It is good for me to hear somebody ask that question. I am the WS. We are 27+ years into our marriage. We started to live seperate lives (about 20 years ago) I asked for marriage counseling and was told that he was happy and if there was a problem it was my problem. When I pushed the issue he left for 6 weeks because he wasn't sure he wanted to be married. During that separ ation I came to the conclusion that I was expecting too much and that 'love' is an action verb more than a feeling. I had promised to love him and love him I would. I threw myself into our childern and church. We developed into wonderful roommates.

Last year my childern left home and I watched my father die. I have never felt more emotionally abandoned. After I returned home (I had spent several weeks with my mother after the funeral) I found myself totally alone. H was up at the club whenever he wasn't at work.

I didn't look for and A. When an old boyfriend I hadn't seen in 30 years started talking to me via e-mail, I really didn't expect it to lead where it did - a serious EA. I loved my H then and I love my H now. I didn't have any sense that my H loved me. The EA lasted 2 1/2 months and would quite likely have become a PA if my H had not discovered what was taking place. I thank God that he did, he saved me from myself! H also questions how I could do such a thing if I love him. For me it is not a simple black and white answer. I take full responsibility for the choices I made BUT there is culpability to be addressed on the other side of the equation.

This may not be something anybody wants to hear but I needed to have the opportunity to voice it.

hello, OnecanHope,

Have you looked at your poll? The questions are:

"I am new here and I do not understand these optoins" and "I do not understand these options"

I do not understand EITHER option!.....however, I believe that one can love and still have an affair but that the fog gets in the way of seeing the love.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by onecanhope:
<strong>H also questions how I could do such a thing if I love him. For me it is not a simple black and white answer.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How you could do such a thing while you still love your H is going for years having your emotional needs DEPRIVED. The conditions that he helped set up in your marriage led to this affair. If you deprived your H of sex for years on end, chances are great that he would look elsewhere to get his needs met. He might still love you, but the opportunity to get his unmet needs met elsewhere would be great. That is what happened with you. As you said, though, you are still 100% culpable for your choices.

Have you printed off the emotional needs questionaire? That would be a good starting place for you both.

The options I don't understand have to do with posting the poll.

All I was really trying to do is speak up. We are working on recovery but the road is very hard. He is angry and doesn't trust me. (I have lied to protect him from any knowledge that the withdrawl was challenging. Poor excuse!) I am angry and don't trust him. (He tends to pick through everything I say and, after reading the journal I keep for my counselor, everything I think with a dental pick!) I get tired of being shamed for my behavoir when it took both of us to get here. I think we will make it. We both have a lot of healing to do and the fact we are both hanging in there says a lot.

onecanhope,

I am not going to be nice and join the poll to validate your fog instead I will bring 2x4 to knock your sense out.

It is not the question but what is your intention to ask. Everyone could fall in to A, even BS w/ the right situation. The question here is what are you going to do afterward ?. You suppose to end your A, see How A should end and also follow the 4 rules of recovery.

About your fog. You won't get any support here to justify to continue your A. We are her to save M and your intention is not. Learn as much as you can about ENs, LB, LB$ & POJA, and basic concept. You will see that H fillin some of your ENs and your OM fillin some too. What you need to do is joinly agree and let H to fillin ENs that were fillin by OM. I always say, give me a woman that is willing to do 4 gifts of love, we will in-love by the end of 6 months. You could do it. If you truly love your H and want to save your M ... get NC w/ OM, honestly explain everything and nothing to hide (spare H feeling) about A then print LBQ, ENQ & RAQ, one for you and one for your H. Read how to negotiate (POJA). Fill it in then find a quite time away from everthing, phone, children to discuss it.

You just realized that "Falling in Love is intentional (Steve Harley)". Now you have to work on it ... you might even have to plan A you H if he is reluctant participant.

Good luck.

Note: During withdrawal is normal to feel and long for ENs that OM fill in.

<small>[ November 03, 2002, 12:44 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Onecanhope,

I'm also new on the board. I am a BS and a WS. My H has had 2 affairs and I also had an affair (which has been over for a long time). H's first affair preceeded mine - early in our marriage. I never proved it at the time, but I suspected. During that time he was cold, critical and truly not meeting my needs. But he vehemently denied having an affair. It was a very difficult time for me and I had a lot of underlying anger and resentment. My own affair followed his and it was a bit of revenge and a bit of desire to get my needs met.

Your question was "Can you love and still have an A"? That is a tough one, because I have thought a lot about how my H could say he loved me while being so intimate with another. And yet, I felt I have always loved my H even during the time I was having an affair. So, I think that love is not always perfect. We are imperfect people and our love for another can ebb and flow with circumstances and stage of life. In a long term marriage there are times you grow apart. But what I believe most of all, is that even though love may weaken it CAN come back. That happened with H and I and we are really doing well at two years from D-day.

When was your D-day? Sounds like your H is still hurting and you are too. Each has to take responsibility for the condition of the marraige. But only the person having the affair is responsible for that behavior. Of course he doesn't trust you. But your counselor should be giving you some guidance with communication so that the affair can be discussed in a way that is helful not harmful to the marriage. You're feeling defensive for being picked on and that is natural. No one likes to have behavior thrown in their face, especially if they are truly remorseful. But what you are seeing is deep hurt and fear in your H. Fear that you will do it again, fear that he will lose you, fear that you don't love him. Ask him what you can do to fill his needs right now. What kind of reassurance is he looking for? Try to truly hear his pain rather than getting defensive. Healing comes in stages and right now he is looking for reassurance.

I hope you have a good marriage counselor. We went weekly in the beginning. One thing we did was to agree to not talk about the affair except at specified times. So if I had something that was bothering me, I would ask for a time to sit down and talk. We both practiced really listening to the others feelings without throwing blame. Then when the conversation was over, we put the affair in the background again. Sometimes if an issue got too sensitive we agreed to put it off till the next counseling session.

Anyway, those were just some of the strategies that helped. I wish you luck. Sounds like you do love your H. You just have to convince him.

SS

I appreciate the feedback I have been given here today. You are correct that we are both still hurting. I would like to clear a few details up though. It wasn't my intent to ask a question when I posted but rather to respond to the question that another person posted. Being new at this, I messed up the posting process and ended up with a 'poll'. I am not looking for validation for bad behavoir. I ended the affair when it was discovered. I have had no contact with the OM in over a year. Because I lied to my H about not experiencing withdrawl early in the recovery process, he isn't ready to believe me that I am beyond it now. I do get frustrated and angry about that. That is my problem. I am no longer in a fog but I am in counseling and will probably remain in counseling for quite some time. As far as marriage counseling goes. It doesn't. He agreed to see a counselor with me for 2 visits and decided we could do this alone. We are using whatever resources we can find from Dr. Phill to Dr. H.. The emotional needs survey has been helpful. Reestablishing trust is challenging. Neither one of us is willing to give up.