jen, yes like many I have followed your story. also, like many I think you were set up. that is put into a situation where human nature caused you to fall victum to something beyond your control , many will say no way she made a decision , but how many of those have ever been put into such a situation. you are a good person, and if your husband did knowingly set you up he ,in no way deserves you. from your writings you come across as a beautiful person. when you meet with him . meet with the attitude that he is the problem not you. reinforce this attitude by a repetitous reciting that he is the problem. keep your poise and let him talk if he will. if he doesnt talk, then respectfully take you leave. protect yourself. and God bless you.

Jen ... thinking of you as your day draws near.

Gosh Joell,

You really have me taken aback here. I have finally gotten to the point where I take full responsibility for all of this, and now I have to take a step back for a minute and reconsider my position.

I was going to go in to this potential meeting with the attitude that I am very sorry for the cruel, hurtful thing(s) I have done, and would like the chance to try to show my H how I've changed my attitude and will treat him better. I intend to request that we try spending time together first, rather than me just moving home. This is because I thought I better not dare to request that he treat me better, but thought that I would test the waters and see how he does treat me.

Any attempts on my part to lay blame on people other than myself fall on his deaf ears.

One thing to consider as well is that perhaps in his hurt state he too made some foolish choices (eg. to listen and not interrupt, to kick me out of my own camper and repeatedly encourage me to sleep in the same tent with OM), which also got us here. I can dream that he will realize his errors in this area someday, but ultimately I could've said no, I could've walked away, I could've told my H that things were getting out of hand. Ultimately it was my decision to "stray". (Although I do appreciate your support Joell!)

But your final phrase will ring in my ears, "protect yourself." That I intend to do, no matter what. I have better boundaries now, no more doormat Jen (if I can help it).

What do the rest of you think? Am I on the right track? Or do you agree with Joell?

Jen

You have been so much on my mind. I agree protect yourself without being defensive. One thing I think is crucial that you not do is engage in intimate contact immediately with him.
Who knows where he is at on any level but I seem to remember that before your separation he stooped to some petty I will have sex with you but I wont acknowledge you in any other way behavior. I have no idea what he may do just like you but in terms of protection you are right on track about the taking it slow. I think for your own strength early intimate contact may break your emotional bank. Just a thought.

praying for you Jen

ayslyne

ayslyne,

Thanks for your post and your encouraging words. Indeed no intimate contact for him until I feel emotionally secure with him again, which could really take some time. I wouldn't put it beneath him to pretend he wants to work on things just to get some sex. He's a very horny boy sometimes. (Can I type that on here? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

I just had a good chat on the phone with my mom, and remembered some of the negatives that go with my H's parents and their controlling nature. To an extent, I will be testing the waters to see how my H treats me, and to see if the in-laws are still going to be a problem as well. I guess I need to decide if I want to stay married to my H AND his parents, since they are never far away, right???

BIG QUESTION: What do I do if my H says he needs more time??? If he's not ready to talk yet??? OR, what if he refuses to answer the phone or call me back???

JB

If he does "need more time" or not return your calls. Don't pursue to the point of stalker.

You can always try writing him letters expressing your desire to make amends, your learning about changes, and trying to change, your apology, your belief that this marriage can work, your hope that you both can get counselling together.

Have you tried calling Steve Harley to talk? He's the best.

Thanks aanast. No, I haven't talked to Steve Harley, and I'm not really interested in it right now. Maybe once I know where my H is at.

Anyone else got any more thoughts, opinions or advice to share? The big question being what to do if my H continues to shut me out of his life?

JB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jen Brown:
<strong>what to do if my H continues to shut me out of his life?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd say, you need to start by examining how you would feel about that, should it happen. Then go with your feelings, and decide what is the most appropriate course of action to take from there. If you find that you are very angry for example, then work on your anger issues before confronting your H again. If what you feel is ambivilence, then continue with moving on with your life.

And most importantly, keep in mind that you cannot change him. IMO, if he were to continue to choose to keep you out of his life, then he's making a HUGE mistake. But that's HIS loss. By now, you should already realize what a great person you are. And with that, you really don't need your H. Especially if he can't open his eyes to see what he has. (this all goes for my H too... so I'm sorry if it doesn't fit your situation too. I just needed to get that out... for both of us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).

Karen

Wish I could add something, JB, but unfortunately, i am the KING of "being shut out", so I can hardly give you advice, save try to love, and keep trying.

My W answers questions saying things like "what if my answer is that I can't give you and answer yet?"....