hi...
i need some advice and guidance..
please spend sometime reading my short posting to know the whole story..

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=020950

i was reading MB last night and told my kids to go to bed early..there is school tomorrow..after a while my eldest daughter went back in the living room and lay down on the sofa....beside me ..then i noticed she is crying...i said why...she said she miss her mom...then i started crying with her too..i have to explain to her what is going on...although not the details of the affair. ..you see...it is not the affair that is killing me...but when i see them playing...eating just the four of us....when we watch movies or go out without her...they are not used to these things..and puts lots of pressure on me....doing dishes, cooking , laundry, groceries, picking them up from school, snacks, home work etc...it is draining me...

how can i survive in this situation?..i am very lucky to find MB site...i was able to get through by just reading diff. stories and forums...

please i need some advice ..

thanks..

Can you tell your doctor what is going on. Maybe you could take anti-depressants in order to survive this stage you describe...

With 3 kids, parents need to be so organized. As time goes on, you will find creative ways to get things done, maybe even getting the bigger ones to help more with different chores. They seem so young and may never understand how their mom could just walk away from the family like this, but... she may have a change of heart when OM starts love busting. Give it time...

Hang in there. You are feeling the strain of single parenting coupled with the devastation this affair is causing to your family. Consider yourself hugged. You will find support here. Keep posting. Another option, your employer may provide some confidential employee assistance (counseling) or be able to refer you to some other helpful single parenting resources?

How to deal with your wife's insensitivity? I think you should tell her how you feel instead of keeping it bottled up. I don't think you should have to subject yourself to it with phone calls, I would hang up on her if you really can't take it. Maybe you could say next time, "Oh that's great honey, and when you come back, perhaps then you can explain to the kids why you're having so much fun without them and why they are so miserable without you?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> THEN, hang up the phone...

Then again, that might be a love buster and give her justification for why she left you. Personally, I don't understand how she could walk away from her babies. I think she is in complete and utter selfish mode.

Hang in there! Maybe what you really need are some mental health days off work (with pay)--you could also get these from your doctor! A medical leave or something? Talk to your boss about what you are dealing with, raising the kids, the affair/separation, trying to run the household, managing household repairs, financial pressure, etc., he HAS to understand that you need a break! Nobody is that strong. Prayer helps relieve pressure too! Keep the faith!

thanks for the advice, BINthere..

being here at MB and giving me advices is more than enough...compared to a medication..

i will hang on as much as i can because of the reason i posted on another topic..but for now i have to survive the agony...be with my kids...enjoy every bit of time i am spending with them...be thankful that the sun still shines in the morning.... birds still sing.......and i am healthy..

thanks..
i appreciate your support very much..

Hello IsThisTheTime,

I am sorry that you and your children have to experience the devastation that A's bring. I pray that you and your children will find comfort and guidance in an all loving, all knowing God.

I am reminded of the Sheppherd who lost 1 sheep out of 100. The Sheppherd left the 99 sheep to go after that one lost sheep. For the Sheppherd knew that the lost sheep was without the cover and protection of the sheppherd and the other sheep. That one lost sheep was very important to the sheppherd. That didn't mean that the other 99 weren't. At this particular time the 99 sheep were not in danger. They had to remain strong and stay close together until the shepperd returned with the lost sheep. Can you imagine how happy the sheppherd was to find the lost sheep and bring him back to the fold. Equally as happy were the other 99 sheep.

Just know that God loves your WS and He is going to do what He has to, to get their attention and lead them back to safety. Although these can be and are scarey times (as with the the lost sheep, the sheppherd and the 99 sheep), but it is good that you and your children are drawing closer together. Many times as parents we feel we must not show signs of weakness in front of our children, but the fact of the matter is, is that we are all hurting and none of us understand why the WS has decided to risk everything for the OP, the gambling, the alcohol, the drugs or other addictive behaviors that has a hold on them.

Now if God can change the heart of a king, then certainly he can deliver our WS and our families from this satanic attack on our marriage and family.

I pray that God will lead someone, perhaps an older female relative (an Aunt, AIL, Mother, MIL) whom you can confide in to help you with the day to day challenges of parenting and caring for your family.

God Bless you,

WR

1. W-BS-40. H-WS-41 (anger/gambler). 1-S-4
2. M-10 yrs. Known ea. other 26
3. D-day#1 03/01. Recovery 9/01. D-day#2 07/02
4. OP-35-single/gambler. S-19 (n-jail). Neice-12
5. 10/02 WH said A ended(living with AIL)
(remorseful/need space to get self together)

As I sit here, typing my reply to you, tears are streaming down my face. Your story has touched me like no other here at MB.

I've been feeling so sorry for myself. I was going to tell my FWH tonight that I wanted him to move out. I was willing to break up my family, knowing the hurt I would be bringing to my children, in order to get away from the pain I'm feeling myself. I've been struggling with the same feelings as Kat - but I had decided to give up.

Your post has given me the courage to keep trying.
I lost sight of what I've been fighting for and you brought that back to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thank you.

You really are quite amazing and your WW is an absolute fool for not seeing it. IMO she's taking you for granted and she needs a very loud wake up call.

Bet you didn't think by writing your story you would be helping out others. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I hope your WW comes around, and I hope you keep posting here. I think we can all learn from you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thanks,
H&S

i appreciate all your advices...makes me feel better now...i know looking after my kids is my gain and her loss....it reach to the point that everytime she is around the house and kids needs some help or anything....they come to me...sometimes i tell go ask your mom....just to be closer to her.....

going to the root cause of these makes me feel that time will come i have to set her free..sometimes i am tempted to start dating and try to meet somebody else to neutralize my emotions...but when i look at my kids...i always ask myself...am i prepared for this?...do i have to make their lives more complicated...then i pause..

..how can my wife do this without feeling guilty?..strange woman...

i hope you have read my whole story first...it is complicated..

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=020877

thanks

i have an update...

wife a bit restless and sad when she spent second night at home...but didn't ask her why she suddenly start sleeping in our house again...later on she said she is having some problem with OM..seems that their reltionship is falling apart...and start hearing negative feedbacks from the OM..etc..i did not say any word ...just listened...i am planning on a plan B at this stage but the event that just happen made me think twice...

i am still trying to put some distance from her...i love her....i wanna stay married to her despite of the A's for my kids sake...am i doing the right thing....or am i getting lost...

advice pls..
lots of thanks

Trying to save your Marriage is the right thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are being patient, kind, sensitive and loving. Sounds like you are doing a good job on Plan A. Have you noticed a difference in how your wife relates to you? Has she noticed your behaviour or is she so much in the fog she doesn't see it?

I'm not the best one to give advice on Plan B because I was lucky enough not to have to go there, but I'll try to help you out.

You have been in Plan A for 5 months (?) and I believe the recommendation is a miniumum of 6 months. So... if you can - hang in there for a little bit more. It sounds like you still have love for your wife - enough to keep you going a little longer? You should go to Plan B when your love bank is almost empty. Every situation is different and you'll know best when you've reached that point.

Your wife seems to be a cake-eater and I think she'll continue to do this until forced otherwise, but I hope not. It sounds like the A might be coming to an end - let's keep our fingers crossed.

Hang in there! I hope some more experienced MBers will be by to offer you some more help.

H&S

hi...

just an update...wife spent 3rd night with us after her work...she didn't sleep on OM's place...we watched a movie last night with kids...we had a wine as we normally do while watching and playing with the kids...we didn't talk much about the OM or our relationship...just casual..no LB's..

...next morning i get up around 6:00am to get fresh donuts as i promised my kids...wife was in the living room...she said to get her a coffee which i did...when i got back she started talking about her R with the OM...i listened again...occasionally replying but mostly she do the talking...(i learned this from MB)...it seems that the OM is doing lots of LB'ng...i stay a foot...i did mention about us or any thing just listened...

now this push me away again of doing my plan B...with her pattern in relationships ..do i have to carry on with plan B..i am thinking of giving it more time..but i don't see that she will end the relaionship with the OM quicker...she said she wants to remain friends with...same words she is telling me about our relationship...

me and my kids want to win her back...i know this is a tough job ..

guide me please.....

lots of thanks..

Hi,

I have read your story on the other thread. Your situation reminds me a lot of Redhat's. Let's see if we can get him to chat with you.

First of all, my opinion is that you should secure the custody and all financial matters for you and your family. Don't assume anything other than the worse. You have not idea the intent of the OM nor how much your W is willing to sell her family for in her current state of mind. Your W certainly has issues.

Have you counseled with Steve or Jennifer? Do so ASAP.

In regards to how to act when she comes back....well I think you should let her know that your home is not the runaway haven when she fights with the OM. If she has chosen the OM for better or worse then that is what she needs to live with. IF she wants to ask her family to take her back, then she has to do so. No assumption and no open door policy. But then again, that is just my opinion.

For now, it is not a matter of plan A or B, it is a matter of being respectful of you and your family. If she can only use your family then she doesn't deserve them and everything that goes with them.

R U supporting her financially and is she sharing your support with the OM? It happens. You don't have to answer me, just think about it.

take care,
L.

orchid..

WW works and pay some of the bills although i look after the big chunks...no money goes to the OM...he makes less money..

we have a small chat this morning and she said she is using her head and not her emotions when she made the decision to end the relationship with the OM..lots more LB'ng from OM was disclosed to me...again i just listened..

...now she is talking about going to disney florida this x'mas which i cancelled months ago because she don't intend to come with us because of the OM...then she mentioned about watching harry potter too....plus doing plans for repair and renovation on our basement this coming weekend which was stalled for months because i lost interest doing it without her help...

...emotionally i am okay...i agree that being in a situation like this makes you stronger..i accepted the fact that chances of losing her is high so i don't feel much pain anymore...

i am getting conflicting advice from this site...some wants me to the plan B immediately..the thing is it is very hard if you have 3 kids...i try not to be selfish..and some to give it more time....either way i am getting the whole picture and i do know i am in the best position to make the better decision..

..this morning she left to go with OM in his parents house for the last time to attend a kid's birthday...and say goodbye to those she met during the R with OM...she told me she doesnt want to go but she made a promise to them weeks ago...even ordered a cake for the celebrant...

....i stayed calm...on my opinion i think the OM witnessed what type and attitude my wife has....the OM is party animal and i know my wife doesnt want this....anyway i dont want to go to the details of their R...

...i remember the story about THE LOST SHEEP that was posted on one of my thread...very nice...

me and my kids want to welcome my wife with open arms...please please tell me if i am blinded and being "ST**ID"...

lots of thanks...

Hi,

U R not being stupid but your W is. Until she has her sanity back becareful of how you make your decisions regarding her requests or actions. In other words take everything she says and does with a grain of salt. .....lots of salt.

It is still a wise idea to protect your family's interests even the financial one. If the OM is a party animal and makes less than you do, you could easily be viewed as an easy ticket, manipulated by OM via your W to get at the one constant thing......$$$. This could account for the LBing on his part.....greed has a way of bringing out the worst in people.

Your W may or may not be fully over the OM, if he is able to threaten her enough he might be able to scare your $$ out of her. Just be careful. Really if your W is over the OM, she will understand your need to be safe. She will also realize that she needs to win your trust back, not the other way around.

So let her make the efforts and you evaluate each one. Don't be so quick to give into each of her requests. This may delay the healing/recovery. On the other hand don't be too harsh either. It is a hard line to walk. You also need to be aware of your needs, feelings and mental state. It does take a toll on the strongest of people.

Get with Steve or Jennifer and make a plan.

take care,
L.

thanks orchid...i will keep you posted..