Married for 21 years--most of them happy- we lived together for 2 years before marriage--our sex life was ok--there were times that it was fantasic. I noticed early on that it was somewhat infrequent, even kept track, thinking I had forgotten. That was at the beginning--after we had been married 10 years or so, he just lost interest. I have never turned him down--he did often turn me down. We were now averaging maybe once a month. He is very sensitive to this, gets very hurt and upset--we have had possibly 5 discussions total on this issue.

About 5 years ago things got worse--we actually went 3 years without any sex. I waited night after night--waiting for my birthday--surely he would make love to me then? Christmas? Nothing. I asked him during my birthday dinner if he did not find me attractive--he replied he did--when trying to tell him that I wasn't feeling that way, as tears poured down my face, he did not respond. We also did not make love for almost a year after that.

In the past 2 years, we have made love perhaps 5 times max--In 01/02 thru my work, someone flirted with me, and I felt myself respond. I was NOT looking, and it actually took me several minutes to even understand what was being said to me--I did have a few phone calls with this person, and by chance we were both going to a convention in another state.

I was horrifed with myself--thinking of all the things that could happen, what was I doing? Friends have always said that I gave off an aura of being so happily married, that it puts off any signals to men--But somehow I must have had a look-or something--regardless, I felt I needed to broach this again with my husband before I left town-

Before I left for this convention, I had another talk with my husband--asked him if he was seeing someone--asked if he wanted a divorce--asked if he just didn't have any interest in me as a woman--his reply was, not seeing anyone, didn't want a divorce, and found me very attractive and desirable. I then suggested he see a doctor to find out if there was a medical issue. Stated that I was too young to give up that part of my life--and that he also should feel that way.

He said that I was his best friend etc--at that point I was angry and told him to get a dog--I was a woman and his wife and needed more-- And yes, that was out of line--.

We did not make love that night, or when I returned home from the convention, and also have not at any time since-

My husband is one to pull the 'poor me' and 'why do you put up with me' ' I am so fortunate that you are in my life' routine--I use to believe that he meant it, and I now think he uses it to stop the conversation-- why kick the dog when it is down thinking--

Is there any hope here? I am getting so that I want to travel as much as possible to get away from the rejection--

I don't want to be mean and nasty to him--he is an absolute wonderful guy--he IS my best friend--however, I need a husband- and one that wants to have physical relations with me---While sexual issues are hard to discuss anyway, I have always tiptoed around with this so as to protect his ego--one wrong phrase can do so hard to take back--and I find myself now so resentful that I am always worried about his ego and feelings--

I am losing all confidence in myself, as a woman and a person.

thoughts and suggestions are greatly appreciated!

Hi and welcome to MB,

While your situation is not as bad as some of the others you may benefit from the book: His needs/Her Needs by Dr. Harley. If you can read the concepts section above and print off the emotional needs questionnaire. If both can take it great, if not you take it for the both of you. You may find it to be revealing.

Your H's problem could be medical or psycological. A proper MC should be able to help. Steve and Jennifer here at MB are both qualified counselors who have helped many. They do phone counseling, cost a pretty penny but well worth it.

Hope this helps.

take care,
L.

I appreciate the response, thank you.

My biggest fear is that it is almost too late. I hope with all my heart that I can be accepting if he decides to change his ways. But as months go by, I find myself getting more and more resentful.

Looking over the survey, I know that if I honestly answer the questions, he will be shattered. Yes, he needs to know the truth regardless. But he does stick his head in the sand and most times would rather not know.

I am leaving tomorrow for business and will not be back for a week. I can not drop a bomb like this on him while gone--. His schedule is such that I will have to wait until next week-end. I am now very resentful of that--trying to discuss something with him when it is a 'good time' for him.

I spent quite a bit of time in the past 2 weeks thinking this over, and while everything else does seem to be almost perfect in our marriage, this is a huge issue for me. While it may seem small in comparison to other problems out there, I am so fearful that I will find affection elsewhere, and then feel justified in taking those steps-.

I sound like a sex crazed woman, and I am not--sexually frustrated yes.

So once we take the survey and review things, and talk them over--then what? He is hurt, promises he will make an attempt, and then nothing. No--I haven't already given up--but in our past talks it has gotten us nowhere.

I have tried so hard to handle this delicately with him--giving him space, telling him the few times we did have sex over the past years that he is a wonderful lover--he is a great looking man--and I have also told him that on a regular basis. He is the friend I would rather be with on a Saturday shopping more than anyone else. We often have laughed that we connect so well that it is scary-- and I find myself biting my tougue so as not to add on to that with a snotty remark--

So I guess I am scared --scared that I won't be able to give 100% if he wants to try--my resentfulness is getting so strong-

Has anyone gone thru this? And made it? Or not--anyone with ideas and advice?