Jen

Update please.

Everything ok?

Ready for your HOT TO TROT Date <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Zoey

Nevermind. I found your post and updated. Jen go slow. Please be careful.. I know you can get your H back and your marriage can survive okay..."-)

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 07:19 AM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

Good morning Zoey,

Everything is okay. Did you check out my last post on my other thread? other post

Didn't hear from H last night. We haven't set up a place and time yet for this date, so I will be waiting for my H to phone me. He said he wants to phone me so that he is in control here. When he said that I rolled my eyes and told him fine if that's what he wants.

I have to say, I am not all light-headed and excited. He still had a lot of negative, unkind things to say to me. I am going to be kind, friendly Plan A girl though. But I have to say, my number one need is for him to not be so critical of me and everything about me. He came in my apt. and criticized the fact that I hadn't cleaned up everywhere (no one called to tell me they were coming over!), he criticized the food I had in the fridge, etc. Did I criticize him back? No, I'm good little plan A girl. I tried not to respond.

I'm not hurt and upset, I'm just very guarded. I'm going on this date with him, but I am wondering what the best way is to react when he says insulting or critical things about me while we are out, and he will. I know part of it is probably a defense mechanism because "I hurt him so much, and I should be hurting too", but we all make a conscious choice to behave as we do.

This all brings to mind a quote that Spacecase likes to use: ""A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world. Everyone you meet is your mirror."
Ken Keyes, Jr.

That quote also relates to the fact that he says he has no friends and he is very alone. That is his choice, even if he does try to blame it all on me and my actions.

Gee, after rereading what I've typed here this morning I don't sound very happy. I am quite cynical about all of this. But I think that's better than being unreasonably optimistic.

How should I react every time he says something mean and critical?

Jen

(I guess I was so busy typing a response I didn't notice you came back and said you found my other post! lol)

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 07:36 AM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

Jen

How do you react to his criticism. You don't. You stay quiet. You just be on your best always. Always have your place cleaned to a "T". Always be presentable even in your house cloths. Always Jen. Its crucial.

He is just showing out right now. He is just airing his hurt, finding things to nitpick. Don't take it personal. I did initially but then I figured out what my H was doing and I didn't react. He is trying to get a reaction out of you. Don't react.

I almost think he has this planned to pop up on you. Get it? I do. But that is a good thing. Don't apologize for your place not being picked up, food in the fridge. Just smile and say nothing. When he leaves, Kick your pillow 100 times and then laugh it off :-)

Let it go. Don't fight him on anything he says. Sounds crazy but it works.

Best of luck Jen.

I know you can do this!

New email: zachandzoey@yahoo.com

Stay in touch. I won't be on MB for awhile.

Thanks Zoey.

It's going to be very hard for me to just let him say mean things. I have a little too much pride I guess.

I really want to at least say to him, "I am not criticizing you, I am only being nice to you. Is there any chance you can return the favour?" or something similar. I know Plan A means we are supposed to feel like a doormat but not really be one, or something like that, but AARRUGHH!! I can tell that the non-responsive (except for a quiet smile) reaction helped to get you and your H to where you are now, so it works, but I don't know if it will work for me. I will just keep on getting angry underneath it all, and that isn't healthy. Not telling my H that is like being dishonest I think.

After he left Wed. night, I wrote down something I really want to say to him, that being honest isn't just stating the facts honestly, it's also telling people the truth about how you feel.

Thanks for the new email. I'll write it down right away so you can edit it out. Enjoy your MB vacation. We all need them now and again.

Jen