I am comming here for help. I feel that my life is out of control. It started back in April. She told me she wasn't sure she loved me and didn't want to be married. When I heard this I was shocked! I tried to talk to her, big mistake, but it seemed I couldn't stop myself.I moved out for a little while, but then found out she was trying to take her 401k plan assets out, when I asked her why she said none of my business. So, I then had att'y stop this from happening, but that reqired me to file for divorce. I then came back home and tried again to tlk with her but no success. She was staying out late at night and not telling me where she was. I stared then to get suspiciuos and checked her voice mail at work and found out that she was talking to a guy. I later found out that he was just a friend. I then taped recorded her conversations, and found out that she sex with another man, and I was devestated. I confronted her about it and at first seemed to be sorry! But it seems everytime she talks to our sister-law she regains her attitude. This is a women on her third marriage and told my wife that she is not a bad mother because she didn't do it in front of her kids.Since then it has been a whirlwind of court appearences. She used the courtto get me out of the house, but at end of month I will be back in, because I bought it. Then I just obtained50/50 custody of kids.Back in July we had an incident that she tried to keep the kids from me while i had them and we wound up in a pushing and shoving match, for which I will regret for the rest of my life. There was no punching or hitting though. I have just recently found out that she is now involved with a so called "friend" of mine and sleeping in our bed. This was told to me by my kids and they are 6&4. I am in so much pain that I find it hard to go on at times. I see my children suffering tremendously, but she says they will be okay! She refuse to go to counseling, but I can force her to go through the courts and should I? I have also wanted to confront this guy, and should I?Through this whole ordeal she hasn't had to suffer at all. Meaning she has stayed in the house and was controlling the visits i had with my kids.I am hoping that now that I will be moving back into the house and have 50% custody of kids which she now hates me for. I told her this was her choice.I don't want any of this and I don't know if i can get over her affairs,but my kids are worth a 1000 tries!!Do you think that this will make a difference? I still Love her and want us to stay together. I am just a lost! I don't know what to do. In PA you have to wait for a least two years for a divorce. She wants me to sign the papers though, because then it will happen in 90 days. Should I? She won't read anything about any of this. She also says that i filed, but she knew I didn't want this. And I sure this is also how she is justifying her current relatinship. Can anyone help me? I have never experienced any of this kind of pain. I feel like i am going insane. How can anyone be willing to give up 50% of there relationship with there kids. Is there anyone who has gone throught his similar situation and is there any hope? I just can't give up! My kids are depending on me to save there family! I just need some suggestions on what to do from here. I think that if I can get this guy out of her life now she will also experince the lonelyness I do. No!!! one should have to go through this, this is cruel!! We have been married 14 yrs. PLease help!!

Hi DJB<P>Read read read all other posts for starters, I am sure you are already.<P>I am just posting to give you some support. I have been there and remember how devastated I felt. You need to be strong, not just for yourself but for your family. You W is hooked on OM. Your W will only see faults in you and her "old" lifestyle right now.<P>What would I do? For starters I would take a good look in the mirror and regain your self respect and confidence. You need to be strong. Then I would call OM directly and tell him YOU have a family to protect and ask him to back off while you and W work this issue out. If he does not back off then you will need to tell him that he is contributing to the break up of YOUR family.<P>Do not follow W around and look weak. You need to appear confident and strong around her. Exercise or do whatever it take to make you feel good so you have the aura of "good vibes" around you.<P>Tell your W if she decides to go and totally refuses to work things out then be super nice. Tell her you understand how these things happen and DO NOT judge her. Tell her you love her and wish to work things out. She needs to believe that YOU love her and that YOU understand her before YOU start Plan B.<P>Work on yourself first and start immediatly. Ensure your kids are not involved and protect / shelter them from this issue.<P>You need to remember YOU do not OWN your W. She can come and go whenever and with whoever. It HURTS, it SUCKS but you need to stand tall and face it. You are starting on a very emotional rollercoaster.<P>Good Luck<BR>_____________________________________________<BR>"Better to die on your feet than live on your knees"<BR>

Thank you! I have phoned this other and left some angry msg on his voice mail ,but after reading your reply i called back and apoligized and said what you said. This guy knows me and thats what makes it worse.Was this okay!Do you think that by me moving back to the hous at the eom and now that i have this court order for the kids might help her wake up? She has never yet been inconvienced yet and was controlling the kids?You didn't metion if you thought it was a good idea to force her to counselling. I thought that at least I would be able to get my feelings across to her during the time. She was crying during the custody hearing and gave me a look like "how can you do this to me" I felt terriable, but told her that this was her choice! This fling is only a month old, does that make a difference? If he doesn't call me back should I confront him face to face.How do you deal with this pain?

Hi DJB<P>I would move back home. You need to ensure your fully understands that you love here and no matter what decision she makes that you will still love her. You need to start Plan A while living at the house. Be patient and understanding because your W is hooked on OM and when things do not go well she will need a friend to talk to and hopefully that will be you. Ask about her feelings toward OM and listen, DO NOT judge, it hurts to hear how she "loves" or "wants" OM but listen anyways so that you will understand what she is going through. Also after listening for whaile you will be able to tell her your feelings.<P>Ther eis no need to be physical or rude to OM at this point. W will only see this as a negative impact. You need to simply tell OM that YOU have kids that need thier MOM and DAD and that you would just appreticiate the time to ensure this is what your W wants. Tell him if things do not work out between you and W then you have no problems as long as they do not work out because he is influencing your W (keep in mind what they say and do will be 2 different things).<P>After the issue calms down and you 2 start communicating, (really learn how to listen and all about Plan A) you may be able to convince her to go to counsiling. If she flat out refuses then IMO I would force her through the courts only because kids are involved and you are committed.<P>Be strong buddy, take care....

Hi Toronto-m-29<BR> I will be moving back but she is going to get another place. Does that make a difference. In PA the waiting period for a divorce is two years and she wants me to sign now, and then she could have it in 90 days. Should i sign? This all is only 4 mths old. The involvement is just 1 month old. I did what you said and apoligized to this guy on voice mail, I hope this doesn't make me look like a jerk! This is so hard!! I try to talk with her and she just seems to get upset and says that she hates me for what I have done . Freezing the $, court hearing with the kids, and the pushing and shoving that night,it seems that she is mad because I cuaght her and stopped it from happening. What do you think? I was thinking of sending her a card now and on anniversy in Oct 6. Do you think this is a good idea? How about a family intevention? What do I say when she brings up the topic of "Why do still want me" You invaded my privacy? and that i am being an a---! for not letting the divorce go through. I just feel that I can't do that right now! Thanks

Hi there-<P>After reading your posts I feel truly sorry for you and what you and your kids are having to go through because of the selfishness of your W. Granted I do NOT know either of you but your posts sound as though she has only her interests at heart right now. It is a sad shame that some innocent children are being caught up in the middle of all this. Might I suggest that you get yourself together first (meaning that you need to understand it isn't you, it is her and that you are strong enough to handle your life in a levelheaded manner) and then that you make sure you are able to take care of your kids when you have them without mentioning the wrong doings of their mother? Please take it from someone who has been there-it really hurts the kids to be caught in the middle of deciding who did what and who is worse than the other and so on and so forth. Go do things that you enjoy doing-when you have the kids and when you don't. No matter how badly you hurt if she doesn't care you are hurting for no reason. I know it is easy to say but listen-I found out that my H had a 2 year affair on June 1st and although I ams till crushed and dwelling on it a lot of the time the pain has subsided. You will come to realize that you are who you always have been-and that is a good kind person. you are NOT resposnsible for other peoples behaviours-not even your W's. So please-look in the mirror, say hi to yourself, smile and then go about making your day a good day. it takes more work to be unhappy than it takes to be happy-do NOT depend on someone else to give you happiness-it won't ever happen.<P>I will keep you in my thoughts and pray for a fast recovery from all the pain you are suffering. HUG those kids once for me please.<P>*heartache*

Hi heartache! I am sorry to hear about your pain also. I just don't understand who anyone can just walk away from their vows and not do anything about it, before quitting especially when you have kids. Yes my son is suffering greatly from all of this going back and forth and not really having a home just visiting each other. I an so angry with her for putting our children through this suffering. She refuses counselling, but i can get a court order for three sessions, only three though! She wants me to sign the divorce papers, but I can delay this for two yrs. should I ? I even told her that I am not sure that I will get over thie affair, but my kids are worth the effort.I have told her that I so sorry and have owned up to my contributions to the problems, but she has not once said she is sorry! I have refinanced the house and she will have to move out at the eom and we now have a temp. court order for the children , which she cried in the court room and gave me a look like how can i do this!She says she hates me now for all the things i have done. like listening to her voice mail at work, tapping the phone at home and for beating her , which my soul has been paying for ever since. It was that we were just pushing and shoving each other. She wouldn't let the children go with me and this was our time together. I would have never done that to her. I was just pushed too far i guess. She had me kicked out of the house, had an affair, was keeping the kids from me. I have never done this before and will never do it again, i will take my own life before that happens again.I love this women still and I just can't understand why anymore. I miss her and having our family together. The idea of only being able to see ny children 50% of the time is just devestating to me not to mention what my kids are going through. I want to confront this so called friend and tell him to back off. What do you think? And do you think by her having to move and not being able to control the kids anymore will make a difference and wake her up?I still believe that we should try to save this family. How many chances are our children worth? Can you give me any advice on how to get through to her? She is blaming for alot of this and I feel so guilty. I can't seem to get this out of my head. All I am asking for is just one chance to save this marriage my kids don't deserve this. They are seeing this other person in there life and sleepin with their mother. It just kills me to see this . I ask God to make the pain stop and it seems that he isn't helping!

I wonder if you or your wife would consider what I have read others on this site do- and that is being separated but staying in the same house. that would alleviate the problems with your children going back and forth. It could also give you lots of opportunities to deposit love units by being emotionally strong and a wonderful father in her presence. You could assure her that you won't pass judgement on her or her current lifestyle, that you could have separate rooms, and that she would not be answering to you- as if she had her own place.<P>also, you asked if you should stall the divorce. I say YES! If you don't want to be divorced, I wouldn't sign that paper now, especially where this is all so fresh and new. She doesn't know what she's doing right now.<P>Above you got very good advice about just becoming stable and strong, and trying not to allow her actions to make you feel like less of a person. You will be more attractive to her, as this affair dies off, if you portray yourself as someone who loves her and does not want the marriage to end, but who is not going to smother her and beg her to come back. <P>You should read "his needs her needs" by dr. harley. Your wife doesn't need to read books right now, you can work on your part while she is in her fantasy-land. She won't know what to do with you when you are loving and understanding- the guilt will probably start eating away at her.<BR>

DJB, <P>You are not alone. Unfortunately, your situation is very common among many here at marriage builders. So, welcome to this site. It is a life saver for many of us. <P>I too know what you are going through. I suffered through several months of my wife continuing on in an affair. The pain is the worse pain any human should have to go through. Your heart is in the right place. Saving your marriage for the kids and yourself is possible. You AND your wife can be happy. That probably seems pretty distant right now, but it is possible. <P>First, educate yourself on infidelity and marriage the best you can. Read all the info on this site not just the threads. Harley has plenty of good info that you need to become familiar with. Grab all the books you can. Surviving An Affair, His Needs Her Needs, Give and Take, and a bunch of others. I now have a small library on the subject of marriage. As Toronto said - read, read, read.<P>Stop all love busting - Harley talks about this in his website. Develop a plan A. It is a long hard road to recover but well worth the journey. Many of us are still working through this mess. Marriages don't fall a part over night and they don't heal over night either.<P>Do NOT sin any divorce papers. STALL.<P>Get you and your wife back in the same house. Stay in different rooms if you have to. You and your wife have a much better chance if you are living under the same roof. Figure out your role in this mess. Work on changing yourself to be the loving husband you once were or need to be. Start by being friends with your wife again. <P>I could write a ton, but I have to go. <P>Hang in there.<P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <BR>

Hi Tamis! Thank you for your advice.I have tried very hard at not love busting,but I did alot at first.And I wonder if I did too much. This other guy was a friend not close, but he knew how I felt about her and my family, should I confront him, I did leave a couple voice mails stating how angry I was and then lft an apoligy, saying to just back off for a while and let her decide.She feels that I have controled her and I guess she is right.I tied up this $ and she has always wanted me to release it, but was never willing to compramise with me. Should I let her have the $ now. I can force her to counselling through the courts. Should I, I thought this would give me a chance to state how I feel since she doesn't give me the time. Maybe this will allow for some healing to take effect.Are there any effect ways to try to show her how much I love her. I know she knows. She just seems to just through everything back at me, my fault you know! I heard through a friend that this guy doesn't want any trouble, what does that mean? I feel like just tearing him apart, especially he knows there are kids and how I felt about our marriage. Any suggestions? It is so sad that we can't even talk, I wish I was able to control myself in the begining, but I just couldn't and now I feel that I lost her. She doesn't agree to this arrangement right now. Was what I did very bad taping the phone and listening to her voicemail and our pushing and shoving, how do I convince her that I am truly!!! sorry!!!she just doesn't seem to care. I know deep inside that she knows the kids are suffering, but she blames me for this also.I need advice on what to do specifically to turn this around?

SHA,<BR>Thanks for your advice. How can I convince her about comming back to the house when she seems so dead set to get a divorce. How long do these things last? Even after some huge love busting is there still achance to save this marriage? Can any one forgive you when you get into a shoving match. It seems now though she is saying all the things I did in the begining. Like I am being selfish that I took her to court to obtain 50/50 custody of the kids, and was crying like how can I do this and I keep telling her that this is her choice. It just seem that she won't give in, but I am hoping she will finally wake up and realize how much she has lost! Should I force her to go to counselling through the courts? I figured I get in some Huge Love Deposits, except for the fact that I would have to have a court order to this. I plan on dropping the divorce papers after the martial assets have been divided. What do you think? If she wants to file then she can. I just wish she would just realize how much I love her and want our children to live with both of us. This is a cruel thing to do to them.How can any mother be willing to give up 50% of their children, just because she wants to be happy!!!I am just so confused and have made some major problems. Istill believe she is banking on me failing this physclogical evaluation and that she will get custody of the kids. And if she doesn't maybe then she will wake up. You think? I have laeft some msgs on my so called friends voice mail that a friend has now told me about and said that if ahything should happen he will press harrassement charges. I am now worried that this will effect my custody case. They don't know who it is though they just assume it was me.Can you give me some specific advice on how to turn this around.Should I try to write letters or send her a card for aniversery comming up in Oct.?I just want her to give us a chance! Have you heard about any similar situations as mine? I just guess I need to know that there is hope. Because she says that we will never get back together and to get on with my life?<P>Thank You,<p>[This message has been edited by DJB (edited September 14, 1999).]