My XW told me she will be home tomorrow, but then said she can't decide between the OM and me. I'm dying here. I can't take anymore. The OM is a louse. Why can't my XW see that? I just want my wife back. She is counseling(on my dime), I'm in counseling. Why can't she come home? Why is she doing this to me. She tells me she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I can't take another day.
Why, Wen, Why?

<small>[ November 07, 2002, 07:25 AM: Message edited by: Moving On With Life ]</small>

I am so sorry for your pain. I can't begin to imagine what it's like to get your hopes up that she's coming home finally, and then she runs back to the OM.

If your wife (Wen, right?) has it in her to read some MB posts, make her read my post from tonight.

my post

Maybe it will help snap her out of it. You can tell her that a FWS (me) thinks that she is behaving horribly, and I pray she will come to her senses, NOW.

I will keep you both in my prayers. After tonight, I have renewed faith that God is really listening to me.

Take care,

Jen

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 12:40 PM: Message edited by: Wen ]</small>

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 12:40 PM: Message edited by: Wen ]</small>

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 12:40 PM: Message edited by: Wen ]</small>

Big Deposit Wen.

From the time I wrote this post until I saw Wen 7 hours later I had already come to my senses. In my defense Wen did not give me much to work with yesterday, but on the flip side I had to dig deep inside myself and my faith and go with my gut. Good move. I'm beginning to trust my instincts again and I'm beginning to trust Wen a little.

I pulled myself up and trusted that she would not knock me down. It feels good.

I'm not real familar with the two of you, nor your situation. But, I like to muddle in and ask a question. Wen, have you considered NOT moving in with MOWL, but into your own space for a bit? Nothing like standing on your own two feet to help you discover and explore yourself. I'm sure with the children, this might be very hard to do, but it does have it's benefits. (Of course, you may have already done this, and if so, you can ignore the rest of my post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

You and MOWL can DATE. You can re-connect while both of you have your own space. You can re-discover all those positive aspects which brought you together in the beginning, along with the discovery of all the "new and improved" aspects of your hard-earned growth.

I'm glad to see that both of you are working hard on the issues which still need to be resolved (the drinking being only one of them). You can reclaim your lives, you can rejoin them and move together on your healing path.

I pray that you find the strength and courage to face the unknown country (the future) and that you both make it a rewarding journey of growth, love, and happiness.

Hi WEN and MOWL.

Continuing with what just a wifey 2002 suggested, I too would like to suggest that both of you read the following from What Are Plan A And Plan B:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair.Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WEN, the above in no way is meant to bash you but to help BOTH of you from going back to the pre-A(affair) conditions that made your M(marriage) horrible to you and MOWL.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"The four rules to recovery that I recommend after an affair are marital rules that every couple should be following. So they should form the basis for any plan for recovery after a separation. Since the four rules cover every conceivable problem that married couples face, they would address the issue that led to your separation. If you were to follow these four rules as part of your plan for recovery, I guarantee you that you will not only eliminate the problems that led you to separate, but you will also resolve many other conflicts that have prevented you from having a successful marriage.

I encourage you and your husband to make a commitment to follow The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage: Care, Protection, Honesty and Time, and once the commitment is made, end your separation and begin a marriage that will last a lifetime. "</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And the above is to ensure that your M will be a healthy one.

Good luck and God bless.

Wen and MOWL,

I am so glad you are communicating, and that I could at least be a bit of a catalyst for that.

Wen, way to go on ditching OP.

There may be some value to the suggestion that you don't move home yet, and have a space to yourself. I would argue for perhaps your own room at home though. Living on your own would, IMHO, lead to MOWL fearing that OM is at your place, and you being tempted to let him in there....

Keep at it kids! It's hard work!

Take care,

Jen

Hi again. I'll start off by saying we had a very good and a very bad day. We had major Love Busters this evening, but managed to salvage something. I won't know what for a day or two.

First of all Wen being on her own is an option. We've talked quite a bit about the advantages and disadvantages and basically we'd rather be together.

As for a plan we have been discussing that at great length and have agreed on quite a few things. We've talked about triggers, withdrawal, counseling, plus many other difficult subjects. No contact is a must.

Agreement wasn't that difficult for us. We both have the same feelings and ideals about many things.

I'm not worried about the OM too much. If I meet Wen's EN's then I don't have to worry about the OM. For me it is not about the OM. It is about me, her and us.

In the end Wen and I have to do what is right for us. We have a lot of issues that are unique and just between us. I know how much I love her. I know what I am prepared to do. I know that I can do what I need to do for myself and Wen. I know I'm going to make mistakes and I have to trust to Wen to forgive and keep moving forward. I'm in this for the long haul.

Unfortunately the current circumstances are very difficult still. I've started doing what I need to do and I feel much better about myself. I feel stupid for not doing it earlier. I guess I had to learn my lesson.

I'm actually feeling pretty down right now, but I know I'll get through. I haven't found the strenght to continue in the existing situation right now, I know I'll have it in the morning.

Gotta have faith baby!

Wen continues to sit on the fence. I had to NC today and move on to Plan B. One day she is coming home and the next day she isn't. I knew I was taking a big chance on her, but I had to trust her feelings. I don't feel very good right now. I know I had no other choice. Wen was getting torn apart and I was getting torn apart!

So sorry MOWL. I'm sure she's under a lot of pressure from all sides. Hopefully, she'll decide to do what is best for all concerned. But, until that time...live up to your name. Make your life the best one you can make.

Good Luck!

((((MOWL & WEN))))

Good luck to you both. Please keep us posted.

Hi MOWL -- Just some support here. I also have a WS that wants to move home and then doesn't. It went on for months and I went to plan B about a month ago to remove myself from the pain of the back and forth. I am so sorry and really feel for you. Wen may get there, but it has to be on her own and it's probably wise of you to remove yourself from it for a bit.

Peace.

This is just my opinion...and I could be way off target with my comments, but here goes.

How does it work when both parties , WS and BS, (I guess now it would be ExH and ExW) come here and post seeking help? The same thread looks like wanting people to take sides and actually say who is right and who is wrong.

This forum always appeared to be a "strategizing" arena to me. What should I do? What should I say? How can I do this? How can I do that?

There are so many people giving their take on the situation, working one scenario or another, thinking fallout and measuring loss of life (in this case, Love), then moving onto regrouping and damage control. It would be like inviting the Iraqi Ambassador into the "situation room" at the White House. How can it be productive? It sounds like it would be counterprodutive. Please remember, this is JMHO.

It appeared in this thread that someone wanted to come back home, another someone said to come on, and then the original someone backed down. Sort of like jerking a chain. MC is clearly a necessity in order for it to happen, and I do not think that they were getting that here. It might have proved to be a hinderance to their moving closer to it happening. Intentions to help them are good and people are wonderful to want to help, but this might not have been the proper way.

It seemed like it was getting very close to begging and someone trying to win back fair maiden, like "may the best man win" or the dreaded bar fight when 2 men battle over one woman. Some women actually enjoy that type of attention and I wonder if that is part of the issue. Some actually list the pros and cons of being with this man or that man and then making the decision from that list and not relying on the Love that should be there. Do men feel like they have to present their case as to why they should be the one chosen?

Please Remember, this is JMHO and I am not saying that it is not RIGHT for both to post, I am just questioning it and seeing if anyone feels the same way. Lord knows, I have been wrong on many occasions with things, but this one feels strange.

As Always, JMHO
committed

committed you are absolutely right.

I think this is a bad place for both parties to be until well into recovery. Too much he said, she said. You'll notice my posts have changed to leave Wen out of it. I post for myself and my issues now.

We had a big problem today becuase Wen said our counselor, who we see individualy, told her that I said I want Wen to move back in and just date. So Wen got the idea that I'm not looking towards marriage. I never said any such thing and I certainly would not be interested in that kind of relationship and I told Wen that. We confronted the counselor with mixed results. A bad scene all the way around.

I don't know is all I can say.

I think I've put the best foot forward I can. I just hope it is enough.

I'll be out of town this weekend at a reffing a rugby tournament.

MOWL

Committed has a good point, here, but you also need 2 take a step back and look at what you and Wen are doing.

You're EXPECTING and anticipating each others' moves 2 much and 2 frequently, and assuming 2 much what the other is thinking and doing. You're bound 2 be disappointed in what's happening.

You need 2 put a cubic spline curve fit 2 that rollercoaster ride (essentially, smooth it out, reduce the maxes and mins) and take this more slowly. All this worrying about who's saying or doing what is making you both crazy.

And, last but not least, 2long's most important advice: NEVER TAKE ADVICE!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Seriously, this is about YOU and WEN. Don't put 2 much stock in what we out here in the ether can so easily tell you 2 do or not do. Do what you know in your hearts 2 be right.

You're right about expecting too much. I think she is just stuck not knowing what to do. I think she doesn't want to hurt anybody, but she doesn't know how to do that and not herself.

NC lasted about 30 minutes. I had to make absolutely certain there was no stone un-turned and that she had no mis-understandings about the way I feel about her. I think she understands me now, but whether she believes me or not I don't know.

The holiday's are coming up and I told her she could call me if she needed me. I'm enabling but I'm not willing to not be there her if she needs me.

I'm going to do what is right for me and what I can live with.