Just in case you're reading this and don't know what's been going on, to sum it up, my H's porn addiction has resurfaced, and I'm sticking to my boundaries and getting things in order to leave him. So, the "false recovery" listed in my sig. line is NOT b/c there have been other women again, but b/c my H has an addiction that he hasn't yet confronted and worked on ridding.

Okay.. so here's the update:

I have found some sites online, that help to deal with sexual addiction. One site inparticular, www.understandingsexualaddiction.org offers FREE online counselling to SA's. So b/c of that, my boundaries have changed ever-so slightly. I have told my H that I will NOT leave him, if he gets counselling for his problem. And b/c I can't wait forever (and already have been waiting for almost our entire relationship... but for sure for the last 2 yrs almost), I have given him until Sunday night, to decide if he is going to take the free counselling.

If he chooses to take it, I will give him the first 30 days of their 'course' and see if there is any improvement, and if so, then I will stay. However, if he chooses to NOT take it, then I will continue with my moving out.

I don't think he'll choose to take the course. Call it a 'disrespectful judgement' on my part, but I really don't think he'll choose to fix our M. And I've done all that I can do. It's all up to him now.

I got my copy of "Out of the Shadows" today, and have already started reading it. I'll be going back to it after I'm done reading a bit more on MB. I'm hoping it will give me more insight into my H's (perceived) condition (by me).

OH! Get this... I chose Sunday for H to make up his mind, figuring that it would make the most sense. The site gives a response within 24 hours as to whether or not they will accept you into the program, and I figured that if he was done by Sunday, then I could start fresh on Monday... and not waste any days (just in case). Well... you know what? Sunday is also my birthday!!! And not just any birthday either. I'm going to be 30!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> And I find it somewhat ironic, that subconsciously, I chose Sunday, my 30th birthday, to be the day that my life is going to change dramatically. It's unavoidable now. But I'm kinda liking that prospect too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

That's it for now. I'll be posting about this by monday morning, once I get H's answer.

Thanks for 'listening'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Topie - Good Luck - I hope for you he decides to take the course - and if he doesn't you sound like you have made the decision to go forward - though it is not an easy decision - it is at least a decision and I wish you luck - I will look forward to hearing your update - and I will keep my fingers crossed....

Hi Karen,

I think you have done the right thing by setting this boundary with your husband. My DH is also an SA, and I set a similar boundary. Although he doesn't struggle with porn; his addiction includes actual sex with other women--oral sex from prostitutes, one-night stands, and a recent affair. The affair brought it all out into the open. My boundary is; if he has another affair, I will leave him. It is that simple. And he knows it. He knows that he has used his last "get-out-of-jail-free" card. Boundaries are not about ulitmatums; they actually put the control in the SA's corner. He knows that he can choose to do what he wants, but if it crosses your boundary (which by Sunday night he will, if he doesn't choose to start the program,) then he will have to face the consequences for his choice. In your husband's case, his choice will be at the cost of his marriage, wife and children.

I read Out of the Shadows. It is excellent. I gleaned a lot of information from it that was very helpful when I was first trying to understand the SA. But I would like to recommend another book. It is not as well known, but I got even more out of it. I deals with addictions in general, but there is a ton of info on SA too. I mentioned this book to you on MBEPlan. It is entitled The Addictive Personality, by Abraham J. Twerski, MD. Please, if you can latch onto a copy, read it. It is incredibly helpful. I found it at Barnes & Noble. They could probably order it for you if it isn't on the shelves.

Although I wish you didn't have to make this decision, and I hope you don't have to follow through with it, I want you to know that I admire your courage. Above all, remember, you are keeping yourself and your kids healthy. Maybe, by example, your husband will do the same.

Good luck and take care,
my move

Good job on defining your boundaries and giving your H a very reasonable option. I think he may just take you up on it.

And HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> (I'll be there in a few months too!)

Stick to your guns girl!

Jen

Happy Birthday...and may it become the date of the beginning of your "New Life", with or without him.

Hi Topie, You've been very generous and patient with your H. We forget that "normal" marriages and relationships don't allow this behaviour. We forget that we lower our expectations of our relationships during this period of havoc.

I sense that you are questioning your actions. Perfectly normal. Your H may even be testing your resolve but always remember, his SA isn't fair to you or your children.

I don't believe your H wants to lose his family but he must work at earning his right to be a part of it. And how about the concept of being a role model for his children?

Be true to your values, Topie. It's not about being right (thank-you Bramble). It's about working TOGETHER to recover, it's about mutual respect, it's about creating a decent environment for your children...

Take care of yourself. Stick to your boundaries.

And 30 wasn't so bad now that I look back nine years...

Thanks all, for the support. I love this place! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

((((((( MBangels )))))))

I've decided to stop requesting some hugs, and just keep my distance in that area. I'm being courteous and nice, and having a hard time keeping from talking about our R... but knowing that I only have a few days to wait it out, is helping IMMENSELY! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Last night, I figured I'd leave H to do his own thing (and Wednesdays are his favourite tv night). I was going to read "out of the shadows" while he watched his shows. However, he told me that he just wasn't interested in watching tv. So then I asked him if he would like to do something together, like play "scrabble" or something. He hummed and hawed over it, and said he "didn't know" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Then I calmly asked for either a "yes" or a "no" answer. He said, "nah". So I cheerfully said, "okay! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ", and proceeded downstairs to read my book. (hooray Karen!). He then decided that he was going to go out and put more gas in his truck, and after I asked him if that was all, he said, "no. I might go out for a drive and get a coffee too.". "Okay! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> " was my response.

Over 4 HOURS later, H comes home. I was already in bed (it was well after midnight at this point). I didn't say a word, until he came under the covers. Then I said, "So, did you have a good time? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ". I was then told that he was freezing while looking at the stars. "Okay! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> " I said, and then went to sleep.

This is far too easy right now. And you know what? I'm afraid that he will choose to do the counselling. I really don't want him to. And if he sticks to his usual pattern, he won't anyways, so it isn't much of a worry.

mymove: I will look into that book you suggest after I'm done with "out of the shadows". I don't want to get into education overload here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Karen

Topie,
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> OK!

That's just a hoot. I congratulate you on your sense of purpose and forebearance.

You've placed the ball firmly in his court and I think that was the right action. It is his choice, his behavior.

I was listening to Dr. Laura the other day and a wife called about her H's "problem with porn". Dr. L said, your H doesn't have a problem with porn, you do. Your H has a predilection for porn. He likes it, you don't.

I don't completely recall what her solution was, but I think it came down to respect: the H didn't respect the W's stance that porn was unacceptable and the quality of life living with someone without respect.

I think your solution fits with that thought.