Well I did write her basically a Plan B letter yesterday, and she was touched by it very much (though not enough to cool down the A at all, some of her email to him suggests she even feels relief to be leaving the house now).

I'm not sure what to believe anymore. She has told me a lot of lies but I know that there are still feelings there as well. It's just hard to tell what's driving those feelings. Very tough.

Well I've got like 30 minutes left, still on the fence on staying or going -- If I stay, it's going to be a tough couple of hours until she goes, so much time to LB, I hope I can do well and get my feelings across.

ALS

Ohhh... Geez. I agree with Just A Wifey..

I would prob do a major love buster. But in my situation I guess it's okay... My H said if I plan A'd him in the beginning,, he would have been afraid to go to sleep worrying what I was up to! LOL.

Well... she's there now, so I'm late with this. Please come back on tonight and let us know what happened...

Hugs and Prayers..

Actually I still got about 20 minutes or so. Just lurking around, waiting...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ALostSoul:
<strong>Actually I still got about 20 minutes or so. Just lurking around, waiting...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whatever you do, be strong, but stay in control. We all support you. Good luck.
Michael

ALS:

"Well I did write her basically a Plan B letter yesterday, and she was touched by it very much (though not enough to cool down the A at all, some of her email to him suggests she even feels relief to be leaving the house now). "

And this is EXACTLY why ol' 2long doesn't LIKE the tendency out there 2 jump 2 plan B when the going gets tough. You run the very real risk of pushing the WS in2 the other person's arms when they might not be inclined 2 go there on their own. Don't pounce on me, MB veterans, I KNOW this is true in some cases. It almost happened 2 me because I "went there" 2 soon when I tried it.

Nothing would be more tragic in this sitch if ALS's WW were 2 escalate her EA 2 a PA because ALS gave her that plan B letter and temporarily made her feel "relieved" for what she is about 2 do, when if he hadn't delivered the letter, she MIGHT not go through with it when the time comes, out of guilt brought on by a sweet memory of something positive ALS says or does 2night.

But he's probably already there!
I hope it goes well. And remember that whatever happens, you can't really "screw this up" so badly that you can't unscrew it with care...

All my best,

Alright folks, here it is, the long-awaited result...

I stayed home and talked to her before she left to spend night with OM. And thank you for everyone's suggestions. I am SO glad that I stayed. Regardless of what may happen next for us, I am SO glad that I stayed.

I handled the situation very carefully, and chose my words wisely, but spoke from the heart and meant everything that I said. It's not hard for me to talk to her and Plan A when she sits down and listens/responds, and she and I did that for a good hour I'd say. I spent time again talking about my faith in us, my hurt about her still seeing the OM tonight, and all I am learning to help give us a better M.

I never expected her to stay tonight, I know that the plans were set in stone before she came home and that she wasn't going to break them. She has a hotel booked for the next 3 nights, and I'm sure she'll appreciate the chance to spend some alone time, but she did admit to me that she was still seeing the OM tonight and perhaps tomorrow. I still question her honesty, as I know they were planning to spend the entire night together, and she told me this wasn't so. So I am putting very little faith in that they won't continue with the PA, at least this weekend.

She did also say that she has a lot of thinking to do this weekend on her own. I told her that was good to hear, and I hope that something starts to make sense for her.

I DID repeatedly but carefully bring up my concerns regarding her having sex with him. I did this by just telling her to think, that she has all the time in the world, not to make any snap decisions, especially when there is still so much hope and faith that I have for us. She claimed that she honestly did not yet sleep with him for that very reason. She didn't want that either because she was afraid that was the turning point towards the end of us. And that is sort of how I felt too, which is why seeing her tonight before she left was indeed, so important.

Now, as I said earlier, I did see their email exchanges today and it certainly looked like they were going to be intimate tonight, believe me, so I still have to assume that's going to happen. At least I was able to show her how much I cared about her before she left though, so regardless of what choices she makes this weekend, I feel I did my best for our M. But an A is like an addiction, and in the face of it she may not be able to deny her urges, as much as I tried to convince her.

She admitted to me that for these past weeks, she would come home, see me, and feel like this was where she needed to be, and everything started to feel right. But then, every day, she'd be back at work, and there he'd be, and her feelings for the OM came rushing right back. BELIEVE MB when they say that affairs can hardly ever end as long as the WS is in contact with the OP. I told her that I understood exactly what she was going through, and that is why we're in this situation.

She even went so far as to tell me that, if she stays, she would HAVE to quit her job. The problem is, she loves her job. I told her I could never give her an ultimatum, her job or me, she had to make the choice herself. I did say there are unlimited jobs out there, but only one "us". But I don't want her to resent me for forcing her to leave a job she loves. But the OM won't leave the job, as much as I wish he would, so I fear that makes R even tougher. But still not impossible if she puts her faith back in me.

She again expressed regret, and wished things could just get back to "normal" for us. I told her that I wanted things better than normal, I wanted to make our marriage better than it ever had been before, and that I was still confident we could do that together. It is not too late for us.

We had a long distance relationship and then moved right in together, so we never had the chance to "date". She's often regretted that. She did mention that she'd given thought to us "dating" when she got her apartment. I'm not sure how I'd feel about that, especially with OM still in picture, anyone have any opinions? I think that would be tough for me. I told her I may consider that, but I would need exclusivity if we were taking that course. But how would I really know?

She approached me for a hug and a kiss before she left, and I did oblige that. I had never thought I'd be able to, but I felt this was the best conversation we've had since D-Day. There was no anger or LB, no arguments, just honesty, hope, and faith. And I could see it in her eyes and her actions that she was truly going to give us a lot of thought this weekend. On Monday, she has to decide whether she's signing a 1-year lease for an apartment.

She's not supposed to be back here until Monday, she packed enough clothes and stuff to be gone all weekend. She said she may come back early if she "comes to a decision". I told her I should be here. I also told her if she needs me, she knows where to find me. Without my asking, she did leave her key and garage door control as I'd asked of her a few nights ago, when I had one of my outburts. I hope to be able to give them back to her very soon.

I did, by the way, apologize for my outbursts, and she told me I had a right to all of them, and she totally understood why they happened. That was nice. At least she can understand why I am feeling this way.

Now, her behavior during all this (and she openly admitted this) has been wacky, so all of this of course doesn't mean she left and is going through with sexual activity with the OM, perhaps even all weekend. I hope she doesn't, for both of our sakes, for if she was telling me the truth, she is still on the fence about us. And if she comes back, I'd hate to have a sexual encounter between her and the OM weighing on her further (though I don't plan to ask her about this at all next time I see her, and I'm not sure I really want to know).

Anyway, bottom line -- Man am I ever glad I stayed and talked to her. Even though I knew only she could change things, and probably won't, I at least said my peace and gave my best for our M.

Thank you all. Will keep you informed.

ALS:

I think you did a great job!!!!

Remember, now: Don't assume anything. Don't expect anything. Hope all you want, that's your right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You did the best you possibly could have 2 leave your W with nothing but the best memory of your last moments 2gether when she's with her OM or by herself thinking... ...many here don't get this kind of chance (or botch it, royally).

Pat yourself on the back a 2ple of times and then GET 2 WORK on YOU.

...nicely done! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Great job ALS. You showed her your feelings in a non love busting way and she in turn felt safe in communicating her feelings to you.

I am glad that you and her talked about the damage that a PA would cause the M. There are many FBS's that are frustrated because sexual intimacy for their FWS has become a painful trigger that reminds them of their A. They are trapped in loveless and sexless M's with no hope in sight that things will change for the better.

Good luck and God bless.

Thanks. Like I said, I still sit here tonight wondering what's going on, and hoping that it's not become a full blown PA, but I don't have a lot of faith in that. I have sensed an increasing amount of sexual tension between her and the OM, and I worry that, even though I may be on her mind tonight, she will still be going ahead with the PA. I can still hope she hasn't, but it's hard to put faith in that right now after so many letdowns since D-day.

Maybe, just maybe something I said tonight will at least give her some pause, though for the past weeks, even when she's seemed to respond to some things, as soon as she sees him again everything changes.

But that's why the call it the fog, I guess.

Anyway, it's still tough to sit home and think about what might be going on elsewhere. Probably the worst part of an A are those times you think of that stuff. I hope she will make the right decision.

ALS

ALS:

I understand your worries, but all you can do (and all you really SHOULD do right now) is take solace in the fact that you did your absolute best considering the situation you were in.

I know it doesn't seem like it could help, but in the long haul, what happens 2night is NOT anything near as important as how you handle it, and any and all similar upsets that might come.

Recovering from an active A, EA or PA, is hard work. You may find you simply have 2 let it run its course before your W can come out of the fog and be ready 2 work with you again on your M.

But, I can't say this enough, you did the absolute best job you could have done 2night. You will have nothing 2 be ashamed of if all your "moments" are dealt with this well.

Please have a good weekend, ALS.

ALS ... you've handled this like a champ. Jeezy creezy I thought I was doing well in my Plan A. You rule.

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 11:25 PM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

Ooops ... double post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 11:28 PM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

Thanks everyone. I am doing my best to deal with things this weekend. It's hard being alone but I do have everyone here as well as lots of other friends to talk to, plus plenty of chores to work on so I can keep busy, that definitely helps.

I think back to the conversation I had with my W last night before she left, and what worries me the most is the fact that I left a gate open that I'm not sure I should have. I made it seem like I would be willing to "date" her were she to move into her new apartment next week.

The problem with that is that I think that would just enable her to continue the A AND continue to see me indefinitely, or at least until she could make a decision. This is not what I want. If I could be reassured that she was no longer seeing OM, that's one thing, but if she were to get the place she would not quit her job (too risky with rent and bills due) and I know that she and OM would continue on, even though she may express interest in seeing me as well. It just allows her to continue seeing us both, and that's not what I ever wanted.

How do you suggest I handle that one? I realize that I may not see her again until Monday, AFTER she has signed her 1-year lease on the apartment and it's too late. So I need to do something sooner. I'm thinking perhaps sending her a brief e-mail just letting her know that I won't be able to see her if she moves to the apartment might be a good idea. She'll at least check her e-mail at work on Monday morning before she signs her apartment lease (I assume). I don't want her to sign the lease under any false impression that we'd still be seeing each other once she moved out.

She did ask that if she moves out on Monday, would I help her with that, and I did say I would. I can be a good guy and do that. But once her things are out the door, and she's on her own, I think what's best for my well-being, as well as what's best for her to see what life would be like without me, would be NC at all.

Thoughts on how I should handle this one? I've got a day to decide. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ALS

<--bump-->

ALS, you have to be consistent because otherwise you lose credibility in her eyes. If you gave her the plan B letter, then you must follow thru. If you had not, then I would say to plan A her and date her. But consistency is a must.

sorry, double post.

<small>[ November 09, 2002, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Inafunk&funkedup//Being in your “H” place you need to tell OM to quit contacting in any way shape or form. If you are contacting him you need to make up your mind who you want or just pick one ..the two of you need to get together and not talk for a few hour may be after that you can find a way to work in to talking in a civil tone and work on the marriage I read so many books I can’t tell what I learned I do know he’ll have to put up with your withdrawals from the Adulterer and you are going to take it out on him and you will after awhile feel guilty about what you say and funkedup take like a man she’ll thrash and trash and say things you didn’t think she could say to another person .Till this is done you’re adding wood to the fire What little I’ve read you two are taking digs at each other in M B and it not nice .inafunk You married him for some reason (I hope LOVE ) you hurt him in ways he doesn’t understand and we all attach the ones we love because they will still be there when we’re done and come back to your right mind .I’ve said to much all ready.(be still and quit so you and hear ./by

ALS,

I am not totally aware of your situation, but this post caught my eye.

You see, my W is coming into town courtesy of the OM who paid her airfare. She will stay at a friend's house but will spend Thanksgiving with OM. I will spend it with our son.

Anyway, there is a high possibility the A will turn physical this weekend and I wanted to ask you whether you know if your W's affair is physical or not and if it is, how are you doing and how you are coping with it?

Be well and thanks.

<small>[ November 25, 2002, 05:42 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

Utterly,

Well, I bit my tongue and have not confronted my W about her PA with OM. I believe it started the day she moved out of the house. For some wacky reason, she felt like she could kiss him all she wanted while living here, but I think that extra move out the door got her to go all the way. The sexual tension was there, I could see it in her emails, it was only a matter of time before PA would have started anyway.

Unfortunately, there's no way to STOP a PA. The most you can do is tell your WW that it hurts you, what she's doing, and you love her and hope that she will work on your M. I told my WW this and for maybe a split second she seemed to come out of fog, but her addiction to OM was too strong. She had already ruled out our M and didn't consider reconciliation. So there was really nothing I could do.

At this point, she has been out of the house 2 weeks. I know the relationship is physical though I have stopped snooping to protect myself. Knowing the nights/times they are together makes it hard.

Someone here told me this and it did help a little - While PA between two people may be passionate at first, that will wear off, especially with A in the open. Not as fun. And never assume that the sex is so great or that they're having sex constantly. The more I thought about it, her emotional attachments and kissing OM bothered me just as much, if not more than the sex. My WW had sex partners before me, what hurt the most is that she was emotionally attached to another person after we were married.

I will tell you this, though, if a PA starts, and I really hope it doesn't, it will be rough at first. But it does get better. I was a wreck the first weekend when I knew they were together. But if you are not aware of every time that the OM and your wife are in contact and with each other, it gets easier.

If you are still together, stay with her as long as you can take it. Plan A! Don't push her out the door like I did. At least I might have had a few nights to spend with my W, talking. Now I never see her or talk to her at all, and that is not an easy situation to be in if you want to work on M.

Anyway, sorry if I have not been of that much help. I am only a month past D-Day so my emotions are still hard to control. I wish you the best, and hope things get better for you. I can tell you this, regardless of the outcome, you WILL feel better given time.

ALS