when I need to ask questions of spouse regarding details or his affair and the OW, he gets very angry.I feel it's to protect or defend OW. Hurts me. is this a normal reaction of men who have done this or what? Would appreciate any info from men who have had affairs. men think so differently than us women, it's hard to compare the same info from ladies. thank you. LouLou

I would also like to know.

I can only speak from my experience, but my WH felt like it was okay for me to know the general info, but HATED to tell any specifics. I can also tell you that now I wish I had let him keep some of those things to himself! I still can't wait to have enough money to buy a new bed!!! Just a thought!

PQ

?Anyone else?

HI LadyLou,

I am a WS that confessed an A, just this weekend as a matter of fact.

It is very difficult to describe to your S that you had an A with OP. You are completely devastating your BS. My wife was catatonic most of this weekend, when she responded it wasn't pretty. I never thought of what it would do to her while the A occured it was all about me. I am ashamed and humilated. Which in the grand scheme of things is nothing becasue my BS is humilitaed, betrayed, feels raped and that is not even the tip of the iceberg.

The act of the A itself was heartless, cruel and selfish and there is no excuse, none. Not wanting to divuldge the details can be a matter of pride, a matter of hiding something, i.e. the A is not over, or not completely taking the responsibility for deed.

As of yet I have had to handle few questions about the OW, most of the response has been how could you have done this, etc.

When I have had to answer questions about the OW... I can't describe the feeling... To look at MW and tell her about initimate details I shared with the OW makes me take a very deep look at myslef, and I DON'T want to look there. However, not to divuldge those details is another act of selfishness. IMO even though it hurts to take a very deep look at yourself and look at what you've done for what it really is, that hurt in self reflection is nothing compared to the hurt caused to the BS.

Your WS owes you any and ALL of details you wish to know. Don't stand for any less it violates the concept of radical honesty.

You may have you WS spouse post here and I'll respond if it would help.

HI everyone...yes my H doesnt want to disclose any details about the A. For example the other day i was mentioning how it is difficult for you to expresss how you (H) feel and to give me compliments when needed. He agreed he had a problem with that. I then asked him could he compliment the OW. He then said Hon, please, i dont want to get into that. Well, the whole thing is i guess i got my answer. So obviously that hurt my feelings. These questions have been discussed here on MB before. How much do we really need to know? ....A/C0810

I'd like the answer to that also...

Baby

Thank you Froz,A/CO810 and pgstill. I appreciate your replies. My H has answered a lot, but I still feel things unsaid. And the imaginations are worse than truth. I just feel he has this respect over her and not me. She does live 2000 miles away so she's not in the picture. It all started with internet contact, Old HS sweetheart and then flying to meet in Fl twice. She lives in Louisiana. But he has returned to church with me, says it's over and it was a selfish, stupid thing. Married 30 yrs here and it happened, the trips, just last year 2 weeks after our 29th.I'm not giving up after this much of my life given to this marriage! I am Christian and trying to forgive also. But I just feel this thing that he had to love her more than I. In fact, he said so when he first came home. I had found out and called them the night before where they were shacked up. That is how he found out I knew! He was gone a week and the next day he was due home, and did come home. All contrite in a way, but said he loved her. Now it's me and not here. Too confusing. Thank you all again. God bless, LadyLou

Just wanted to mention my ws, thinks that when I say soemthing bad about OP, it is bad reflection on HIM as a person since he was WITH her. OM GOODNESS? Excuse me. RIght now I am trying hard not to offend him in any way , so I am not talking about it, at the moment. In the beginning we talked about it more and it hrut... and brought up fights and arguments.

THe level of no lbs has gone way down since we quit discussing it. F unny , every onece in a while he will say something bad about OP.

Hugs and THanks, gotta work tonight, will ck bk later.

Honey

This topic is probably the number one I've seen in the few short months I've been active on the board. As a BS and a FWS, I can relate both sides.

In general, it is normal to want the details. Now, when my S told me about her As, she answered questions for a few days. And as I told her mine, I didn't even wait for questions. I just wanted to get it off my chest and probably had the intention of showing her she wasn't the scumbag she felt she was.

Now she doesn't like to talk details. She said she didn't want to hurt me.

I've come to realize a few things in these months: First, she probably doesn't want to hurt me anymore than she has. Heck, I let her stay home, and that was a big leap for us.

Second, I don't think she's protecting the OM, and if she is it's out of loyalty to the friendship they once had. However, she did allow me to go talk to him once and feared the details he would provide would prompt me to boot her out. They didn't, and frankly, I didn't want details from him.

As of today, the question of details is largely unresolved. She has said she will be comfortable talking about them in the future, but I'm not sure if that's a timeframe I pick or her. Frankly, I'm not pursuing it at this time as I've more important things to do, like make up for being a [censored] for 18 years and so on.

My IC made an interesting point, one that kind of runs contrary to MB philosophy. He said why worry about the details. It happened. That's all you need to know.
Some say you need details to adequately forgive. Well, maybe.
Others say detail helps you accept what has happened. Uh, ok.

I believe it's really about this: We, the BS, want details because we want to understand what was going on during the As. But, as Dr. Phil has said, you cannot rationalize adulterous behavior. It is inherently irrational. I certainly cannot rationalize my As, but at the time they made perfect sense.

Let's put it this way: If your S was a recovering drug user, would you ask about every time he or she used drugs? Probably not. You'd want to know some pertinent details, like how they accessed the drug, etc. But in the end, that info only serves to give you a false sense of security because you believe that armed with the info you can spot trends that could lead to another A. The reality is, if your S wants to cheat again, he or she can and will find a way.

Instead of details, search for underlying themes. What caused the need for this person to search for another? What weakened the marital bond so that he or she turned elsewhere? What did you do to contribute to the climate? What did he or she do? What can both of you do to make sure it doesn't happen again?

Harley says one thing I really have a serious problem with. He says he never trusts his spouse. That, in and of itself, speaks volumes. You simply cannot control your spouse, and any efforts to place guards and defenses around them is bound to fail.

You can, however, establish personal boundaries and tell your spouse what you will and will not tolerate. The goal here is to create a soft, gentle place for a human to live and love. Not create an armed camp.

Seek your motivations for knowing before you seek the information. In the end, you may find you get what you ask for, and you may not like what you get. Personally, I really don't want to know the specific details of my S's sexual relations with others. It is disturbing and angers me, and that's not a healthy place to be.

On the other hand, I do want to know what could come back up in the future. If there was some guy that she was with that I could possibly interface with in the future, I'd want to know simply to avoid a difficult situation.

Of course, that's where I am today. Some days I battle this monster. Some days I don't.

great topic!

I sometimes get the feeling that my fiance wants to sweep it all under the rug...which may be true at times...but he says he doesn't like to talk about it due to shame and embarrassment on his part, and I believe him...but it still can't be swept under the rug!!

It does bother me, however, when he refuses to talk badly of OW...I feel that if he doesn't bad-mouth her, then he is protecting her, and thinks well of her. He says it is simply because he doesn't want to think about her...and that he doesn't think of her at all unless I bring her up in a conversation.

Dear Straycat,
My husband says exactly what your fiance says. That he doesn't think of OW unless I bring her up. We have had extreme arguments before due to his not talking bad about her, but verbally abusing me. Such as calling me a nut, mean person,that I am deceitful because I snooped and caught him,and he threatens divorce.I have taken a lot of abuse over the OW. Well, I finally told him go for it if that is what he's trying to do. But in the arguments he has finally said she was not a moral person, and nothing but a slut.A woman he knew 43 yrs ago in High School. That he realized his mistake and is sorry. I want to say that at the time we'd had bad years prior due to depression I had. Over another A he had in 1978 and I found out all the details 18 yrs later! I went through bad depression and even suicide attempts because the pain became so bad. After seeing all I went through, he had this one last year. But says he had just come to the point of thinking I'd never get better and he couldn't take anymore.It was his escape, planned over 6 months of internet affair. After having found her on Classmates.com. My opinion is this site is nothing but trouble!There is no justification anyone can give for adultery! NONE! Sorry to be so long winded. I guess I'm still venting. But I did want you to know other men say the same thing. That they just want to forget it and move forward! I had to see changes in mine to stay. Such as returning to church with me, reading some relationship books and respecting my feelings and rights!He is retired now as of May this year. His trips to see her were lied about being other reasons. There can be none now. Any trips have to include me, we have the same password on internet and I freely read his mail.He reads mine if he wishes.I've searched and made sure all his secret accts were cancelled!Call it watchdog if you will, but I will continue and not trust again.If he refuses this arrangement, then he's trying to hide something. He has no right to that privacy as I see it.The responsibility to rebuild trust is in his corner! It's good the OW is looking for another job to leave where your Fiance is.there can be no type of contact whatsoever if your fiance is commited to you! I would certainly recommend the two of you get counseling before marriage though. I've been told past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. So please make sure before you marry! I would even go so far as to say make sure it's a Christian counselor. I had therapist that gave terrible advice such as I should go out and play single. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. All this does is lower you to their level!I'm not pushing religion on you. But if one cannot look at commitment from the Godly commandments, then they will always assume they can do as they please in my opinion. My H had to really see the consequences to his soul as well as his marriage to make a 180 Turn. God bless and may you be able to overcome this pain.I know how it hurts! LadyLou

As a BH I can say that this road runs both ways. My WW isn't so forthcoming with details, either. Frankly, it doesn't matter to me what all the details are. I don't want to know how I compare to OM in any way. I don't want to know what they did together or where they went. Not because I don't seek honesty or the truth, but because those details just aren't important to me. What IS important to me is knowing what I'm up against in the big picture: my wife is in love with another man, so how do I end that?; How can I become a better person and husband in spite of what I'm feeling?; How do I meet my wife's needs? I don't care how OM does or did any of those things so the finer points aren't that important. Besides, I hurt enough knwoing what I know and that's plenty.