Just a quick question for everyone...

I am in a full Plan B...no contact. But, if for some reason, either by phone or in person, she talks to me (I AM NOT contacting her for any reason), how should I handle it? Plan A her? I dont think that will work because she knows I have shut down everything. Tell her that we arent supposed to be talking until she makes the committment to come back and send OM packing?

Trying not to be the a****** here, but at the same time, remain true to myself and the plan.

Any suggestions on how to handle unintentional contact?

In His Arms.

<small>[ November 05, 2002, 04:18 PM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

Mortarman...

Thought I should give you this piece of information so that you know...

On the sign in page...where it shows..."welcome to our newest member" , earlier today, the newcomer was MrsMortarman.

Did you see that?

Always,
committed

I know that. Thanks.

A few weeks ago, my wife said she would come on here to share "her side" in order to help me, and maybe learn a few things. So, I signed her up. The MB site sent her the username and password today. We'll see if she actually does anything.

I doubt she will do anything for awhile because she dove back into the fog two weeks ago. Oh well.

In His Arms.

Got Ya...

Was just giving a heads up so that you knew your posts could be under scrutiny and possibly used against you later.

committed

Mortarman.

Because you two have kids, I beleive that you should take the opportunity that when she contacts you that you should show the same professionalism that you show as a soldier to an enemy that's been disarmed and secured. In other words, do not show anger, contempt, threats, ultimatums, etc. and don't lose control of the direction of the conversation from important child care issues to relationship issues. Showing emotional strength is an attractive quality that many people, especially many women, take notice. If you can't do this, then I would suggest that, then that you find another person that can serve as intermediary between you and your WW.

Thanks committed...yeah I know she will be able to see what is written here. I dont really care, because my life and my feelings are an open book to her.

Coffeeman: Thanks...that is just what I will do. It has been a week since I called her, and since last Friday since she has called at all, even forthe kids. I have no idea what the deal is, but sticking with Plan B and God. Plan B has made it so there arent so many ups and downs daily. But, I am having serious withdrawal from my wife. I do miss her tremendously. If this is gonna work out, I pray that it happens soon, before we drift completely apart.

I would like to know from everyone out there, especially from WSs and FWSs, what you think might be going on with her and in her head. You might have to go back to my previous post to see what has been going on, if you havent been following things. Is she now "free" and happy to be moving on? Or, is the family thing, the things she is going to lose, her love for me, etc. still there and eating at her. I know she is tremendously busy this week with tests, so she might be compartmentalizing again. But no contact with me, or the kids, has to be upsetting her I think. Unless her metamorphisis is complete and she has fully become this immoral person she has acted as over the last year.

I know you would be just speculating, but what do you think is going on? How do you think she is handling it? Of course, my heart is being further destroyed by not having her in my life. But what about her?

Thanks.

In His Arms.

Did you give her a Plan B letter & explain no contact? If not oyu need to do it now so what you are doing is fully understood.

I am in a full Plan B...no contact. But, if for some reason, either by phone or in person, she talks to me (I AM NOT contacting her for any reason), how should I handle it?
So I guess you ARE having contact (doesn't matter who initiates it.)
Look at it this way.
You are supposed to be making changes in yourself so you can be a better partner in a relationship. In Plan A you are supposed to do these and let your ws SEE these and know you are making lasting changes, not simply changing to "get her back."

Also, your word needs to be "gold." You told her no contact but you can't live up to that. Why should she believe you can make other meaningful changes?

If you gave her a Plan B letter (which should be a love letter of sorts), nothing more needs to be said about what "no contact" means or what you are trying to accomplish. Plan B is not punishment nor teaching the ws anything. This is all explained in the letter.

Any suggestions on how to handle unintentional contact?
Unintentional contact would be bumping into her at the supermarket or something. Get caller id. Don't answer the phone when she calls. Don't respond to her emails, voicemails, instant messages, letters, etc.

Yes it is difficult. But it is for you.

Chris, thanks for the post.

Yes, I sent the Plan B letter.

We have three children together who live with me. I will be going to a custody hearing, probably in about three weeks. I am trying to make sure that I do not do anything wrong here, in regards to her and kids. So, I have told her that we could go thru an intermediary. She got mad at that, saying we needed to deal with the kids together. Anyway, the point is that it has been a week and a half since I started full Plan B. I have not contacted her for any reason. She, on the otherhand, asked me to bring kids by mutual friends house (where she was visiting) on Halloween, so she could see the costumes. I brought them there, she tried to start a conversation (casual) with me, but I went into another room for an hour while she visited with them. Then, on Friday, I wasnt paying attention to the caller ID and answered the phone. It was her, wanting to wish the kids good luck at a baseball tournament that one of them was playing in over the weekend (she had to work all weekend). She tried to get into idle chit-chat with me about work, kids, etc, but I didnt respond. HSe eventually got the point and got off the phone by saying she would talk to me later. Since this on friday, no contact either way.

So, I am using this time to better myself. With the rollercoaster ride shutdown right now, the kids and I are having a much better time. But all of us are missing her. But, we continue to move forward.

So, with that being said, I am still wondering what is going on with her. while this affair and what she has been doing to me is nowhere near the woman anyone has known throughout her life, the pain she is causing the kids and all of the time away for a mother who gave up 9 years of her life to bring them up, it just makes me wonder if she still exists. And if this Plan B may help her come back out and take control of her life from this selfish mess she has become.

In His Arms.

Kids, there may need to be some contact but keep it about the kids. No talking about work, the gym, etc.

With the rollercoaster ride shutdown right now, the kids and I are having a much better time. But all of us are missing her
This is what Plan B is about. To settle the roller coaster ride.

The whole point of MB is to make sure you do NOT jump too quickly into decisions caused by an emotional reaction. Also, you cannot MAKE her do anything. Show her you are willing to do (and doing it!) what it takes to repair the relationship. If she chooses NOT to be a part of it, then you know you did all you could. Not evertihhng we want goes our way but we make the best of a bad situation.

It seems as if you are doing everything okay. It doesn't make it any easier, I know but sometimes certain actions are necessary.

Hang tough!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am still wondering what is going on with her. while this affair and what she has been doing to me is nowhere near the woman anyone has known throughout her life, the pain she is causing the kids and all of the time away for a mother who gave up 9 years of her life to bring them up, it just makes me wonder if she still exists. And if this Plan B may help her come back out and take control of her life from this selfish mess she has become.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't she going to nursing school? If that is the case, it may be that she is busy with her studies. There are exams, as you well know, that are scheduled at different times of the trimester or semester. So it may be that she is temporarily being absorbed by her studies.

Don't despair Mortarman, because even when a BS has finally given up on the M and files for divorce, the WS often gets the wake up call that the M is going to end. Hopefully it won't take the filing of divorce papers to make your WW snap back to the reality of what she is doing, but it is good to know that even in those final days before the M ends, there are many WS's that finally appreciate what they are about to lose and decide to committ themselves to return to their BS's and families to rebuild their M's.

Keep the faith.

Chris and Coffeeman...thanks for the replies.

I think I have a pretty good feel on what Plan B is for me, and what it is doing for me. So, far, it is definitely doing the trick. What I was more asking was what my idle mind was going over.

What is all this time away from me doing to her? What about her time away from the kids? how will she react to all of this when divorce/custody paperwork hits her this week? Just interested, especially from any WSers out there, what would go thru a WS mind while still in the fog and going thru what we have. And then I go to full Plan B and you get D paperwork.

It doesnt change what I am doing, or the benefits I am receiving from being in Plan B. But, just trying to "leave the light on" so to speak.

In His arms.

Well, my heart just lept. My wife just tried to call me on the cell phone. I did not answer it. Wonder if she will leave a message? first time she has tried to call since last Friday.

Any thoughts out there on what to do? I mean, if she leaves a message? I am more concerned if she leaves a message about the kids...I know I will have to respond to that.

Another question...we have parent-teacher conferences tomorrow. I dont know if the wife remembers the date and time. If she says she is going, I think I may schedule my own. Just the phone ringing from her was enough to send me hurting again. Plan B is definitely for me for now, so I cannot imagine sitting in the same room with her discussing our children.

Help. Need some advice on how to handle these things. I am not going to let her undermine the small bit of sanity I have gained in the last 10 days since Plan B started. I would love to Plan A her again, if the moment is right, but I have set the boundary. I dont think I can go back on that now until she meets the two criteria: 1. OM is gone; and 2. she is committed to working on our relationship.

Thoughts??

In His Arms.

I've been divorced since January and the ex doesn't know yet so I can't speak from personl experience, but...

expect a bit of yelling, a bit of pleading, a bit of indifference. It's happened many, many times here and it'll happen some more.

Remember, everything that happens is up to you. Take a breath before you act/react.

I dont think I can go back on that now until she meets the two criteria: 1. OM is gone; and 2. she is committed to working on our relationship.
And you should absolutely not back down unless she agrees to this.

Okay...got more information just a minute ago. My wife over the last week has been talking to our mutual friend.

My wife stated that she jsut doesnt want the relationship talk right now. that she likes the silence and wants our mutual friend to act as go-between to hand off kids. Said to mutual friend that all she can concentrate on is nursing school. That she is stuck in this until June (graduation) and that if we are meant ot be, then it will happen.

Well, how the hell will that happen if she and I are not talking, not working on anything? The mutual friend told her all she had to do was tell me OM was gone and that she was committed to our relationship, and she could have the space and keep the apartment until graduation. but she got no answer on that.

Soooo.....

What now? I am committed to Plan B!! But, I have been saying since the latest breakdown between us that she thinks me and the kids are a threat to her school. nd she is letting nothing get in the way of that. If this is true, if this is the REAL issue...then how is she going to understand that she can have everything...that we wont get in the way, but actually could help in areas (cooking, shopping, etc like I have done at times over the past 3 months she has been gone)? How does she get to understand that the relationship wont last 7 more months with NOTHING going on or in limbo? when she sees the divorce paperwork this week, it may have a profound effect.

Also, what about these conferences tomorrow? I really dont want to go if she is there. Too much pain! But, might be good temporary (a couple of hours) Plan A material, for her to grab onto.

Need help on this one guys and gals. I cannot sit around for 7 months in limbo. That is not fair, EVEN if she still wants us in the end.

In His Arms.

I hate to be critical of your wife but this focus on school line is just a bunch of hooey. She had enough "clarity" of mind to have major cosmetic surgery and she didn't worry that it was too much for her nursing school woes. Now all you nurses out there dont get me wrong I know it is backbreaking ming melting work but she has had an excuse for everything. And if this were the truth then she could easily say good bye to the OM because she needs to focus. Her mind is not in the right place. Maybe she thinks if she keeps repeating herself on this issue maybe even she will believe it. Classic Cake Eating.
OM=NO MARRIAGE. PERIOD.

continuing prayers

ayslyne

Hi Mortarman,

Plan B alumni weighing in here.

If, per chance, you have an encounter with your W you are to be Plan A-like ... meaning you don't LB. Make it short but sweet. Think of an excuse that you need to cut it short.

But what's most important is that you DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT meet any of her needs. Whether that be verbally or agreeing to do something for her.

I hope this helps you. Stay strong.

Lv,
Jo

Oh I agree on OM=no marriage. On the rest, you may well be right, although I will have to post more info later that makes me think that things arent going on like I though they were with OM. It may well be school (she has no real time for ANYONE).

My deal is tomorrow. The parent-techer conferences. How do I handle them?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mortarman:
<strong>

Also, what about these conferences tomorrow? I really dont want to go if she is there. Too much pain! But, might be good temporary (a couple of hours) Plan A material, for her to grab onto.

Need help on this one guys and gals. I cannot sit around for 7 months in limbo. That is not fair, EVEN if she still wants us in the end.

In His Arms.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MM<

I think the nursing school priority is another cop out and I don't believe it for a minute. I think she is still in a fog and trying to avoid facing you and the kids because of her guilt. I think you need to stay in Plan B but use opportunities like the parent-teacher conference to show her that you are not mad at her and are not punishing her.

And yes, I do think you should go to the parent-teacher conference mainly because it is in the best interest of the kids. Another benefit is that she can see you again and hopefully you will have a calm, kind demeanor that will not scare her off. The alternative is to cancel the appt and give her ammunition against you. {"he couldn't even show up for a conference"}

Outside of that, I would remind you of what you so beautifully told us last week, and that is that you have handed the reigns over to God. Please just stick to the footwork and let God worry about the outcome. Your footwork is to continue executing Plan B, continue being the best father you can, and attend parent teacher conferences when necessary regardless of your feelings about your W. God will handle the outcome, you know He will. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

MM,

This is a "no brainer" in my mind, what's left of it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You go to the parent teacher conference, you interact with the teacher and you do the business you need to do to help your children. This is NOT the place to be worrying about WW. If she shows, fine. But the focus is on your children and their needs with regard to school.

Focus on that and don't worry about W. If you need to talk with W about children or make a decision, then do so in a polite and concerned matter. By kind, be generous, and be focused on your children and their education.

It is that simple right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Seriously, this is not the time to bring the marriage problems into the picture. It's the kids and only the kids.

So go, do your job as their father, and then leave.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Focusing on your children, will often affect the WS, as they see certain things starting to slip away. So this advice should help your children, you, and perhaps your W, but the ONLY goal is your children.

For tomorrow focus on the welfare of your children. If it will be too much to play nice with her then try to reschedule. If you can tough it out go and be all business but nice. Just repeat in your mind this is for my children...my children...my children.

But only you know what you are capable of handling. No relationship talk no major syrpy sweetness either just be all about the kids if you can.

And the nursing school pressure thing...I worked on a bachelor's degree full time, while working full time, keeping house, doing homework and research at night so I could be available to my husband, did church volunteer work, helped parents and grandparents with every thing under the sun from balancing check books to mowing. Never once did I have time to stray from my marriage. Once I had a child motherhood was my priority as well it should be, God, spouse, children...was my life. I finished my degree 2 months before I gave birth, now juggle all the aforementioned replacing education with work still keeping focus on my God, my marriage, and the children in my life. And still found no time to stray from my marriage. I tell you this not to praise myself but to illustrate that the idea of ever straying was so forgien to me it did not exist. Time was not an issue, opporitunity was not an issue, pressure was not an issue. I could have left, sought out someone else and no one would have blamed me. My priorities were set regardless of any other factor. But to my husband infidelity was a way of life. Whether he had another woman at any given time or not his priorities were out of whack....as is the case with your wife now. The actual OW didnt matter, the pressures he faced didnt matter. The only thing that mattered was his mind was only dedicated to his selfish wants and desires. Until he changed that he was not really back in the marriage OW or no.

If this man is being forced out for any reason other than her putting him out she is still not in the marriage. If she does not have the time for him and still wont say OM is out of my life she still has issues. OK maybe she needs to focus on school but like you said if it were school it wouldnt be an issue for you and your children. Your family would actually support her in many ways....by the way I have never heard of School, kids, maybe husband, maybe other man, God being on any list of acceptable priorities for a married woman.

Be strong....be kind...be patient....be faithful.
Be prepared the divorce papers will rock her world.

continuing prayers

ayslyne