I just wondered what goes on in the life of the one that's cheating. I mean. He said in the middle of the week that he loved me. He told me when asked if I could call and talk..."Yeah, we can talk." Then I told him I wouldn't contact him and other than the email I sent yesterday, I haven't contacted him. But he hasn't contacted me either. He hasn't come and got the rest of his clothing or anything like that. He hasn't moved all his things out. He has maybe 5 shirts, three pairs of jeans and four socks/boxers. All his clothing is right here still. All his tools, his guns, his personal property. It's all right here in our house. It's hard for me to look at each day. It's hard for me to have those reminders without having him here.

I had trust issues. That's without question. And those trust issues weren't warranted. It was a mechanism I developed to protect myself if something ever happened. It was learned behavior from my past. But, regardless of those trust issues, I was always there for him. I was willing to listen to him (he'd never talk). I was always willing to take care of him and help him in anyway I could. I was supportive of him and his activities (i.e. volunteer fire/EMS, hunting, fishing, etc.) I was loving and kind and gentle with him. I cared so much for him. I gave my all to him and he's walked away from that and left all his things!!!

I just don't understand the mind of a man. I just don't get it.

If any of you can better explain why a man can leave the woman he claims to love, leave the children in the home (stepchildren), leave the home that he and this woman have created and all after only 14 months of marriage, I'd appreciate it. I would love to have your input here.

Yes, I am working on me. I'm living my life which I hadn't done for a long time. Will he see it? Probably not. He doesn't contact me. He doesn't come around the house, so how will he know? Just because I don't contact him doesn't mean that he sees that I'm out going to church, that I'm going to a city tonight with a friend, that I'm going on with my life. How can he see it if he's not even around me?

Hello Ferbie,

You must remember that when a WS is in the fog, they are confused, irrational, have feelings of guilt, shame, are themselves in pain (seems unbelieveable) and are not the same caring loving people that we remember. They become self absorbed in the lustful desires of sin (adultery and etc.), that to face us would be a constant reminder of their wrong doing. At times it may appear that the fog is lifting and then they resort back to the same behavior of alienating themselves from their spouses, their children, their family (unless they condone WS behavior) and some may even withhold financial support (true in my case).

As the sane/whole/more responsible spouse, we must take care of ourselves so that we can keep the family afloat in these turbulent times. I had to remind myself that my son was also hurting by his WH behavior and character flaws. Just remember that the storms of life do eventually bring about a calmness.

All things are possible if you only believe.

Phillipians 4:6-7 says "Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made know unto God. And the peace of God, Which paseth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds throught Christ Jesus.

WR
1. W-BS-40. H-WS-41 anger/gambler. 1-S-4
2. M-10 yrs. Known each other 26 yrs
3. D-day #1 03/03/01. Reconciled 9/01
4. D-day #2 7/09/02 (abandoned family)
5. OP-35-Single/gambler. S-19 (n-jail). Neice-12
6. 10/02 WH ended A. Staying with AIL
(remorseful/need space to get self together)

Thank you for your reply. Your scripture gave me strength.

My H came home to talk to me last night. I wasn't here. I had went out to a city about an hour away with a friend and my kids stayed with my mother for the night. I had 8 messages on my machine.....nobody said a word in any of them. The last message was left at around 9:30 PM. I didn't get home until almost 10:30. Do you feel this was good for H to see that I'm out and moving on and not sitting her basking in my pain?

I feel questionable feelings about him coming to talk to me. 1. If he came to talk to make things work then why didn't he stay and wait for me? 2. If he came to talk about him moving his things, then why didn't he take anymore clothes, etc. with him.
3. If he came just to talk about whatever, how can I find the strength to act loving and casual when I'm dying and asking "why, why, when, when" inside?

Ferbie,

I read your post and the same things happen to me in the beginning. My WS came over to the house with the kids after I left for work and they stayed there until it as time for me to come home. My WS would come over and talk to me for awhile and then leave. I put all of her stuff together and left it in the living room for her so she could take it with her when she left. It stayed there until I was forced to move out.

I understand your continually questioning what is going through the mind of your WS. They are only interested in what they see right infront of them. I would just say they your should keep his things where they are for right now and take it one day at a time.

Indy

My WH has done the exact thing. (No chlldren) I too, would like to know what makes them act like this. The "fog" can be very confusing, even to us. I too, am beginning to work on me. I know it's important. I understand your feelings. It can be unbearable at times. I seem to be afraid of the possibility of going on without him. I know I can, but it's not what I would prefer. I Love him very much. I have always considered mine my soul mate. It's been 7 weeks for me. It does get a little better. Hang in there - That's what I plan on doing for now.