I haven't posted in awhile, my H had an A which was discovered in April, and we spent the summer trying to recover (by him forgetting and me LB'ing), in Aug he announced that he cannot live with me and what he had done any more, so he needed to leave, he tired of the guilt, BUT he figures if he has not forgotten it he never will. He did have some lingering feelings for the OW whom he hadn't spoken to in almost 5 mos, but that was upsetting to him to add to the guilt. Basically his last 2 weeks home were ok, i cried, he cried, we swore we loved each other, we made love twice on his last day home, but this is something he needed to do. It has now been 2 months, i have fallen off the wagon and LB'd more than a few times but overall we have a pretty amazing separation. The problem is that i am not sure what the "real" reason is that he is gone. He says he loves me, he says he misses me, but right now he just needs my friendship, he keeps saying it is not that cut and dry. I am pretty positive that he is not involved with anyone else (but will never be a 100% confident again). So people say , hang in there, you guys will work it out...HOW, how does someone gofrom leaving their family, gaining some comfort with themselves to wanting to move back home?? What changes inside you to make that happen? I sit and think why would someone want to move home, he has simple stresses now, i am home every night with our child while he has scheduled visits, i have this damn house to take care on top of everything, he has a single life with small attachments every couple days..WHy would he want to come home, and how will i know it is over, i am afraid he is not saying "i don't love you anymore" because he knows that is i, but i can't be sure...

Help!!

Hi Zachsmom

I'm sorry things are this way for you. I know being a single mom is hard. Being a parttime dad is harder. When my H and I were separated this is how it went for him. In the beginning, he loved the single life. No strings, could do what he wanted, when he wanted. Then, he had to start paying me child support, cut into his budget alot. Also, since we did not have a visitation agreement (at that time, we were not married, I had sole custody of the kids, so I did not have to let him see them if I didn't want to. I could have made him take me to court). Once he mentioned that his rights were he could have the kids every other weekend. So, I told him no, I am letting him see them out of the goodness of my heart. I am the sole custodial parent because we never married. He can only see them with my permission unless he gets a court order. (your situation may be different). I never kept the kids from him. They were not going to pawns. I was only informing him of how things were legally. Anyway. I made of point of letting him know the things he missed out on. Such as, when our son started walking. He saw that, and said, when did he start walking. I missed it. I let him know what he was missing out on by not being here. It took about 6 months to a year for the full effect to take place. He really started to get the picture when he commented on if I met someone and got married, one, he wanted to know would he get to stop paying child support. I told him only if he gave up his parental rights so my husband could adopt his children. He said that would never happen. That is when I also let him know that if I married someone else, that person will be raising his children. He will be the parttime person in their lives. He did not like that. He needs to realize what he will be missing. You cannot force this knowledge on him. He will realize it someday all on his own. You will know because he will either comment or ask questions. In the mean time, the only thing you can do, is concentrate on making a happy life for you and your son without him. I know that is hard to hear. You are stronger than you think. I managed with an 18 month old and a 6 month old. They are now 9 & 7.

I really feel for you. I understand how hard this is. I used to wonder if he will be back. How could I make him see that he is hurting the kids and me. He did not care about us at that time. At that time, all he cared about was having fun and his new girlfriend who did not have the responsiblilty of kids. If felt just like you did. He started to come around when I stopped caring about what he did, when I stopped asking him if he is coming back. When I decided to make a life of my own with my children. I life that did not include him.

Thanks so much Sue with Hope, i assume you two are back together, how was the recovery, were you angry that he could just pick up and leave and leave you with ALL the responsibility? How did you get over the resentment? I have asked my Hif he wants to hang out tonight, i am afraid of the answer and i am afraid i may have pushed it, if he says no then i need to back off completely...If he says yes however, i guess that is a step in the right direction.

One good thing that is coming from our separation is my H is finding himself, he is in trouble financially, he is having to take care of appt himself etc, which is something that i ALWAYS took care of, he didn't have to think. I do believe that part of this separation is him trying to get a grip on his own life. He is sharing things with me that i never thought he would-like his finances, we have created a new friendship, but i am not sure if it only ever be that or if this is our road to recovery..

Thanks again, i would love to hear more of your story!

<small>[ November 09, 2002, 08:44 AM: Message edited by: Zachsmom ]</small>

I am really frustrated right now, because my H is not moving forward at all. I am ready to move things forward with a divorce just to get things shaking with him, but i am afraid i will regret it. I don't understand why some one cannot figure out their feelings for someone. He either loves me or he doesn't, there should be no confusion. I don't know what to do at this point, i am ready to force the situation to solve itself. I need the perspective of another WS who has experienced confusion for the person you betrayed???