And here I thought I had a good thing going. I’m back in the house, have resumed my role as a full-time dad and doing the things I did before I was removed from the house. I avoid WW as much as possible, kept things on a ‘business level’ and let her do her own thing. Basically setting it up so we were separated, but I had the benefit of living in the house.

Then I read the latest installment of the MB newsletter and WHAM, Steve goes and asks those 2 questions about the ideal relationship. And guess what, I answer them exactly as he expected! So then I really start thinking about what Steve says about how the ideal relationship is being in love with my kids mother and being in love with WW. I try to put it out of my head because I have too many other things going on, but it just keeps coming back.

So, yesterday, I’m sitting in the family room playing with S and WW comes into the kitchen to talk on the phone. I glance over at her and those questions pop back into my head. I try to ignore them, but I keep looking at her and thinking about what Steve says. Now I’m starting to wonder if what I am doing is the right thing, if there still isn’t a chance on our M being saved and I am not capitalizing on it. I am starting to realize that I still love WW and would really like to spend the rest of my life with her (why else would we have made it though almost 14 years), but there are some serious issues that are preventing me from moving forward with any recovery efforts.
WW does have a serious drinking problem and is very far removed both emotionally and physically from me and the kids. These 2 things are really what keeps me from making any serious efforts at working on the M. But now I am thinking that maybe there is a way I can help WW address these problems, get a handle on them and see if this is what is preventing her from moving forward with the recovery of the M.

I have realized that one of WW’s biggest EN’s is conversation, but I don’t fulfill it because the only time she wants to talk is when she is smoking and drinking, some of the biggest turn-offs I have. So when she wants to talk, I tell her I have other things to do and ignore her. But maybe there is a way I can fulfill this need without having to deal with the smoking and drinking. The kids are all in school so I’m thinking that I’ll invite her out to lunch sometime, nothing fancy, just a chance for us to be together in a neutral environment. And, I’ll try and have small conversations at home, nothing serious, just little “how was your day” stuff and see where that goes.

I might as well take advantage of me being in the house, who knows, maybe something good will come of it, and if not, at least I tried, right?

Hi Loveherstill... I would definitely plan a- with alanon detachment.... have you been? You need to if dealing with , loving, an alcoholic, it is wonderful....! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think it is fine to love her- show her your love... but take care of you... OK?

I know how hard the battle is with loving a drinker/ smoker, etc.... they are dousing their feelings with this.. and the op's.

YOu can save your family, be patient, have faith, hopefully God and come here and have alanon.

I will start looking for your posts, now that i know what you are dealing with. I know I have read yours before but did not recall the alcoholism... or maybe just a drinking issue?

Anyway, don't bring up her "problems" to her... love her as she is... let her deal with those issues...

Hugs, HONEY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Honey-

Thanx for the reply. I grew up with an alcoholic father and know all too well the devastation it brings. When each kid was born, I promised them that I would never let them grow up with an alcoholic father. WW also grew up with an alcoholic step-dad and mom so she also knows how devastating it is. She has told me many times how miserable her childhood was because of this, yet here she is making her own kids relive the mistakes her parents made, I guess that is what makes me so mad. WW is a smart woman and can accomplish anything she sets her mind to and I know she can beat this, if she would only take that first step and really admit she has a problem.

I would like to help her, if not for the sake of the M, but for the sake of the kids. Oldest D already is showing a lot of anger and bitterness towards WW for her drinking. You have mentioned Alanon several times, maybe its time I check it out as well and see what they can offer both me and the kids.

Whether the M works out or not isn’t the primary concern right now. I don’t want these kids growing up hating their mother. If there is anything I can do about it, I owe it to them to do it. I plan on being around for a long time and on a personal level, I don’t want to have to deal with the kids anger towards their mom the rest of my life. And, WW and I are going to have to have some kind of relationship for the rest of our lives too, especially with the kids and possible grandkids.

I’m going to try and have some personal time with WW in way and place where alcohol wont be around. I need to reconnect myself with her, let her know I care, and let her know I am willing to help. But, I will need to make it clear that I wont be a part of her drinking nor will I condone it. She is the only one who can really help herself with that, but I will support her when she does finally make that effort.

I hate it when people continue the cycle!! I also grew up with an alcholic father, and my childhood was hell!! I had a self esteem quota of less than zero when I finally 'escaped' and left home 2 weeks after graduating high school. I blamed alot of my problems on my childhood and then wham! One day I realized I was an adult and it was my choice to self-heal and be a confident adult. It took years but I did it and I VOWED to myself that my kids would not have an unhappy childhood..that was a promise to myself. Do not let her continue the cycle. Kids never forget the pain and unhappiness that is given to them as a result of an alcoholic parent!!

If your WW has this problem..you must help her and help yourself and your children. Otherwise, how will you ever move forward?

loveherstill

Your brushing her off when she wants to talk to you only makes it more likely that again she'll look somewhere else to look for that EN (like she did with xOM) and a rehashing of the past is the LAST thing you and your kids need right now. Besides listening to her does not mean that you have to give in to any demand of hers.

As far as her alocholism is concerned, I too agree that going to Al Anon is good for your peace of mind and because they can help you and your kids to deal with her drinking in a constructive fashion.

Kimmy- when WW and I started first dating, her youngest sister was a few years older than my oldest D is now. I can still remember the hatred WW’s sister expressed towards their mom, I mean 100% bitterness and hatred, it really scared me and prevented me from having a normal relationship with WW’s sister. I can see a lot of that same stuff in oldest D now, she can act the same way towards WW and that really scares me. I had a drinking problem before I met WW and beat it only with the grace of God and a lot of hard work on my part, so I know what it is all about. I also know it is easier to live life sober than it is to live it drunk or hung-over all the time.

TMCM- yes, I know that blowing her off when she wants to talk will only increase the chances of this happening again. I just need to figure out a way we can talk on neutral ground because when she drinks, I just completely shut her out, a want absolutely nothing to do with that anymore. I’ll try asking her out to lunch or something like that and see what happens.

I’m looking into Al-anon as well. But, not sure what will happen with that and how receptive WW will be to it. I’ll start out going by myself and see where it goes from there. WW is still the primary care giver and can legally interfere if she wants, hopefully that wont happen, but if it does, I guess I’ll have to exercise my legal rights as a dad as well.

The kids went through hell with the A and now this, I know if something doesn’t change soon, they will be scared for a long time and that just isn’t fair to them.

Your WW's sister reminds me of how I used to be before I realized I had to change. I absolutely hated my father and was extremely bitter and felt 'ripped off'. How dare he prevent me from having a happy childhood! Anyway, now I just look at it as that what we've experienced makes us who we are today. I have no real relationship with my father, but I also do not hate him any longer. It took me a long time to get over the hate but it can happen. I don't know if we'll ever have a proper father/daughter relationship..somehow I doubt it. BUT the good thing is my children really enjoy him and he is good to them, even though they only see each other maybe twice a year (we live far away from each other). So..that's good and that somehow makes it 'okay' for me.

So..go to Al-Anon. It's a step you can take to help your kids, especially if you know the heartache of alcoholism yourself.

Do you have any relationship with your sister-in-law now? Is she still bitter?

Kimmy- I know what you mean about blaming others for your unhappiness. It took me along time to finally accept it myself and quit being angry at my dad for his drinking and not being there for me. We have a heck of a lot beter relationship now, thank God.

WW still does blame her parents for her unhappiness, says that she may never recover from the things they did to her. That is so sad becasue I think this mind-set is a big factor in how she is now. It is like she is repeating the cycle over again.

Thanx for your reply, I appreciate your openess and its great to hear that you too have moved past these problems of childhood. By the way, I have a pretty good relationship with both of WW's sisters. They live far away so I dont see them too much and dont talk to them much, buts thats because I tend to be an introvert.

Then I read the latest installment of the MB newsletter and WHAM, Steve goes and asks those 2 questions about the ideal relationship. And guess what, I answer them exactly as he expected! So then I really start thinking about what Steve says about how the ideal relationship is being in love with my kids mother and being in love with WW.
These questions are made for the spouse (usually ws) who decides they do not want to be in the marriage while the other spouse (usually bs) does want the marriage.

However, if one spouse is doing nothing to repiar the marriage/having an affair, then the q's are not to try & convince the bs to save the marriage. But, yu should (as the bs) do what you can before deciding to NOT want to be married.

Chris-
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But, yu should (as the bs) do what you can before deciding to NOT want to be married.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And that is exactly what those 2 questions did, made realize that I still wanted to fight for the M and my family. I was starting to get into the frame of mind that there was nothing left to do and was really letting go. But now, I think there is still a chance, that I have more in me to give to this M.

So here I go, slowly and with firm boundaries, but ready to give it one more chance.