Hi I have my whole story in this forum titled "beginning of the end." I just don't know what to do. My husband says I drive him crazy when I ask him why can't we make our marriage work, so I try not to even have a reason to call him so that I don't even get the urge to bring that up. He has also said that it makes him not want to speak to me at all due to those questions. So we agreed that he would call to speak to his son-that's it. He is NOT doing that and he knows I still have a weakness that he is not willing to satisfy so why intensify it. He calls when he knows my son is in school to tell me to have my son call him when he gets home or he'll call to ask me a silly question.

I can't take it anymore. My husband knows that I want this marriage to work with all of the strength in my body and he doesn't want it and has stated that. Then he'll tell me that he wants me to be strong because hes not used to seeing me weak. That may be true, however I am an only child, my Mom just passed away in Jan @ 48 yrs of age, my husband left in June and I am DEPRESSED at times. Is it not ok for me to be a little weak-I have ALWAYS been strong for my Mom, my husband, my son and myself. I just don't feel strong right now.
He will then tell me that I need to change because I was always nagging him and bi$%hing at him (which i did excessively) and he just couldn't take it anymore. My question is what difference does it make for me to change when he told me that if I have changed fine, but it's too late for us. Then why keep telling me that he wants me to change, but on the other hand tell me there is no hope. I found out I was pregnant on thursday, we have been separated for almost five months, and I don't even want to tell him. I would never have imagined my life like this. I'm afraid to tell my husband I'm pregnant because I don't want him to think it's a ploy, this is crazy..WHAT DO I DO NOW-DO I TELL HIM? WHY IS HE SAYING ALL OF THE THINGS, DOES ANYONE WHO'S BEEN FOLLOWING MY STORY THINKS HE MEANS IT?

<small>[ November 05, 2002, 03:48 PM: Message edited by: luvhazeleyes ]</small>

Luvhazeleyes,

I wanted to check in with you to see how you are. The fact that your WH is calling to talk to your son when he knows your son is not home or to just ask questions is encouraging. Do not bring up any relationship talk, especially since your WH things it is nagging. (It is actually just bringing out more guilt within him and he's trying to turn it back on you).

You have alrealy told him several times that you want the marriage to work, he knows that, so now is the time to let your actions speak the words. You don't want to appear as weak, and begging, this will be a turn off. Try to be strong, loving, and a fun, flirty spirit. You will confuse him!!

As for the pregnancy, yes, you should tell him immediately, how far are you along??

HI,
GC I've been wondering where you were hiding. Well I told my husband today that I was pregnant and boy did I get a responses I would have never thought was coming. He told me that he doesn't think it would be good for me to have the baby due to our situation, nor would it change anything between us. I CANNOT believe this is my husband saying this to me. He always said we could have another baby whenever I wanted to. He came to GA today to visit my son and he STILL has no desire to be with me AT ALL. I am so hurt and confused I don't know what to do. He told me that he's "trying" to be nice to be in all ways possible. Yes I did bring up R talk because this is the first time I've seen him in a month and I could NOT help it. He reaffirmed his decision and went on to say that he is NOT with anyone else, he just wants to be by himself and that he wasn't happy for a long time and can't continue to make himself unhappy. He also said he doesn't even want to try that it is really over forever. How can he know how he will feel in the future or can he really have another relationship brewing? Without me asking he says he does not want to be committed to anyone right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You don't want to appear as weak, and begging, this will be a turn off. Try to be strong, loving, and a fun, flirty spirit. You will confuse him!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GC you're right and you're not the first person to tell me this. It is so hard not to want to beg and fall to your knees and ask why. I didn't do that but believe me I was pretty close. I can't stand to think of him with someone else, it hurts! It hurts to hear him say it's too late for us when he says in the next breath that he still loves me as much as he did before. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON? I orginally asked him does he love me like he used to and he said no, then when I told him back what he said about 10 mins later he said that he did NOT say that and he does love me just the same, he just can't be with me. I'm sorry for going on and on but I can't sleep right now.

BUMP

Here I am venting again. I didn't go on to say that yesterday when I saw him, I touched his head and his chest in the usual affectionate way and he withdrew from me. What does this mean? I don't know what to do I dont know how to handle this I feel as if my husband is NEVER coming back. He also told me yesterday that "nothing lasts forever, and marriages do come to an end." Me seeing him yesterday has set me back 10 spaces. Today we had to speak regarding financial issues and I did tell him during the conversation that our marriage is very important to me and hope that we could give our marriage a chance but in the meantime I will do what I have to for me. He just listened and I could tell that he is so "moved on" past this that the marriage doesn't matter anymore. Please help me, I am hurting, can't eat and just numb with pain. Why doesn't he want to tell me if there is someone else, everything points in that direction. He told me he knows that he will DEFINATELY not be in a relationship any time soon. I doubt if the person he is seeing is married so I just feel helpless. It is impossible to bring this affair to light so do I just sit and wait. I don't want to appear to be a stalker.

Luvhazeleyes,

Hopefully what I will say may offer some encouragement, my husband acted and said the EXACT same things, as I am sure most WS's do. Before I found out about the affair (which was due to my own digging), H basically said the same thing, how he wasn't happy for a long time, cared for me, but was not "in love" with me, etc, etc. He filed for divorce, but never gave me papers, etc, I lived with the threat of divorce over my head for a long time.

Your husband, is in a total state of fogginess, and is so full of guilt, and has tried to harden his heart, this is why he pulls away from your affection, mine did the same.

It wasn't until I found MB, and learned exactly what a Plan A should be, that husband seemed to take notice. It is not about looking solemn and sad, as much as we feel that way, but to show that we are a strong individual. No, it does not mean to act like you don't care, but it takes you to be strong for yourself, and to be strong if your marriage is to recover.

I had to Plan A while my husband was living with another woman for 18 months, and that is not alot of fun! He needs to see you more desireable to be with, because OW will portray herself that way.

Stay away from those Love Busters, him and OW will create their own together, and he will only see good in you.

Keep us posted on your husbands reaction to the pregnancy, I would say that he is in shock, right now. Don't let any of his words (such as not having the baby) go to your head, he is so utterly confused and foggy right now he doesnt know his butt from a hole in the ground!

HI,

GC
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keep us posted on your husbands reaction to the pregnancy, I would say that he is in shock, right now. Don't let any of his words (such as not having the baby) go to your head, he is so utterly confused and foggy right now he doesnt know his butt from a hole in the ground!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I am feeling as if I shouldn't have the baby due to the situation. I am already an emotional wreck, it is a job for me to do my daily duties as it is. I'm afraid if he doesn't come back then I'm a single parent with an infant and my 6 yr old son. I get the feeling that my husband may think my having another baby will be a hinderance in his relationship with whomever he is with.(Why else would he be against it all of a sudden, whadda ya think?) However, I have new news. My husband told my cousin (on thurs-and my cousin is just telling me today)that he is very happy now and he doesn't have to worry about arguing with me anymore (we did spat alot sometimes) and that he is sure this is what he wants. My husband is NOT the type to discuss our issues with anyone, so this hit me hard as if he wants me to get it through my thick head that it is over. He kept reiterating to my cousin that IT IS OVER and he doesn't talk to me much because he doesn't want me to think we will be getting back together. I can't believe this. I'm so afraid of what is to come and as I said before his family seems to support him in this mess and I really have no one else who seems to be giving my husband the realization that he needs. I asked my husband can we talk to our son together and explain to him that he won't be seeing him as much as he used to, and he said he would do it alone. Then my son told me that he asked his Dad when is he coming to live at home with us and his Dad didn't answer NOR did he speak to my son regarding his absence. I dont know why he doesn't care at all.

LuvHazelEyes,

Can you do me a favor, go to the Edit Post icon on your initial post on this thread, and add to the title of this topic, something like

I have no one else that understands...Pregnant with WH's child.

I think this will attract more attention to your thread, and I am sure that there are others who can give you some sound advice on how best to handle this situation that have been in the same position.

As for now, please do not make any dramatic decisions about your pregnancy, do you have any family members you can talk to this about? I don't want you to make any decisions that you will regret, your emotional state of mind is not capable of making this life-changing decision.

As for your husbands comments about how its over, how he is much happier, blah, blah, babble. This is all complete FOG talk!!

Of course he is not going to reply to someone that he is miserable without you, because he knows they will tell him to go back immediately. He is going to put on his happy face, even though he is tremendously guilty inside.

My H has told me that he was happy for the first few months with OW, but after that, it was killing him inside, but he managed to put on a pretend-happy face around everyone, including me. He told me that even though he said he was happier, he was depressed inside.

I know its hard sweetie, to hear these comments come out of your husbands mouth, but this is totally normal, sad to say.

I know how hard it is, especially when you are first starting out on a full Plan A, a real one with no LB's at all, when people tell you its about you. It is about you, you know the type of person you are, do not let your husbands actions or words bring you down, or the affair would have won.

LuvHazelEyes,

PLEASE do me a favor. EMAIL me your email address at Oceangirl06460@yahoo.com

I want to share a VERY personal story with you, and I can't do this in a public forum.

Thanks.

I was pregnant with twins when my H told me he wasn't happy in our M, and wanted out. We also had a 1 1/2 yr old, and had just lost our almost 4 yr old son less than 5 months previous.

I can totally relate to the devestation you feel right now!!! ((((((((luvhazeleyes)))))))) And it certainly doesn't help matters any when your body is adjusting to hormonal changes too. IMO, those changes make it impossible to not LB (I just don't think a perfect plan A can be done while pregnant - but I'm also a terrible pregnant woman! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ).

Your H, when talking to others about how happy he is. He's B.S.ing himself. He's simply trying to believe it for himself. Okay, yes, SOME aspects of it are making him happier, but those are SHORT TERM results. You need to work on the LONG TERM. And that's where your plan A comes into place.

I think your first order of business is to decide about your pregnancy. I personally, am "pro choice", and would support you in whatever decision you make. I had also been pregnant (again!) shortly after H and I had reconciled, and ended up miscarrying (which I am actually thankful for). I had made appts with a clinic, so that they could help me to decide what I wanted to do. I suggest the same for you. They certainly won't force you into any decision, they will simply help you to get in touch with what YOU want to do. (by the way, I don't think I could have ever gone through with it. That is why I am so thankful for the miscarriage). However, if you've already decided to keep the baby, then this isn't an issue. Although counselling would still be in order.

Once you have made your decision on the baby, then you can move on with your plan A.

I'm so sorry that your H is being such an a$$. The fog does some pretty terrible things to these men we love, doesn't it?

Please try to put your mind at ease about the OW. I can understand, that you're frustrated by knowing something is going on, but that you cannot prove. It's okay. Trust your gut. And do what is best for you.

If you need some 'off the board' support, you can email me at: 4topie25@rogers.com .

Karen

Okay, I don't want to point out the obvious here, but you just found out you are pregnant ~ that means somewhere in the last 5-6 weeks, max, you and your WH and sex. The reason your WH doesn't want you to have this child is because if OW finds out (and I know he says there is no one else <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) , there will be hell to pay because she will put 1+1 together and figure out where the 3 came from!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> In fact, this could be this biggest LB your WH could have done with re: to OW!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> If she has any brains/self esteem whatsoever, it will lead to the demise of the A and, hopefully, send WH running home to you!

Please, please, please, think long and hard about having this child. I made some VERY VERY VERY stupid mistakes in my past and did not realize how irreversible, devastating and sad they were until I held my newborn son. Now, I cry regularly for what I so readily gave up ~ everytime my little guy does something new and exciting, it's bitter sweet because of my past choices. I would never make the same choice again. YOU CAN DO IT BY YOURSELF IF YOU HAVE TO ~ my WH was a raging alcoholic for the first 11 months of our son's life (he's been sober 40 days) and was involved in an A for 7 of those months (and may still be and just hiding it well). Now WH spends every night at AA Meetings. In essence, I am a single Mom. I also hold a full time job working 9 hours a day in a highly visible executive position in a major oil company. Sometimes it seems as though I can't go on and am going to collapse ~ then I spend just 1 second with my little guy and I know that I can do whatever it takes! You will find the strength.

Brit's Brat/BS-41
WH-43
DS-1 year old
Status: One Day At A Time

(((((LHE))))) I wish I was nearby to give you these hugs in person.

This is about YOU now. You and your children. I am prochoice too and would support you with any decision. I think counselling re choice is important at this point. My FWH told me about his A when I was just ending my first trimester. I had been sicker than I ever thought I could be until then...then the revelation. Thankfully for another 2 months I was in denial. But I didn't take care of myself (sleepless, not eating) I too thought that there is no way I can keep this baby. Then DD2 and I thought I would not survive the pain. Except for the baby in my belly. That is what pulled me through. I sang and sang to that baby. In my case my H was home and the FOG was lifting. Now Grace is 3 months old and she is truly a gift. God gave her to me in the darkest hours of my life, of our marriage. (My H was still heavily involved with the OW when we got preg - it was unplanned) She smiles and all the pain goes away. I see my eldest D with her and I realize that it doesn't matter what happens in my M down the road. I have these precious darlings. They are my legacy. I am strong for them. I made a choice many years ago. One that was right for me at the time. Do I regret it now, yes and no. I am stronger now (and older). But I am sad that I will never have the chance to know.

Please keep us posted or email me and I will give you whatever support you need.

AG

Hi All,
Thank you for the hugs and responding during this MESS that I'm in.

GC
Thank you for the FYI, I have edited my post.
I just do NOT think I can have this baby, I really don't. I am really emotionally and mentally unprepared for this. I'm scared, frustrated and upset with all of this. My son is already feeling some of the wrath of this situation and I know it will be unfair to him to bring more pressure in.

I'm not doing this for him, I am actually doing this for me. I believe if I were to have this child it would be just to cause a problem with him and OW and that is not fair to me. It just hurts that he is protecting her feelings and hurting the he!! outta mine. The way my H is acting it doesn't seem like this is going to be something short term. Could he be acting this way if it were just a fling with no emotional attachment?

He doesn't want much contact with me should I still Plan A? He has heard alot of my voice recently and I think he NEEDS to miss me and not hear from me for awhile. He's at the "turned-off" stage, knowing him I can tell.

Kily and Topie
I have emailed both of you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Thank you

BB
As I said above it irks me that he's even considering her feelings and not mine. Does this mean there are emotional feelings involved and how can I bring the affair to light if he keeps denying it? How is your M now if you don't mind me asking?

AG
Congrats on your new baby:) I'm not in the position to do it though. Can you tell me how things are for you now regarding your M, kids etc...?

Dear Luvhazeleyes,

I have never posted anything to any forum. I have been to this site a few times due to my personal dilema. I don't know why I went to this site today, but when I saw pregnancy and talk of not knowing whether to keep the baby, I had to read all of the communication.
My heart is pounding as I write this to you. Please don't act on your current feelings about this child. I made the decision 7-1/2 years ago to terminate my pregnancy because when I told my husband he said "now everything's ruined". I thought my marriage would be ruined if I had the child and had I known what I know now I would have never done it. It almost ruined me and out of it I discovered there is no choice to make.
Two years later I found out why my husband said that to me - he was in the process of having an affair.
He and I have had untold guilt and remorse for what we did and I believe it has only added to our inability to reconcile. I know things look so grim for you right now, but I can tell you from personal experience that it will be worse. The guilt never goes away and I am faced daily with abortion in the media, from co-workers, etc. and it is never forgotten.
I don't have any children and have no hope for children now, as I am 43 (almost 44).
I would be happy to talk with you personally about this, if you would like. I don't know quite how to do that since I've never even posted anything before. I have to leave my office right now and I don't have the internet at home, but I will check back tomorrow.

Please hold off on any decision right now - there is too much emotion and hurt going on for you to think clearly about this.

Sincerely,

Anitapeace

Hi Luv ~

Before you make any decisions....

Go back and read my profile again.

And then read this thread:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=020978 - and check out the pictures of my beautiful daughter. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after I kicked my husband out.

I don't recommend EVER, getting pregnant to save a marriage.

But, you already are, and so no use second guessing.

My husband accused me of trying to "trap" him, and he even accused me of faking it. He also accused me of pouring my pregnant SIL's urine on the tester with sleight of hand (he watched me take the test).

I survived, you can too. You never know what is in store for you. Let me caution you though - my husband and I were separated for 18 months. 5 months is not even close to long enough to resolve your issues.

Plan A, Plan A, and take good care of you.

HI,

AP
Thank you so much for your story and I have been thinking long and hard about this. However, I have my back against the wall in this situation. I am currently moving back up north, in the process of finding tenants to rent my home, stressed unbelievably, my son is yearning for his Dad and honestly I do NOT have the strength to do this. I am not being selfish and please don't judge me based on this decision. I have never had my Dad in my life. EVER! He was not there for me and I already see my son going through exactly what I went through. It is not easy for me right now doing this but I don't want to be pregnant, watching a relationship flourish with my husband and someone else. I HAVE to deal with it with my son but I have a choice to bring a baby into this wreck.

BR
You're family is beautiful and you are BLESSED to have your marriage restored. I don't see that for me. He is very adamant about this and is telling everyone it's over. If he ever had plans on coming back to his marriage, why would he be telling EVERYONE he's NEVER COMING BACK. I am sick with this pregnancy and sick with misery. I'm devastated and lonely. I can't go on like this and I know I have to do this. Please understand I am not a bad person, but as much as I want my marriage I NEED my sanity.

---BUMP---

Hi luv

please, please, please listen pay attention to the people that been through this before you.

My God everyone is telling to you, your H is in the fog big time. Please trust them they know what they are talking about.

This is to your advantage whether you know it or not. read this qoute again

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, I don't want to point out the obvious here, but you just found out you are pregnant ~ that means somewhere in the last 5-6 weeks, max, you and your WH and sex. The reason your WH doesn't want you to have this child is because if OW finds out (and I know he says there is no one else ) , there will be hell to pay because she will put 1+1 together and figure out where the 3 came from!! In fact, this could be this biggest LB your WH could have done with re: to OW!!!! If she has any brains/self esteem whatsoever, it will lead to the demise of the A and, hopefully, send WH running home to you!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Please purchase the book by Steve Harley who's responsible for this site SURVIVING AN AFFAIR
if you can, talk to Harley himself through phone counseling.

When in doubt, don't do nothing, please don't make a hasty decision that will come back to haunt you later please. I beg you please listen to what everyone has to say. You have to stop believeing what H is saying hurt people hurt people, please listen.

Keep coming here and vent. You have to stop being DESPARATE, PLEADING, BEGGING NO RELATIONSHIP TALKS with H that will run him away , I know you are in pain please trust in God everything will be OK. I did the begging pleading it didn't work My H said those same things to me . H told me he hated me if he heard a song with my name, he would turn the station . I found out from him it was his quilt eating at him it had nothing to do with me. once again please listen.

ONE MORE THING YOUR BACK ISN'T AGAINST THE WALL BECAUSE GOD IS BEHIDE YOU. THAT'S GOD'S BACK HOLDING YOU UP, DON'T GIVE UP GOD HAS YOU!!!!

<small>[ November 06, 2002, 05:00 AM: Message edited by: MALC ]</small>

Luv, I didn't think my husband was ever coming back either. He did exactly what your husband did - telling everyone I was psycho, he was happy to be gone, and that he was never coming back.

They almost ALWAYS do that.

Luv:

I am so sorry for your situation. I wish that you could see that this baby is a blessing. If you feel your back is up against the wall,that is truly Satan.

Your 6 yr old will probably be of great help to you and enjoy your new baby.

It never ceases to amaze me, how much impact the man's reaction and where he is planning to be, has over our own thoughts and abilities to handle the situation.

I don't know your situation, only you do, but, I think that you can get through this. I am sure that you don't have to terminate your pregnancy to do it. You say you can't bring another child into this wreck, but look what you have to do to prevent bringing one.

Nothing in the world is promised to anyone, and I don't want to sound like I don't understand the pressures, the fear and the lack of marital stability. I do. But, I think that all those things have a way of working out. Your baby though, is something you will not soon forget.