here. I have been emotionally abused for years. The scars are evident in the way I feel about myself. Even with my self improvements thanks to the aid of MB, I know that I cannot improve anymore while still with my H. I am over 2 yrs ahead of him (IMO) in recovering myself. And I cannot wait for him any longer, without it damaging myself more.

H decided to go away this weekend after all. Yet another totally disrespectful action by him. I have never "enthusiastically agreed" to him going away. I understand how he needs to get his business plan written... but there were MANY alternatives to do this, than to go out of town, leaving me feeling like crap, b/c once again, he's choosing something else over me. This time, it's a school project. Last night it was an old work mate, the night before he laughed at me for being upset that he had hurt me, he also yelled at me in the exact same manner that he accuses me of, etc. It never ends. There is something EVERY day!

I will be aiming to be out of here with my boys in about one month. I have no intention of bringing a computer with me, and will not have access to the internet. The odd time, I may be at the library, and will think to check in on here, and see how everyone is doing. You have all been my true family of support for a very long time now.

Karen

Topie
I've followed a lot of your posts. Ultimately, only you know what is right for YOU. You and your kids will be in my prayers.

Karen,

I am sorry to hear of your pain. Sometimes we want more for our spouses than they want for themselves. I pray that God will comfort and strengthen you at this time. I pray that God will reveal truth to your husband while he is away and upon his return that you will see evidence of a changed man, who takes the vows in marriage to you seriously. Take a deep breath and allow God by His Holy Spirit to minister healing to you. I will be praying the will of God for you and your husband and family.

Remember that God is still in control. God is always with you and don't allow your emotions to rule you.

Yours in Christ,

WR

Hugs to you Karen. I am so sorry you are going through this and just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
BH

HI Topie....i am sorry too for your pain, topie, god bless you....i know you replyed to some of my posts and i will be thinking of you at this time...A/C0810

Topic...sometimes we have to do something which isn't truly what we wish to do...but it is the right thing for us. It seems that you've done your best and made real strides in self-improvement and have reached the point where you must continue your healing path without him. I'm so sorry, but know that the future for you and your children will bright.

I would like to add one item from your post...you said: "He has never truly cared about me." I doubt very much that this is true. He did/does care, but his addiction is overwhelming and one he has not yet accepted and chosen to deal with. You're correct...his problems are HIS and are and never were yours.

Good Luck on finding a safe, happy future with you and your children. God Bless!

{{{{{Topie}}}}}

I am so sorry that it has come to this. You are so much stronger now. You have done all that can be done. So if this is what you feel you need to do then know that there is support for your decision here.

My heart goes out to you.

Thanks gang. I wasn't really expecting any comments on this thread. I just needed to vent it out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am truly feeling empowered this afternoon. I thought that I would be missing my H terribly by now. And you know what? I don't!! That actually scares me. I guess my love bank is closer to empty than I thought it would be at this point. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

avondale25: Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. They're working! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

wisdom rules: I don't think my H will get it. And certainly, even if he does, he won't by the end of his weekend. But I do believe in miracles.... if they are meant to happen.

brokenhearted: Thanks to you too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

A/C0810: I hope all is going better with you now. I will try and look for your latest updates later tonight, after the twins are in bed.

just a wifey 2002: You're right. He has cared about me. As I said, it was just a vent. I just kept on typing whatever would come out. The reality, is that he just doesn't know how to show me he cares for me anymore, b/c he's too absorbed in his own issues.

zorweb: Yes, this is what I must do now. I don't really want to, but it's not up to me to make changes right now. It's all H. I still have a small glimmer of hope that my H will come to accept how he has so greatly contributed to this situation. If our M can be restored, then great. But at this point, all I truly want is for him to get better... for him!

Thanks again gang. You're all wonderful! My little MB angels. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Karen

I know I haven't written to you lately cause I didn't know if you where still talking to me but I follow your story out of interest and I believe you are a person who knows whats best for herself and her kids. I will tell you, you have freinds here that will support you in any decission you make.