W is moving out tonight, and I just couldn't resist the snoop and checked email -- OM and her plan to have sexual contact for first time tonight. No need to go into detail here. I feared this already but it was awful to read. Why do I do this to myself?

Anyway, W was planning to come home after work and wanted me to be here. At this point I don't think I should. I may not be able to resist at least saying that I think she is going to sleep with OM tonight. Major LB right?

So, should I stay or just disappear? And if I stay, I guess I just be nice and not mention anything at all? If she tries to hug or kiss me goodbye, do I oblige? It almost makes me sick to, knowing what her emails say and what her plans are for just hours from then.

I guess at this point there is nothing at all I can do to stop her from doing this, right? I wish there was, but it is just too intense.

By the way, also noticed that OM is pressuring her to file divorce papers ASAP so they can be "free of problems".

Help! What do I do?

ALS

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 01:32 PM: Message edited by: ALostSoul ]</small>

(((((ALS)))))

Ohhh boy...I really have not a clue on what to say to you right now, except I'm sending you my support. Stay strong tonight...for yourself. I'm leaving this one to the experts. Please help him, MBers!

I haven't posted in a long time, and my marriage did fail, so take what I say with a grain of salt. I went through the very same thing (that's why I call myself snoop), I did not confront the xw, I have always regretted it. I don't know if it would have stopped the pa from happening, I don't believe it would have saved the marriage. But I am certain that if I had confronted her, and told her what I knew, it would have made her weekend miseable, and the sex would have be lousy. That said, I wish you good luck, try to remember that it's not your fault, no matter what happens, and remember, someday it will be ok...

The biggest issue is I WANT to be able to take her back. So far, I don't see the A as have being an extreme PA. But with what I know now, I know that after tonight, it will have gone all the way. And after that, especially considering all I have told her and all the support, forgiveness and faith I have shown so far, it may be hard to ever take her back again, even if she wanted it more than anything if things go sour for her and the OM.

So yet again, I am at a crucial juncture.

A couple thoughts I had:

1) Leaving before she gets back, and writing her a note just telling her that I suspect something is going to happen tonight and it makes it too hard to be here to see her, and to make sure that she is SURE she is doing the right thing. Is that LB though?

2) Staying and ignoring anything I know and read, and being cordial and wishing her well, with a smile on her way out the door. (Probably what MB says to do but sheesh, that would be hard).

3) Staying and basically telling her the same things I was planning to leave in the note up in #1.

Any thoughts?

ALS

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 01:55 PM: Message edited by: ALostSoul ]</small>

Does she know you know about the affair, other than these plans tonight?

If she doesn't know you know, I suggest you tell her you know about OM and her - without going into specifics.

If she already knows you know about the affair, I say stay there and continue the best Plan A you can. Make yourself visible and communicate your love before she leaves. Ask her if there's anything she wants to discuss with you before she leaves. Tell her that no matter what happens with the OM, you want to restore your marriage.

And ditto snooperhubby. It will get better. At this juncture, there is no where else but up for you to go.

Try, try, try NOT to LB.

Good luck.

I can tell you what NOT to do. When my H found out by taping my phone convos, he came up to me, screamed in my face and threw the boombox (which he taped with) towards me but it hit the floor infront of me. I couldn't get out the door fast enough to see OM for comfort to talk about how "crazy" my H was. He did nothing but LB for the longest time, so it only made me justify my A.

Please be calm tonight. But do tell her you know.

I don't know what to say to help, but I can tell you I have been in that very spot you are in now.All I can tell you is that the pain of laying in our bed knowing that he was in bed with OW was so great that I have to keep it blocked out of my head. The lowest point was when he returned home and climbed in bed next to me, smelling of her perfume and her body.I find it hard to go there, I wan't to run to the loo and throw up.If I smell that perfume when I'm out and about, I wan't to vomit.I guess I'm trying to let you know you are not alone and I for one am really in there with you. Take care, It's not your fault.

ALS - a big, big ditto to inafunk

Losing control is the absolute worst thing you can do.

If you don't think you can avoid LB'ing, then separate yourself from this evening's confrontation. An LB is worse than skipping Plan A treatment of this.

WAT

This is a hard one for me. I am not a conflict avoider, could not have done plan A while the affair was on-going so my advice is going to go pretty much against marriage builder's plan A. So read but be forewarned.

I'd either tell her I knew before the first item was packed...or I'd make very sure that something really important to W's new apartment was "forgotten" and I'd show up on her doorstep with said item at "just the right moment".

Neither is going to give you any love deposits, that's for sure. But, it is what I would have done if faced with the information you have.

Whatever you decide to do should be what is right for YOU, not your W, not even your marriage. You've got to take care of yourself FIRST, before you can take care of your marriage or your spouse. jmho

Well, thank you ALL for your fast, meaningful replies. I have read them all and also took a think break and here's what I've now come up with. Please, again, let me know what you think of this.

By the way, she knows that I am aware she is spending the night with the OM tonight, hence why I said I couldn't take her doing that then coming back to the house. So she is going to a hotel the next 3 days before coming back next week for her things. So, either way, I will have to see her a few more times in person before she is gone.

Anyway, where it stands now:

1) My first and top pick right now may be just to leave the house and be gone when she gets here to get her few things and leaves for the hotel. No note or anything. Maybe by just my not being here that will avoid LB, and at the same time make her think. She expects me to be here, she'll have to wonder why I wasn't. This may be the best on my mind now. Actions before words. Thoughts?

2) Stay and see her off and say nothing of what I know. That way, no LB at all. I feel like again she's having the cake and eating it too, especially knowing her night's lurid plans, I feel like I am a sap if I hug her and kiss her goodbye and smile as she goes out the door on the way to her night of sex. But if the experts here think that's better than just not being here, and that it might HELP in the long run (though I don't think I can stop the sex tonight).

Let me know what you think, again. I appreciate it everyone!

ALS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ALostSoul:
<strong>
Let me know what you think, again. I appreciate it everyone!

ALS</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here is my humble opinion. Without revealing how you know, tell her that you know what is going on, that you know what she is planning on tonight. Don't get angry, don't yell or scream, just tell her what you know. Ask her to think about what she is doing, and what she is risking. Hopefully, she will think about it.
Michael

Me 39(40 soon, yuck!)
FWW 38
M 18
Two S's
A began Jan 01
D Day Jun 01
In MC

In my opinion, if this were me in the depths of the fog, which is where your W is right now, I'd be relieved if you weren't home. It would mean no guilt trips, no confrontations, no fights, and I'm on my way to see OM for a 3-day fling. I also got a hotel to "clear my head" after D-Day. Spent every waking moment with OM.

This is not to worry you, only to make you rethink leaving. I say stay, see her off...not with a smile, but let her know this hurts you and that you don't agree with it.

Something did come of spending those 3 days away from home though. First night was a feeling of "finally...!! I get to spend quality time with OM!" Next night turned into major talks about future, etc. By the third night, things weren't looking too peachy in our situation. Realized the damage we had caused, and decided I should go home and work on my M. I did. But that was in 03/02. The affair lasted 7 more months after that.

I hope this roller coaster you're boarding doesn't last as long as mine did...I'm finally off and it just may be too late for me & my H.

Plan A!!!

Removing yourself from the situation may be the best thing you can do for YOU. Good Luck!

Who cares what she thinks! She is going to do it not matter what you do, so the key is to do what is going to help the relationship in the long run....

Do not be home when she gets there!!!! Why would you put yourself thru this pain? It is absolutely unbelievable to even think about being there.. Too much chance of you making some kind of relationship error at this point. Let her go, but do not be around to see it..

Dont worry about her guilt...She may think she can do all of this without guilt, but it will be there, especially if you give her no more excuses to justify this. If you are home she may start a fight on purpose, you could say something you would regret later, and not only that even if you did do everything perfect, you would still be watching her leave... Please do not be there..

ALS,

I like Inafunk's advice and her reasoning. Be there, and tell her what you know. Then express as MichaelinDallas suggests your concern and your disappointment. SHe is young and stupid, but maybe you being there will be the thing that brings her back.

No LB's or minimize them, but be there and tell her what you know. It won't stop her, but she will have you on her mind as she does what she does.

Won't help now, but believe me you won't sit there years later wondering if you should have spoken up and maybe that would have been the difference.

This is very tough stuff ALS. Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

<<<I feel like again she's having the cake and eating it too, especially knowing her night's lurid plans, I feel like I am a sap if I hug her and kiss her goodbye and smile as she goes out the door on the way to her night of sex.>>>

I agree. I think it is unspeakably cruel to expect any BS to kiss their spouse goodbye knowing they are on their way to have sex with an OP, sit around and wait until they are done, and then welcome them home with open arms.

It will also do nothing but enable the affair.

Just let her know that you are aware of exactly what she is doing, and that you are not going to wait up for her like she's your teenage daughter out on a date. She is a married woman who is doing her best to destroy her marriage. Then go Out. She does not get to know where.

Then be gone when she gets back.

Well, looks like a lot of differing opinions there...

Right now I think I will take the general concensus and stay and just let let her know that it's still not too late for us, and to know that I am still very hurt about what is happening. I will see her off, though if she wants a hug I don't think that would be a good idea. Agree or disagree? I know she feels some sort of guilt, and I am not looking to intensify that so much as I am just trying to show her how much love is right here for her. She is SO deep in the fog now though, today I'm wondering if she'll ever be out.

I don't want to be too direct though, at the same time, I know my snooping is a major LB, not that the Harleys disagree with it, but the WS that's still in the fog HATES it. So, I guess I'll just be generic about how hurtful it is knowing she is spending the night/weekend with him.

How's that?

ALS

psycho_B,

Well this is a bit different actually. She is moving out, and not officially living here anymore, so she won't be back again until next week to get her things. Which makes it even worse, as now I think she feels more freedom than ever to be with OM all that she wants.

It REALLY hurts.

ALS

well I know that the night I wrote a note to my ex he had come home planning to tell me he wanted a divorce. I wrote him a letter telling him I cant live like this and that I deserve better than what he's putting me through. I more or less told him that I wont put up with it anymore. Told him i loved him and didnt want things to end but that I valued myself more than what he was showing me he did.
He told me that he was ready to leave that night and when I wrote the letter it opened his eyes to realize that he did love me and that I was a good woman and he wanted to try and work things out.
For us though, he hadnt come clean about any A and so when I found out 2 weeks later...I left. So at least you have information on the situation. I would think it would be good to write a letter. Dont leave because that is your house. I wouldnt make it easy for them to do something you know you cant get over.

ps: when she's reading the letter go let the air outta one of her tires ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JL:

"No LB's or minimize them, but be there and tell her what you know. It won't stop her, but she will have you on her mind as she does what she does."

ALS: This is the main reason you want 2 be there when she leaves, if you can do it without LBing. You want 2 leave her with the memory of you being as understanding and loving of her as you possibly can. When she goes, try 2 learn as much about yourself as you can. This is the best part of plan A/B, the oppor2nity 2 learn what your part in her disenchantment with the M was. Knowing that, you can change any bad behaviors you may have had and show them 2 her when you see each other or talk 2 each other again.

Yep, this is very, very hard. I didn't do particularly well with news of personal, intimate contact between my W and her OM back in March, as JL will attest! (he stopped me from doing something really, really s2pid on that occasion ...and a few others!). I LB'd right and left for months after D-day, all the while believing I was doing a better plan A all the time. Trouble was that even the slightest LB is magnified a thousandfold by the WS 2 rationalize their behavior. So, you don't want 2 LB, but you DO want 2 make LB$ deposits if there's any way you can do it.

This evening is crucial. Be careful, be loving, and try 2 be patient (don't do like I did!).

All my best,