I don't mean to just jump in here, but I'm really interested in your conversations. I just posted my story on this board....Is it Just an Affair? Seems like much more...

In my situation my Husband is having an affair....has been since April, I found out in July and he still refuses to give up the OW. They have talked about marriage and being together in the future and I really think they believe they are meant for each other.

There is a distance thing here in that they are 7 hours apart....my husband has been looking for a new job without success. Also, I'm pregnant and due mid May and he wants to be part of his childs life.

From what I've read on the board I hope he is just in the "fog" that is talked about, but from reading the emails between them there is so much sexual and emotional ties and talk of being together forever that I just don't know.

Alan: If you don't mind me asking did you feel this way in your affair? Like you didn't love your wife and that your marriage was over? Like you had found your true soulmate? How did you come out of the fog?

Monkey: I'm probably not a good one to give you advise right now because I feel like I would do anything to keep my husband right now....no, I think it will take awhile to trust again and I'd probably never stop snooping, but right now I'd give anything for him to want me again.

Hi! Well your situation seems very difficult in that your husband is still involved with the woman AND that you are pregnant. let me tell you a situation that happened to me......

We had been married like 6 yrs and we had a 2 yr old...my ex came home and said he didnt love me and had no love in his heart. etc etc. refused to say that there was EVER anyone else. Said he wanted to live in our daughter's room and come and go as he pleased and he'd see if his heart changed if I let him have what he wanted ... space. So stupid me...I said ok because I was desperate to keep my marriage together. I would have done anything he wanted to keep it together. He stayed out all night and did his thang. soooo....I finally had to ask him to leave because I couldnt handle it. He left. He asked to come back a month later. Again...I wanted my marriage. So I took him back and never once asked what happened. Figured I couldnt handle the truth. A week later he was gone again for a month. I....like you...was desperate to do anything he wanted to make it work....so I took him back AGAIN. A few more bad years passed and I caught him cheating with evidence.

I am telling you this story because I was just like you....willing to do anything..literally desperate to keep my marriage. It didnt matter that I was the one who was miserable. I didnt care. I wanted my marriage and I would have lived for the rest of my life unhappy rather than divorce because he sure didnt care to work on making me happy. He was too busy doing his thing.
Granted my situation is different because your husband is with ONE person. Mine was with MANY. But I understand your desires of keeping it together...especially being pregnant.

You have to make you and your child happy right? well how are you going to do that if you are so unhappy? Do you deserve to live in this environment? You seem to be allowing him to carry on with this affair.

I think if I was you I would probably find this woman. Maybe she doesnt even know about you? Does he talk about you? He needs to realize he cant have BOTH. What kind of woman would this woman be if she was with a married man with a baby on the way KNOWING all that? She'd be a floosey to say the least. If I were you I'd cancel the internet service he uses to correspond with her and cancel his cell if that's how he talks to her. Make him make a choice. If he cant communicate with her and she's 7 hours away...then what would he do?

don't be a fool like me accepting these terrible things.

sometimes I wonder if it's possible for them to change after an affair....and even if they do....how long can it last? Will they fall back into the rutt they were in before? will they cheat again if you are having a rough day or week?

I dont think I can ever trust him again. I wish with all my heart that I could. I pray about it every day. I want to trust him and believe what he says. I want to believe all the great ideas he has for our future....but stupid once..stupid twice..stupid three times...how many more can I take? how much more can you take? you deserve to be happy too.

<<hugz>>

Thanks for sharing your story. I keep reading about how it's best not to appear desperate and it's so hard when that is how you feel. Most of the time when we're together it's like we act as though nothing is wrong....I can almost imagine that there isn't an affair going on. I'm happy to be with him....happy to see hime when I get home, happy to email him from work. I don't know if I'm just blocking out the truth of what's really going on or what, but it sometimes scares me that I can just go on like everything is ok.

I guess I'm hoping that he will realize that I am the one that he wants...by doing the plan A, not the LBing. But a big part of me feels like he's so involved with this woman that there is no chance.
The OW does know about me....has since the beginning and does know that I'm pregnant. In some emails I found last week I read one that was written the beginning of Sept. from her to my H that me getting pregnant was one of her biggest worries.
She knows that I am now and I guess that doesn't matter to her.

I worry about the cheating again too...I know he does as well...when we have talked about making our marriage work, he said one time that he was worried because he didn't know why it happened in the first place and what if it happened again. I told him that's a big reason we need a counselor to help us.

I guess right now my biggest concern is in getting him back. I know it has to be his choice and I've probably tried to "educate" him too much in our discussions. He doesn't like to feel like someone is telling him what to do. I've always known this so I've tried in other situations to make it like it's his idea....This one is a hard one though....he's going to have to decide and I just hope it's not too late.

I know how you feel in the wanting to trust him again. It's so hard when it happens to you though, isn't it. Five minutes before I found out about the affair I would have said that I would never stand by for it and would be divorced asap. Once it actually happened I felt differently. And it's hard for others to understand this. I've told my sisters you don't know what it's like until it happens to you.
I think you need to decide for yourself what is best and when to say ok, I"ve had enough.

Oh girl that first part of your message about not wanting to face the truth and feeling that everything was perfect is EXACTLY how I felt. When I was with him we acted like everything was wonderful and we enjoyed each other's company. I never wanted to see the truth of the situation...that we were both living seperate lives because we werent sharing our lives completely as you should in a marriage.

when he left me the first couple times I was BLIND to it ... I didnt want to believe he was doing anything other than what he was telling me. I wanted to believe that he was just needing some space. Almost living in my own fantasy about what he was doing behind my back.

You say your biggest concern is getting him back right? Well mine was too. Once I had proof of him cheating I booted him so far he musta hit the clouds. lol Even then......I waited for about 2 months for him to tell me he wanted me.... and tell me he'd made a mistake and wanted our marriage. but it didnt happen. Yes it is so different when its happening to you.

I recently went back to him...he is now legally my ex. but I do still love him...so I wanted to try to make it work.... just as you want his heart to return to you ....so did I.

makes perfect sense that you want your family together. the question is.......will you be happy? will you ever trust him again? will it happen again?
If you think you can get through all those things together and remain married....will he make changes to prove to you that his heart and soul is yours? Even if he makes those changes...will that be enough for you?

I ask these things because I am trying to reconcile with my ex right now. I left my home and job and everything I had done by myself after our divorce. I was in a new state and was living good as a single mom. I moved to another state to work things out. Then it goes back to the original part of this message.....can you act like nothing happened and just pick up and go on as if nothings wrong? I couldnt. I did it before but I just cant do it now. Reality has hit me and I see everything and now I knwo there's so much more I dont know and I cant believe I can "live" with that.
I think your husband needs to realize that you are a strong woman and wont allow him to do this to you. it would be different if the affair was done and over with and you were picking up the pieces now.....but it's not over. I really hope that his heart returns to you. It sounds like he does love you....otherwise he'd just leave. So if you still have communication then maybe you and he can talk ...but I think as long as you allow him to do this ...he will.

OK HMB: Here it is in a nutshell. I have reflected on that because my wife has brought up the same issue.

I felt our marriage reached the lowest point possible. Always argueing, nothing I do is ever right, we didn't spend time together ALONE etc. I worked long hours and a co-worker started to make me feel good about myself....EGO. I loved it....someone MADE me feel attractive. At one point I didn't care if my W found out. THEN SHE DID!! I had an emotional affair for 2 months NO SEX (I'm glad, I feel bad, but would feel worse) I too felt like I wanted this person for life....she made me happy. I felt GOOD. Needs my wife WASN'T filling. I finally fired OW. My wife saw the flirting (hurt her) I kept lying. Never really came clean until a year after EA. She had so much pain and I feel so bad.....because this whole time I REALLY DID love her.....just SO confused. My wife and I had a terrible fight. She left for a week. I was so scared my family was gone (little girl). She finally came back and things seemed better. Never did get proper help to fix marriage and here we are now in divorce proceedings.

Ok, for most men I feel and have read that just because they have an affair DOES NOT mean they don't love their wife, but they want to be attractive to other women and try "dating" outside the marriage. Not right or good. Key is you need to "affair proof" your marriage. Sit down and discuss each others needs....emotional and physical and see how you can meet them. Remember dating (courting)? You spent all your time together doing fun stuff (falling in love). When you stop doing this your marriage becomes stale and common....light the fire! If you stop doing these things you drift apart and the bond isn't there....arguing ensues and you push each other's buttons and then you begin to dislike the other person.

Get professional help.....meet each other's needs....spend a lot of time TOGETHER.....NO KIDS....be romantic...talk talk talk and then talk again......become best friends...be HONEST about everything.

I wish I had practiced then what I preach NOW...God knows it would have been a success.....look out lucky next woman (still holding out for W though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Al...I didnt realize you had that type of an affair. That is the same type my ex had. or so he says. he says he never slept with any of the women. Not sure I believe that but that is his story. I agree with what you say about rekindling the romance in the marriage. Problem with that is that most people who cheat have no interest in putting in the 'effort' to rekindle the fire. They just dont want to "try" because the effort is too hard for them. Too much other stuff going on in life.
I dont understand why when you have a great woman in front of you that you wouldnt "try"... like now my ex tells me how much I mean to him and that I'm a great wife, woman, and mom....but all I can think is how he didnt ..as he put it...have it in him to try before.
Everything you say about wanting attention and ego and such makes alot of sense. WE want that attention too though. I felt very sad at times when I wanted so much for him to just TALK to me and he was so much into himself and his own world that I couldnt get that out of him. There was even a time for 2 weeks where he never even SPOKE to me even though we lived in the same house. I had no idea what was happening. THAT was when he says he was calling the dating service. Said he wasnt talkin to me so therefore we were "seperated". His way of making his actions ok to himself I think. Like psychological manipulation of himself? haha is that possible?

Can I ask why you told your wife after a year? Was it to make yourself feel better? It seems fessing up to it after all that time would only cause conflict. Was it that you loved her and couldnt take that you deceived her and wanted to come clean???

OK.......first of all are you telling me your husband only had numerous emotional affairs? One I can believe....more than that NO WAY! Sorry even hard for me to swallow and I can believe a lot.

My wife "knew" about affair. By the way an EA is no difference than a physiacal affair....both hurt the same! My wife evn told me the EA is worse??? I don't know. My W found all the hints........me staying out late not telling her where I was going etc., she found some notes, cell phone and people told her. Of course I denied. I was now in fear of losing what I had and realized I messed up.......but I craved the attention I wasn't getting at home. Communication was a problem for us as most.

Every argument we had last year she would bring up and I would deny.........didn't want to hurt her more, but by not coming clean I now realize it hurt her more. If I had told her before then maybe we'd be in recovery, I just prolonged the agony............big mistake. In August when I realized my W was looking on websites to talk to other men we had a talk.....she wanted to know the truth and I finally acknowledged it all. I felt great it was in the open. She was hurt all over again.....I could see it in her eyes. Still she wanted to know more. She said"these are things I already knew, I'm sure more happened". She really feels we had sex.....but it didn't happen so I am NOT going to admit something that didn't happen.

She knows I am remorseful (she did say that a couple of weeks ago) She knows I'm changing and I sound different, but I still don't feel she is going to give me a chance. Funny We separated Sept 5th. In June we had a talk, and she said she loved me. I scheduled a counseling appointment, but after talk felt we could work on it --BIG MISTAKE......then in August says "I love you and care about you, but I'm not in love with you"????? She told priest I have given him many chances but they never meant anything then.....why now??? Because it took a drastic situation as this to wake me up!!! Now I know our marriage can be a beautiful place for her if I get the chance. I think she is so afraid that it will go back to the same way and I'll break her heart again. I know it won't. I've been going to IC since August.....good for me.

Anyway we all make mistakes...God has forgiven me. I hope someday she will.

PS: Did you add me to yahoo IM???

Yah he said he had been with a dating service for a few months. Said that he'd talked to girls on a chat line...one of those phone numbers you find in the newspaper in the "escort" section and that he and a friend at work did the calls together sometimes and it was all for play and jokes. Said they would sit on the phone laughing at how "stupid" the girls were .... I dont believe that for one minute. He slipped and told me one time that the friend was his night relief and that he always comes no more than 5 mins before he leaves. sooo if that's the case...how did they make all those calls "together". simple. they didnt.
YES..the emotional affair is the worst. At least when it's sex maybe it's a physical sexual thing...when its emotional...it's taking YOU from ME and giving yourself to her! It's like you're sharing with her all the things you shoulda been sharing with me....chances are you are sharing MORE with her than you ever did with me. Like I know that you were telling this woman about your marital problems and in fact if you had been telling your wife about your marital problems she'd have listened and maybe even worked to fix them right then and there. I agree with your wife...the emotional ones are the hardest to deal with. I feel like he gave his heart away when it belonged to me and never thought twice. I also believe that if I hadnt caught him he'd have continued doing it.
I think you telling your wife about your affair was a relief to you. I think under those circumstances maybe you even made your wife feel bad for confronting you that you were cheating when you would fight...in result making her feel even worse.
I think that someone can be remorseful and change for a short time....but most of the time you're gonna get comfy again and go right back into your old "you". it's just who we are. yes I think people cna change..dont get me wrong. but the question is....is it a permanent lifelong change? probably not. Maybe I'm speaking with too much emotion but honestly...you WILL get more comfortable if you guys get back together and in time..maybe not for a few yrs..in time you will go back to your old ways in some way or another. dont you think?

Yes, that's why you need to work harder .....no one said it would be easy. I already told her we would continue counseling to keep us in line. We would also use our priest as our safety net and others. You HAVE to have a support system in place for reconciliation.....and beyond. Most think you can do it alone and just get back together.....NOT.

I am on Yahoo IM now if want to chat......alanneila@yahoo.com

work harder? goodness...I dont have the strength for that anymore! I even told him tonight I cant handle him not "working thru" the problems and trying to just pick up and go on like nothing happened. I think one positive thing is that you've brought God into your life. I think that would make a huge difference to me if my ex did that. wouldnt change the past but it would affect my feelings of his heart. I'll get on yahoo in a few...if you're on still. I'm in the middle of doing some work right now.

Do you guys go to church?? If not start. Tell him this is what you want and ask him to do it for you. My priest says he could tell how happy we were when going. For 2 years (she has her business) and I built a restaurant from ground up (building and all) so we never saw each other and stopped church.....dad. We put money and work ahead of each other, family and God! Never again. You need Christ so your life is balanced.

You have your body, mind, and spirit. If God is not filling in your spirituality then it is void.....allowing satan to attack yourself and in turn your family. Fill up your spirit with God and see what things can happen. I am not religious but am taking those steps now. I need to for me.

My wife is catholic, but at times I don't see it. I am now taking RCIA classes (classes neccesary to converT to catholosism. I am comfortable in the catholic church. Not doing for wife, but me. She knows I'm doing it, but i'm sure she feels like it's just to get her back.

aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!! I just typed this long reply and it lost my message when I wasnt logged in right. lol

ok in short...we dont go to church together. He's told me many times he will go but never follows thru with it. I really always try not to be a nagging type so I leave the ball in his court....figure if what I want means as much to him as he says it does then he'll make the effort. Well he has not accepted God into his heart. I took him to church once and they had where you could go in front of the pastor and commit or re-commit your life to God and I asked if he'd ever do that and he laughed so hard and said NO!!! He is very caught up in his own worldly pleasures. He is money hungry all the time. Even when we were married and had 20k in the bank he still worked 2 jobs. I begged him to be home with us but he said why not work two jobs while he has the oppty. Now he's working 3 jobs! He has such a heavy debt to pay off from the divorce. So in between working 3 jobs, school and sports (his obsession) where is there time for family? I wish he would soften and realize that family is suppose to be first. He talks a wonderful talk...but he needs to walk the walk now. I think it's wonderful that you've made alot of evident changes in your life. IF you are being sincere with them...then your wife will certainly see them very soon.

I hope your right about her seeing changes. Our priest told her that he sees the changes and that he can tell that my love for her is sincere. She said that this is what her grandparents are telling her too. She told priest " If he truly loves me that he will give me the space and time I need". But see I failed to fill my W's needs, so I have to fill as many as possible before D is final. Only problem is to her she feels it is guilt and desperation and I don't truly love her. I emailed her what you said about respect and giving her time to deal with emotions. Letting her know it would be nice if she would tell me what I can do to make things between us better. It's so much harder when we talk little, only when she rarely calls and heven't seen each other since Sept. Right now I have planted a lot of seeds and have to sit back for a couple of weeks and see if she calls me. When we have talked she talks alot about realationship....she tries to justify that she is making the right choice by picking it apart.

Anyway....your husband has serious issues if he won't do some things that you ask of hi. The 3 jobs over family is terrible. I think he is really making his choice. I really think you need to comsider going into plan B. His jobs and activities are his "affair" right now, so Plan B can still be implemented. Let him know you love him, but changes HAVE TO be implemented and if not you will not try to work on the marriage. Slam the door on him.......DO NOT be a door mat and see what happens. I wish I was in the position to use this. Rejection can be a very powerful tool!

M: I know your in a tough situation too where it's happened numerous times...I guess I feel that if my H comes around, I'll probably be testing and probably snooping still to make sure he's telling the truth. He's been with the same woman since April, but there have been lies about how many times he's seen her...I thought 4 and found out it was actually 7. When I discovered his emails from her that dated back to April I really found out a lot that he had lied about. So I know that if we reach recovery, that is going to be a tough one. And I'd like to say that if it did happen again, that would be it, but I guess you don't know until it happens. I probably am listening to my heart too much right now, but it feels right to stay and try and make myself better so that he chooses to stay with me.
I know I can forgive...I doubt I'll ever forget, but I seem to be good at blocking it out, at least right now, so I think I can put it behind me and be happy. As for trusting him again that's a hard one...it will depend on if we make it and how he seems...I know he feels terrible for hurting me all these monhts....although not enough to stop the contact now. It would probably take awhile for me to trust him and I doubt I would ever trust him fully....after this I don't know that I would trust anyone completely like that.
I know I can't pick up like nothing is wrong...we definitely need counseling to find out why htis happened and how to keep it from happening...I know he has that concern too...he said to me once that he worries it would happen again. I said that's why we need someone else to help us with this.
Your right that I need to be stronger about this....not desperate. I know he does love me but is not "in love" as they say...

Are you and your ex going to counseling now to try and pick things back up? When you say reality has hit and you can't believe you can live with that, does this mean your not trying to reconcile now?

AA: Thanks for sharing that...I think my H felt the same way...someone showed interest in him and made him feel good. He has been especially down about his job and it was someone to talk to. Also he has said to me that he feels he can't do anything right, can't meet my expecations...He is a perfectionist and I think he sets expectations higher than I do...I told him I only expect him to be a faithful husband right now. And he can't give up the contact so I guess he's right on that one.
I think we need to figure out before the A what pressures he felt, etc. Because we never argued as much before the A as after.

Was the drastic situation that caused you to wake up when your wife left for that week? Is that what finally ended the A? I never thought of the WS being the one to do a plan A, I guess because as the BS I'm the one working to get him back..I think that maybe your wife needs time...Probably just like I need to give my H time to get over this A and realize I am who he wants, your wife needs time to realize that you do regret what has happened and are committed to your marriage. I just wish my husband was like that right now.

Sorry to hear about your situation.
The week my W left was the time I woke up. She gave me a plan B and it worked! She didn't even know it...........I love you, but look what YOU are losing.....nothing worse than seeing your wife and baby get in a car and leave you.

Alan...I told my ex to give me space and time I needed when I was seriously trying to sort out my head. I was buying time so I could make my decision and my move without him pressuring me for any information or answers. Sorry but honestly that's exactly what I said. so i'd be concerned with what exactly she is needing time for. Ask her directly. I dont mean to scare you but I told my ex that when I filed the papers. I was so scared he'd file first and I was told that whoever filed first had the upper hand and I was scared to death of losing my child. It might be nothing ...I mean you guys are heading towards the end of this but...I would ask her what it is she needs time for.
Can I give ya a silly idea? My ex begged me the night before to stop the divorce. I thought to myself ....HECK no...I just spent 12 thousand bucks on this...I'm not eating that. In other words...it did come down to money...I had gone through so much and I wasnt going to lose what I had AND the money AND have him stay the same way as he was before. Do I make any sense? I dont know what her atty fees and such are...but maybe you could ask her if that's an issue for her and maybe suggest you could help her payit off with time if you guys are together. You could deal with it all together. I tell ya..those atty fees really cause some stress and sadness. It was an issue for me....possibly it could be for her too?

Yes I think he has some serious issues too. he knows he does. He justifies his working so much because I quit my job to move to be with him and I am not working at this moment. so he says in order to pay off all the debt from our divorce he needs to work that much. School..well he goes to school because he has the GI bill that is running out and its good for him to progress in his education so he can achieve his goals in the future. Sports..well that's always been there. He is better in certain months because he watches less tv every day like he does per say during basketball season. He knows he has these issues and tries to cut the sports down a bit but he doesnt realize how it dominates his life. He MUST have some type of sports daily. He even took his mini handheld tv to dinner when the angels were in the world series. Yes he has his priorities messed up but he thinks "this is me and always has been".

I dont know what plan A or B is....I havent read up on that. I have rejected him in the past. I am kinda doin that now. I came here to get away from him and the stress of trying to work things out. He keeps telling me to come back. I told him I cant and the peace here is nice. he wanted to know why I said that and I told him we havent worked through anything. he wants it all to just go away on it's own. I am thinkin I need to tell him that I need to stay where it's peaceful and try to work through the resentment and issues we have together. I HAVE been a door mat through our whole relationship. I was actually in counseling like 1 1/2 yrs ago and the doc told me to get out of my relationship because it was a huge issue for me. He said that I needed to find out why I felt it was OK for him to walk all over me and rule me with his words and actions. When i seperated from him I called my doctor and told him and he said he was happy and that I will be emotionally healthier because I am nto being used as a door mat. He was right. But I do still love him. So how do you teach someone not to use you as a door mat?????

HMB: How is it you discovered his affair? How did you find his emails? I was thinking and wondering if it's possible he WANTED you to find the emails??
I listened to my heart too...like you...and now it is one year after our seperation and I am stillllllll not happy. You cant make it like nothing happened or is happening. You cant allow him to have an affair in front of you. If you dont tell him you cant handle it emotionally and it has to stop then you're being the same doormat I have been. you need to explain to him that it's not healthy for you OR your baby to be going through all this. How would you feel if you had your baby and went to the store for some alone time and found out that she'd come by your house to see your baby while you were gone? I mean these are REAL issues that you are going to have to deal with soon. She is going to begin to pressure him because she feels she is going to lose him when you have the baby.
Yes my ex and I are trying to reconcile. I moved from the west coast to the east coast where he had moved with his family in Aug. It was horrible there. We were living in his parents house and it was one big cluster F*** if ya know what I mean. I left there..it was just an awful environment...and went to ca. he followed me. we stayed in a hotel....I refused to get an apt because I didnt want to be "stuck" there if I couldnt get past the affair emotionally. I needed to get away so I came here to sort my head. so that's what I'm doing. He's beggin me to come back to ca but I refused because he wants me to keep going like nothing happened and I cant. I think we need counseling AND church. he thinks when we can afford counseling he'll "try" it and I would have to nag him to get to church. therefore....what changed? so he shows me a bit more love now? ok great...but I cant give him the love back because I am too scared of being hurt. So what kind of woman (wife?) can I be to him? Not a very good one right now. Why does he not care and still want me there???????? Makes me question his motives and sincerity.
I have done just like you....I wanted to keep going and act like nothing happened because it was emotionally easier for me to deal with. I ignored the problem for geesh...maybe 3 years. NOW...in the last few months it has hit me. REAL HARD. I have pulled myself out of his bubble and realized the manipulation that was going on and still is. He makes it all seem like it's "not a big deal" when it is to ME. I think he knows it is a big deal...just as your husband does....but it's easier for him to deal with your sadness if you'll still keep him. so he can keep both you girls....the other girl knows of you and has dealt with it for months. you know of her and have dealt with it also. So how long can you accept it?

I'm quite sure he didn't want me to know about the affair....When I first found out in July it was because he was on the computer and it seemed like every time I walked by he would quickly change the screen he was on...I had noticed the first sentence though, and asked straight out if there was something I should know about and he finally said yes and told me. The emails I just found a couple weeks ago, but it was because I went to his office at work when I knew he was out and checked there....so no, he wasn't planning on telling me I'm fairly certain.

I know with the baby coming and everything that my emotions are going to be getting even crazier and that does worry me. Right now I feel like I can handle what is going on and do want to make my marriage work. I'm trying to be smart about it though and believe I will know when I've had enough. Right now as long as he is at home and OW lives 7 hours away I think Plan A is my best bet. I do have a big safety net of friends and family though in case things don't work out, so maybe that is why I'm not ready to give up yet...I kind of have a security blanket if I need it.
I'm actually hoping that OW does pressure him because he can't stand that....someone pressuring him, trying to control him, etc. and I think it would be a big negative for her. I guess in a way I hope that him coming to all my appointments, etc. it will help us become closer. He want's to be a part of this baby's life and go through all of this pre-natal stuff too. And I think that will be tough for OW to handle and I'm hoping will turn her off.

I know the acting like nothing is wrong isn't that healthy....I guess that's why I'm on this site all the time and see a counselor once a week....I'm dealing with it, but just not when I'm around H. I don't know if I could ignore it for three years...that had to be tough. I haven't set a time limit, but I think I'll know when it's hopeless and time to give up.

On the counseling end have you looked into your insurance covering part of it? Ours doesn't cover joint counseling, but our counselor (he's actually a psychiatrist) will just charge the session to one of us and we pay a $20 co-pay.
I think that is a key, both for you and for me. My H hasn't agreed to us going back yet, but I think he will.
I can understand you being scared of being hurt...I think you'll know when you've had enough and when you can't take anymore. At least I hope I'll know that...from what I've read here that when your love bank is close to empty is when you fall out of love for your spouse...I don't feel like I'm close to that point yet. I guess I also feel like I couldn't be hurt any worse than I have been already. At least I hope it can't get worse...
I really feel for you though...it's so hard because you can't make them understand how important counseling is or realize how you can't act like nothing happened. They have to make that choice, that decision to work on things and try to understand your perspective. I guess that's really hard for me too, because I think my H doesn't even realize how much of a "fog" he is in.

I think that's wonderful you're going to counseling. I think that would help me alot too. We dont have insurance though. I quit my job to move to be with him a few months back and he moved to ca and quit his job to follow me when I left him.....so needless to say insurance isnt an option. I dont think you can know when you've had enough if you're not a strong person. I used to be very strong...but through time and manipulation I have been forced to deal with alot and I feel that I am NOT strong whatsoever now. Almost like I am numb.
I know you want your husband to come around to you. But so did I. I wanted nothing more than to have his heart come back to me. Now as we are a few years past the initial breakup, I have realized all that I was blinded to (or didnt want to see) for all those years. Dont get me wrong. I love my ex and I wish I could make it work. But the fact is that I cant get over what he's done to me and I dont know HOW to do that. I dont feel he deserves me taking care of him and being a good wife to him for all he's put me through. Just like you...you have gone through so much and he has no regard for your emotional wellbeing NOR the baby to be putting you through this. It sounds like there were some signs you caught onto for you to go to his work and see his emails. Doesnt it worry you that he has been living this double life behind your back? That was probably the hardest thing. That he was coming home to me and sitting RIGHT in front of me....his wife....knowing he was doing all that shady stuff behind my back. I havent done alot of reading on the love bank and the plans and such. It seems to work for alot of people though. But I cant figure out how to soften my heart to him. I really hope you guys are able to work through this. It's tough being a single mom. trust me. But I have to say I was at least at peace when I was making all the decisions on my own. But life is about the ups and downs more than the peace sometimes.

Things usually tend to work out for me so I guess I'm looking at this as a big down...and that it's got to go up again. I always say, things will work out....this is one time when I don't know if I really believe it, but it's worth a shot.
I know my friends and family that know about this are worried about me because I always have been a very strong person and they see staying with him as being weak.
But I think leaving could be weak and it may take more strength to stay and make it work so thats what I'm doing for now.
I'd suggest reading some of the articles and stuff on this board...the love busters, infidelity sections, etc. I re-read them all the time and it helps. I need to get some of the books they talk about too...the surviving an affair especially. I guess I hoped I wouldn't need them, but I think they can help.