Posted this in recovery where I usually hang out but thought I'd post here too.

Well we just got back last night from a house hunting trip to the new state we are moving to ( H's job transfer). We actually had a nice few days and did some fun stuff in between.

Our flight was in on time getting home and it gave him enough time to shoot over to his buddy's to pick up some parts he ordered for his truck.

He gets the parts and is happy. We had a decent relaxing night. Talked about a few homes we saw and are trying to make a decision on which one to settle on.

This morning he gets up to install the parts he couldn't wait to get. They are the WRONG parts!
Its my fault. I measured something for him and I gave him two measurements. I measured it wrong. So the part wouldn't fit. He will have to turn the parts back in Monday and reorder new ones, be here in a few days. No biggie right? WRONG!
He threw a fit. He was mad about them being the wrong parts, mad that I gave him the wrong measurements. I actually gave him two measurements of which one was right but I picked the wrong one for him to go on. My mistake. I tried to explain how I measured and he wouldn't hear it. I admitted I made a mistake. I was sorry for it. Sorry for everything as I know his heart was set on doing this project this particular weekend due to our upcoming move.

FINALLY after saying he accepts my apology (which I don't believe) he calls a few places to see if the parts can be purchased locally and he will just mail back the others. One place said they had in stock what he needed. We went to the place, the man was WRONG. They did not carry the right thing. So this pissed him off even more.

We went to another place. Nothing.

We get home and he is mad at the world. Mad at everyone, mad at having to relocate, mad at you name it.

I stay out of his way after I tried to talk CALMLY to him and it failed. I went inside the house and let him hang out in the garage by himself to maybe calm down some, while I tried to get rid of a HUGE headache.

He came in a bit later saying he needed to go to the store for something. I said okay quietly. Didn't ask if I could tag along, nothing. I went before and that was the trip from hell. So as he is leaving I tried once more to calmly tell him that I understand he is upset about the truck, upset about the move and I totally understand how fustrated he is and again I apologized. He now says "Im not mad at you, Im mad at the man that told me he had the parts in stock, driving 30 mins to get them and no deal".

I asked him if we can just let that go and try to have a nice rest of the weekend and maybe do something to get our minds off the stress of the move. No Deal!

He is so angry. It shows in every word and mannerism he displays today. Im upset because this is too much. He is now telling me on Monday he will recant his offer to take the job and ask to get his severance package and stay right where we are. NOT A GOOD MOVE. He has a fabulous job and there are NO jobs here due to the ecomony. His severance won't last long and then he will regret that choice.

I can't believe I have to sit here today/evening and deal with this man in his behavior. I mean I validated ALL his feelings. I listened calmly and tried to suggest something to get our minds off this mess.

He rather act like a 10 year old and be pissed off.

I tried to hug him when he left. I get a half a$$ed one back because he is angry and Im sure still angry at me for the mistake in the parts order/measurement I took.

So any suggestions my friends.

Ive tried everything. Maybe I missed something and someone has the magic answer.

He is the type that if he is pushed (which isn't often) his anger is yucky to be around. Im sure part of it is that he feels not too good for yelling at me about something that could of been dealt with in a different manner.

I don't think Im being selfish if I say its not fair to be putting up with him all night in this mood. Any suggestions. If I say Im going to go do something on my own. That will just piss him off more and give him more reasons to be mad at me.

I know he will regret this later as he always does but how much does a WS have to endure with. Remember any minute I may hear something about what I did years ago..if he gets mad enough.

I know we are under a great deal of stress with this move but I am trying to do all I can.

How do you guys deal with a very angry and moody spouse when that comes up. Nothing I am doing or saying is working.

Thanks
Zoey

Man....Recovery does have its MOMENTS!!!

Also what hurt me is that he said in his fit of anger

"I knew I couldn't count on you to get the measurement right"

That really hurt me. I do all I can for him and never make mistakes. I did this time and I get blasted for it. Don't humans make mistakes.

Remember from my postings. When he is angry. He says really crappy things to me. It doesn't happen often but when it does, it stinks. This is twice in an 8 day timeframe.

I think you did just about all you could do.

The only thing I don't recall reading was whether or not you asked your H if there was anything you could do to help make it up to him?

It doesn't make for a fun night, that's for sure. I'm sorry that he has flipped out like this.

This is something that needs to be talked about. However, it is best to wait until the emotions are out of the way (your H's for sure <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). I am thinking that the real in-depth discussion should wait until the new parts come in - AFTER it is known if they fit right or not. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It is good that your H will be sorry for his angry outbursts after the fact, but I know that doesn't help with dealing that he did it in the first place. THAT is the issue, IMO.

I sure hope he doesn't throw your A into your face later tonight either. That's just plain cruel. This situation isn't even relevant to your A - EXCEPT that this behaviour of his is probably EXACTLY one of those things that lead to the marital environment prior to the A, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Stay strong. I'm sure the vent on here has helped you to heal some.

Karen

Thanks Topie
When he gets home I will ask if there is anything I can do to help or make this situation better.

Great suggestion but I think Im in for a long night.

Thanks so much
Zoey

Hey there Zoey, long time no talk! I am sorry to hear that your day is going as it is.

It is obvious that you are very frustrated with your very angry H, even after apologizing more than once and even trying to validate his feelings. In particular the fact that he seems to have decided he is going to stay good and angry all day seems to be the major concern.

My gut instinct here is to leave him alone, stop talking about it, give him his space. He said he accepted your apology. He at least tried to half-hug you, instead of pushing you away. He even said he is now mad at the guy that caused him to drive for 30 mins for nothing. It's not about you anymore. I think it's your fear that he's going to throw the past in your face again that may have you all pent up here.

As you say, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is the type that if he is pushed (which isn't often) his anger is yucky to be around</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">so don't push him. Give him space. Find things to do by yourself.

Maybe after a couple of hours, ask him if he wants to do something tonight, like dinner or rent a movie or whatever you guys usually like to do for fun on a Sat. night, WITH NO MENTION of the car part fiasco. If he says no, he doesn't feel like it, maybe find a girlfriend to go have fun with if it's going to really bother you to just hang around home and his negative "aura".

I agree with Topie, maybe just the chance to write your post helped to calm you down.

Take care Zoey, and just give Mr. Grumpy Pants <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> some time to himself to cool down.

Jen

I agree with JB. Leave it alone for now. Let him reflect on his own behavior without imput from you. Just continue as if "these stupid things do happen"...because they do.

Likely by the time he goes to work Monday, everything well be resolved in his mind and he'll realize that he's only "sweating the little stuff".

There is always a lot of stress when moving, changing jobs...and it's so easy to "let off some much needed steam" over things that don't really account for much.

Give him some space, be available to be loving...but let him come to you. JMHO

Hi Zoey,

do men get PMS???? I'm starting to believe that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> My H had a fit last nite.
Let me explain. He was sick the whole day and I was running around making tee and just making sure he was ok.
I cooked him something good and let him rest for the rest of the day. You think that was ok? Well he thought differently.

I noticed that he needed to be on his own, so I left him alone. I went into the office and was doing stuff on our PC. What did he do?? He came in the office and sat beside me. (huh??)
So I told him that I was going to take a shower and I left him fiddling around on the PC.

What did he do?? He came a few minutes later into the bathroom. (huh?)

I was friendly and yet abit confused. I was fininshed in the bathroom and I decided to go to bed and read abit. (it was a holiday yesterday and it was pouring outside)
So what did he decide to do??? He came to bed, too. (huh)

You're probably asking, what the problem is? Well it wouldn't of been a problem until my dear husband told me late last nite that he felt that I had been following him the whole day and he didn't feel that he had space!!!!!!!!! (huh?????)

This really blew me. I was going out of his way the whole day and gave him space wherever I could and he told me that I was following him!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

This morning, I woke up, my eyes were swollen, I really looked a mess. I still didn't get it.
He was behaving like "Mr. Right" the complete day. But I swore that I wouldn't give him any reason to get mad.
I kept my promise until tonite. He tryed to get close to me and I softly escaped from him.

We did talk abit and he told me to just forget last nite. Forget and go on.
We talked abit more and the last thing I told him was: I wish that someone would just really cry for me. I feel so hurt and I feel as if no matter what I do it isn't right I feel so replaced.
I then left the house.

I was away for approx. 1 hour. I went to a river and you know what I did???
Do I didn't jump. I was honestly tempted too, but I thought I wouldn't experience someone crying for me. (I hope this doesn't sound strange) I was just deeply depressed and emmensly hurting.
I prayed. I asked for strength and I asked to get over this hurting feeling. (mind me, I am not a very religious person)
But I prayed my butt off. During this I was listening to the song: I never promised you a rose garden. There were swans swimming in this lake and suddenly a rat jumped out of the water!!!!!!!
I ran!!!! Gosh was I happy that I was alone and that no one saw me. Anyways when I got home, I was just taking off my shoes and my H came into the room. He asked me calmly where I had been. I told him: You can imagine where I was, can't you??? he commented: hmmmmmm
(I always go to the same place when I'm sad)

He asked me to come into the living-room. I told him that I felt sick, I'd prefer the bathroom.
He told me to come into the living-room. Again, I told him that I felt sick and was at the point of throwing up.
He told me: Doesn't matter, just throw up in the living room. (huh)

Well I followed him and sat down on the couch. He then looked at me and asked me to come into the other room. (bedroom) (huh?)

well I followed him into the bedroom and I was SHOCKED!!!!!!!!! Immediately tears popped into my eyes and I started to cry.
He had lite approx. 20 candles and he had a bottle of wine and 2 glasses.
He told me that he wanted to tell me how sorry he was for his behaviour and that I should never feel replaced. He told me that he was sorry for my pain and he feels terrible for his behaviour.
I almost couldn't stop crying, but I did eventually. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> My H has never done anything like this before. We have been together for almost 28 years, I was overwhelmed and I still am.

I don't know why I am telling you this because your situation is somewhat differnet, but even if your case is the other way around. How would he react if you did something in this direction???
Open a bottle of wine and light some candles??? Tell him you are sorry that he is feeling the way he is feeling and that you want him to feel better.
You might think that his frustration has nothing to do with the past, but who knows?? Maybe abit of comfort and a few sips of wine might make your week-end turn out to be better than you expected. Please excuse me if I am completely off road for your situation. I am still overwhelmed and I guess the wine is working too.

take care
bb

Plan A can be for WS, BS, and anyone in between..

It is finding that place within that lets each of us face adversity without losing ourselves in the process...

You made a mistake...you apologized...now for your own sake let it go....

You are not responsible for his actions..and you can't change him...

Especially change the way you think about this situation....

"can't believe I have to sit here today/evening and deal with this man in his behavior"

You don't....you have done all you can...it is all in his court..which does not mean you ignore or exclude him...it means you move on...and be cordial and iviting to him without dwelling on what you can not change...

Plan something that does not exclude him but don't put any of this on you if he refuses...

"I don't think Im being selfish if I say its not fair to be putting up with him all night in this mood."

It's not fair..but you can't do anything about him he is in control of him only...

don't let this drive you crazy...and don't let his behavior affect yours...
look for patterns that occur when the two of you argue and change what you can about your actions that play a role in the continuation of arguements...

The fact that what you did was nothing more than an honest to goodness mistake...is the exact reason that you must not play into his over-blown response...we all make mistakes...it happens...grownups need to find a way to be sorry when it happens...and move on from it as well...

Do it for you, for your peace of mind...
Be warm and open to him but do not set yourself up for rejection and more pain seeking hugs and things....detach from his anger it is his alone...

peace to your home
ARK

Thanks to each of you. WOW tons of great responses. I feel better just coming here and venting. What a godsend you all are. I posted an update in recovery but will copy and paste it here..

UPDATE:
FH
Thanks
Topie responded to me as well in GQ2

Im very upset right now. We talked for a bit when he came home, then he ran off to run a fast errand. When H says he is going somewhere and will be right back, he comes right back.

Tonight he left to get a part at a store. 5 hours go by and no sign of him. Can't reach him on the cell phone. I was extremely concenred. This is WAY out of character for him. I called his buddies, nothing. I drove the route he takes to that store, even went by his office and nothing.

After several calls. I finally got the number the shop his buddy owns, uses on the weekend when they work on a project. I had misplaced it.

After going NUTS calling all over, even the police to see if there was a wreck somewhere because as I said, this is HIGHLY unusual. I found him. At his buddys shop. See I drove by but they parked inside the shop and closed the bays for privacy when working on their vehicles and so that no unwanted traffic stops by.

I had to keep my cool. I was EXTREMELY upset. Had been all over kingdom come searching for him. I talked with him on the phone. He seemed a bit more calm and felt bad he had not called but was so super angry, he just went to the store to get his part and then stopped by his buddys.

This to me, was extremely RUDE and inconsiderate. He could of made a 1 minute phone call to say he was going there and be home later. Its fine with me. I never have a problem with that. I was scared something happened.

Ok...Backtrack to before he left to go to the store. The talk we had. He totally me about 2 weeks ago he had a very vivid dream about me and the OM. Dreamed that OM was after me again. In the dream he saw me with OM. I would not come home, didn't want to talk with him anymore and was going back to the OM.

This I understand. I heard many BS"s have nightmares even years later. BUT why not talk to me about it. Why take out his anger/fear of the nightmare on me in so many negative ways as he has been in the last week. Not fair in my eyes but ok. We aren't perfect. I know.

But I sat here for a very long time, worried sick, calling all over and crying from fear that something happened. I knew he was angry and upset when he left the house and that with driving is not good. So I feared something happened.

The whole time he was at his buddys place blowing off steam. That is great for HIM. What about ME? I guess that was MORE punishment for upsetting him right? It seems like it to me. Why on earth would any BS with a WS that has been like I have for the last few years, do something like that. We have come so far but this makes me feel like back in the early days of recovery.

The nightmare shook him up that much. Even though we had a good time house-hunting I noticed him was acting a bit different. The whole time that nightmare was on his mind. If only he would of addressed it with me, we could of talked about it. I would of reassured him things are okay and that it was only a bad dream.

Im bothered by his way of handling it but what can I do? He will be coming home in a little bit. I told him its fine if he stays with his buddy to finish what they are doing, my thinking being it will help him some.

But now here I sit. Very upset. Not sure what to think. Maybe a bit angry too. I feel bad he didn't come to me with it and talk it out. I feel bad he stuffed it inside. It did neither of us any good.

His nationality is all american boy :-) He however did inherit the horrible temper his dad had. He doesn't get upset often or very angry but when he does, its all out war.

Thanks FH for responding. I hope to catch up with you later.

Zoey

Thanks Jen. You are always right

BB: YES Men get PMS but they don't make a pill strong enough to help them. LOL :-)

Ark. GREAT ADVICE. You helped me feel better. I did all I could do.

Just the wifey: Yep, it always seems to be ok in the end BUT why act that at all. Its crazy. Im doing the best I can.

Topie: Nope he didn't throw the A in my face but it was related to it. The nightmare. Which I feel bad for but what can I do. Ive walked a solid straight line since DDay and he knows this.

NOTE: this was totally out of character for H. I can't believe this but he realizes he picked a rotten way to deal with it. I hope we can talk it out a bit more later on. Since he has calmed down now. Will update you all tomorrow.

<small>[ November 02, 2002, 08:23 PM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

I remember several years back (long before my H's affair) when he had a nightmare about me which involved pretty much what your H had except it included my xH. He was livid! It brought up emotions that he couldn't admit to, much less tell me about. And just like you...he was mad at me and I had no idea why. He tried to push it away, but it would come out in other areas where he'd over react to the slightest things. I could have knocked him in the head when he finally told me what was eating him. Men can be funny creatures (sorry those of the male gender...but you can be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ), so often it's so hard for them to put into words their feelings especially when attached to a feeling of losing control. And none of us can control what we dream.

Your H should be VERY sorry for causing you worry. There was no excuse for this behavior. He was WRONG! He was unkind! He was stupid! I hope he comes home with his "tail between his legs"...as he acted like a dog!

Just take some deep breaths and get your own emotions under control. Tell him again that your sorry for the mistakes you made with the measurement, and he better be sorry for worrying you (laughing works well with this statement). Then let it go! Don't spoil the rest of the weekend over a silly part.

I'm glad to hear things seemed to have calmed down as the day draws to a close. You made it through it!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Thanks Jen. You are always right</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gee, if only my H felt that way....lol! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Take care Zoey,

Jen

Thanks Jen. Like I said before Jen, careful what you wish for, you just might get it. LOL :-)

Just the Wifey: You are too funny. Boy did he ever feel that way..but he felt worse this morning than last night. Last night I didn't say much or bring it up. When he came home I told him I was worried, and that I loved him. I left it alone last night and did my thing.

This morning we talked about it and he felt really super bad. Apologies and all.

It was DUMB of him to behave that way. Thanks for the support last night

Zoey

Is there a possibility that your H is suffering from depression? men and women exhibit different behaviors when depressed. Women generally withdraw and cry. Men generally get angry and do macho things (drive too fast/recklessly is common). It's a touchy subject to bring up w/ a loved one. Maybe it's worth looking into for your own educational purposes (lots of web sites and books out there). I mention this because I'm depressive and what you've described sounds like something I would have done.