Reading Dr. Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough," I came across the following:

Respect is generated by quiet dignity, self-confidence, and common courtesy.

He believes that problems in a M are due to lack of respect between the partners. Respect must be restored for reconciliation and the M to work.

I'd like to open this topic for everyone's opinion.

Thanks.

utterlyconfused,

I find it amazing that many people are more respectful to STRANGERS than they are their own spouse. I have often wondered if it is because they have a deep rooted desire for acceptance from strangers. The desire to make an impression on a stranger might lead them. This in return must mean that their spouse's acceptance is not an issue. Kinda like....they don't have to be on their best respectful behavior with their spouse because they have been accepted already from their spouse by marrying. I guess they feel like it is no longer necessary to make an impression on their spouse.

I can remember asking my 1st husband why he thought he could speak to me in a way that had a stranger spoken to me like that, he would have flattened them.

Make any sense?

committed

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by committedandlovingit:
<strong>utterlyconfused,

I find it amazing that many people are more respectful to STRANGERS than they are their own spouse.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Committed,

I have noticed that as well and can't understand why. Maybe because they let their guards down, I don't know. But your spouse is supposed to be the one you respect the MOST.

I am now making sure I show my W the utmost respect she deserves as a person and as my W regardless of what she does/says to me.

utterlyconfused,

Good for you! I am glad that you talk and treat your W with the utmost respect.

I find that my #1 EN is respect, always has been and I can imagine always will be. Plus, imo, a man is at his most attractive when he is being respectful.

Always,
committed

I love Dobson. He's right on most of the time.

I have always espoused the idea that respect is a precursor to love. It's pretty difficult to love someone you have no respect for. It's also very telling if a person claims to love you yet isn't the least bit respectful. I wouldn't call love, without respect, love at all.

<small>[ November 02, 2002, 03:30 PM: Message edited by: mthrrhbard ]</small>

right now for myself there is alot of respect between me and my stbw except in one area. Now I don't know if its myself or its something that is not right but she maintains contact with her ex. Now she trys to maintain freindly relations with him for the kids which I don't have anything against but I feel sometimes he around too much for my liking and she doesn't understand why I have a problem. A minister freind of mine said that the way I present the problem that is not clear enough for her to understand. Maybe I'm making it more of a problem than it really is. Now there is nothing between them anymore but I feel that I don't trust his movtives and I feel that my space is being invaded for some reason. I also feel that her jugdement is questionable in this area as we all know how to push our spouses and former spouse buttons to get what we want. Anyways I told her that I will love, honour, cherish and respect her and I know she does too just I don't think she realizes what she does is not in the best interest of our relationship. What do you think?

Utterlyconfused: You are absolutely right in asking why people are more respectful to strangers than they often are to their spouses.

I told my H three weeks ago that he must not treat me so badly. I told him that he treats a stranger on the street better than me.

I told him 2 weeks ago that he must stop using the 'F' word towards me when he's mad at me.

To give him credit, he's done this. I'd had it. I always talked about how people were kinder to others than their spouses. Never thought I'd be in that boat!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by committedandlovingit:
<strong>I am glad that you talk and treat your W with the utmost respect.

Plus, imo, a man is at his most attractive when he is being respectful.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Committed,

I am trying to treat her that way and lately I feel I've been succeeding after letting my anger get the best of me after both of my d-days and knowing how bad that was.

I am not sure if my W feels the same as you regarding a man being attractive when being respectful, but those words are inspiring. Anybody else like to weigh in on this? Women, do you feel the same way? Men, do you find it to be so?

<small>[ November 02, 2002, 05:55 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

^

For 9 years of marriage I thought that if I loved my W, I would automatically respect her. I am struggling with this issue right now. I have never stopped loving her. Sure our feelings for each other have dwindled down through the years and it took her EA for me to light that fire: not only am I so sure I love her but I am IN love with her as well.

What about the respect? Here is where I am confused: For 9 years I made many changes in me to try to make her happy. Some of the changes I was totally comfortable with, some others not so much. To me it was part of the adjustment process that every couple goes through. When I look back I can see that I respected her feelings, what would bother her, etc. That and the love I felt for her were my motivation for change. However, when she complains about the things I did that bothered/hurt her it makes me wonder if in fact I did those things because I took her for granted and did not respect her.

So what I am left with is: did I respect her or not? Is it possible to respect your spouse in some areas but not others? I don't know. This is to some extent driving me crazy. For instance, why would I listen to my friends' advice more than hers? I take that to be lack of respect from my part. On the other hand, the beginning of this year we were looking to build a new house even though I didn't think it was a good plan nor did I want to build yet. But I did it because she was so excited about it (I wanted to wait a few more years) and out of respect for her and her feelings I went along. We ended up not building because in March her EA started and all has been downhill from there. Which brings me to a different point, up until February of this year, a month before she met the OM, we, she and I, were making plans about our future together.

Respect IS one of the main ingredients in any marriage. Do love and respect go hand in hand? I think so, but my marriage has put this in doubt (as it has many other things). I know that I have to respect her decision (I don't have to agree) to divorce me if there is to be any hope left in my M. If I don't respect that then the message I am sending to her is that I don't care about how she feels, that she's not capable of making good decisions, etc. And if that is the case, why would she want to stay married to someone who does not respect her.

To me right now this is a tricky subject.

^