If you have been following my story, as you well know, it's now less than a week until the 3 month mark since my H and I have seen each other.

I just read a post that talked about asking one's spouse "open ended questions" so they can't answer with just "yes" or "no", so that it really opens up communication.

I am a little nervous to ask you folks about this, but heck, you may provide me with some clarity of thought about how I come across and what I communicate to be important to me.

What sorts of things do you think I ought to
a) tell my H
b) ask my H
when I talk to him later this week?

Of course, my main message that I want to get across to him is that I have learned a lot, realized many things, am still truly sorry and remorseful for what I have done to him and our marriage, and that I still want nothing more than to work to save our marriage. Specifically, I would like to try spending time with my H again, eg. dating. (I am not interested in just moving home immediately.)

(Right now I plan to phone him at the end of the week, and ask to arrrange a time and place to meet and talk. As one poster said, I will treat it like it's a given that we are supposed to meet now to talk, instead of asking if we can get together to talk. So I am going to assume I get to talk to him, and that he won't continue to shut me out. I do have a fear of him doing that though....)

So if you have positive, helpful things to post, I would appreciate any ideas or suggestions.

Thanks for helping to get me this far!

Jen

Ooohhh!! Allow me in on this one!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Your best bet, is to keep R talk to a bare minimum. Plant some seeds, and then let him be responsible for initiating that kind of talk later. Seed planting? I think you already have a good grasp on what to say there. Lots of "I" statements. They're simple facts. They don't accuse him of anything. They just state how you are feeling. "I have been looking so forward to this 3 months being up. I am so anxious to talk to you and see how you are doing. I can't wait to meet with you for lunch/dinner/coffee. etc".

What you should ask your H? IMO, you should ask him about himself, for the most part. "Hi, how are you? What have you been up to?", "Did you see 'x' on tv the other week, what did you think about it?". Small talk mostly. But I think it's going to be a necessary first step. You and your H have had NC for a long time. You're basically strangers to each other, and in some respects, you need to treat your meeting that way (as though you would on a 'first date').

Karen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Topie25:
"I have been looking so forward to this 3 months being up. I am so anxious to talk to you and see how you are doing. I can't wait to meet with you for lunch/dinner/coffee. etc".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I thought this was good. I have a small change ... it's nitpicky and colloquial, but it's worth pointing out. Don't say you're anxious. The root word is anxiety. Say, instead, you're eager.

Jen ... I hope things work out the way you want. I look forward to the day my WW feels like you do. You, like so many others here, lend me hope.

Ask him out for lunch or dinner or ask him to attend church with you. Write him poetry expressing your love for him. Send him humorous jokes. Invite him to go hiking, sailing etc. Tell him that you want always be his friend whether or not the marriage survives.

Thanks for all the good suggestions so far. Indeed "eager" is better than "anxious".

One thing I am wary about is this: A natural question would be, "How is your family?" But, my H's dad was in the hospital for about a week (as best as I can tell) while we've been apart, and they chose not to contact me, and if I ask that question, it may turn to a discussion of why I wasn't told, or why my H is probably mad at me for finding out from a friend of a friend and sending flowers, etc. BUT if I don't ask how his dad and his family are, I'll look like a selfish person, won't I? My gut tells me to ask anyway, but it may sound like I am fishing for details my H doesn't want to give me....

I am also very afraid of my H being unwilling to communicate, or barely responding and me turning into a babbling baboon.

How do I get over my fears? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I am always afraid of saying the wrong thing and upsetting my H and destroying any chance I have of persuading him to try to save this marriage.....It's probably not healthy for me to be afraid of my own H, when he's never been abusive, but rejection hurts just as much perhaps.

Gee whiz this message board is quiet on weekends....when I have time on my hands because I am alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I guess most people access MB during the work day or something. That and most of you have families, I know.

I am eager to hear any and all suggestions you folks may have.

Yes I am trying to meet my EN for conversation using MB. Sad but true. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Jen

What you need to remember is your husband is probably just as nervous and wondering what he is going to say to you. It is normal under the circumstances. The best way to deal with this is to look happy (even if you don't feel it) and be cordial. When you see him try to break the ice by giving him a hug as you would a friend you didn't see for long time. Don't get into a serious discussion. Keep it light. Compliment him. Tell him he looks good and remember to look happy. Try to arrange to meet him in a very exclusive exotic restaurant which will help loosen him up especially after he has had some wine.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Try to arrange to meet him in a very exclusive exotic restaurant which will help loosen him up especially after he has had some wine. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You've got me laughing now, thanks Tomaz. I am not sure I want to get him drunk, considering my drunkeness one night is what got us where we are, but gee that sounds like fun.

Thanks for making me smile! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jen

Hi Jen,
I don't have much to add, except that I'm cheering for you.

Be yourself, and do give him that HUG.

Take care,
H_P

I agree, stick with "I" statements, not "you" statements. Don't get your expectations too high in case you are let down. Remember recovery is in "baby steps."

Your H probably doesn't trust you and may even think you are still in A after all this time. He may ask you about it.

I think your desire is to have this meeting be the first of many meetings in which you slowly recover, figure out what went wrong together (I advise counselling with Steve Harley), and slowly gain love & trust again and then stick to the special rules to avoid having an A happen again.

So, I would recommend you do not spend most of the time talking about M or R or OR or OM or any of that stuff. It'll probably come up but you don't want it to overwhelm you or your H. Instead show your interest in his life and what he has been doing. Show him you missed him not just by saying it but by asking questions about his interests and life. Questions that show genuine interest not snooping questions.

If/when talk occurs about your A etc... then tell H how you feel, what you've learned about yourself, and your role as a W in the M, about communication, honesty, and say while you are not expert in Rs, you have changed and are continuing to change.

good luck!

Hi Jen Brown,

Think about this.........rather than asking about his family-especially his father who was in the hospital-how about simply saying I hope all is well with your family, and that your dad is doing much better now.

You can say the right things without any questions at all. I wish you luck-and I hope for the best for you both.

I am into month 41 since D-Day............we are still together and probably always will be but as much as time may heal it still carries pain with it. My older son was jsut here for his birthday dinner and he wnated to look for his old baseball videos. He ended up putting in a video of my now 10 yr olds 5th birthday-which was taped by the former OW (my ex best friend). I feel great pain tonight-reliving what was done to me.................

Do whats right-for everyone involved.

Hi Jen!
I am praying for you. I hope everything works out the way you want it.
You deserve it. I'm with you all the way. I hope your husband will see what a great gift you are giving him. Sound wierd? Not to me. If my Wife could grow and understand what she has done the way you have and then WANT to actually come back and give me the gift of another chance, I would love it. It takes a lot of courage and strength in yourself to do what you are trying to do.

I'll be thinking of you all week. Keep us posted.

HW

Thanks so much for all of your replies, encouragement, and prayers. I really appreciate it!!

Aanast - Indeed, I am really trying to keep my expectations low. This is hard to do though when what I want more than anything is for both of us to make this marriage work.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Show him you missed him not just by saying it but by asking questions about his interests and life. Questions that show genuine interest not snooping questions. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like a good idea, but this will be very difficult to do. Any questions about how he's kept himself busy or what he's been up to socially or at work will probably lead to him thinking that I am snooping and wanting to know if he's been spending time with his female EA work colleague/friend.

heartache - I like that alternative about bringing up my FIL's health, thanks for the idea. I am sorry to hear about tonight's trigger and the pain it caused you. I can foresee similar events in my (our) future I guess. If we get back together, one of the first steps we'll have to take is removing my H's former BF's picture from all our photo albums I guess.

happinesswithin - thanks so much for your kind, positive words. I just hope I come across loud and clear to my H the same way I have in my posts (as far as understanding, remorse and awareness, etc).

Now about that hug....gosh it would be so nice....could bring me to instant tears though....or cause him to push me away.....hmmmmm, must think on that one.

I heard on some TLC or Life Network type tv show last night that one hug from a man to a woman is better than a shot of morphine or two Tylenol 3s because of the positive endorphins it causes a woman to release in her system. So guys, hug your wives! And no wonder I've said sadly to myself so many times, I wish I had someone to hug....

Jen

Jen

I haven't got much to add to what the wise people here are saying, but maybe look at this from a slightly different perspective.

Jen, what is the worst that can happen? Your H may tell you that he does not want to continue the M. This is I am sure your biggest fear. Jen, I do hope that this is not the case, but you have been living your life now for 3 months and have made huge strides in recovering and forgiving yourself. Of course, it will break your heart if this is what your H wants, but you have been preparing YOURSELF for you, and your heart has been breaking anyway. You will live and cope if this is the case - not perhaps as you want to with your H, but you will survive, and you have learnt so much about yourself. You are a better person whatever the outcome of the meeting.

I do hope that this is not the case and your H can see how remorseful you are and all the things you have done to repair and change yourself. He knows you better than anyone Jen, and I'm sure he'll see the positive changes in you.

Stay strong and I wish you the very very best from London. I will be sending you positive vibes across the Ocean all week!!

Lisa

P.S. Sorry, I do not want this to appear negative, but sometimes it helps me to confront my fears and know that if it comes to the worst, I will still be able to cope.

Okay Jen... let's say that your H tells you that he misses you greatly, and would very much like to work on the M again.

What are you going to do? What is your plan? What are your boundaries? (boundaries being a biggie of course... and I'm especially worried about you doing what I did, and taking him home too soon, before he gets help with his own issues. Yes, I'm talking about the pornography. Yes, that's b/c of what I'm dealing with with my own H right now. But it's a genuine concern nonetheless.).

Karen

Jen:

"Thanks for all the good suggestions so far. Indeed "eager" is better than "anxious"."

Indeedarooney! ...Although "looking forward 2" is even better than "eager." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Jen:

"I heard on some TLC or Life Network type tv show last night that one hug from a man to a woman is better than a shot of morphine or two Tylenol 3s because of the positive endorphins it causes a woman to release in her system. So guys, hug your wives! And no wonder I've said sadly to myself so many times, I wish I had someone to hug...."

I didn't KNOW this!!! I'm going 2 hug my W the minute she walks through that door in a 2ple of hours!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Jen:

"Thanks for all the good suggestions so far. Indeed "eager" is better than "anxious"."

Indeedarooney! ...Although "looking forward 2" is even better than "eager." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

"Looking foward 2" it will be, 2 long. Eager was still too "eager". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I wonder what the effect of a hug from a woman on a man is.....can some of you do some field testing for me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The crappy thing about hugging a man is half the time you guys seem annoyed when we try to do it. WHY??? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The crappy thing about hugging a man is half the time you guys seem annoyed when we try to do it. WHY???

Jen
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Huh? speak for yourself sister, I love it when the women in my life (fiancee and daughters) give me an unexpected hug. It makes me feel alive and renews my spirit for the fights that lie ahead. Maybe it's a cultural thing.

jen, yes like many I have followed your story. also, like many I think you were set up. that is put into a situation where human nature caused you to fall victum to something beyond your control , many will say no way she made a decision , but how many of those have ever been put into such a situation. you are a good person, and if your husband did knowingly set you up he ,in no way deserves you. from your writings you come across as a beautiful person. when you meet with him . meet with the attitude that he is the problem not you. reinforce this attitude by a repetitous reciting that he is the problem. keep your poise and let him talk if he will. if he doesnt talk, then respectfully take you leave. protect yourself. and God bless you.