My question is should I contact OW? My H recently gave me the OW's work number. He says he can't remember her cell number "because it was programmed into his cell, which he has since cancelled" Likely story huh? The reason I want to contact her is because my H obviously is a liar(a good one too)I don't intend on telling her off although she certainly deserves it, but I would like some questions answered from her to see if they match my husbands story. For example, when it started, gifts?, did my husband tell her he loved her. etc. I am still trying to decide if I want to try to reconcile with WH. I wonder if I just want to find out that something he told me is false so I would have another reason to kick him to the curb? I don't even know if this number is valid. or even if she would talk to me when I called. I tried to 411 her name and city but didn't get a hit. For all I know, he is still lying about her whereabouts. What do you think?

swtbonbon-

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}
I am sorry your are experiencing the pain of an A as well as the STDs. You are struggling with some very difficult issues and strong emotions right now. Don't contact the OW. If your H has truly broken it off, then have him write a no-contact letter to the OW. Make sure that he gives it to you and that you mail it. Right now your problem is with your H and not the OW. One of the forum members, worthatry, put together some guidelines that might help you get through the initial stages of discovery of the affair and dealing with the aftermath. The link is:
WAT quickstart guidelines

Good luck. Don't hesitate to try to call Dr. H on his W's radio show on either Monday's or Thursdays.

HoFS

I would advise against contacting the OW. She really has little to do with the problems in your marriage, and it's unlikely that your opinion would matter to her. The potential damage to your emotional well being outweighs any advantages to speaking with her (and I'm speaking from experience). Good luck!

I don't know that you would actually get the truth from OW anyway. I contacted OW once when I thought my husband was with her and she totally had me convinced that it wasn't true. Then I found out his car was in the hotel parking lot.

I do wish I would have contacted OW's husband when I first found out about the affair because maybe that would have kept it from going on so long....it's still going though, so who knows.

ditto HFS

I recommend a few other thoughts.

DO NOT kick him to the curb. Instead, get hot on Plan A and take advantage of his presence to show him your improvements. (This is assuming you will decide to try to reconcile with him. If you decide not to, you should go straight to a lawyer to get it all over with and distance yourself from this mess as soon as possible to get on with your life.)

DO NOT be concerned with "when it started, gifts" etc. This is not about her and details don't matter.

ASSUME everything he says about her is a lie. Michelle Weiner-Davis (Divorce Busters) advises, "believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see."

There may be some value to communicating with OW to assure her that your H is married and you do not consider your marriage over (if that's what you believe). The reason for this is the simple fact that he is lying to her as well. But if you do this, DO NOT ask her any questions. If you did and she answered, it would likely be lies.

swtbb

You have already received some good advice here...

Let me ask you this...

How would the asnwers to the questions make you feel any better? Likely they won't...whatever they are...because if she answers the way you would hope she would, (no gifts, no he didn't tell me he loved me, etc...) you will probably think she is lying...

So either way I don't think it will make you feel any better.

As HFS said, the issue is with your H and you relationship.

I realize it is easy to be upset with the OP, but she never made any commitment to you...your H did...try to resolve your issues with him...

I would recommend counseling if you aren't already

Good luck

E

AS an xOW I have to ask, what do you expect this woman to say to you? What if she says devastating things? Understand they'll play them over and over in your mind.

Do you somehow think she's on your side? Afraid of you? what?

My (now x)MM's wife called me once. She ended up humiliating herself. I will admit that I was pretty mean, gloating and vile to her. Not becuase I had anything against her. At that time is was more sport. I think she called me feeling all empowered, but there was nothing she could say to hurt me. Plus I had a LOT of information about her, her personal life and her children and her family. I'll just say this - it was ugly.

My opinion-she's not the problem in your marriage. You WS is. Keep your focus at home.

JMHO

One other thing. Despite the value of potentially revealing his lies to her by contacting her, there's a HUGE downside to doing this: it's a monstrous love buster. I promise that after you contact her, she'll go straight to him and he'll come straight to you - accusing you of interfering with his privacy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and twisting things around such that you won't even recognize what he claims you said. See, she'll twist and lie to him about what you said to her.

WAT

Even if she doesn't lie to him, how in the world would she ever be able to hear what you have to say in such a loaded situation?

According to my H, she knows he's married so thats not a secret. I asked my H couple of days ago to be completely honest (HAHA) about what went on. Did he send her gifts etc.? Iwanted to understand how he did it without me knowing. I guess I just wanted to compare answers to see if he was still lying while seeking reconciliation. You guys are right though. She probably wouldn't tell the truth because according to H, she is still trying to contact him at work. (They work in related business, he purchaser, she inside sales.)She would probably lie to get me angry.
Katie Scarlett-
I don't intend this as a personal attack. I would just like an HO from OW. Did you not have any compassion for the BS as a woman. if not for her then for the kids? I would NEVER sleep with MM because I think too much of myself to be second best. What goes through OW's mind that say This is okay?!!

8/23/02 I contacted the FIRST OW,after hearing her on my husbands voice mail(I got his passcode).Snuck into his wallet and car he hid the keys from me during this time and his wallet.I really knew then !!plus he was living with her(stopping by our place here and there)Of course he said he was staying at hotels for the past month.
This lady was seperated/married at the time,husband left her for another lady...she hadn't even filed yet.
Tell ya about a small world my maid of honor,new this women and filled me in on her before I called.
Anyways....she answered
I said Hi THIS IS Mrs******,Kens wife.I wanted to let you know cause I wasn't sure if you knew we were married.
(ow) Yup ,You'll have to talk to Ken about this.
Are you sleeping with him?
(ow) Yes,He's living with me.

Really all his stuff is here so you mean he's sleeping with you!!!!
Well Last thurs he wasn't there*I know that for sure because he slept her and we had SEX.(which was true)

(Ow,nerves voice) Really!?

Yes I really don't want to get a STD ya know!

(ow)Ohhh Honey I don't have any Std's.

Well I'm filing you can have him,and Star can have him you do know about her too right?!

(ow) ya there friends,they work together.

Yes they do and she gave him his new car,and there sleeping together too.Just found that out tonight too.
You know when I found out about you through my maid of honor(Jenny)..she told me about your situation,about how you went and spit on the ow your husband left you for.
When Ken up and leaves you.. broken hearted give me a call I will be there for you.And I'm breaking this pattern right now!! I will not go and sleep with a MM,even If I'm Lonely...
Understand your pain but this is my husband a man I loved very much.
(ow) I miss mine too,they both are pretty smooth talkers aren't they!?

Anyways I've heard through the grape vine that she doesn't know if she can trust Ken,but he's a really nice guy to here kids and good in bed.
And just because he was abusive to me doesn't mean he'll be that way to her.

K 2nd OW....she gave him a sports car,and they started off as friends I remember her first call Aug 18th.On his voice mail Remember me you helped me at (his work) I'll pay you anything for you to record my album.Two weeks he was sleeping with her,BUT THIS ONE HE BROUGHT OVER TO OUR PLACE!!!
She shook my hand I introduced myself...
She was plesent just not the normal Whore,more like the girl next door...and she was only 20.

Just thought I would share my experance <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<strong>Katie Scarlett-
I don't intend this as a personal attack. I would just like an HO from OW.</strong>

What's an HO?

<strong>Did you not have any compassion for the BS as a woman. if not for her then for the kids?</strong>

In time I had compassion for her, but to date (10 year later) I have only heard terrible things about this woman. What a horrible mother she was. What a terrible wife. I felt sorry for him being "stuck" with her.

<strong>I would NEVER sleep with MM because I think too much of myself to be second best.</strong>

I never saw myself as second best. IMO I got the best of him, she got what was left. What's more I have never so much as seem his laundry, cooked him a meal or had to pick up after him. I was wined and dined and treated like a queen. Then left to lead my life until I wanted to seem him again. She was up all night with sick kids, putting up with his moods, etc. It was a fantasy in many ways (and a nightmare in others).

<strong>What goes through OW's mind that say This is okay?!!</strong>
Marraige never really held any real value to me. He was an old BF who took great pains to pursue me. I was 21 or 22 and single when I met him. He had everything in the world to loose and I had everything to gain. He is good-looking, 12 years older and wealthy. He did help to make my career dreams come true, no question.

It's only now, a bunch of years later, that I recognize the wreckage. I honestly feel sorry for his wife. He and I ended a year ago. I am with another (single & appropriate) man. She's still married to a liar. She's got 3 kids and a nemotional and financial dependance on a man who has proven himself to be 100% untrustworty.

Mary, no offense, but for your own self respect I hope that you got out of that obviously abusive relationship or found a way to make it better.

I don't think you should contact the OW because it only get back to the H. It might make things worse. Believe me I tried it and they both lie. It sucks believe me. I thought it was over and she told me it was and her husband told me he still calls her on her cell phone. He lies and she lies through their teeth. She most likely doesn't give a crap only about her self.

Katie

Yup He brought Star over kissing and well going at it,I finished packing that night and left.Then Filed and moven on Hopefully!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
He keeps bouncing back and fourth with both women...Divorce will be final feb/march 03
If he doesn't get help.

<small>[ November 06, 2002, 03:58 PM: Message edited by: BetrayedByMyBestFriend ]</small>

Good for you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by swtbonbon:
<strong>According to my H, she knows he's married so thats not a secret.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh yea?

Remember, don't believe a thing he tells you.

WAT

katie

HO-Honest Opinion (from JMHO) I'm new to this internet stuff so maybe I just made something up!

Thanks for your answers. I appreciate your honesty. By the way, my WH did MY laundry. Maybe thats the problem <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Oh and I forgot, I just wanted to ask about this too. I keep reading post after post from OW that WS told them W was Bi**h, shrew, etc. How can so many women be that naive. I'm sure that in a few small cases its true. Surely you realize the WS is justifying his behavior by blaming W as well as get a little sympathy from you. I mean, while my H was carrying on with OW, he vacationed with me, our sex life was great 5x week. Really, they just play on all of our weaknesses to satisfy their selfish need.

swtbonbon,
re his W being a B. All I can tell you is when I wanted to be with him there was always a reason to stay. And when I was ready to be gone there was no reason that would keep me there.

Honestly his W was incidental. I loved him. I cared for him. He met my emotional needs and I met his. It wasn't like he cried "she's mean to me" and my clothes fell off. He and I developed a relationship over a long period of time. I felt like he and I built something that they could not. After all, if his home life was so great, why was he at my house?

We did what worked for us until it didn't work anymore. It really had nothing to do with his wife. It wasn't even about her.