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<small>[ November 13, 2002, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: newlywednsad ]</small>

I don't have any answers for you but I do know the little things can hurt just as much. My H misses the little things all the time. It really hurts. Have you expressed this to him. Does he know how much the little things mean to you? I can't give advice on the other. There are some really good people around here who give some really good advice. Zoey are you there? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

stillcrazy4him -

Thanks for the reply. You are cute. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Your advice is also good, thanks. Yes, I have told him over and over and over again. Countless times, I have gone as far as to say. On our wedding night, I would like you to decorate the room with candles, flowers, and a bubble bath for the two of us. . .I would like our first song to be playing when we walk in. Can you handle that (since I had so much to do that day). He agreed. The room was empty. I gave him a book on "How to toast your wife at your wedding" - no toast. I just don't know what else to do?. . .I have told him, Honey, I would love it if you sould kiss me in the morning and remind me of how much you love me, never has happened yet. What do I do, I could go on like this for hours, I'll spare you all my vent. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks!

(((((Newlywed)))))

What's going on??? You should still be in the honeymoon phase of your marriage!!!!

Okay, get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" you read it and have your husband read it. Print out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire... you and husband complete them. That's a good starting point. And then read read read.

As for his bachelor party... personally I don't think going to see strippers once in a while is a big deal. I know my H has gone twice (in 12 yrs) once for a bachelor party, and once because that's where a client wanted to go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I've gone to see male strippers twice too.. once for a bachelorette party and once for a birthday party. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think the bigger issue here is that he knew for you personally it was an issue, and disregarded your feelings.. or maybe his friends were in charge of the bach. party and took him there against his wishes??

Communicate Communicate Communicate!!

Best of Luck... Come here anytime for support.

Baby

Hi NewlyWed.

I just keep getting this overwhelming sense that something about BEING MARRIED bothers/scares you? Have you thought about that?

Have you consider discussing this in IC?

Baby Blue -

Yes, for me it bothers me, I hate it and it bothers him too. He said if I went to a strip club he'd stand outside and want to kill all the guys. . .I know he's exaggerating but he'd hate it and knows it was too too too much for us. I respect what others say though and feel going may have been too much, but tolerable, however, aprivate dance no way in h---! What do you think?

Riff -

Interesting thought, have not really thought about it yet. Scheduled counseling with a marriage and family therapists, H canceld it because he says we don't have the $ and he does not think we need it and because he is not in to counseling anyway. Who knows, I went along with it and said ok, he did say he'd go if I want to but sometimes it is nice to go because he wants us to work, you know. Do I not want to be married? My parents divorced when I was 5 it was bitter, dad had an affair, remarried (all 3 parents great and VERY involved in our lives) mom still bitter, finally dating and happier now. . .is that what i am afraid of? I guess I don't see that as being it but who knows. . .
Any thoughts?

Why in Gods name did you marry him???...Because somehow to end up married to him you have sent a lot of mixed messages...

And you sure are holding onto a lonnnggg list of grudges against him...

You've been together for four years...and still hold it against him that he didn't ask you out on a first date??? WHAT IS THAT???

And all these past grudges...exactly what should he do about them now????

If all of his digressions in your expectations were deal breakers and roots of such unhappiness to you...why did you say yes to marry him...why..
Cause if you keep this up you will drive him away...

To me it is like you had ideal situations in your head about how things should be...and he failed you each time...but you still proceeded with him...and he is not to blame for not living up to your perceptions when you continue down the path that makes you unhappy....

Let the strip club go....he did it once...he like many other men feel a lot of pressure on that one night...and in the end that's all it is one night of stupid peer pressure...it's not like he is going there night after night...he did it once..let it go....
He's even said the right things about that night..."he did not like it, and wanted to leave. He claims things got out of hand and he did not know how to stop it"...sounds just like all the stupid bachelor parties my husbands been to...his and everyone elses....

You sure do focus on all the negative things about your husband...what about all his good qualities...why aren't you celebrating those?...
and he can't change the past so what is the point....

I am very afraid that you sabotaging your own marriage....
Some people need to be taught how to be romantic, and thoughtful, and what makes us happy...and we do this with example and kindness, and being happy ourselves...not keeping lists and tabs of each failure..but truly celebrating when they do good..so they "get it"....

Turn this whole situation back on you....not your husband...change you...change how you look at it...change your negative just sit back waiting for him to mess up thought process...

To me it is like you married him only to show him what a failure he has been your whole relationship...is that what you want to do???
And if it isn't stop it..

People need to grow together in a marriage..and work together as a team...not blame the other for our own unhappiness especially over things in the past they can not change....
ARK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong>Turn this whole situation back on you....not your husband...change you...change how you look at it...change your negative just sit back waiting for him to mess up thought process...
People need to grow together in a marriage..and work together as a team...not blame the other for our own unhappiness especially over things in the past they can not change....
ARK</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ditto Ark. Being married is difficult. But trying to control your husband will make having a successful marriage downright impossible. (examples: telling him exactly how to prepare the honeymoon suite, what kind of gifts to buy you, and how to toast you).

After many years of unsuccessfully trying to MAKE my H into someone I wanted him to be (I just pushed him into affairs), I finally decided to work on changing myself and my perspective of him. THAT WORKED! When I decided to make him the happiest man alive -- regardless of what he did for me -- he did a complete 180 degree turn! He started doing sweet little romantic things for me and trying to please me in ways he knew I would like! I find roses on my car seat nearly every morning, and he calls from his cell phone to sing "Have I told you lately that I love you" from time to time. That would never have happened in our "old" marriage. When I changed, he changed. See what I mean?

Don't try to control him, sweetie. Celebrate who he is now, and teach him how you want to be loved by EXAMPLE. Good luck.

Lori

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 11:06 AM: Message edited by: at peace ]</small>

Hey there NewlyWed. Who knows, but growing up with all that bitterness and divorce...seems like a BIG coincidence.

I really think you should talk about it with your counselor.

Thank you Thank you Thank you ARK! You said everything that I wanted to.. only so much better!

Okay Newlywed.. you asked:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, for me it bothers me, I hate it and it bothers him too. He said if I went to a strip club he'd stand outside and want to kill all the guys. . .I know he's exaggerating but he'd hate it and knows it was too too too much for us. I respect what others say though and feel going may have been too much, but tolerable, however, aprivate dance no way in h---! What do you think? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it is obvious that this is a big issue for the two of you... But what do I think?? Well, I don't think his going to a strip club is a big deal. He went ONCE for a BACHELOR Party. Now if he went on a regular basis, had a stack of hustlers, playboys, etc, and a library full of porn, I'd be concerned. But he went ONCE with some friends for a BACHELOR Party. Would I be worried?? Nope. Sounds like an okay guy to me. *shrug* .. But then again, like I said, I've been to strip clubs. And if Chippendales comes in town, I'll probably go again, and My husband LOVES it when I go .. he benefits when I get home <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> LOL.

Listen, I really think your issue is that you don't feel he is considerate of your feelings. He went to the club when you didn't want him to, he didnt' ask you out on a first date, he didn't propose on his knee, etc... Is it really all these issues or do you just feel like he's not LISTENING to you? I think you two need COMMUNICATION. And lots of it. No marriage should be this sad after only two and half months. If the books and questionnaires don't work, see a marriage counselor. Learn to communicate and meet each others needs.

Good Luck. (And stop worrying about the stupid lapdance.Geesh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

I guess I have tried to turn it on me and accept him for who he is, I made him happy. I did all the things he wanted, I gave him everything. I have tried to talk to him about what i need and he does not listen, so I tried telling him how to do what i need (not to control, but I guess to guide, because he said he did not know how - he asked that I be more clear, so i was). I am not sure turning this on me will help - I think that he needs to see me and recognize me. He needs make me part of his world and not shut me out of everything except sex. I am a little hurt at the idea that this is something I should accept. I do not want ot be controlling, that is why I said, Honey go to the club if you wish and have fun, I do not like it and it hurts me, I just ask please no lap dances. . .I honestly feel that is not controlling.

Sorry if I was mean. I respect your opinions, but feel I have done what you suggested for years and look at where we are. I thought I was happy, but really I was blind. I guess I think it is his turn to show me. I am not holding grudges and in fact have never brought any of those issues up with him, did not say a thing. I lite my own candle in the Honeymoon suite and made it what I wanted without saying a word. I did not mention a toast or even ask why. . .never brought up the proposal or first date, just feel looking back on us those are things and times were I felt hurt and now this. . .

WE as men can be dense !! and the settled is a woman thing.If he's a man he stayed because he wanted too. write him a letter and get a gift cert and tell him to get some thing for you and tell him [THIS IS A TEST]send him flowers at work with a note you wouldn't send them to me so I send them to you.Marriage is a slow moving thing,people are in to much of a hurry.I drive myself crazy over thinking things.[911last date]

I am just making sure but you are considering leaving over a couple of lap dances...and that every thing you ordered him to do he doesnt do...?

Maybe he would like to make one descion on his own. When you are telling him constantly about what you expect of him maybe he feels like you are saying you know he wouldnt do this on his own so you have to draw him the map. Then he really wont do it because he is resenting being bullied.

Just looking for some clarification...

check back later

ayslyne

Hi again, Newlywednsad. I wish I could help you...you sound so discouraged. I know how you feel, because I was there for years. How old is your H? He sounds a bit self-centered and immature. My H was like that for a long time after we married, and it made marriage harder for us. We didn't communicate well back then. He wasn't interested, and I didn't know how to relay my needs as NEEDS without sounding accusatory or whiny. We went thru years of mistakes, miscommunication, resentment (on my part), and affairs before we finally got how vitally important open/honest communication is. We didn't have the tools that you can get on this site back then...I wish we had.

Talk to your H again. Ask him look directly in your eyes and listen to you. Be open, but try not to push or manipulate. You should both read "Light Her Fire" and "Light His Fire" -- very good books! Also read His Needs/Her Needs; If your H isn't a reader (mine's not) maybe you could photocopy some of the parts you'd like him to read. Give yourselves some time. It takes a while to get into the stride of being married.

For what it's worth, I agree with you on the lap dance thing. It was stupid to have a bachelor party at a strip club to begin with (in my opinion <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), and it was very disrespectful for him to allow the lap dance, etc., especially since you asked him not to. Bet he doesn't make that mistake again. BUT, he did...he apologized...it's over. Start over. You have just established a specific boundary for your marriage. That's how many of them are set -- the hard way.

Good luck.

Lori

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: at peace ]</small>

Oh (((((Newlywed...))))

All we're trying to say is that the issue appears to be that he is not meeting one of your Emotional Needs, I believe it is Affection that you are lacking.

Is there any chance you just tell your husband, "Look, I'm not feeling happy. I think we have some issues we need to work on. Would you be willing to go to marriage counseling to try to figure out what we need to do to make each other happy before things get out of hand??"

You might be surprised. Talk to him, and good luck. No one is telling you to bury your feelings and be a doormat. That's not going to help anything.. We just want you to focus on the root of the problem. Have you gotten any of the books people have recommended? Have you printed out any of the questionnaires? Have you asked your husband if he'd be willing to read the books, compete the questionnaires, go to counseling??

Let us know how you are... Hugs and Prayers..

Thank-you for the advice and ideas. . .it is helpful and insightful. I am happy to hear what you have to say. So many great thoughts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

911Lastdate -

If he's a man he stayed because he wanted too.
What does that mean, sorry sometimes I am not the smartest. Stayed with me b/c he wanted to, or stayed at the club b/c he wated to, allowed the dances b/c he wanted to, or what? Sorry - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks! Men are dense <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> hahahaha, at least you can admit it, thanks for the insight.

ayslyne -

No, not leaving over lap dances, not over anything, just struggling and not understanding and unhappy. I am considering or better wording saying it, not meaning it, because of the constant lack of thoughtfulness on his part. I feel neglected. I feel as if he is never there when I need him and that he does not care about my feelings. The lap dances were just a HUGE slap in the face about how little he thinks of me and that I am never on his mind when he makes desicions.

at peace -
I would agree my husband is so self absorbed and of course I am so giving. . .(well that's what people tell me). He is 23 and I am his first in almost every way. I am the same age, but he's not my first. I ordered HisNeeds/HerNeeds, we'll see if he will read it, I printed tons of stuff out too - he has not touched it. I am reading a book called, "begining your marriage" from church. Thanks for supporting my view of the lap dances, over the top too much and not ok.

baby blue -
Yes, he'll go to counseling if I make it a big deal. I scheduled an appointment that he canceled (we decided together), says he's happy why do we need it. I said I am not happy, he says we have no issues to deal with and no money to waste. So yes he'll go but I hate to force him and am not sure it will help if he is not in to it. . .

For you!The lap D last act and a test? while in maine on alert the B party was descussed. A capt said It was about beeing stupit 0ne more time before takeing responsibly for another persons life and I think itis for other married mens way to get to go.(I was Always ask to be the designated driver. I think you are beeing silly and you need to shut off the pc and tigger him 1 He did concider your feeling by agreeing it was cheating don't you think?And if you look for the up side wedding gift (he showed up ta da )[emily post =The best man should toast the two of you.HE not good enogh for your dad and guess? you are what? don't kick a sleeping dog the two of you need to plan the future and make dreams to work to not dwell on put a bow on his forehead and sing happy birthday to yourself I dye my wifes hair and would have divorced her if not for the girls!Look up the word "honor" and live it ask him if he intends to honor his word and do you intend to honor yours have a happy life I ask my wife 4days after she was raped ! PS Tigger ;to pounce !!

<small>[ November 09, 2002, 12:20 AM: Message edited by: 911lastdate ]</small>

What to do? Make a bit of a fuss about it for some time, so that he knows if he does it again you'll not forgive him. Then let it go.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by newlywednsad:
<strong>I feel like H has never considered my feelings before. For example, he never asked me out on a first date, never has stood up for me in front of his mom, forgets little holidays, never does romantic things for me, never has bought me sexy nighties, did not get down on one knee to propose, did not toast me at our wedding, did not plan anything special on our Honeymoon - no wedding gift/not even a card. I just don't know how to feel. I feel like I picked him and he settled for me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To some extent, I think your feelings are a result of living together before the wedding. The honeymoon is over before the ceremony, so it's not a life-changing event of the same magnitude as it would have been. It takes some of the magic away.

He didn't HAVE to do any of the things you listed, because you were already committed. And he probably doesn't realize how much he loves you, because he "grew into" it and never had to think about it.

We didn't do anything special for our honeymoon either (and we'd only lived together 6 months). He didn't give me an engagement ring - his mother was afraid he wouldn't even buy me a wedding ring, give me something out of a Cracker Jacks box or gumball machine or something (he toyed with the idea, but I'm not sure if he was serious or just trying to give his mother an ulcer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).

If your H is anything like mine, he needs to hear a MAN tell him that your need for romance is not only NORMAL, but IMPORTANT. That it won't make him less of a man if he makes his wife happy. That the effort he makes will produce results far beyond what he imagines (so will lack of effort).

You don't mention any religious affiliation, but most churches offer free counseling, and some of them have MB-trained counselors. I'm sure there are other low-cost options, as well; I just don't happen to know what they are.

Thanks for the posts. Yes, you all have made very good points, thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

smigden -

That sounds like such good points. He never needed to "chase" me or impress me, because I gave him all my love before he earned it. I picked him and then that was that - end of story. You are right. I hope he changes the tune and tries to keep my love and heal the marriege. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />