I BLEW IT!

I can't do this. I am not cut out to do this. It seems like I don't have a right to be upset or hurt, she gets even more upset and cuts me off on the phone. She keeps telling me the R with the OM is not what I think but yet does not tell me what it is. What kind of games are those?

I am hurting. I am crying. I can't do this. All my efforts for the last few weeks down the drain. Can somebody just restrain me? How can I stop from feeling this pain, this anger? I want to stop feeling.

My son told me tonight he received another gift from the OM's daughter whom he met at the same time my W met the OM. He was delighted. This is the third time the b*st*rd has sent them something. And all my W does is defend him saying all he is doing is sharing what they have that it was from the little girl to my son, there is no hidden motives, etc. etc. etc.

I lost it. I told her to open her eyes. The OM is doing this because of her not because of her D. I really, really lost it. I told my W I had asked her to put a stop to this. She can do anything she wants with the OM but leave my S out of it. She didn't do it. So I told her if she couldn't ask the OM to stop, I would. And I, stupid me, called him. Why? Why? Why? What the h*ll am I doing? I can't handle this anymore. It is the first time I speak to him after d-day. He answers and it is so polite to me and then I told him that I was asking him to please stop sending my son gifts and at that point the coward just said "ah" and hung up on me.

I lost it once again. I called my W and did too many LBs. I can't win this war. I've been doing so well holding my anger in and it just came out. I have to do something to get it out but not to her. When I was a teenager and my early 20's I was an angry young man, but never violent. Then, I figured out that you can't go around life being that way and I haven't been angry since then... until now.

I made another mistake. A major LB. I told her that since early Sept. I have been trying to come to agreements with her regarding our son but she won't let me because she attacks me, she ignores my call, etc. Finally a few weeks ago, she agreed to work it out together w/o the lawyers. I told her the deal is off because she still continues to allow contact between the OM, his daughter and my S. So, from now on I am not willing to play nice because she's not playing nice. In fact, I told her she was right, that I was putting up with too much sh*t from her (she's been telling me that) and that I won't anymore. From now on all goes through the lawyers.

I blew it! I can't do this. I want this nightmare to end. I told her I don't know if I will be able to make it until this Friday. What is her response? Call your IC's emergency number and does that mean I am failing my son since I may not go this weekend. She was so cold; where was her compassion? I need to calm down. This is too much.

What on earth did I do? Why did I stoop so low and called him? I told myself early on that I would never call him. I probably sounded like a desperate fool to him. But, who cares what he thinks.

I want to blame her for all this. Sometimes I want revenge. Note, people, not violent revenge but rather I want them to feel the pain I am feeling. Why do I wish that if I love her so much? Is this part of my anger?

Forget it. I'm giving up once again. I blew it once (by not making the M work), I am blowing it again. I guess I may not deserve to be married and to have a happy family. That's all I wanted, to have a wonderful wife, great kids and give them the most stable environment I could. I wanted us to live to our 90's/100's and sit together on rocking chairs next to one another. I wanted us to tell our grandkids stories. What's wrong with wishing that? If I couldn't handle the first 10 yrs, who says I will be able to handle the next 60?

I know this is not God's fault. I may have overreacted; but where is He right now? I know Christ can feel and felt my pain but why can't He lessen it just a notch?

I'm headed for divorce. Since I was a young kid I knew I never wanted this for myself, and look where I am now. My W may be right, it's all my fault. I didn't know how to save my M during our hardest crisis. And the b*st*rd won, no matter what she tells me that this is not about their R. So, if it isn't and there is no R between them, why keep the friendship knowing how much it hurts me? Why involve my son?

I am sorry if I let you down, all of you who have helped me. This is too much. This has been my biggest test and I've failed it.

G'night all.

(((((((( uc ))))))))

You made a few mistakes tonight. It's not the end of the journey in the grand scheme of things. Instead of beating yourself up about them, LEARN from them, and don't make the same mistake twice (or three times, or four, etc <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

And although you may not feel it now, this is merely just a bump in the rollercoaster ride. I don't think you're ready to get off of it quite yet. At least not for good. Perhaps just a few days of respite for yourself would work to calm the nerves?

Remember...you're emotional right now. And making big decisions based on emotions is not the good path to take right now.

Karen

Thanks a lot, Karen.

Right now it doesn't feel like merely a jump on the RC ride, it feels more like a big drop. A tall bungee jumping drop (and I hate bungee jumping). And I felt like I hit the river. Cold water, down to the bottom. The freakin' river my W and the OM talk about. Part of their quest is to make it across the river to the other side where everything is so much better and it will be worth the pain and wait they've endured, where they will be together. They don't know this pain.

Let me ask you this. When my W says I don't know everything going on between them and I am assuming things, is it possible that they broke it off and they have remained friends? I don't think so. I think she still hopes there is something there. Can one really remain friends after an EA? Why is he sending my S gifts from his D?

And something else that hurts me is that I'm pretty sure after my W hung up they talked on the phone. I'm sure he was there for her, to support her, shoulder to cry on. Did she laugh it off with him? or was she so upset, he helped to calm her down. I know I am speculating but I am almost certain they did because I asked her who called who and she was evasive about it and never answered me. And who do I have? No one, not even my S (he's 1400 miles away). And who comforts me, who offers me words of comfort on the phone? Nobody. I called a couple of friends, their voice mail picked up, I am sure they were asleep. Besides, I don't want to bother people.

I really want this to end.

Thanks for taking the time, really.

<small>[ November 04, 2002, 11:32 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by utterlyconfused:
<strong>Let me ask you this. When my W says I don't know everything going on between them and I am assuming things, is it possible that they broke it off and they have remained friends? I don't think so. I think she still hopes there is something there. Can one really remain friends after an EA? Why is he sending my S gifts from his D?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course it is possible that their relationship has ended. Although IMO, that's rather unlikely. I would think that your W would come right out and say it was over, if it was.

I don't think a person can remain friends after an EA. Not at this stage in life anyways. I remember doing that as a teenager. Hey! Maybe they believe they CAN remain friends! After all, don't they think they're reliving what they've missed out on?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> (far fetched, I know. Just searching for a small smile).

The fact that gifts are being sent to your S confuses me too. However, you have to remember: you cannot control their actions; only your own.

I hope you were able to get some rest last night. My perspective on H's A's always changed for the better once I had a few hours sleep in me.

Karen

uc ... check your Yahoo! mail later. I'll be sending you some mail there. And Karen has given you great advice and re-assurance.

Thanks for your support. I will reply when I have more time. A friend invited me to dinner. I hope she does not get tired of me. Today's been gloomy, little hope for the future. I know in the long term I will be OK but right now that's not helping. Everyday I lose her more and more.

She insisted today our M is not valid in the eyes of God because we didn't know what we were doing. I told her I knew what I was doing, so her reply was, how come I didn't show it during the M.

She even said she does not want to be in the same bed with me because she does not love me. This was a specific example she gave me as to why she cannot work on the M.

She finally admitted to me why it is she does not want (and is not interested) to work on the M: because she is in love with the OM and does not want to let go. She dismisses my theory of romantic love and that all the books and web sites I have visited are about a certain group of people and she's not like them. She says if she continues with the M, she will be forced to take this man out of her heart and that I'm asking her to bleed for a M that she's not interested in. What happens to my bleeding?

<small>[ November 05, 2002, 11:12 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

She finally admitted to me why she cannot work on the M and she is not interested: because she is desperately in love with the OM. She tells me that that's the reason for not giving the M a try but not the reason for the divorce because she wanted to divorce me before the OM came along.

According to her this is about her freedom and independence. Their R simply "is," they are not making plans for the future or anything like that.

Her IC told her that what else did I want, that it was too late for me now. Of course, she's buying this. What kind of IC encourages divorce when there hasn't been any abuse, violence, drugs, etc.?

<small>[ November 05, 2002, 11:57 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

I want to know what kind of IC encourages divorce without meeting with the spouse, too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by utterlyconfused:
<strong>She finally admitted to me why she cannot work on the M and she is not interested: because she is desperately in love with the OM. She tells me that that's the reason for not giving the M a try but not the reason for the divorce because she wanted to divorce me before the OM came along.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hello all. I am back from TX. I will post my weekend experience, hopefully later on tonight. The visit to my son I grade it an A+. It was beyond my expectations. The visit with my W was probably a C to C-. She knows how to push my buttons and I think she did that on purpose. More on that later. I did a lot of Plan A'ing but also some LBs. The good thing is at the airport I left her with a lot of Plan A stuff.

But, anyway. Now she tells me he is not the reason why she does not want to work on the M. She's back to her old routine of a)it will never work and b)she's not interested so "get over it." So I said to her, "OK, prove to me it isn't about him. Instead of returning to the midwest let's move somewhere else, we'll get the divorce as you want to and start our new lives away from him." Her response? Silence.

Utterly,

I would not worry about the other man in the least.
Why waste your valuable time. He will screw up. The reality is that we all do, so he will too.

You need to get back to the basics as soon as possible. It is ok to give up.. It may be that she needs to WONDER if you have given up. That doesn't mean you have to feel it, it just means that is what she may need to perceive. Let her really wonder if you have given up. That doesn't mean that you can't talk to her, but it means that she really senses a change in your attitude. NO PRESSURE, NO PRESSURE!!! NONE..

THE BASICS:

Act happy , Act happy, Act happy... just the way things are..

Keep all talk to happy talk, small talk.... end all conversations first..... Be nice but do not say you love her, no asking her out, let her contact you except for important matters....

You cant just do this for short periods of time and then start to pursue and pressure again.... They feel it and sense even the slightest pressure....

And what do we know about what the other person always does when they feel pressure? That's why we can't do it, because it doesn't work... So we need to use our head here and totally take off all pressure.. The only way we can really do that is to stop all of the little things we are doing that show lack of confidence and self esteem..

It isn't over yet!!!!! Do not ever forget that....

Backing off actually is sometimes exactly what gets them to think and wonder if they have made a mistake... They can't think if we are always hanging in the wings.......Women are attracted to happy, confident men... Ask 100 women what is the number one trait that they are attracted to and the majority will have confidence first or high on the list.....

Hope you understand what I am saying, because you only need to fine tune things a little , and move to the next step.. whatever step you think is right, I wish you well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Keepmvn4wrd:
<strong>Utterly,

I would not worry about the other man in the least. Why waste your valuable time. He will screw up. The reality is that we all do, so he will too.

It isn't over yet!!!!! Do not ever forget that....

Women are attracted to happy, confident men... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keepmvn4wrd,

Thanks for your words of support. The OM seems to be doing everything perfectly! All the things I'm screwing up with, he's doing the opposite so he looks like the hero. During our biggest fight on Saturday, my W said "he didn't do _____, like you did" something I screwed up with. So she's using my screw ups against me and in his favor. My question is why can't he screw up NOW?

According to her she knows his defects but it seems to me she's OK with them. Fog talk? Let me tell you, she's always disliked tattoos because to her it is a sort of mutilation of your body (please people, don't slam her over this). Well, the OM has one on his arm, her response? She is now OK with tattos. How do you go from one extreme to the other?

For the most part I am very confident with her. Where I'm having problems, but I'm getting better thanks to the advice on this web site, is when she tells me hurtful things or pushes my buttons. I am getting better at them but I haven't been able to control myself 100% of the time and of course she only concentrates on the times I don't control myself. I feel like she provokes me and then just waits for a response. Like I said, I'm getting better at recognizing these provocations and not giving in to them, but it's a hard habit to break. I know I will get to 100% or close to it where nothing she says will make me LB to her.

Once again, thanks for words of encouragement.