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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 4
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 4 |
I'll try to condense my story:
Sexual issues. W and OM shared many sexual activities that W is not "comfortable" with at home. Our early relationship was similar, but faded in first couple of years. These unmet needs started tipping the apple cart.... How can we share this again? She claims her EN's are met. Claims to be happy. Off antidepressants since A ended. Any thoughts?
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I'm 31 - so is wife
Met 16 yrs. ago
Married 9
W had A
ended A completely 6 mo. ago
rebuilding going O.K.
W has childhood issues
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Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 816
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Member
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 816 |
He notions of sex and intimacy with you are different. Based on what you're hinitng at, she needs her sex with you to be safe.
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 4
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 4 |
I have difficulty understanding how sex in an affair is safer than in a committed marriage...
Is this a common issue?
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
Member
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Member
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906 |
You have offerred very little informations so this is pretty much a shot a in the dark...
I will address your recent post...
Sex in an affair is not safer BUT if that is your wifes perception then that it is her reality...
It may be that she feels different emotions tied into different acts...meaning negative thoughts associated with certain sexual acts...and that she may feel that she has more to lose in feelings of respect from you than from OM...
That your expectations "may" be that a "wife" should not engage in and enjoy certain activities...BUT that may be exact activities that she feels an aldulterous woman should...
Sex may be "safer" (riskier) in her eyes with the OM...because deep down she does not care if he sees her negatively in the realms of her sexuality and other factions of life...She plays one role with the OM and that is it...
She may hold onto many assumptions of how you do and would perceive her sexuality... onto what she perceives you will think of her....spouses play many roles...
Don't know if this helps or not
ARK
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Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 816
Member
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Member
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 816 |
I'm sorry. I was trying to be delicate with my assumptions based on the info you provided. If there is a history of sexual abuse from her past, her comfort level in doing riskier or more "experimental" acts with you is outside her vision of what you provide: safety, security, intimacy. Abuse victims are quite familiar with inapropriate sexual behavior so they desire "normalcy" from a mate.
If this is the case and you and your wife are not in MC or IC, please seek help soon.
Good luck and I hope I'm wrong in my assumptions.
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 4
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 4 |
sorry - new to this.... let me add some info:
W's father left at 3 Y.O. - no contact/involvement. W feels "unworthy" of love. Part of the sexual aspects of the affair were because she "knew how to make a man love her". I love her genuinely and am glad to have her back - but I feel still that our sex life can/should be as good as the A or in earlier marriage. If there are negative associations with me and sex, how do I break them? I have full commitment and patience....
Thoughts?
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