I thought it would be best to plan A now, at the same time as I'm making arrangements to leave. My situation is different from just dealing with an OP, as I am dealing with a different kind of addiction - SA.

H was just home for lunch. He had requested last night that there be no relationship talk between us. No problem. I didn't. However, as he was leaving (he only gets 30 mins), I asked for a hug and a kiss (I only got a hug this morning, he wasn't comfortable with a kiss), and was told, "no. I don't feel comfortable with this game of yours, acting as though everything is normal, even though you're leaving."

So what do you think folks? Am I playing a game by doing this? I'm not hiding anything from him. I'm totally open and honest about what I need from him, how he could still change my actions by getting help for his problems, etc. After all, as it stands, I still love my H. Why wouldn't I do nice things for him? The fact of the matter is that he isn't returning those 'favours', even though I've specifically asked them of him for MONTHS.

This will turn into a vent if I don't stop here. So... what do you all think? Am I playing games with my H? (we will talk about it more tonight, after the kids are in bed).

Karen

Topie,

In my very humble opinion, I think that it is a game. Not one that you are intentionally playing, but one that he feels is going on. You told him that you are leaving and that is what he sees. That is all that he can process at this time. I would feel like it was a pretense and hypocritical to ask for affection while making plans to leave. You might have to start removing yourself emotionally...meaning no needs being met nor any asked for.

Just My Own Opinion,
committed

Topie - I don't think you are intentionally playing a game I think you are thinking hey I love this guy - if I give him affection and stuff - he might realize how bad he is screwing up and try to get some help - but I am sure that he is probably thinking you are playing games - because you say you are leaving then you are being affectionate - though I can totally relate - you love him and you want him - but it is time to take a stand and do what is right in your heart... You know that you have no control over him only over yourself and you have to do what is best for you and your family... This is all so very hard - I just keep praying someday that I wake up and I am happy without my husband - I know that right now he is not the person that I married 15 years ago - and he isn't the person that I want to be with now... Maybe someday he will realize how bad he screwed up - but in the meantime - we deserve happiness - and no more drama in our lives??? good luck... Mimi

Thanks committedandlovingit and Maw64. Your responses are greatly appreciated.

Okay. So I am playing games by my H's perception. I do hope that all of you reading this understand my position here. And with all of the MB ways we know, I cannot seem to understand how I should be acting.

Any advice on what I should be doing instead? This is totally new territory for me, and I'm having a hard time with it.

Any and all comments would be appreciated.

Thanks!

Karen

bump ^^^

I'm still hoping for some insights from you. Please?

How should I act with my H? If plan A isn't the answer, and plan B is impossible at this time... then what?

Karen

Can I chime in again?

I think that I would just make it a cordial room-mate kind of thing. No expectations from him and do not ask for anything from him other than what a roomie would. You do not want your lips telling him one thing and your actions telling him something else. Just smile and be civil.

Sometimes roommates can go days without actually running into one another in a house. You do your thing in getting prepared to leave and leave him to his own devices. That would be my suggestion.

As Always, JMHO
committed

<small>[ November 05, 2002, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

Topie,

You love this guy...even with all the problems and issues...you love him...you care deeply for him...
BUT..
Knowing that you can't change him...you have to do what you have to do..to protect your soul...
That you two have been round and round with behaviors and expectations and broken promises....

What are your options..to create an environment in the house of tension and confrontration power struggling etc...all behaviors that never work...or a home that has dignity and respect for all...

You tell him that you know to your core that things are not normal...but they have been chosen...and so you have chosen also...
tell him you want nothing more than to stay and work on things... ...and that your leaving is based on you "no longer feeling comfortable" with how his actions make you feel..(use his exact verbage so he "gets" what you are saying...)

Topie if you can handle the rejection of asking for a hug and a kiss....and if his refusal bothers him more than you..(he's not comfortable)....then I think that is a good thing...that THAT is a direct consequance to HIS actions...make it clear that as much as he is not comfortable with your so called game..is equal to your not being comfortable with his continual internet activity...(am I right on that?)...

In some ways there is even some irony that it is his addictive traits that are the root of chaos..yet he refuses and denies help....but then states that you ACTING like things are normal is around about way of admitting to "something" not quite right between the two of you...
So if you weren't leaving and just let him continue his path...it is all OK as long as he is the one to gets to act like all is "normal"...

protect yourself...tell the guy you love him...
set boundaries you can live with...and if they make him uncomfortable...remind him that his issues make you uncomfortable as well...

peace to you and your home
ARK

Karen, I read earlier at work but couldn't loggin and am glad now that I couldn't!!!! HA!!! I think ark^^ hit it on the head, great advice. Keep putting it back on him in a non-LB way!!!!! He is un-comfortable, that is his problem!!!!

Sounds like you are doing great!!!! Very calm, very together!!!! It takes awhile to get there, and you are doing great!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

topie25: I am a male SA. Let me tell you that this addiction really, really sucks! The lust can be so all-consuming that you feel you can't control yourself, and will put yourself into all sorts of humiliating/dangerous situations just to get a "fix", (sexual release).

So, it is probably very embarassing for your husband to address this problem. Going to a sexual addiction meeting is great, but is a big step, since he'd have to publicly admit his problem.

On the "Just Found Out" board there is a thread called, "Impending SA Relapse" that has a WONDERFUL discussion of how to deal with sexual addiction written by Kasey1. Would you and your husband be willing to read it?

What is helping me is to email cerri. I don't have to meet anyone face-to-face, yet I can vent my frustrations and get suggestions for improving my behavior. At a minimum I would advise you to email cerri. Hopefully your husband can email her also.

Hi Topie
Im an old friend with an new name - undercover I guess. Youve always looked out for me and spoken encouragement to me.
As much as it would kill you and that he doesnt deserve anything (who does) is it possible to let go a little, give him the space he needs. Yes, he probably does feel a little irritated that you're trying to do everything right and hes not. Sometimes i feel that when we pay back good for evil we actually do create an environment where the other person feels like hot coals are being dumped on their head. And I wonder if this is a good thing to let them feel? Check, and I mean really check, your motives for pouring out love. Dont ever do it in the hope it will change someone, or with an expectation to get anything back, or with the thought that one day they'll realise what a jerk they were and turn around and apologise. Sound a bit disencouraging??? Sorry, I hope not. Just watch your expectations and your motivations, they'll mislead you unless they're direct from God's word.

I ve been thinking of you and will keep you close to my heart in prayer.

Cheese
PS - I hope you dont agonise for hours trying to work out who I am.

Thanks all, for your words of encouragement.

I asked H last night, "how do you want me to act?". He told me, "just act nice". Isn't that what I was doing?!?!??! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

My biggest problem is that I initiate relationship talks with him, and I get so wound up during them, and end up LBing. His problems are at his core, and there is no way I can reach to them, unless he brings them to the surface first. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It's still all so sad to me.

I will continue on 'being nice' to him, while still getting everything ready to leave. I'll try and get some packing done today too. But I'll be spending most of my free time today reading "out of the shadows", a book on SA. It's ready and waiting for me at the library. I just got the confirmation call yesterday afternoon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

committedandlovingit: Although your 'roommate' idea sounds logical, it also sounds short term for me. I could be here for another 2 months before finding a place, and that's a long time to be 'just roommates', don't you think? (especially when it's with someone I still want to be married to).

ark: You're right! If he has a problem with my wanting some hugs or kisses, then that's HIS problem, NOT MINE! No, I will not smother him, as I know that would only push him away. But since he did specifically ask me to be "nice", then I'll do just that! Thanks for responding. I've always liked the way you think and are able to put it in writing. (I like to think that I think the same way.... but getting it in writing can be a chore for me. LOL).

daybreak: Yeah, you're like me.... always agreeing with "what ark said". hehehe. Thanks for your support. You'll always be my "awesome MBer". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

doofus: Yes, it's true, public humility is NOT a good thing if a person is not accepting of their behaviours. I did find a site that offers free online counselling, and H is liking that idea. He still doesn't beleive that he has a problem, but he's willing to do some 'homework' right now. I am also going to the library to get 'out of the shadows' today, and I've asked him to read it when I'm done. He's agreed. I'm hoping that will make a huge difference. But I'm also not counting on it. Thank you for sharing.

cheese: I think I know who you are... will you email me at 4topie25@rogers.com to let me know? I don't like secrets... although I totally understand the need for confidentiality, and the need to hide from non-MBers if they're invading your safe space (by knowing your alias, and reading your posts, etc). I'd write my guess on here, but that would defeat the purpose now, wouldn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks again for your help folks. I'll continue to take this one day at a time. I'll update when it seems appropriate, and in the meantime, I'll try to keep on posting to others, in case I have something to say that could help them.

Take care,
Karen

<small>[ November 06, 2002, 03:47 PM: Message edited by: oswald ]</small>