Folks this time I'm not writing for me but for a friend who doesn't have access to the internet. I have a friend whose husband seems to be at the beginning of an A. He came back from a trip recently (pleasure not business) and since then he started to work out and now he has arrived home late 2x. His wife has intercepted several e-mails from a woman. One e-mail he sent to her saying that he was thinking about her all day, another e-mail where they were making plans to meet and another e-mail where it seems she is looking into flights for a trip to the islands. My friend has not informed him of the e-mails but she has approached him about his coming home and the change she has seen in him. She also found an eye liner which he claims belongs to a girl who he just gave a ride to the train station. He is clearly lying but should she confront him and tell him what she knows from the e-mails? If so, what then?

I think obviously, it is d-day for your friend. And she needs to confront him about it. And, obviously, he'll try to deny it. HE IS NOT AT THE BEGINNING OF AN A, HE IS HAVING AN A. You may need to help your friend face that reality.

She can throw the e-mails in his face and says, "What about THIS?!" Or say, "<H>, I know about <OW> (using her name)." I don't know that there is an absolute.

A typical plow of the WS is to turn it around and say how untrustworthy the BS was for snooping into their PRIVATE email. For this reason, I think avoiding saying exactly HOW you know is sometimes wise. If she chooses this route, she should refuse to reveal (cuz, he'll ask) how she knows, or say something coy like, "I'm smarter than you thought I was."

But, most of all, your friend will need support and counseling thru all of this.

<small>[ November 04, 2002, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: Riff ]</small>

Unfortunately he had an A several years ago so she has been through this with him before. I think you are right and she does need to confront him with it - maybe she can just tell him that she knows about him and the other woman and explain that it needs to end now if they are to continue in their marriage. I feel so bad for her because she was a real trooper and stood in the battlefield with me when I was going through my similar experience not too long ago.

Snooping is not a good idea. However,...

If she confronts him & discloses she read the emails, he will be much more careful & either quit using email or get a different (hotmail.com, excite.com, etc) account.

Best way to use the info is to "disrupt" any plans she can. If he isplanning on going on a trip, go with him (do what she has to, to make it happen).

She can tell him she knows about Ms. X and their plans/conversations. If he asks how she knows, she is not to tell him about the emails (a little birdie?)

IMHO...telling the WS only works once and you have to be kind when you do. Although your trust in your WS may be somewhat questionable, you have to maintain the trust that they have in you.

I told my WW, who in turn told her OM that I found out. This scared this OM off, but if your WS is having this type of A then you have to be careful that the WS does not move to another person.

My WW did move to OM and I tried the confrontation again which resulted in her being quite agitated that I did not trust her. I told her that if she wasn't going to stop, at least she would be getting better at hiding it. She is still not great at hiding it, but she is more honest with me.

My advice is be very careful telling about e-mails. I agree with previous posts that you can let your WS know that you are aware of the A, but you don't have to disclose how you found out.

Good luck with your decision.

WH2U

Well I just found out she told him and told him how she knew. He is denying it although the proof is in the pudding. She also send a response to OW's e-mail letting her know that she is the wife and that she's comitting adultery with her husband. I'm going to talk to her husband this week since I have a pretty good relationship with him and he knows that my husband and I went through this not to long ago.

Well I just found out she told him and told him how she knew. He is denying it although the proof is in the pudding.
The number one thing to do n an affair is,
Deny, deny, deny.
Doesn't matter what the evidence is (pictures, confessions, voicemail, email, caught in the act), just deny everything.

Don't try to argue with them about it.
Just state the facts.
"I know you are (having affair, had lunch, had sex, etc) with Mr/Ms/Mrs X."

One thing. If they do "fess up" make sure you tell them, "thanks for being honest with me about it." Let themn know you are a "safe haven" and can be counted on NOT to blow your top.