H & I are now living in separate houses, he is in our primary residence and I am renting. I am hoping for reconciliation, and he is very apprehensive and skeptical, but is at least hearing me on the subject with some consideration.

He has said this is how it has to be, for now, I agree. Alot of trust issues right now.

My question is, I saw not too long ago, a post here on MB saying that Steve H. says that most marriages never reconcile after a separation (living apart). How accurate is this, and what are the circumstances? I'd like to become closer to my husband during this time...not put more of a wedge between us. Any advice to protect this from happening?

IAF

I could be wrong, but I don't think it was "most" marriages don't recover. I think he warns that recovery is more difficult and risky when there has been a separation.

inafunk - I don't think it' the separation, per se, that is the problem. It's the lack of communication, the opportunity for the affair to continue, the lack of willingness on the part of one or both of the spouses to commit to doing the work necessary to rebuild a marriage, that causes the problem.

From your sig line, your affair has not been over long. Having gone through a couple of months of my wife continuing contact with the OM after we began recovery, I know the fears, doubts and lack of trust that your husband is feeling. If there is to be any chance at reconciliation, there must me absolutely NO contact with the OM. As long as he is in the picture in any way, there is no hope for recovery. That, not the separation, is what will do in the possibility of rebuilding your marriage.

My wife and I separated 2 times. First time was about 10 days while she "got her head together". Not much really changed as it turned out. The second time was for a month when I told her to leave after she chose the OM over me. I can honestly say that without us both submitting to God's will and commands, we would not be back together. But we did, and God has faithfully been at work restoring our marriage and our love for each other. We've had our ups and downs, but God has been the "glue" that has held us together, especially during the tough initial stages. We are now in our 6th month, post reconciliation day and it's getting better every day.

The "ball" is in your court. If you want a chance at reconciliation, then the lifetime commitment to never see or talk to the OM must be made. That, frankly, is the least that you should do anyway. Marriage is not a threesome with anyone other than God.

It's not easy, but the rewards of rebuilt love and trust are priceless. You know the pain of stepping outside of marriage and you know the things that contributed to the affair. You know how to avoid those things in the future. Think about how much better things can be with all this additional knowledge.

God bless.

Nothing (except perhaps divorce) is ever going to happen UNTIL you quit seeing, speaking to or having ANY contact with om.

But just because you end contact does not mean your marriage will recover, either.

Is the om so great/good of a person that you are willng to sacrifice everything you had with your h?

Remember, you are still married but living apart. This does not mean you are to go all the time with friends (especially guys) partying, etc. Now is the time to show your h this (separation/divorce) is not what you want.

I am hoping for reconciliation, and he is very apprehensive and skeptical,
So you have something to prove to him. It is NOT acceptable for you to "slip", even a bit.

Please don't think I'm dogging on you. (Make no mistake. You'd know if I was <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) but you have some serious work to do and the time to do it is now.

Maybe I haven't been clear, but I am not seeing OM, nor do I have any further desire to. Ever. I have much animosity towards him, which is a feeling I've never had. I see him in such a different light now.

I am not taking this opportunity to "party" either. It's really not one of my top priorities. I am spending alot of time reading by myself. Everything from marriage help to codependency to cognitive therapy. I just moved, so I've been busy painting and unpacking as well. I am also in IC and just started anti-deps.

But I also will not be a hermit. I do have to get out of the house, so as not to go into a deep depression, which I have been lately. My friends have been extremely supportive when I'm an emotional wreck. Whether it be talking on the phone at any hour, taking me to breakfast, or just sitting with me while I cry. H has also been a great means of support. Thanks for your advice...

IAF

inafunk

Your thread reminds me of J.R.'s latest thread titled Self-esteem can be a dangerous thing... so it's very important that your BH sees that you are indeed changing your ways to become the W he wants to share his life with.

The dangerous aspect of a separation is that often spouses become greatly isolated from one another and the BS not only becomes use to being apart from the WS but begins to enjoy being and living apart from the WS. So I agree with Chris(CA123) that constant communication is vital, otherwise it like the old saying 'out of sight, out of mind'.

If you let him know your whereabouts at all times (you can say it's in case of an emergency) then he may feel that your answering to him is a sign of your good faith on your part. And before you start thinking that this is tantamount to subserviency on your part, think what you would like from him if the roles were reversed.

Maybe I haven't been clear, but I am not seeing OM,
You were clear on that. However, that was through October (which was only 5 days ago).
It's gonna take at least 6-8 weeks before you are strong enough to be "over him".

But I also will not be a hermit. I do have to get out of the house,
I agree this is something you should NOT do (be a hermit). However, you need for your h to see that you are not just living on your own, getting on with your life without him.

My friends have been extremely supportive when I'm an emotional wreck. Whether it be talking on the phone at any hour, taking me to breakfast, or just sitting with me while I cry
No guys involved inthis, right? Only girlfriends? Dangerous time to be involved with guys at all in any personal way.

Please try not to think or look for statistics regarding separation leading to divorce.

Why do you feel separation is necessary now? What is your goal? If your goal is to save your marriage, how is it that what you are doing now will help? I am not trying to draw any conclusions here, I am merely trying to understand your situation.

Chris,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You were clear on that. However, that was through October (which was only 5 days ago).
It's gonna take at least 6-8 weeks before you are strong enough to be "over him".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sig line says "til" the month of October. (Meaning off & on from June til Oct). Maybe I should reword it. It's been about 3 weeks of NC, and I have not had any pining at all, nor withdrawal. It was a relief, actually. Still is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> No guys involved inthis, right? Only girlfriends? Dangerous time to be involved with guys at all in any personal way. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, no guys. Only my girlfriends, who have been just great with me. I only had guys help me move, and they were friends of my best friends husband.