I just sent him an email. All it said was the following.....

"Hope you're still checking your emails. I'm thinking of you and missing you.

I love you."

Was this O.K.? Should I not have sent it? I just wanted him to know that I am missing him.

bump

What's done is done. I understand your feelings towards your H. However, it's not the words that he probably needs right now, but the actions. Either way, I would hope that your H won't be offended by your email. But that all depends on his anger level too.

Don't beat yourself up over this one email. That's not really the issue here. The underlying issue is that you need to work on YOU, to be more self-confident, and to heal. Now THAT, my friend, will really get your H's attention! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have you practiced some open-ended questions for your H? You know... the ones that cannot be answered with either a "yes" or a "no"? It's a difficult exercise at first.. but one of the many steps to opening communication. (along with it is the ability to hear the answer "I don't know", and accept that as the truth, b/c out of confusion, the WS really doesn't know).

Karen

Actions speak louder than words.

Please work on you. Do good things for you. Better yourself. Dress up everyday the best you can with what you have. Do you hair, nails and go for long walks. Do some soul searching. Change yourself, old behaviors. This takes a ton of work but the results are awesome and you will be so glad you did. I did it!!

Read some self help books. Books on self esteem, regaining your confidence. Don't worry about him right now. Nothing you say to him will matter. He wants to SEE not HEAR.

I will go read your story but I wish you well. Take care and let me know how I can help.

Remember only when you love and respect yourself can you love and respect others and in turn only when you love/respect yourself only then can others feel the same for you.

Zoey

Open ended questions...good idea....that gets me thinking....but I shouldn't hijack this thread. I'll start a new one.

JB

Hi Ferbie- I am having the same issues.. one reason my h is not attracted back to me is my intense bad feelings about me and myself since he cheated.. the guilt, the anger at me... DEPRESSION... I have gained tons of weight and am not even me anymore....

He is not interested in being back with me, until I am again the wonderful , beautiful person I used to be. I have to be that without him, I once was and I can be now... you can too.

I just got a copy of the book, THE RULES... I strongly suggest it... DOn't be begging, pleading, always wanting to talk about it... it is driving my h nuts... be elusive and myseterious and wonderful.

I will be cking in on you, and i will go read your story.

Hugs, H

Well, he hasn't responded in the slightest bit to my email. I don't even know if he's read it because he's changed his password on his email account now. I feel this is just another way of him getting me out of his life, but I can't say for sure.

I've thought so long and hard about this and I still believe that our marriage can work. I still feel there is a chance, but obviously not if he's willing to work at it with me.

He's told me that it's over, but that he doesn't know about filing for divorce. He tells me it's over, but that he loves me. He hugged me when he left the last time and kissed me. He showed me some genuine concern. Now, why all this?!

Ferbie,

I have been where you are. My H wanted nothing to do with me. I left him letters, card, mailed him a note, and even tried emailing him, all with no response. So I finally sucked it up and stopped trying to contact him. Rather than looking desperate, begging, pleading and needy (not very attractive, as Honey also commented), I let him have his space.

While apart from him I have been working hard at figuring out why I had the affair, and what I need to change about me in order to be a better wife, and have a stronger marriage. I have also been looking after myself, running, trying to eat well, etc. So, when I interact with him again, I will be a healthy, positive, person like the woman he fell in love with.

That being said, I do have the end of an agreed upon 3 month separation to look forward to.

You have the HUGE advantage of seeing your H in person regularly. I would suggest that you avoid relationship talk when you are with him, and just try to be a friendly, cheerful companion when you are together. Show him that you care by listening to him, asking how he is, and just being there for him.

The fact that you still believe your marriage can work will come across to your H, so don't forget that you believe this, no matter how much your H's behaviour discourages you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He's told me that it's over, but that he doesn't know about filing for divorce. He tells me it's over, but that he loves me. He hugged me when he left the last time and kissed me. He showed me some genuine concern. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He really isn't sure that he wants a divorce then. He obviously still cares about you a great deal. I would guess that he brings divorce up wanting to know what you think about that possiblity - and I am sure you keep saying that you don't want a divorce. Be sure never to waiver in your answer, it will show him your committment to him and your marriage.

I am no expert here, I am still struggling too, but hopefully something I have said may help!

Take care and don't lose hope. Your H still cares about you!

Jen

The difference in your situation and mine is....you were the one to do the affair. You are trying to contact the betrayed spouse and he's distancing himself. He's agreed to a separation. When asked, my H wouldn't even agree to that.

I don't know why he seems so angry with me. When I spoke to him Thursday morning he told me he loved me and hugged me good-bye. Then I spoke with him Thursday evening very very briefly and that's the last I've had contact with him. What could I have possibly done to make him so mad?

One email?! That's all I've done. My daughter is crying for daddy. Although this isn't his bio daughter, he's the only father she's known.

There's no guarantee that he'll come back if I totally give him his space, right? Is there any idea how many marriages work when this approach is taken and how many fail anyway?

I wish I could be of more help. Your email was brief and honest, and I see nothing wrong with having sent it. I have no idea what is going on inside your H's head right now.

You say last Thurs. was the last contact you had with him. What was said at that time?

I cannot imagine what it is like to have a daughter lonely for her daddy, or what it is like to scramble for an answer to her questions about where he is. My heart goes out to you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There's no guarantee that he'll come back if I totally give him his space, right? Is there any idea how many marriages work when this approach is taken and how many fail anyway? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Indeed, there's no guarrantee. If I could turn back time, I don't know if I'd move out again. I have no idea how many marriages work with this approach. I think it's a dangerous one, because now my H and I have become like strangers to an extent and have to get to know each other again. I do know that most of the marriages in recovery that have spouses posting on MB didn't have one of the spouses leave home, they stuck it out. I have a lot of respect and admiration for them.

Is there an agreed upon time when your H will next be coming to see your daughter?

Sorry I can't be of more help.

Jen

I'm not sure if you've read up on the whole story about what happened on Wednesday night with the kids and the fact that he left and then returned two hours later asking to stay the night and then I asked him Thursday morning why he came back and he said because he was tired and I told him that I didn't want him to come home and ask to stay just because it's convenient. I told him that I wanted him in the house and I wanted him back in this marriage, but only because his heart was in it and he was willing to try and not because it was a convenience.

Later that morning, I took him money from his paycheck and told him that I had to talk to child support recovery about stopping my direct deposit of the child support. He asked me why and I told him that I had set myself up a new account at the bank, but had left the joint account open. He asked why and I told him it was no different than him stopping his check from coming to the house.

Then I invited him to go trick or treating with my daughter and me. He's a fireman and stated that he would probably be at the fire station helping to pass out glow in the dark necklaces and candy. I saw him at the fire station and didn't say anything for a while. Then I walked up to him and asked how his day had been and he told me. That's about it until I got ready to leave and I told him that if he hadn't ate any supper and needed something to eat, he could come out and look in the frig. at home. He said, "O.K." and I haven't seen, heard or talked to him since until today's email.

That is really odd! Your last face to face encounter seemed normal enough.

My only guess is that he is busy thinking about what you said about not coming home because it is convenient, but because his heart was in it and he was willing to try.

I hope he doesn't leave you guessing any longer.

Jen

HI Ferbie -

I'm new here..just had D-Day on Wed. So..I really don't know what to tell you. I too, have a hard time understanding my H. One minute he says one thing, the next the other. I too an anxious, and want answers. And I have a hard time not contacting him. AGH its so very hard, especially when you don't understand and when you are blind-sided. Hang in there, I'm trying to as well....

I did buy the Love Busters book today, so far, its good reading....