Posted in Recovery also
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Would like to get everyone's input on this. This may be off topic for the site but being that we are all working hard to improve our marriages, I figured it was okay to bring this here for some advice from Mb'rs

We are going to relocate soon. Job transfer. Husband has a fantastic job and they are moving everyone to another state. Those that selected not to go were given a severance pacakge. Most were not even given that as their jobs were elimintated.

H is fortunate to have such a great job. Most people would jump at the chance they gave him. We were given about 3 days to let them know and at the time we had family visiting when he had to call his boss and either accept or decline. He felt rushed, so did I but we said yes. Since then we made two trips to that state to look around and house hunt. While its a nice state with many positives, its still not where we live and have picked to settle. My H grew up a military kid and also did time in the service. He moved around as a kid every 3 years, same when he joined the military. After he got out we wanted to just settle down, be HOME and not have to pick up and move again. We found the place we loved and have settled in, made friends, gotten to know people here. This all took time to do as you know. It takes time to know people and settle in. Now just when we were happy being where we are, this job thing comes up. We realize we are fortunate with so many people out of work and no jobs to be had due to the ecomony.

As I said before I have tried to be extremely positive about this move, helped H in every single way I can to search for info, do lots of legwork, point out the atvantages of the move and made the last two house hunting trips fun and motivating.

Inside Im sad. Sad for him. I see him trying to be happy about this move and the positives but I see him torn between leaving a state he really loves, that is not really far from his family (about a 12 hour drive), the friends and aquantinces we have made here and the feeling of being HOME. H dreads moving and hates it as do I. It was nice after the military not to have to worry about this anymore. Now this has come up with the job and really H and I would be INSANE to of said no because the offer was just that good. Company has paid for all trips to the other state for househunting but ever since he said YES, the relo part of the package is a nightmare. They have one person handling the Relocation Program that they have contracted out and H is very fustrated that these folks never call back. H calls with questions and its days before anyone responds IF they do at all. Its sort of turned into a mess as far as that part goes yet we keep our head up and plug along at trying to get this relocation underway.

I found out after talking indepth with H that his job in this new state is with people that are NOTHING like the folks he has been working with here. Here they are like a family. Good people, get along, work hard together. At the new place, the people H will work with are out for themselves and not very friendly. His new boss is someone known to be a micro-manager and talks nonstop about being a former Nasa Engineer and wanting to do things the way they did things at NASA. This new boss really seems out for himself and micromanages to ensure HE looks good. Whereas H's boss here is a kind and generous person that is respected and fair.

H feels he is going into a shark frenzy at new office. Suddenly H is very down. I see it in his eyes. We also had a few issues the last few weeks that thankfully have resolved due to H finally getting out what was bothering him.

However I sit here tonight sad for him. Sad that he has to feel this bad about this whole thing. I try to point out the positives but also validate his concerns about what is not so positive. I told him that together we can hack anything they throw our way.

Still I can't shake this sad feeling that overwhelms me tonight about the whole thing. I too, love where we currently live. I too, don't want to leave but realize its something we have to do.

H is seriously thinking of going to work tomorrow and taking back his YES answer to the job and going to check if he can just get his severance, which is generous but as you all know, won't last forever, and staying here. Also there are NO jobs in the area at the time. The employment pic here is gloomy so it would take a long time for H to find another job here. Severances only last so long.

I don't feel this is a good idea but I don't want to seem Im forcing H to NOT go to his boss and do this. H is a grown man and Im not the wife that tries to control his every action and thought, never have been, never will. I think that he is letting his bad feelings the last few days affect his thought process on this issue. H agrees but says that the right thing to do is to go but that he just doesn't want to go. I don't know how to help him. I will support whatever he wants to do.

I hate to see him so down and so sad about this issue. I feel sort of helpless, wanting to make it better but knowing I really can't do that. I can only love him and support his feelings.

H is very very stressed out about this.

It just breaks my heart to see him like this. I feel sad tonight for him. I really do.

I can't sleep. So thought I would jot down my feelings.

I offered to work two jobs and let him take time off if he wanted too and stay here but he doesn't want to go that route. Im going through a big illness right now but I know I could do it. Id do anything for him.

Anyone have any thoughts?

Zoey

I am sorry you feel so sad and unsure about this whole situation.

It seems to me that you have covered your options pretty well, and now I think it really has to be down to your H to make that final decision. You have offered the support either way - to move, or to stay and you pick up on extra work to help through until he may find another job. I don't think there is really anything I can think of - as I say, seems like you have thought of all options.

If you decide that you move, it may not be as you think in terms of the people that work there. There are always people that you can identify with, even if they are different from what you are used to. The boss too may be different, but not necessarily "bad". You can only wait and see.

Inevitably, you will build again and meet new people - I know it takes time, especially when you are settled and happy where you are. And that in itself is the bottom line - it's not a move of choice per se, it's almost been "forced" upon you. You are happy where you are, and neither of you really want to up and move - you have to.

I don't think this is terribly helpful about what you should or shouldn't do - it seems to me that you are doing everything you can to support your H and the decision that you both have to make.

Wishing you well from London.

Lisa

Oh, gosh, can I throw this into the mix? Is it possible to have your husband take a small apartment, or stay at a nice rooming house, while you stay put? He can try out the new circumstance for say 4 months, commuting home on weekends. He might even be able to work out four 10 hour days, and come home for 3 day weekends. Then you could get a picture if it is so bad out there.

Meanwhile, you could do the 2 job thing and hold down the fort. You could also scan Monster for alternate jobs for your husband, and submit his resume.

Just a thought, that you don't have to entirely commit to the move just yet. I know that means you will lose the severance, so there is that risk.

Just an alternative to consider that maybe you wouldn't have thought of.

Hi Zoey! I was thinking, you have alot of friends here from around the country. Could any of us help you with your transition to this new City? Also, I am VERY curious what Company your husband works for.....if you would be willing to share, e-mail me off line: LegalBeagle86@hotmail.com

Regards,

Brit's Brat/BS-41
WH-43
DS-1 year old
Status: One Day At A Time.

THANKS so much to each of you for responding. I posted a long response in recovery but I wanted to thank you each for your time and efforts to help me.

Brit: Thanks I took note of your email. What a kind kind offer. Thanks

Lisa in London. Hello there from across the ocean. Thanks for your words. They offered me hope and to my H also. Thanks

Mjay: Thanks to you too. He would NEVER go for living apart like that especially since we are in recovery but I see where that is a good idea and thanks for sharing. We are working on things now and its tough all the way around. He feels its critical for us to stay together regardless where we choose to live/work. He would not go for the living apart thing. I still thank you for your time coming to post to me.

Zoey,thank goodness you will not go for living apart! Even if you were not in recovery,this would be just too tempting for your H. That is exactly how my H had his first A. Living away during the week. I have this to add.while the job move my have financial benefits, you must weigh with what you're giving up.To me, it doesn't sound worth it for more money. Is it possible your H can decline now and stay in the job he has? I would seriously consider this since you both are not happy about moving. Money is not going to buy the happiness you seem to have where you are. With friends, relatives, settled,ect. Talk to your H and see how he feels. I'm sure he feels trapped right now with the decision he made impulsivly.But with you both regretting, it's not worth the stress or change. If we could go back 24 yrs, we certainly would not have made the move we did. The A caused the move to break it up, and we should have just had him give up the job and come home then. Just my opinion, but I hope it helps. It's time to put happiness ahead of the money issue. It can't buy what you have! LadyLou