Have a question bud,

As you know W and I talked last Wed. and Thurs. of course she vented a lttle, told me about work, told me I never said this aor did this with her....some relationship talk etc. I gave her respect and care and listened. She surely must see a big diff even on phone!

Anyway, on Wednesday when I get my daughter should I put anything in bag or wait until next weekend when I have her.....she just got card and lotions last Monday. Should I get her a funny missing you instead of a more serious one? Should I write in it anything and if so whta do you think? I think her biggest need right now is respect....and I'm trying to do that in our conversations and I did tell her and my attorney that I will not seek to drop RO as it was my W's decision and I will respect her. I do remember her telling me...memory coming back...after she did see a counselor like 9-3, that she told counselor she feels I do not have any respect for her. Funny I read another thread that talked about this EN and I now realize (jogged memory) it might be my wifes top one! They say you tend to treat strangers with more respect than spouse?

How could I fullfil this need from a distance? Should I talk to her about it next time she calls and talks about relationship? Is there any cards I could give her on respect?

I thought of getting her a table arrangement for thanksgiving....not personal, but she will think of me when she looks at table. Already got her a "Missing You this Thanksgiving" card. First Thanksgiving apart in 7 years.

I did advise her that maybe we could mutually agree to ammend order to allow telephone and emails, since we have been doing them anyway. I advised lawyer to speak to her lawyer. I said it is up to her, but would be nice for daughter's sake too.

Should I ask her down the road if she might want to spend Thanksgiving together or not? Too much too soon?

Did a good Job Fri/Sat/Sun I DID NOT CALL HER!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It was tough, but did it. She was probably amazed. She is thinking about a lot right now, especially thought of me moving back to her city and her staying here...........she hates it here. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

AA,

I was on the net the whole time w/ my YahooIM & AOLim on all day. You could send me a text message via www.attws.com ... I sleep w/ my cell. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Keep it consistant on your plan A ... i.e give it to her eveytime you get your daugther, I assume you have her only a few days in the week. So 1x a week is not bad. Make it a bit personal, short, one or two sentences. Keep it the same theme ... you show her respect by not forcing her to drop RO and also give her space that she wants ... that is going right into not asking her to have ThanksGiving together.

"They say you tend to treat strangers with more respect than spouse?"
Yes, when we take someone for granted, we tend to disrespect them. You have to let her have her space right now that is including no R talk unless she wants it and when both of you start talking about R ... don't force anything to her, just listen carefully. You could disagree with her but you should not LB'ed.

I could not stand staying for 10 days at Lincoln/Omaha, I only could imagine how hard to be at where you are right now. The only thing that help my sanity is DSL line to the net. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . BTW, don't bring up moving to Omaha talk again ... let her bring it up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

You have plan the seed now you have to watch it grow and bear fruit ... hey, how many months does it take to grow corn ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

-rh-

O.K.
I thought maybe a card everytime might sound needy, but once a week I'm sure is o.k. If not she will let me know.

Your right about Thanksgiving....I won't ask her. With a card and gift she will surely be missing me at dinner.

You know I wish I had known about marriage builders while still together and things were getting bad.......I think I could have turned things around by reading and implementing. It would be nice if even she came on here to view some of these posts.

Another question: I know my cousins wife is going to see if my W wants to go out with her.....she probably will. What if she were to give her a gift like Divorce Busting or something like that? Would W get mad or might she read it? Anyway would it be a good idea for her to offer or not?

I have no idea of the corn....all I know is it comes up in June and they take it out in October!!
Hopefully the seeds I planted will be growing in her mind soon and she will want to discuss. Especially Omaha thing........I made the offer.

AA, I know I am cutting in on your thread and you were only seeking advice from Redhat, I apologize for the unsolicited advice. BUT, as I posted on one of your previous posts, your continued gifts may have the opposite effect than what you intend. What I mean by that is this: When I was single, I dated a VERY nice guy who brought me little things and did little things for me ALL the time. One of the things that he would do is buy me flowers EVERY Friday. It got to the point where it was VERY old and it was no longer "special." In fact, as my interest in him waned, it became VERY annoying to the point that it would get on my nerves and alienate me even further than if he hadn't done it at all. I have read all of your posts and, I know I cannot speak for your WW, but if it were me, regardless of how much I did/did not love you or how much I did/did not want our marriage to work, all of these gifts would lose their "specialness" (if that is a word). In fact, I would cringe everytime I got a gift or a card.

Now, that being said, I too am a BS and I know how badly you are hurting and how you are desperately doing everything you can to win her back. My spouse also told me that I do not "respect" him. (In our case, that was true because he was an active alcoholic ~ my respect has increased 100% now that he is in recovery). The thing is, you can't buy respect ~ you have to earn it. I see you trying to buy back her love under the guise of it being Plan A, instead of earning it by doing a Plan A that involves a change in behavior.

Just my thoughts/opinions from a woman's point of view.

Brit's Brat/BS-41
WH-43
DS-1 year old
Status: One Day At A Time

Thank you for that opinion. I guess I can see plus and minuse's on both sides.

Realize though we have an RO in place and don't see each other and sometimes rarely talk, so she doesn't get to really see changes.

My wife was a GIVER. She gave gave gave and then she finally had enough. I'm trying to be a nicer man. Someone she will want to come back to.

I'm trying to do things I never did before.....repeatitivley....consistantly all the way to divorce day so she may realize this. I never buy her anything expensive...just little things and pay some of her small bills.

Like I got her a cd(her music), gourmet coffee, body lotion and only a couple of cards...no flowers, jewelry etc., nothing expensive or too personal. No love cards just "miss you" and "troubled relationship". I put these in daughter's bag when I have daughter every 2 weeks. I don't really think she feels I am trying to buy her. I am just trying to stay in shadows and so she knows I still care. Remember she is looking for validation from other men now......she has dated.......so I must show her I care and am still here thinking of her, our family, and marriage. If I don't some other man may get closer to her than me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>It would be nice if even she came on here to view some of these posts.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually for now she should not be here. She should see your actions only. When the time come you could bring her here but it is after bot of you reconsile.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I know my cousins wife is going to see if my W wants to go out with her.....she probably will. What if she were to give her a gift like Divorce Busting or something like that? Would W get mad or might she read it? Anyway would it be a good idea for her to offer or not?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Alan, Alan ... you need to stay away fro interfering with her A (her mind/decision) ... this is part of plan A !. She has to come on her own and she will if you keep your focus, no LB, not intefereing w/ her decisions. Sit back and watch it grow. She know d@mn well what she needs to do but she is not willing yet. You have to earn it w/ PTC.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I have no idea of the corn....all I know is it comes up in June and they take it out in October!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">90 days or 3 months <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> !, IMVHO that is the minimun days you have to plan A your W !. You just started few weeks ago.

-rh-