I'm not sure why I'm writing this...maybe a self-diary but anyway, here goes. We've been married 9 years - together for 10. No surprises here. Years of wondering but no proof of an actual affair, either EA or PA. NO PROOF but lots and lots of suspicious activity. When I snoop - don't find much. Keeping travel log but it's not showing much of anything - hubby doesn't have cell phone - (anymore) - works non-stop, comes home late every now and then like falling off the wagon. When I ask about suspicious activity I either get no response or him telling me that I'm just making stuff up to cause trouble.

I have read every book known to man (and then some from other planets, haha), I have changed myself to be so fricking accommodating that I hate who I've become and I feel completely like a doormat. Other men - both at work and his friends tell him how incredibly lucky he is and he sayd "Yea, I know" almost like he hates to hear it. We have sex every time the wind blows, he has access to all the money he needs (if we have it to blow he can do it), and I tell him how great he is all the time. And yes, there are great things about him.

But frankly, I'm tired. I'd like someone to meet my needs. I'd like someone to give a sh** about me. I'd like someone to hug me, kiss me and take care of me. I'd like to know that when you step out of the house you won't be cheating, or calling someone else or whatever. I'd also like you to call me when you're gonna be late instead of telling me you're grown and can do whatever you please. I'd like a decent conversation without you telling me how crazy I am and how much I bother you when I try to talk to you. If I say much more than how was your day? you think I'm bothering you.

I'm tired of the pornography - I don't even try to ask you to stop anymore because I know you won't and I just have lost the energy to fight it. It's your disease - you don't see any issue - I see lots. So, how does that fit into the MB website?

The truth is that even though I'm tired, I haven't worked up the guts yet to leave. I'm not much into second chances....when you have pounded my heart enough then I'm done with it and you won't get the opportunity any more. My belief in the bible tells me that I can't leave with the exception of adultery andI don't have any proof of that. Besides, I think I'd have to leave when he wasn't home - too much hassle and he has a temper.

I am angry with myself for staying this long....I'm angry that I haven't saved up more money on my own (but I never thoughtI'd need it) and I'm angry with myself that I feel like such a failure. Although if I were giving advice tosomeone else I'd tell them they weren't a failure I feel like one. Maybe the signs were there all along and I thought the plan A (although many books call it different things) would work and maybe I thought the hours and hours of praying I did would work and...well, you get the idea.

I feel hopeless when i'm at home. I enjoy work because I seem so in control when I'm there and life seems to make sense when I'm away from him. Oh, sorry to ramble so much but I so desperately wonder if anyone else ever feels like this or if I'm really nuts! haha! If anyone can comment please help me. Thanks.!

bump^^

No one else feels like this? Am I just being a baby?

Angelia,

Don't feel like a failure. We all do sometimes. Sounds like you have done and you are doing your best in a bad situation. God does not want you to be miserable. Do you have a pastor or someone to talk to? You need to look at your alternatives. Your H must be willing to work also. It cannot be all from you. Read on this site about giver and taker and 3 stages of marriage. Sounds like you have been the giver, now your TAKER wants some payback. It is not crazy to withdraw from someone who is not meeting your needs. That's pretty much why EVERYONE is here to some degree. UNMET needs. Find someone to talk to and get some help. You should not have to suffer through alone. DO NOT do anything that you will regret later ie: affair. Do positive, pro-active things. Sounds like you are dealing with a lot of tough issues, porn, temper, etc. These are very hard. Don't feel like a failure because you cannot 'fix' your H. They have told me several times here that we want to save M's, but some cannot be saved. You will need to decide what is best for YOU. Your H is obviously not thinking too much about your needs. Take care of you and protect the good parts of you. Pray and get some help. You will be okay.

You are not alone, others feel similar, more often than they care to admit!

But I have a question about your Plan A. Plan A has 3 parts if I'm doing this right. No LB and meeting EN of spouse are 2 but most important...it is about you right? If you are feeling like a "doormat" maybe you should revamp your Plan A. Just a thought.

In the meantime...when I start to feel overwhelmed, tired, at the end of my rope...I do something nice for me. Take a half hour and go downtown, park soemwhere, buy a coffe and just window shop for a few minutes. A long bath, candles and a glass of wine...very relaxing. A long walk with the dog on a crisp fall day...can't beat it. I guess I just take a little time to pamper me. It really helps clear the negative thoughts and replace them with a positive "I can do anything" attitude.

But you're not alone {{{{angelia}}}}

It sounds like your in a tough situation.... Does your husband know how close you are to calling it quits? Does he realize that there are serious problems?

I wonder if you were to calming let him know that you are very troubled and would like for the two of you to go to counseling. Or even to talk about some things that have been bothering you if that would make him realize that this is a serious situation.

I wish my husband would have come and talked to me when he felt there were problems in our marriage...instead he had an affair, which is still going on strong.
I find that he gets irritated when I ask questions, etc. because he feels like he's being interrogated...I try to explain that I'm just interested in what he's doing. I find I need to try to calmly let him know how I feel and not accuse him or be too questioning...and to let things drop if it seems like he's feeling pushed or pressured.
It's better if I am to calmly say something like...."I have a few things on my mind and was hoping we could talk about them" or "I feel that we need to work together with a counselor to work out some things, would that be ok with you?".

I guess the big thing is to make him realize that there are big problems....

Thanks

Football Widow: I would never do anything rash that I haven't thoroughly thought through. Affairs are not in my mind at all. Yes, I'd very much like to 'fix' my husband but I am seeing that's not gonna happen and I have a choice to make....I just don't wanna make it. I want the magical marriage fairy to come to my house and make it all okay.
Twinkles: Yes, I feel very much like a doormat. I try to do nice stuff for me but in addition to all the issues in our marriage h works the 2nd shift and gets home around 1:00 am. So, I work, take care of the kids, don't see H very often and when I do it's like he's always on the porno sites and doesn't feel like talking (hmmmm.... imagine that). and in addition to all that I have to try not to LB and meet all of his EN's. UGH!!!
Holding My Breath: Yes, I have calmly on a couple of occasions recently told H that I was not happy and could not continue like this. He is probably the biggest liar I have ever encountered so the chance for a counselor is NONE, zip, zilch, zero. A liar would not risk it. He has said to me that he's not doing anything but actions again are weird from time to time (I suspect ONS or maybe VERY brief affairs). His response is that if it would make me happier to be without him then I needed to do that. He is very secure in himself and feels that you have decisions to make and whatever they are you should be happy. He says he'd miss me but that he can't change what isn't broken. Boy, he must look through life with Rose colored glasses. I guess someone who view porn daily and lies doesn't see much wrong with life.
I just feel that I have a decision to make and truthfully I'm scared, not sure I can do it, not sure it's what God would want (or am I twisting that somehow), and I also don't want the embarassment of telling anyone. How embarassing to say...my husband is addicted to porn and he's a liar. Oh, my Gosh, how terrible that is. It's easy to feel along (even though I know God is really with me) and without this board which is anonymous I think I'd go nuts. My circle would never suspect such a lifestyle and would also never suspect problems with marriage.....
Thanks for listening....I know it's long.